[Mookster]

I've started seeing a new therapist because the one dealing with my anxiety doesn't deal with possible DID.

Let me give you some background, I've had voices in my head for the last 45 years, I've never told any therapist about them in the past. I was afraid they'd lock me up and throw away the key. We had a boy down the street when I was little that was diagnosed with schizophrenia, everyone said he heard voices. They locked him up so I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut about the voices.
As I got older more and more voices joined the noise in my head, and I kept a watchful eye on any of them telling me to do bad things.. Seemed like they were all pretty much on the same key, to keep me safe. As time went on I realized I was missing more and more time within the day and friends would be asking me why I was acting so strange the last time we were together..

Skip ahead 40 years, and I was in a relationship with someone that at the time I didn't know had dealt with DID personally. She saw the signs in me I suppose and she was able to make contact with a bunch of the voices and without my knowing, I think she was able to integrate a few of the lesser shall we say voices.. 2 of them I'm guessing after doing some reading were resistant to this and remain to this day. When she finally told me what was going on I accused her of drugging me or something that it couldn't be true.

Skip ahead to 4 months ago, I've been having a hard time dealing with things. I've been my mothers care giver for the last 21 years and I am totally burnt, feeling like a failure that I can't even talk civilly to her. And the fact that I'm stuck here in her house till I find a way to move out. I went camping in July with the intention of not coming back, I sat the first night and tried to talk to the voices in my head telling them what I was planning on doing. It seemed like all hell broke loose and one of them took over and I woke up the next morning to complete silence in my head, I'd never experienced that before. I ended up coming home earlier than I was supposed to. I was pretty freaked by the silence, and called my therapist and we had an emergency session. For the first time in my life I had to look someone in the eye and tell them, I've been hearing voices almost my whole life, and they left me. I'm totally alone in a world I already feel alone in. I flat out told him I don't believe I'm DID, which in many cases I still feel is true. To me it's like having imaginary friends.

So what I'm asking I guess does this sound like anyone else's story?

[finding_my_way]

i have had others/voices since i can remember, as a child too. some were strictly just a voice that would tell me things (one telling me i would do something when i got older which i did but had not remembered that voice telling me that), others were ones i actually got to know.

i wasn't aware of them for what they were until i was a teen. i did dissociate in childhood, but i don't know to what degree. i did know the difference between not real and real, and they WERE real to me. i started struggling with anxiety as a young child which progressed to severe depression, panic attacks, self harm, and the dissociation getting worse in my teen years.

i mentioned them here and there over the years, especially the last 10 years, but around 2007, they went basically silent when i had a lot of things change in my life (some things for the better). over the last few years, they have been there more subtly and have seemed to change, ones i knew seem to be gone/quiet, and i cannot talk to the one(s) i know of are there now. my head used to be loud ALL the time with noise, bits and pieces of conversations, voices, etc., so it was strange when it just went silent.

my time loss has never been 100% black outs (only for maybe a few seconds at some times) as i know (and they learned) it is not 'safe' to have them be more active around others...also because of the not being believed aspect..i do live alone now and can experience them 'closer' to taking over at times, but my time loss is more like just incredibly fuzzy times when i dissociate, not remembering a day or a few later and just having the general knowledge that i dissociated..so my experience differs compared to yours in that way because i don't have anyone close to me who has ever noticed it and i don't completely black out. sometimes when i see my psychiatrist, they will be around listening, watching, etc. or say a few things here and there, but i won't realize it until after because i'm a little detached when it happens.

i have questioned myself about it all, but it is the diagnosis, or at least on the spectrum of it, that seems to fit the best for me. i am just starting to talk to my psychiatrist about it after being with her for 10 years since i know she's probably the only one i will ever see that will allow me to talk about it and not just shove me on meds. it's a matter of trusting her more, i guess, for them to maybe talk to her..except even then, it's still through me and not 100% them.

[Mookster]

Thanks finding my way, I understand what you mean totally by them always being with you and aware, that's how it seemed to be for me the last 10-15 years. I know the littlest one was with me in some of my sessions listening and trying to see if she could trust this man. As far as I know she's never been out in session, they only seemed to show when they felt safe, which is typically when we've been alone. My ex told me that she made deals with them that they would only come out when it was safe and to let me deal with the "big" stuff. And it seems that even to this day they abide by that deal.

