[refika]

I'm having a real difficult time talking to my T about my alters and DID. I've mentioned it to him in the past, telling him how there are different "people" living in my head, or different parts. He didn't say much then, and I didn't go into too much detail.

Today in session, we were talking about something semi-related and he brought up the issue of my alters. Though he didn't call them that, he called them "parts" and talked mostly about my protector part, and referred to the other part as a "taskmaster", the main part that keeps us all functioning, doing our work, going to school, etc.

Throughout the entire time, I felt so uncomfortable, so scared, and vulnerable. I could understand most of what T was saying, but I didn't want to hear it, or talk about it. It's like to me, talking about it makes it real, and I guess I don't want it to be real. It's like when I hear myself talking about the different parts and my alters, it sounds so crazy to me. I'm afraid that by talking about it with my T, I'm going to be locked up, or T won't believe me and think I'm faking it.

I have so many questions I want to ask T, and so much I want to get out, but I just can't bring myself to talk about it. T doesn't want me writing about it either, since I write so much and T says I use my writing to hide behind. He wants me to talk and work through verbalizing my emotions.

Ugh...it's so frustrating and painful. I just wish there was a way I could move beyond the fear I have of talking about my alters and how we are, and feel comfortable enough with T to do so.

[GreyWolf1]

Hi,

Anything new, if we can call it that, is difficult to experience and to accept.

We remember Timmy, our 5 1/2 year old as "always being there". However, he stayed inside and only talked a little.

We were able to ignore our system for almost 40 years because everyone was hidden and unknown.

The first out was our Protector, to take care of Timmy, slowly over the months more came "into being", until there was 8 of us, and 2 Others, and 2 Shadows.

Our system may be unique, but for us, many of our "parts" or alters have come to have a distinct purpose.

Timmy handles / keeps the physical pain for the system
Nandan (14y/o) handles / keeps the anger for the system
(he also c*ts)
Carrie (15 y/o) handles / keeps the guilt and shame for the system
(she is also anorexic)
Scott (17 y/o) handles / keeps the fear and anxiety for the system
(he has General Anxiety Disorder)
and Tenanya is the caretaker / Protector for the system.

Realizing that all these "parts" or alters were there for me (the host) because I couldn't be helps to point out that they actually "saved" me. They didn't reveal themselves until "I" was ready.
AND having roles that they are responsible for helps me to realize that for our system, each "part" or alter is an important of a system that the mind designed to make life livable.
All my alters are a part of me, and some choose to slowly integrate them back into one.
For us, we have gotten so used to the voices that when we were prescribed something to silence them (it worked), I (the host) was so lonely I couldn't stand it.

We hope that this will help you and that you find peace.

Take Care and Stay Safe,
GreyWolf

PS - We are associated with a Veteran Support Center and according to the Director, we are more balanced than many that are served through the center.
Crazy is a term that people created because they do not understand.

[sabby]

Throughout the entire time, I felt so uncomfortable, so scared, and vulnerable. I could understand most of what T was saying, but I didn't want to hear it, or talk about it. It's like to me, talking about it makes it real, and I guess I don't want it to be real. It's like when I hear myself talking about the different parts and my alters, it sounds so crazy to me. I'm afraid that by talking about it with my T, I'm going to be locked up, or T won't believe me and think I'm faking it.

I can certainly understand you feeling uncomfortable, scared and vulnerable. If this isn't something you have talked about in any detail before, it's definitely new to you to be doing so. New things can be very unnerving until we have more experiences with it, then it's not so new anymore. There is also a question of trust here too. You don't quite know if you can trust your T or not or what views they have on DID.

Please know that you are definitely not crazy, no matter how it may sound to you when you talk about it. No one will lock you up for being DID. I get the feeling that if your T didn't believe you, then T wouldn't have discussed your "parts".

It sounds to me like this might be a very good opportunity for you to ask your T the questions you have. Write them down and take them with you so you don't draw a blank when you are in T's office. You deserve to have answers and if your T is a good one, they will give you their answers in a very calm and kind way.

Take it one step at a time.....things will be okay!

Take good care.

