[Claritytoo]

I am trying to decide if I want to go back to my t or not. Part of me don't like the idea that we need someone. That is where we are stuck. We start relying on someone other than us than we end up sad and disappointed. I don't like this needing someone else thing. And I am pissed that I have to make this decision.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I am trying to decide if I want to go back to my t or not. Part of me don't like the idea that we need someone. That is where we are stuck. We start relying on someone other than us than we end up sad and disappointed. I don't like this needing someone else thing. And I am pissed that I have to make this decision.

When I am making hard decisions I look at both the positives and the negatives...like yea depending upon others for help sometimes isnt what I want to do and can be depressing sometimes. but is there something that this person can help me with, without compromising my individuality, my independence...I look back on things like my daily journal to see if there was something I had wished I had someone to help me understand and work on, if only I had asked for help on this or that would the outcomes or challenge getting to the outcome had been easier/less confusing/less stressful....

maybe you can do some of this...look back on your posts here and see if there are things in them that had you reaching out for help on, and look at whether depending on asking us for help compromised your individuality, compromised your independence, did that help compromise your individuality/independence...was there something where having a therapist could have helped you to understand and work on....

my point is there are ways to work with treatment providers without compromising ones individuality and independence. You just have to find what works for you and your internal system.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

When I am making hard decisions I look at both the positives and the negatives...like yea depending upon others for help sometimes isnt what I want to do and can be depressing sometimes. but is there something that this person can help me with, without compromising my individuality, my independence...I look back on things like my daily journal to see if there was something I had wished I had someone to help me understand and work on, if only I had asked for help on this or that would the outcomes or challenge getting to the outcome had been easier/less confusing/less stressful....

maybe you can do some of this...look back on your posts here and see if there are things in them that had you reaching out for help on, and look at whether depending on asking us for help compromised your individuality, compromised your independence, did that help compromise your individuality/independence...was there something where having a therapist could have helped you to understand and work on....

my point is there are ways to work with treatment providers without compromising ones individuality and independence. You just have to find what works for you and your internal system.

Thank you for your response. My main concern is that I don't want to need someone. I don't want to rely on anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe. We should be able to take care of us our self. My t has helped me and this site has helped me. But I have to ask for help and everything in me tells me no one will help me. It's me and that's it. I am sure this view and feeling goes back to feeling like I couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening because I was afraid they would blame me or not believe me and that I would be worse off than what I was. Fear sucks

[Kiya]

Claritytoo, I'm in the same boat. My therapist is dying of cancer, so I have been without a solid anchor since March. I am 50/50 between I don't need this and OMG I'm in crisis all the time. I've bounced around 3 therapist now since then and still not happy. I cancelled today's appointment - just couldn't face more talk of more abuse (even though I am getting flashbacks left and right). I guess I am "supposed" to stay in therapy - so says my doc "because of your history, it is important". But I've already put in 12 years! Maybe I can just try life on my own. I don't want to attach to another person - they keep leaving. It hurts too much. Or they don't live up to what they say they'll do "I'm human". Yeah, great. So am I, for all the good it's doing me... and I don't like being needy; and relying on a t makes me kinda needy. and I hate it. So for now, I'm in therapy. Not participating 100%, and usually let her prattle on - she tends to - just so I have a reason not to engage. But ultimately it only hurts me. I guess. In some ways it is good to have a t; if you are prone to inpatient, like I am, then it helps to get out to already have that stability. But otherwise, it is a big commitment and they do like you to show up and participate.
Tough decisions.
Best to you!

[Patagonia]

I think I could've written this thread! I so understand not wanting to rely on a T. I think I've become too attached to mine which scares me, so I'm starting to pull back. I don't wanto have to rely on her. I hate that feeling. All my parts feel that way except one, who really wants to stay.
Yes, fear sucks & I so can understand ur dilemma.
Peace.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Peanut842]

I also could have written this thread. I'm not sure how I feel about the "relationship" with my therapist because he's the only one who understands. I think especially with dissociation. No one else "gets" it. I hate that need. I hate that I have to pay someone to understand me. And I am also afraid of the attachment.