I'm sure I probably scared them and the trust issues bit them hard... Tho I can't figure out what I need to do to get them to talk to me again, I miss them so much and the silence has surely unbalanced me some. I know they aren't gone, they just aren't speaking to me at all. I will find notes from them when I journal maybe once a week they'll say something. I'll write nots to them that I'm not sure if they've read or not. And I've apologized for my actions many times. I've asked them what they want from me tho never gotten an answer.

I know most people would probably be happy with them gone, tho for me it's like I lost my last friend and my mind has dumped me just like everyone else. It's not helping me feel like I'm a likable person in the least. Self esteem has taken a huge hit with this.

Thanks for listening reading if you got this far, I'm actually amazed I've been able to write it all out so far..

[amandalouise]

you asked if what you posted sounded like anyone else...yes this sounds like many things in me. in me my own treatment providers called what you posted depression, bipolar disorder, psychosis and many other things too.

the symptoms in me that were called DID was not the voices. it was having two or more special kind of alters that constantly took control and affected all aspects of my life since before I was 5 years old....having a special kind of memory loss in which the two or more alternate personalities knew what went on and I the aware person did not. with me the time loss did not increase over time. it was contingent on when I dissociated (got triggered by something and that triggering resulted in the alter whose job, purpose, reason for being took control to handle that situation), these alters taking control happened in all aspects of my life not just when I was alone and there was no hiding it for it was out of my control.

for me the hearing voices without all the other DID associated problems was called psychosis, bipolar disorder and other normal things like stress, sleep deprivation.

welcome to PC.

I hope that when you finally get your diagnoses (what ever you'll end up getting) we can be their to support you

hugs

Hi Mookster, welcome to PC!

I've heard voices all my life, but figured that it was all part of the thinking process. We are co-con, so we function well enough to appear a singleton. We have missing memory issues, but we being aware I guess it doesn't come across much as missing time because time has never really mattered to me.

It's always noisy in my head, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like all quiet and stuff. The others usually fight back if anyone of us offended an other, like an in your face kind of thing being we don't have a host or original/leader- everyone thinks that they are the one.

We knew we were a multiple at 14 (now we're 47), but made a system wide pack of voluntary denial of the fact to be normal- coff coff, yeah right, lol

The thing about the voices I tell people, they also assume control of the body. It's like we can feel the switching when an other assumes control, be it trigger or want to. It's like every atom in my body changes, my thinking voices changes...and next is up. It's like our memories from the previous fades away and easily forgotten.

How funny, hi! I just came to and I was writing a story here! Lol something about memory problems? Minute.

Just re-read/skimmed everything, yep, that's how it is in our system, always changing. Anyhow, you are who you are regardless of which set of capital letters you get.

I hope you well!

[Mookster]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

the symptoms in me that were called DID was not the voices. it was having two or more special kind of alters that constantly took control and affected all aspects of my life since before I was 5 years old....having a special kind of memory loss in which the two or more alternate personalities knew what went on and I the aware person did not. with me the time loss did not increase over time. it was contingent on when I dissociated (got triggered by something and that triggering resulted in the alter whose job, purpose, reason for being took control to handle that situation), these alters taking control happened in all aspects of my life not just when I was alone and there was no hiding it for it was out of my control.

I've had them come out at times when it wasn't "safe", which has lead me to avoid so many things because I'm never sure what is going to happen. I'm not saying I have control over them, because frankly I never know what is going to happen. I do have to say the last 10+ years have been much different than when I was younger. I'm not sure if the deal they made with my ex is the cause of that, or if they just haven't had the need to deal with anything.

I guess I'll just wait and see what the therapist says... I'm just tired of trying to guess at what they are.

[Icecream-4]

Hi I'm a new member. Your post struck a chord, I get scared that anyone of them will come up/ forward at public, inappropriate times, scared of what she will do, cringe. It can be so easily triggered, I switch so fast, sometimes I have no idea what triggered them.

I describe my inner voices as internal chatter. Sometimes there's so much I can't hear it as clearly, there are too many of them, sometimes I tell them to shut up coz I'm so exhausted!
It is sheer chaos! Hope you're with a understanding therapist.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Mookster

I've had them come out at times when it wasn't "safe", which has lead me to avoid so many things because I'm never sure what is going to happen. I'm not saying I have control over them, because frankly I never know what is going to happen. I do have to say the last 10+ years have been much different than when I was younger. I'm not sure if the deal they made with my ex is the cause of that, or if they just haven't had the need to deal with anything.