[jax01]

I really, really, relate to what you're saying. It took me a very long time to get to the point where I could talk about what was really happening inside. When I first started therapy I was completely unstable and about as close to suicide as you can be and live.
It was a really scary dissociative experience where I was basically watching myself preparing to end my life, and I had a couple of images flash through my head and suddenly I was in control again. It was like I was on automatic pilot. Or self destruct.
So it hasn't been seven years straight with my therapist before I could begin to talk about the others, what I experience, what I hear. But I wanted to from the very first appointment. I did manage to write some things, and give them to her. But without the whole story it didn't really mean anything. When i did try to bring up certain subject it was like my jaw was suddenly wired shut. The muscles would tighten up until they would cramp.
It took along time before l had enough trust, and was desperate enought, to be honest before I told my T what was going on.
Even now I still hold things back. But.
What helped me was to talk to myself. Understand that I had no idea that it was even possible for me to have DID. I knew what it was. But it was not even a remote possibility.
But I had to talk myself into telling her. My therapist, I mean. I did it out loud. Maybe that's important. Maybe not.
But I reminded myself that I was seeing her to get better. Not to hang out. She was trying to do her job. I was making it impossible because I wasn't telling her what was really happening. Did I really want things to be this way? If not, I needed to talk about it.
Then I remained myself that she was a professional. And confidentiality is a part of what she does. She wouldn't be telling anybody I don't give her permission to tell. In the time I had been seeing her I had seen how she worked. So I knew how important her ethics were to her. The really important thing I asked myself was "Do I want to live like this, or did I want to take a chance on getting better. Being happy. Not feeling crazy, and having days just vanish on me. I didn't want to hide and lie about things I couldn't explain anymore.
When I finished talking to myself I felt different inside. So maybe doing it out loud was right for me.
I won't say it was easy. I won't say it didn't occasionally cause me some anxiety issues. But I saw and felt things getting better very soon after. Some upsets come with the work.
I hope you can find away to move forward.
Are you happy with your therapist? Do you trust him? I know they can be hard to find. Especially therapists with expeience with dissociation.
I can't work with a male therapist. I just can't relax.
This has turned into a bit of a mess, b ut I hope there's something here that you can use.
I have this deal with my others that I won't censor them. And that's how some things turn into a jumble. Anyway I have to leave this as is.
Try talking. To yourself. To whoever is inside. You may be surprised at the results

[refika]

Thank you so much for all your responses!

Jax, you could have described me. When I started with T in January, I was extremely unstable as well, suicidal, SI'ing, in complete crisis mode and seeing T 3x a week for nearly 4 months. It's only been in the last month that things have gotten much better, I'm down to 2x a week and I feel my trust in T has improved.

I still have trust issues with T, but I am happy with him and he is a trauma specialist and says he worked with dissociation before. I guess the biggest issue for me is like T says, that my "protector" part is so hard and judgmental, and critical of myself. That's the problem I'm having. If I talk to myself, I'm okay, but when I say things out loud, it's like everything is made more real and my judgment and critiquing of myself kick in and I don't like what I'm hearing myself say.

I know I'm going to have to push through this to talk about it with T otherwise why bother going, right? It's just so hard and painful though.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by refika

Thank you so much for all your responses!

Jax, you could have described me. When I started with T in January, I was extremely unstable as well, suicidal, SI'ing, in complete crisis mode and seeing T 3x a week for nearly 4 months. It's only been in the last month that things have gotten much better, I'm down to 2x a week and I feel my trust in T has improved.

I still have trust issues with T, but I am happy with him and he is a trauma specialist and says he worked with dissociation before. I guess the biggest issue for me is like T says, that my "protector" part is so hard and judgmental, and critical of myself. That's the problem I'm having. If I talk to myself, I'm okay, but when I say things out loud, it's like everything is made more real and my judgment and critiquing of myself kick in and I don't like what I'm hearing myself say.

I know I'm going to have to push through this to talk about it with T otherwise why bother going, right? It's just so hard and painful though.

Just a thought here...what about letting your alters talk about their selves to your therapist....I could not tell my therapist much about my alters because I was very limited on how much co consciousness I had with the alters...

co consciousness is things like hearing the alters, being aware that the alters exist, being aware of whats going on while the alters are in control, ...and other things too. each person has their own co consciousness abilities, even the alters have their own amount of co consciousness abilities with how much they share with each other and the host (person they live inside of, some locations call the host the core)

but that didnt stop my therapist from discovering who my alters were, what their jobs, purposes, reasons for being was, what their triggers/fears/ traumas were.

she was able to find out these things each time I dissociated and an alter was in control of the body.

sometimes she would ask me questions about my alters and want me to talk with her about my alters. that was so that she could determine how much co consciousness there was between us, how much I knew about the traumas that caused me to become DID, how much I understood about my internal system of alters.