[Claritytoo]

I have been thinking a lot about therapy. I notice that sense I stopped therapy I don't think about DID everyday. I used to think about what was going on in my head everyday between sessions. It became exhausting. But now I hardly think about DID at all. I also think, that to some degree, I am starting to have some of the same difficulties that I did before I started therapy. I notice I am having more anxiety, I am more phobic about travel, and I am starting to maybe think that maybe the doctor is wrong and everyone thinks as we do. It was difficult enough to try and accept the diagnosis the first time. I don't want to slide too far back. I wanted to do therapy twice a month but my t can't work her schedule like that. I need down time between appointments and one week is not enough. Also it difficult for me to afford. I was laid off and I am now on a very fixed income. If I start getting too reclusive I will have to make an effort to go back to pull me out into the world. I appreciate everyone's responses. I am still trying to figure this out.

[Claritytoo]

I just scheduled an appointment with my t for this next Monday. It was sudden and some of us are angry and generally pissed off. Others are waiting for the storm to pass to see where we end up. I told my t I will let her know if we decide not to go. The thing that pisses me off most it that here we go again having to identify as parts and think about all this ****. That is what I don't want to do. I'd rather just get through the day. This is going to be a long fking week.

[possum220]

There are times when I am sick of seeing my P'doc every week and I just want to stop. I just wish I could escape all the emotional tooing and frowing. At times I have cancelled appointments just because I am sick of it all.

So eventually I tell my p'doc what is going through my head. He asks me this question "Is seeing me doing you better in the long run or not?". So if I think about the big picture I have to say that it is better in the long run for me to continue seeing him.

It doesn't mean that all of my parts like it.

Maybe that's a question you need to ask yourself.

Take Care and stuffies.........

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by possum220

There are times when I am sick of seeing my P'doc every week and I just want to stop. I just wish I could escape all the emotional tooing and frowing. At times I have cancelled appointments just because I am sick of it all.

So eventually I tell my p'doc what is going through my head. He asks me this question "Is seeing me doing you better in the long run or not?". So if I think about the big picture I have to say that it is better in the long run for me to continue seeing him.

It doesn't mean that all of my parts like it.

Maybe that's a question you need to ask yourself.

Take Care and stuffies.........

I do ask myself that question and that is one of the reasons we are going back. But it is exhausting. Even now the back and forth that goes on in my head is exhausting. The break I took was needed. But now I am starting to have the same issues that brought me to therapy so it's time to go back. I don't want to lose too much ground. I guess this is the long haul. In the begining I didn't know how daunting it was going to be to work through my trauma. Now I know (sort of) and I am not sure that I can make it through that weighty journey. Of course I have considered that it is fear that is the weight and if I can remember the trauma and grieve it I will lighten the load. It's all a lot to think about. Thanks for the advice. Everything helps.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I just scheduled an appointment with my t for this next Monday. It was sudden and some of us are angry and generally pissed off. Others are waiting for the storm to pass to see where we end up. I told my t I will let her know if we decide not to go. The thing that pisses me off most it that here we go again having to identify as parts and think about all this ****. That is what I don't want to do. I'd rather just get through the day. This is going to be a long fking week.

yeah - I get that. the parts thing and yes or no to therapy. We're all at NO but I still show up twice a week. and I am clearly with the wrong person. but I can't be with the right person (dying of cancer) and we all feel unwilling to try again. Sooo... I guess know just that we are all with you in my system, also.
hugs!

[Claritytoo]

Went to see my t today. I haven't been there sinse July, not so long, but I didn't feel like I hadn't been going. One of my alters was there for session like they have been in the past. My t seemed to listen to me more, that might have been in my head, I don't know. But she seemed to not get to annoyed when I have trouble with the wording. I get stuck a lot with what a word means to me as opposed to how she is using it. We agreed to a few things and that feels good. We will pick up next session where we left off today. I think I need that because often no one remembers what we talked about in session the week before or if we made progress in some area. We realized that we don't want to go back because we need to work on the things we were created to avoid or block out. I hope I am at therapy next session. I think I will be if we go back to what we talked about during session today.