I guess I'll just wait and see what the therapist says... I'm just tired of trying to guess at what they are.

that is similar to me as well. i had a lot of trauma, and i know they were there because of that...regardless if it was ongoing when they were there or not...because i have had them around when i wasn't necessarily triggered..although having other mental health struggles, stress, etc. can also cause them (for me) to be more active as was the case until about 2007 when things kind of became quiet because a lot of things for me became better managed mental health wise, things in my life drastically changed, etc. BUT they existed before then...and have come back on and off since 2007 when triggered, stressed, or even when not.

the last few months, for example, they have been around more...not as full blown as years ago, but i can still feel or hear them...i have had stress recently, but i haven't felt stressed to the degree i did in the past when i experienced them more...so, it has created a lot of confusion for me...i know they are definitely trauma related because that is the basis of them...i can feel that aspect...of them, whoever is, stuck in certain points where trauma occurred including feelings, fear, darkness, etc. and know there is more than one.

when i feel unsafe though, i guess that IS a trigger in itself...even if i never realize what created the feeling...it is hard to deal with it lately because i try to figure it out..why they are feeling what they are, who it might even be...and how i can try to help...but it just is a lingering feeling deep inside that sometimes comes closer to the surface. i do know this time of year i had trauma, so that is part of it too, i guess...it just feels strange to me being 'here' and feeling like parts of me are elsewhere but not quite knowing where....except obviously in my head lol

[Icecream-4]

Hi, hope you are comforting yourself(inside too), I have a certain teddy that soothes me, (little has her own), a soft blanket helps too. Hug

[Mookster]

Well the diagnosis is in.... I am DID... Still not quite sure I like this, tho at least maybe now we can deal with it in a way that might help me to understand everything... We've been able to find 3 different ones so far.. A little girl, an angry teenager and someone I didn't know about from when I was about 17 that seems to be the one trying to keep me safe... I know there are more voices than 3, so I still don't know what's going to become of this..

Maybe if I wouldn't have been so scared to tell anyone about the voices years ago things could be different... Tho no sense in beating myself up about that now... Just be happy I finally gained enough courage to do it now.

Part of me wonders if it's a proper diagnosis, doesn't everyone have internal voices of some kind? The little voice in their head that tells them not to do something, or not to hurt someone... I don't know I guess I'm still at a loss in dealing with this...

Well I'm sorry, but hey, at least therapy and recovery can begin.

I know what you mean about saying something earlier in life because I hid it for 46 years. But thinking about it, I would've got snarled at, snapped at and told that I was imagining things and to not bother them again in the beginning. Just to think, in all this time, I could of been "fixed". At this late stage of the game, it's our normal and it doesn't really feel like it's worth the effort. I mean, we was the oddball forever, what's another few?

Self-doubt should be a landmark symptom of this condition. I've got others that are still on the fence about all this. I know that it just doesn't feel real...it's because the memories stay with the other that experienced them...to me it's like a fading dream. I also don't know how they "feel" which makes it hard to get.

My guess is singletons only hear their head voice unless they are imagining something. My others voices worked themselves into my thinking, but of course we chose to ignore the truth as a group. It's like we as a group analyzed everything and made group decisions. I've noticed that when a situation comes up, we're like, "all right, what do you all think or what should we do?"....this explains our hesitation and extended periods of standing there with everyone staring at me waiting for an answer that normally is answered right away like "what's your birthdate?" Lol

Sometimes I wished it was external voices so that I can just take a pill, but no dice.

Self-exploration of your system is really kewl, at least I thought so. If you can tell, we're not bugged about this condition too much anymore because we've known forever, so it's our normal. But it's been yours forever too, so it's nothing new. It's just the comfort level I suppose.

Hey, it would be kewl to hear about your discoveries and thoughts, so keep posting. Sometimes I think our others scared everyone off of here! Lolol

We are pretty vocal I guess. I don't get on here much, but I am right now. I'm going to try and stay out for as long as I can to get something profitable done around here.

Hope to hear more soon!