[ladisputelover]

I hate feeling like this. Like everything isn't real. Like I'm not real. Like my life is all a lie.
I feel so disconnected from everything. I look in the mirror and sometimes, I'm not sure who I'm looking at. I feel like an imposter in my own body.
I just hate it. I feel so confused. Who am I? Is this really happening or is it all a dream? Does the entire world really exist or was the idea of life planted in our minds to make us experience it and then one day will it all be taken away? I don't know.
My thoughts aren't mine. I'm not sure who's they are, but I know I didn't think them; someone put them there. They're making me do the things I do and say the things I say. I am not me. I am nobody. I do not exist.
Or do I?

[theres_always_hope]

THIS IS LITERALLY EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!!! I constantly read online & the symptoms always match "Derealization" but I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, possible ocd, ptsd, or bipolar. I have been seeing psychiatrists since i was just SEVEN YEARS OLD. I just want to feel "normal"!!! Whatever that is?? I feel so trapped & sometimes hopeless. I wish I had advice for you but just know YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ladisputelover

I hate feeling like this. Like everything isn't real. Like I'm not real. Like my life is all a lie.
I feel so disconnected from everything. I look in the mirror and sometimes, I'm not sure who I'm looking at. I feel like an imposter in my own body.
I just hate it. I feel so confused. Who am I? Is this really happening or is it all a dream? Does the entire world really exist or was the idea of life planted in our minds to make us experience it and then one day will it all be taken away? I don't know.
My thoughts aren't mine. I'm not sure who's they are, but I know I didn't think them; someone put them there. They're making me do the things I do and say the things I say. I am not me. I am nobody. I do not exist.
Or do I?

your question do you exist or dont you exist...sorry but we can not answer this for you, objectively for a couple reasons...

.this website does not allow us to question or state whether a member\their problem \\their disorder exists we must accept all posts as they exist in what ever words the poster posts, so respecting the rules of this site anyone that replies to this is going to say you and your problems/mental disorder what ever exists.

plus we are not in your body and we are not your treatment providers, and anyone can be anyone or anything that they choose to post on the internet, therefore again we can not tell you definitively whether or not you or your problems exist other stating you exist according to t he rules of this site.

your question aside yes I have had these same problems where I question whether reality is real, whether what I see or think about myself, my world is real or not.sometimes my treatment providers call it psychosis, hallucinations, delusional thinking and other times they call it depersonalization/derealization symptoms in me and other things. when I have questions and feelings like this I take it to my treatment providers. they assess what is causing the problem and let me know whether what Im thinking and feeling is being real existing or not, as a physical human being we know I exist otherwise I would not be feeling and thinking this way. I would be as my treatment providers tell me "frankly if you didnt exist you would be dead and burried or not even born yet," obviously I have been born and since I have a heart beat Im not dead..then they do their mental assessment and treat me according to what is causing the problem to begin with. sometimes its just a matter of meds adjustment other times its just a matter of my getting back on track and following my breathing/grounding/diet/exercise and sleep schedule.

my suggestion contact your treatment provider they will be able to help you figure out what is going on and how to best help you.

[ladisputelover]

Thanks, that really helps. I just don't know what to do. I can't stand it and I'm just so sick of everything. I'm sick of living, pretty much.

[theres_always_hope]

Wow Im so glad i was able to help! seriously its crazy cause I never knew anyone else felt like this or that it was an actual disorder I thought i was just going crazy! You will get over it though its just temporary but unfortunately you will need medication to get the chemicals in your brain balanced to normal levels. Celexa really helped me more than anything else. Along with Klonopin (clonazapam) as needed for the panic attack episodes that come along with feeling "unreal" & as if you could just disappear at any moment or your whole life is a dream & everyone's life is just a movie or a play but your the only one who realizes it. The first time I felt this "dissociation with reality" I honestly thought I was dying. Tomorrows Monday its a new week so I hope you will make some phone calls & schedule an appointment. Im seeing a new psychiatrist on tuesday. Its never fun but just like work & school & other undesirable things in life-its worth it &it will help. Goodluck!!!