I would get frustrated because I could not tell her, either because I didnt know the answers to her questions or because every time I tried an alter would take control in order to prevent me from telling. (I was programmed not to tell and if I tried this alter would harm me)

I finally told my therapist what was going on, my fears of telling her things and why I couldnt tell her. she put me at ease telling me not to focus so much on trying to do the right thing...telling her about the alters and what happened...focus instead on keeping it simple...if I can talk to her/answer her questions it will happen and if I cant well it will still happen when the alters take control. her questions to me about my alters was more just a formality for assessment purposes.

she also told me healing from DID wasnt contingent on my having knowledge of my internal system. healing would happen as we take care of my symptoms/triggers. As the alters discover I am now an adult capable of handling things on my own, they would naturally integrate with me, I and the alters would become one whole person again.

she was right. the less I worried about doing things right and trying to tell her things, the more she was able to discover about my internal system of alters and why they were there, what their jobs, purposes, reasons for being was...

maybe you are having so much trouble talking with your therapist about your internal system because you are not supposed to be the one to disclose things about your alters. maybe theres someone inside who's job, purpose, reason for being is to regulate how and when things about the internal system of alters is disclosed. if so then theres nothing you can do, like me every time you try you may end up getting stopped by a alter.

maybe you can explain to your therapist what goes on when you try to talk about your alters with her, and maybe you and your therapist can come up with a way in which you can safely disclose a little bit at a time or none at all and let the alters tell her their selves about their self when they take control.

[ConfusedInFWT]

God ... your story feels familiar. So, here is ours. I hope it helps.

I have known the same T for years. And I only just recently drew the line and forced a conversation about it. But she had pissed me right the F off. I say I because I am the one who actually confronted her, and finally told her how much it bothered all of us that we could not talk about it - admittedly at a raised volume. I was pissed, and she was frustrated - I could feel it coming off her in waves - but I am glad I did. She listened, and then *ping* - I saw a light bulb.
I think she finally put the pieces together, it might have explained something that was driving her to frustration (she is normally very ... calm, unemotional ... stoic).

And That is how it got buried:
We told her about US and the confirmed dx, when I started seeing her over 5 years ago. But we were in really bad shape at the time. Really bad. Pretty much, I remember questioning my sanity. Feeling everything that defines crisis: couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, cutting, burning, actively wanting to die ... HELL on Earth. That kind of bad. There is also a recollection of her saying that she did not think much of it and "there is only one body, so I just want to talk to one person". So, it was not talked about. During the confrontation, she stated that if I had it before, don't have it now. I wanted to punch her in that minute. How could she know if she was not even looking? So I yelled, and then the others started talking, and then this dawning look. I could see the "OMG what did I do" look on her face. She had opened her opened diagnostic eyes and suddenly I guess we made sense. And well ... I left feeling a little lighter.
The others ... not so much. They think that she is going to bail. Others therapists who claimed the ability and the skill set have before. And it has caused damage.

You might wonder: how could she not see it? Well, we tend to switch/trade out rapidly when in her office. So, though she knew that we had been diagnosed, we just never told her who was or was not there. We thought she saw us, but that she just did not care about the dx, and I think she assumed that the woman before her had made it. And because of that woman's actions (I refuse to call her a therapist) - my T could not trust it.
But she made the mistake of assuming and she was wrong. Her job though, was to help us get to a point of stability so we did not die, and she did.
Then quit treatment, and did not see her for a couple of years. Went out, got a job, then a better one ... then got a real career doing something that pays well, and provides ... high functioning to say the least. But still broken in ways that I think you can understand.

So, when we returned, she continued under the assumption that it was just severe PTSD and not also DID.

But the thing was and is - rather we like it or not - the original diagnosis of D.I.D. was confirmed. It was made by two different "experts" in the field, and two different hospitals that had dedicated clinics back in the '90s - way before we ever met the woman who she had assumed made it. The dx was real. Didn't mean we embraced it, or like it, or felt anything positive about it. It just was.

So, when things started kicking off again we went back. Some things - no matter how buried - will eat your lunch if not dealt with. And we are masters at avoidance. That is at the heart of D.I.D. We switch to avoid something for which we can not cope. It allows us to forget and displace ownership of our own history. It does not go away just for want of it not being real. And it takes guts and strength.
I hope we are strong enough now. Hopefully she does not bail. She [/I]is very good [/I]at her profession. She has shown a that she can be trusted - even with her mistake. But we also have grown enough to know that we made the mistake of not talking about it and failing to take responsibility for our own treatment. So, we were wrong, too. She has worked with others. She does believe in the condition - she gave examples of others that she has treated. I believe, as do the other doms that she does have the training and the skill set required to treat it. Trusting ... well, as always is a choice.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ConfusedInFWT

God ... your story feels familiar. So, here is ours. I hope it helps.

