[peaches100]

I've always been rather forgetful, even as a child. But it has gotten way worse since I had my breakdown and discovered that I have dissociation. There are times when I just do stupid things like my mind is just not there. Things like not being able to find my keys or my purse, or not physically being aware of things that are right in front of me. It gets much worse whenever I get stressed out or notice my parts are subconsciously active. The odd thing is that it doesn't usually happen at my job. I don't seem to forget things a lot there. But I do outside the office, around family and in social situations. My husband says sometimes he talks to me, and I seem not to hear him, that it's like I'm in a zone. Or he will tell me something, and I don't recall him telling me. People have said they waved at me but I didn't wave back, or they said hello to me and I just walked away. I don't remember doing those things! I would never intentionally ignore someone who was greeting me. Like I said, it's a lot worse when I am triggered or stressed about something. I don't know if it is related to my PTSD and DDNOS or if there is something else wrong with me. I've had my eyes checked, and I don't have tunnel vision or problems with peripheral vision. My hearing is fine too. But it's like so much of the time, I am not really in the present moment. I've been working on this with my t and my husband, but I don't seem to be making much headway, and it worries me. I hope I don't have early stage Alzheimer's or something. But like I said, it doesn't seem to happen at work. Does anybody know what might be going on?

Me 2! Are you co-conscious? My memory is shot, but I'm not worried about it because somebody has it.

It takes a few of us to exist 5 minutes that switching between parts happen everywhere.

People say the same to me, too. Sometimes there is so much inner dialogue happening that I appear zoned out, too....or an other is focused on their task at hand. We are said to have a one track mind!

Memories stay with the one that experienced them.

I really don't know any advice to give ya just yet as I'm running out the door, but to trust your others, open up more communication so that they can shovel you memories, and ask around for who got the memory that you need.

Hi, I reread your post and see that what we wrote may not apply, sorry.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I've always been rather forgetful, even as a child. But it has gotten way worse since I had my breakdown and discovered that I have dissociation. There are times when I just do stupid things like my mind is just not there. Things like not being able to find my keys or my purse, or not physically being aware of things that are right in front of me. It gets much worse whenever I get stressed out or notice my parts are subconsciously active. The odd thing is that it doesn't usually happen at my job. I don't seem to forget things a lot there. But I do outside the office, around family and in social situations. My husband says sometimes he talks to me, and I seem not to hear him, that it's like I'm in a zone. Or he will tell me something, and I don't recall him telling me. People have said they waved at me but I didn't wave back, or they said hello to me and I just walked away. I don't remember doing those things! I would never intentionally ignore someone who was greeting me. Like I said, it's a lot worse when I am triggered or stressed about something. I don't know if it is related to my PTSD and DDNOS or if there is something else wrong with me. I've had my eyes checked, and I don't have tunnel vision or problems with peripheral vision. My hearing is fine too. But it's like so much of the time, I am not really in the present moment. I've been working on this with my t and my husband, but I don't seem to be making much headway, and it worries me. I hope I don't have early stage Alzheimer's or something. But like I said, it doesn't seem to happen at work. Does anybody know what might be going on?

we cant diagnose you or tell you what is going on, only your own treatment providers can say that.

what I can tell you is that this jumped out at me in your post....

Originally Posted by peaches100

But it has gotten way worse since I had my breakdown and discovered that I have dissociation.

getting a diagnosis no matter what the diagnosis doesnt change things for the worst. it only puts a name on whats already happening \already happened. so when something suddenly gets worse after getting a diagnosis my treatment providers told me it wasnt related to my dissociative problems. it was either a completely different normal, mental or physical health problem or its just my perception.

this also jumped out at me in your post...

Originally Posted by peaches100

The odd thing is that it doesn't usually happen at my job. I don't seem to forget things a lot there.

another key point my treatment providers made with me is that mental illness isnt selective, it affects a persons whole life so for example if the problem I am noticing only happens \or doesnt happen in one part of my life then its not a mental disorder issue.

my point....making a guess here based on what my own treatment providers do with me...that it most likely isnt part of your dissociative disorders.

suggestion talk with your treatment provider, they are the only ones that can tell you definitively what is going on and how to best fix this problem.

[Skeezyks]

Hello peaches100: I experience some of this. In my case I think it is a mixture of free-floating anxiety & aging with a bit of "maleness" thrown in for good measure. (My wife talks to me all the time & I probably don't hear 50% of it!) I also do little things that don't make sense. The reason you don't have this experience at work may be that you are simply more focused.

I have also wondered, from time-to-time, if I might be experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's or dementia. I mentioned this once to my pdoc. He pretty-much just dismissed it. But he suggested that if it was of concern to me I might want to have some neuropsych testing. This might be something you could consider as well.