[theres_always_hope]

Have you seen a Dr. About this or been on any medication yet? & how long have you been feeling like this & is it a constant feeling or just on & off random? For me it started after a traumatic breakup with my longterm boyfriend. He moved out so i was living in my apartment alone & didn't have any friends or social interaction. I began to feel paranoid especially at night. I would have random adrenaline rushes with an unexplainable sense of doom that i was dying. After 2 emergency room visits i learned these were panic attacks. Soon, every evening as soon as the sun would begin to set, this indescribable feeling would overtake me. My vision would become blurred but at the same time vivid & bright/surreal, but not in a pretty way, it was absolutely terrifying. My heart would begin racing & i started to feel like i was disconnected from my own body! I had no idea what was going on. Why was i suddenly terrified & paranoid of everything?! I couldn't even walk properly because i felt like i was floating or swimming. I felt like i was outside of my own body watching my life as a play in a theatre. I felt like I needed to slap myself to "wake up" or snap out of this "brain fog" but the only way to make it stop was to go to sleep & hope it'd be gone in the morning. Within a week of taking Celexa I was 100% back to my normal functioning self. Dr. increased dose from 15mg to 30 after a week & I was set for 6 months until I mentioned to my Dr. That I was still having some depression (worst mistake of my life) she took me straight off the Celexa complety (no gradual weaning) after my body had adjusted & relied on it for almost a year! & told me to try Cymbalta which I had never heard of. Within a week of being on the Cymbalta the dissociation was back-this time permanently! 24/7. I lost my job due to being physically unable to get out of bed from the major depressive episodes, I gained 10 lbs in a week since i no longer had the motivation to go to the gym (or live!) I went crawling back to my Dr. after pushing through the 2 most miserable weeks of my life begging her for the Celexa back. Her response was that I was being "impatient" expecting "instant results" & that I had complained about the Celexa too! So you can see what she was implying. Reluctantly I followed the doctors orders & upped the Cymbalta to 60 mg (double of what she started me on) also adding 200 mg of Lamictal on top of that to "stabilize my mood" as if Im F**king PMS-ing!! So here i am 2 months later waiting for my new psychiatrist appointment because my previous Doctor who put me through h3ll & experimented on me like a Frkn lab rat told me to start making phone calls to see another psychiatrist because my condition was "too complex" her exact words after poisoning my brain's chemicals for months regardless of my constant clear complaints of getting worse. I am currently worse off mentally than i have ever been or imagined i could ever be. My daily norm now consists of sleeping 15+ hours from major depressive disorder fatigue and being up until sunrise from the agonizing insomnia from my worsened anxiety, panic attacks, possibly now also diagnosed with bipolar depression & ocd along with dissociative disorder. Not to mention the misery of getting through a day trying to find motivation to want to live and some hope that this devastating damage can somehow miraculously be reversed. Thanks alot Doc.

[ladisputelover]

I've been feeling like this for as long as I can remember. Way back when I was Ia little girl. It isn't exactly a constant feeling but it happens incredibly often that it might as well be. I have an appt to see a new pdoc tomorrow as well. I'm extremely scared to talk about it because I'm terrified she won't believe me. Sometimes, I feel like my body is just a puppet and my mind is controlled by another being. At times, my "self" is sucked out of my body and I will be able to see what my body is doing from a distance. I recently learned this was dissociating. I'm not always fully "present" i have periods of dissociating where when I come to, I have a vague memory of me doing what I had just done thought I know I had no control over it. Ex: a few weeks ago I had horrible nightmares of a trauma from my childhood and when I woke up, I wasn't fully "there". I watched myself self harm though I had no control to stop it (I really didn't want to as I hadn't self harmed in two years). I have tried Celexa but it didn't help my depression. I will tell my pdoc about all of what I talked about tomorrow though even though I'm scared. Honestly, I have a lot to talk about. My old pdoc diagnosed me with Depression, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Bipolar NOS Disorder. I also suffer from auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations along with all of this I just described.
Thanks for listening. ��

