freedom through isolation

I spent the last few hours lost in dissociation. Nothing was real. I couldn't figure out why I am here. Why I am unable to connect to the world. I ask myself if I wanted to go, but I don't, I am going to move to a place where no ones knows me. Where I can be invisible, where I can hide. I can be anyone I want to be. I can get lost in the world. I believe if I move away I will not come back. I will be someone else. But I don't know who. I could be homeless, or live in isolation. I will go unnoticed. I will be able to move through without friction. No one will know I exist. I just can't decide if that is what I need. If that will free me from being on the outside looking in. maybe i will embrace the outside and stay there. People who know me now expect me to be a certain way. But I am not that person. I am becoming more isolated. I can be completely isolated if I move where no one knows me. I think if I leave I will not come back. I am trying to decide if this is what i need.

I want to move also, so that I can be myself. I only wonder though, is it possible for me to be myself? I don't know, that's a mystery to me. I've been expected to play the spouse, the parent, the friend, the perfect child, the aspiring teen, all full of integrity and when things bellied up, the perfect recovering addict/alcoholic, the model jailee, never a relaxing moment always on guard for holes in my public portrayal of my supposed ego. I'm starting to tire out, coming loose at the seams.

Woke up this morning grounded and exhausted. My ears are ringing very loud. I have to get food so I will go out into the world. I am feeling very robotic today. I will do the things I need to do and come home. I keep thinking I would be better if I had to work. If I had to be in the world functioning. But I don't want to work. I don't want to have to be somewhere. I don't know how to help myself. I should but I don't. I just feel numb

Claritytoo,

I don't know you in real life or anything, but moving away to isolate yourself doesn't sound like the best idea. To me you sound depressed, and isolating yourself will just worsen the depression. If you want to move for a change of scenery or to get away from certain people, that's ok. But totally isolating yourself will likely leave you to be even more unhappy. Days will run into weeks, and weeks into years. Life is short and you can never go back in time and relive the life you wasted. I think you should evaluate what is making you feel like isolating yourself, and go from there. A great way to fight depression is to find your purpose! Find something you enjoy doing, and start doing it. I think your mind would be a lot more clear with some goals and purpose, I know right now you are probably to deep in your deptession to realize this. I will pray for you and send you healing vibes!

This may sound strange but I often can't idenitfy what I am feeling. I know what depression is but it didn't come to mind that I might be feeling depressed.
I googled depression and found a good site.
Depression Symptoms & Warning Signs: How to Recognize Depression Symptoms and Get Effective Help
I am lonely, I am underemployed, I am experiencing financial stress right now, I
have not been socializing, I have been isolating, I stopped going to the gym, and I have been having sleep issues. All of these can be signs of depression. I take an antidepressant so I don't think I can get depressed. And emotion sometimes is unfamiliar to me. I just asked myself if my feelings of depression belong to a particular part. I think they do. One of my parts did say that she is not the original. I asked her to stay so we could work on the feelings but she is moving away. I still feel numb and my head aches. I am going to force myself to go outside and do yard work. I really appreciate you responding to me. It was scary for me. Thanks again.

(((((((((Claritytoo)))))))))))

When my body is depressed, most of us is depressed. You can get depressed on antidepressants if they aren't working for you. There are times I feel like I should be depressed and I keep trying to go there, but I can feel the antidepressants bouncing me back up. It's like a dip into depression but forced back out, kinda feels like I'm in a boat riding the waves. I hope you feel better.

I went out and did yard work. I was pleased with the work but as soon as I came back into the house the cloud was back. Right now my ears are ringing and everything is too loud. Just too loud.

Claritytoo,

Since you felt better outside, then got worse when you came back inside, maybe your house is a trigger? Maybe that's why you feel the need to move so badly. I'm on 40mg of antidepressants myself, but still manage to become depressed. I think treating depression with disociative disorders is more tricky than with the majority of depressed people. Maybe as alwayschanging2 suggested, you have a depressed alter and that's why you don't feel a connection with the depression. I may or may not be right, but at least you have some ideas to bounce around in your head. I sincerely hope you get better. For some reason your post stuck with me.

Just reread this thread. It helps to know what I am feeling. About a month ago I felt envy. This happened once before many years ago. It freaked me out the first time. This time I allowed the feeling to stay and tried to figure out why we have such a feeling. I know it is a part so I don't want to offend them but I don't understand what this feeling is for. One of our goals is to get the feelings in one place so we can be in the moment. I just can't figure out how such a thing is possible. Thanks again for being there. It was important to me.

Thanks to everyone who helped me. I am back to myself again and I feel good. I was really lost this last week. Very dark and heavy time. I do think it was depression. I will have to keep that in mind if I feel like that again although I might not be the one aware of the feeling, so I might be writing another post if it happens again. The responses were helpful

I'm glad you are feeling better, and glad we could help!! :-)