I have known the same T for years. And I only just recently drew the line and forced a conversation about it. But she had pissed me right the F off. I say I because I am the one who actually confronted her, and finally told her how much it bothered all of us that we could not talk about it - admittedly at a raised volume. I was pissed, and she was frustrated - I could feel it coming off her in waves - but I am glad I did. She listened, and then *ping* - I saw a light bulb.
I think she finally put the pieces together, it might have explained something that was driving her to frustration (she is normally very ... calm, unemotional ... stoic).

And That is how it got buried:
We told her about US and the confirmed dx, when I started seeing her over 5 years ago. But we were in really bad shape at the time. Really bad. Pretty much, I remember questioning my sanity. Feeling everything that defines crisis: couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, cutting, burning, actively wanting to die ... HELL on Earth. That kind of bad. There is also a recollection of her saying that she did not think much of it and "there is only one body, so I just want to talk to one person". So, it was not talked about. During the confrontation, she stated that if I had it before, don't have it now. I wanted to punch her in that minute. How could she know if she was not even looking? So I yelled, and then the others started talking, and then this dawning look. I could see the "OMG what did I do" look on her face. She had opened her opened diagnostic eyes and suddenly I guess we made sense. And well ... I left feeling a little lighter.
The others ... not so much. They think that she is going to bail. Others therapists who claimed the ability and the skill set have before. And it has caused damage.

You might wonder: how could she not see it? Well, we tend to switch/trade out rapidly when in her office. So, though she knew that we had been diagnosed, we just never told her who was or was not there. We thought she saw us, but that she just did not care about the dx, and I think she assumed that the woman before her had made it. And because of that woman's actions (I refuse to call her a therapist) - my T could not trust it.
But she made the mistake of assuming and she was wrong. Her job though, was to help us get to a point of stability so we did not die, and she did.
Then quit treatment, and did not see her for a couple of years. Went out, got a job, then a better one ... then got a real career doing something that pays well, and provides ... high functioning to say the least. But still broken in ways that I think you can understand.

So, when we returned, she continued under the assumption that it was just severe PTSD and not also DID.

But the thing was and is - rather we like it or not - the original diagnosis of D.I.D. was confirmed. It was made by two different "experts" in the field, and two different hospitals that had dedicated clinics back in the '90s - way before we ever met the woman who she had assumed made it. The dx was real. Didn't mean we embraced it, or like it, or felt anything positive about it. It just was.

So, when things started kicking off again we went back. Some things - no matter how buried - will eat your lunch if not dealt with. And we are masters at avoidance. That is at the heart of D.I.D. We switch to avoid something for which we can not cope. It allows us to forget and displace ownership of our own history. It does not go away just for want of it not being real. And it takes guts and strength.
I hope we are strong enough now. Hopefully she does not bail. She [/I]is very good [/I]at her profession. She has shown a that she can be trusted - even with her mistake. But we also have grown enough to know that we made the mistake of not talking about it and failing to take responsibility for our own treatment. So, we were wrong, too. She has worked with others. She does believe in the condition - she gave examples of others that she has treated. I believe, as do the other doms that she does have the training and the skill set required to treat it. Trusting ... well, as always is a choice.

one thing that jumps out at me in your post is that you were diagnosed back in the 1990's. one thing you may not know is that in 2013 the diagnostics for dissociative disorders changed. with that many that were diagnosed before this date are now receiving new diagnosis's. because of the change over treatment providers must go according to the new diagnostics....

for example one person I know that was diagnosed DID in the early 2000's has since been diagnosed OSDD which is a new dissociative disorder that is very similar to having DID alters and all.

if it continues to be a problem for you that treatment providers are not paying attention to the fact that you were previously diagnosed DID and not addressing your DID problems, you might want to consider updating your diagnosis with the new diagnostic testing and new diagnostic labeling. this way it will take the stress off of you trying to get the right treatment and having treatment providers acknowledge and address your DID. you can see the new diagnostics for what america goes by for what is now recognized dissociative disorders in the link at the bottom of my post.

We decided to get another Pdoc seeing we had to get Obamacare, real insurance. I found one, and after 15 minutes of talking to him, I asked him what are his thoughts on DID. He laughed at me and said "you're not DID" after 15 minutes of meeting him!

I was crushed. Part of me wanted to cry and part of me wanted to rage. Others were like "what a jerk!".

We were so done with him after a few more office visits because I obviously wasn't getting any help there. So I went back to my old NP for med management only to discover she quit and I got a new Pdoc. I've only met her once but spilled my guts and she intently listened. I can't wait for the next appointment to see what she thinks. I'll know what I'm doing after that....the search goes on. I'm just never going to stop looking till I find the one.

But I can get what it means to be denied and frustrated and then all the feelings that bubble up afterwards. I have dissociative difficulties, I don't care what they call it. I'll take a root canal if that fixes it. I hope that you get the help you need.