[theres_always_hope]

Originally Posted by ladisputelover

I've been feeling like this for as long as I can remember. Way back when I was Ia little girl. It isn't exactly a constant feeling but it happens incredibly often that it might as well be. I have an appt to see a new pdoc tomorrow as well. I'm extremely scared to talk about it because I'm terrified she won't believe me. Sometimes, I feel like my body is just a puppet and my mind is controlled by another being. At times, my "self" is sucked out of my body and I will be able to see what my body is doing from a distance. I recently learned this was dissociating. I'm not always fully "present" i have periods of dissociating where when I come to, I have a vague memory of me doing what I had just done thought I know I had no control over it. Ex: a few weeks ago I had horrible nightmares of a trauma from my childhood and when I woke up, I wasn't fully "there". I watched myself self harm though I had no control to stop it (I really didn't want to as I hadn't self harmed in two years). I have tried Celexa but it didn't help my depression. I will tell my pdoc about all of what I talked about tomorrow though even though I'm scared. Honestly, I have a lot to talk about. My old pdoc diagnosed me with Depression, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Bipolar NOS Disorder. I also suffer from auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations along with all of this I just described.
Thanks for listening. 😕

I can't even imagine how terrifying the hallucinations must be. So sorry to hear that I too have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ocd and manic depression/bipolar also ptsd. I understand how you feel as far as the dissociation goes. How are we supposed to feel motivated in life & function "normally" when we're constantly overwhelmed by the feeling that none of it is even real?! Crazy you've felt this way your whole life but Im sure you always felt like you weren't "normal." right? I always felt different my whole life & I would wonder if there was something wrong with me or if everyone feels that way & they just accept it or don't think about it, because I know for a fact I overthink the h3ll out of EVERYTHING!!! It's so stressful & depressing. Every single day when it starts to get dark I begin to panic! I have full blown panic attacks which my klonopin no longer does $hit for! Im just terrified of time passing by because it flies by so fast especially since Im dissociated with reality. I just have this phobia of getting old & looking back with regret & saying "where the hell was I my whole life??" I started seeing therapists when I was 7 & I didn't understand why. Looking back now I can remember all the symptoms I had... The most obvious were the "ticks" I felt compelled to repeatedly twitch certain parts of my body over & over unfortunately all being parts on my face so of course all my classmates asked me why I kept doing that. I just kept silent. My parents explained to me that they were just "habits" & now I realize it was OCD. Im pretty much positive the majority of my current anxiety/panic, dissosiation & ocd is due to my Adderall addiction 4 years ago I got a perscription to help me get through school while working full time & literally before I could even begin to worry about the possibility of addition or side effects it was too late & I wae & still am 4 years later 100% physically dependent on this drug. If I dont take it in the morning I am literally on bed rest & incapable of accomplishing anything at all even showering!!! But when I do take it I have to force myself to eat, i have constant cotton mouth, im up till 3am every single night just reading & reading about my mental health disorders. Adderall used to make me feel peppy, motivated, productive, energetic, social, outgoing & really just overall "on top of the world." In order to achieve that same "high" now I have to take 3X my dosage (30mg) which is above the "safe" prescribed amount so of course I resort to buying my friend's extras for hella expensive. Adderall has ruined my life. I hate what it does to me, & yet I can't live without it!
-StUcKiNaRuT

[TheFuZZieONE]

Dear Ladisputelover,

Reality is a funny thing in that its different for everyone. You may think you're ugly, but someone else may think you're beautiful. Which reality is real? Well, they both are. Everyone's reality is real to them and may differ from other people's reality. Personally, I think your questioning of reality is a sign of intelligence. Most people seem to go through life believing everything at face value. You don't do that. You question. You try to figure things out and understand. I'm not sure what your occupation is, but you might make a good detective or journalist. Just saying!!

[ladisputelover]

I'm so sorry you deal with that!
I've dealt with addiction before as well.
I was addicted to codeine for 4 years before I finally quit cold turkey because I realized it was ruining my life. I was sick and in withdrawal for a month! It was horrible! I felt like I was gonna die!
But yeah, the hallucination are pretty damn scary. I've tried to kill myself nine times because I just couldn't take it anymore.
I honestly don't want to be alive right now but I stay here because I don't want to hurt my family. One of the times I attempted suicide I ended up in a psych ward and my parents and best friend were crying and I just can't do that to them again.

[Armadillo Roll]

Wow, it's like I could've written that! I know how you feel ladisputelover! Feeling like everything is fake or not real. Feeling like life could be a lie. I'm going through derealization right now but luckily not as bad like two years ago. Also to there's always hope I know you will get better. We are in this together.

[theres_always_hope]

Originally Posted by ladisputelover

I'm so sorry you deal with that!
I've dealt with addiction before as well.
I was addicted to codeine for 4 years before I finally quit cold turkey because I realized it was ruining my life. I was sick and in withdrawal for a month! It was horrible! I felt like I was gonna die!
But yeah, the hallucination are pretty damn scary. I've tried to kill myself nine times because I just couldn't take it anymore.
I honestly don't want to be alive right now but I stay here because I don't want to hurt my family. One of the times I attempted suicide I ended up in a psych ward and my parents and best friend were crying and I just can't do that to them again.

I'm so sorry you were that low that ending your life seemed like the only way out. I've been having those feelings lately for the first time in my life (I'm 22) it's scary to feel that trapped, like things will never get better and there's just no hope anymore. That's where I'm at right now. Idk what id do without my boyfriend... Hes supporting both of us. I can't hold a job cause most days i just CAN'T wake up to save my life!! I used to be such a early bird I miss that so much ): I applied for disability but it's such a long process to get approved! I saw my new psychiatrist & I'm back on the celexa thank God!! & Klonopin 2X daily & still the adderall but it is what it is /; how did yr appointment w/new Dr go?? I have to find a new therapist I'm pretty nervous about tthat. Idk if I should go with a girl or a guy? I've always had a girl & it's never been successful so maybe I should switch it up idk... But I heard this song on my Pandora & I couldn't believe how perfectly it described how I feel! During my dissociation. It's like God was sending me a message (idk if yr religious?) but I had to take it as a sign. anyways you should check it out on youtube its called "Wake Up" By "NF" they're a christian based rap group I've gotten really into them lately. So I hope you can relate too here's the lyrics...
* You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape, Cause you live your life in a coma-You're never awake.
* If you'd open your eyes Then maybe you'd see whats at stake. You're sleeping, You're sleeping.
* You make a lot of money and you live in a mansion, And pretty much got everything that you could ever imagine. But you feel like even though you've got everything in the world-You've got nothing.
* So what do you do? You start going backwards-running in a direction and looking for something that isn't real. And all you know is you've just gotta have it.
* What you're doing is sleeping And thinking that you're awake and you're not, And the problem is that you don't know what you're after So you put everything that you have in to what you do, Hoping that one day maybe you don't have to feel like your empty.
* But as you get older A lot of weight on your shoulders is getting heavy then you look back And you start to regret things.
* You only get one life And every time you look at yours You feel like everything you have is a waste.
* And the problem and the reason you could never fill a hole in your life Is because you were never awake.
* You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape cause you live your life in a coma-Your never awake.
* WAKE UP. You wake up in the morning But feel like you never got up and went to work And you're feeling like you dont have a purpose And youre trying to get motivated But everything that you do turns into a mess Like youre nothing but worthless.
* And you look around, A lot of these other people youre looking at-To you, you describe as perfect, So you point a finger at God and tell him to do his job And fix your life up cause nothing is working! And you will try to hide And then make it seem like it's nothing, But really you feel like everything is crashing around you, And you developed a problem in trusting in other people, Which later became an issue that would mentally pound you.
* You only get one life But every time youre looking at yours You feel like all you ever see are mistakes, And the problem and the reason you could never move forward in life Is because you were never awake.
* Wake up. You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape-WAKE UP!! You spend youre life In a dream that you can't escape... escape... escape... Cause you live your life in a dream-Your never awake.

Originally Posted by ladisputelover

I'm so sorry you deal with that!
I've dealt with addiction before as well.
I was addicted to codeine for 4 years before I finally quit cold turkey because I realized it was ruining my life. I was sick and in withdrawal for a month! It was horrible! I felt like I was gonna die!
But yeah, the hallucination are pretty damn scary. I've tried to kill myself nine times because I just couldn't take it anymore.
I honestly don't want to be alive right now but I stay here because I don't want to hurt my family. One of the times I attempted suicide I ended up in a psych ward and my parents and best friend were crying and I just can't do that to them again.

I'm so sorry you were that low that ending your life seemed like the only way out. I've been having those feelings lately for the first time in my life (I'm 22) it's scary to feel that trapped, like things will never get better and there's just no hope anymore. That's where I'm at right now. Idk what id do without my boyfriend... Hes supporting both of us. I can't hold a job cause most days i just CAN'T wake up to save my life!! I used to be such a early bird I miss that so much ): I applied for disability but it's such a long process to get approved! I saw my new psychiatrist & I'm back on the celexa thank God!! & Klonopin 2X daily & still the adderall but it is what it is /; how did yr appointment w/new Dr go?? I have to find a new therapist I'm pretty nervous about tthat. Idk if I should go with a girl or a guy? I've always had a girl & it's never been successful so maybe I should switch it up idk... But I heard this song on my Pandora & I couldn't believe how perfectly it described how I feel! It's like God was sending me a message (idk if yr religious?) but I had to take it as a sign anyways you should check it out on youtube its called "Wake Up" By "NF" they're a christian based rap group I've gotten really into them lately. So I hope you can relate too here's the lyrics...

[theres_always_hope]

* You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape, Cause you live your life in a coma-You're never awake.
* If you'd open your eyes Then maybe you'd see whats at stake. You're sleeping, You're sleeping.
* You make a lot of money and you live in a mansion, And pretty much got everything that you could ever imagine. But you feel like even though you've got everything in the world-You've got nothing.
* So what do you do? You start going backwards-running in a direction and looking for something that isn't real. And all you know is you've just gotta have it.
* What you're doing is sleeping And thinking that you're awake and you're not, And the problem is that you don't know what you're after So you put everything that you have in to what you do, Hoping that one day maybe you don't have to feel like your empty.
* But as you get older A lot of weight on your shoulders is getting heavy then you look back And you start to regret things.
* You only get one life And every time you look at yours You feel like everything you have is a waste.
* And the problem and the reason you could never fill a hole in your life Is because you were never awake.
* You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape cause you live your life in a coma-Your never awake.
* WAKE UP. You wake up in the morning But feel like you never got up and went to work And you're feeling like you dont have a purpose And youre trying to get motivated But everything that you do turns into a mess Like youre nothing but worthless.
* And you look around, A lot of these other people youre looking at-To you, you describe as perfect, So you point a finger at God and tell him to do his job And fix your life up cause nothing is working! And you will try to hide And then make it seem like it's nothing, But really you feel like everything is crashing around you, And you developed a problem in trusting in other people, Which later became an issue that would mentally pound you.
* You only get one life But every time youre looking at yours You feel like all you ever see are mistakes, And the problem and the reason you could never move forward in life Is because you were never awake.
* Wake up. You spend your life In a dream that you can't escape-WAKE UP!! You spend youre life In a dream that you can't escape... escape... escape... Cause you live your life in a dream-Your never awake.

[ladisputelover]

It is really hard.
I'm so sorry you feel that way as well.
My appt with my new pdoc went okay, nothing special.
No, I'm not religious but I'm glad that song really speaks to you!
Take care of yourself okay?