[finding_my_way]

mine is pretty bad lately too. i was visiting family and went to put my bank card in my wallet. i remembered having it a few minutes before but when i went to put it in my wallet, it wasn't there anymore. i didn't remember the in between parts...just that it was in my hand then disappeared. i looked everywhere for it (so i thought) back and forth for 10 or so minutes then found it on the floor underneath things. a few minutes later, i lost something else (forget what it was) and went through the same thing. it was really irritating..but to be fair, i haven't been sleeping well and am coming down with something...but it happens a lot even when those aren't factors. i know it's related to the dissociation or just even general things, anxiety, stress, etc. and if lack of sleep is involved or not eating enough, that can be a factor for me as well. memory issues can be part of so many things.

our memory is really sucky.

everything (everything), needs to be written down.

or it's forgotten in a second

such a far cry from what it used to be..

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Me 2! Are you co-conscious? My memory is shot, but I'm not worried about it because somebody has it.

It takes a few of us to exist 5 minutes that switching between parts happen everywhere.

People say the same to me, too. Sometimes there is so much inner dialogue happening that I appear zoned out, too....or an other is focused on their task at hand. We are said to have a one track mind!

Memories stay with the one that experienced them.

I really don't know any advice to give ya just yet as I'm running out the door, but to trust your others, open up more communication so that they can shovel you memories, and ask around for who got the memory that you need.

Hi, I reread your post and see that what we wrote may not apply, sorry.

Hi Alwayschanging,

Your post did apply, thanks! It helps to know I'm not the only one who experiences this. I also relate to the post you made where you said you do a great deal of editing in emails, as different ones want to be involved and say different things. I have been stuck in a kind of "mode" before where it feels like a big struggle to complete an email for this reason (one parts writes something - then another one deletes it - and on and on). It's almost like a power struggle because what one wants to say, the other one does not want them to say it.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

we cant diagnose you or tell you what is going on, only your own treatment providers can say that.

what I can tell you is that this jumped out at me in your post....


getting a diagnosis no matter what the diagnosis doesnt change things for the worst. it only puts a name on whats already happening \already happened. so when something suddenly gets worse after getting a diagnosis my treatment providers told me it wasnt related to my dissociative problems. it was either a completely different normal, mental or physical health problem or its just my perception.

this also jumped out at me in your post...


another key point my treatment providers made with me is that mental illness isnt selective, it affects a persons whole life so for example if the problem I am noticing only happens \or doesnt happen in one part of my life then its not a mental disorder issue.

my point....making a guess here based on what my own treatment providers do with me...that it most likely isnt part of your dissociative disorders.

suggestion talk with your treatment provider, they are the only ones that can tell you definitively what is going on and how to best fix this problem.

Hi AmandaLouise,

I appreciate your lengthy reply and the thought involved in providing it. I think I may not have been clear in my initial posting regarding "finding out I have dissociation." I didn't mean that things got worse after I got diagnosed. I meant that things got worse after my breakdown when dissociated ones started showing up unexpectedly, and I didn't know what was going on, or even what it was about. I didn't know what was happening to me because before my breakdown, I didn't even know I had different parts of me. Suddenly they were just coming into awareness out of nowhere (or at least it felt that way). Over time, my t and I realized I was dissociative. She said I had managed to block them out for most of the early part of my life, which was why I didn't know they were there. So the diagnosis itself had little or nothing to do with the dissociative problem getting worse. It was the emergence of the various others that has made it worse. Does that make more sense?

As far as the statement that "mental health isn't selective," I'm not sure I agree with that. It's too broad of a statement. For example, if a person has OCD, then perhaps they exhibit OCD symptoms, in one way or the other, no matter what they are doing, where they are, or who they interact with. However, a person with PTSD may only have a bad reaction when they are triggered by something that reminds them of the trauma that caused their PTSD.

In the case of somebody who has DDNOS or DID, the personality is fractured, as you know. Different parts hold different viewpoints, feelings, and beliefs, and they act different ways. They experience different things. Because of this, I think it makes a great deal of sense to say that the forgetfulness only occurs in certain circumstances. For example, in my case, I have at least one ANP (apparently normal personality) and several EPs, which manifest as younger parts of self that are technically frozen developmentally in the past and remain dissociated much of the time.

When I am at work, my ANP is present and in control. I generally don't get triggered and EPs don't show up. So I also don't experience the same kind of forgetfulness (and other unusual and unpleasant manifestations) that happen when EPs show up. The forgetfulness seems very much tied in with the presence of EPs that seem to show up any time I get triggered by "old stuff" or get under too much stress. My husband has noticed and commented on this many times. In fact, he says that when I get spacy and forgetful, he knows something has triggered me or is bothering me subconsciously, even if I am not aware of anything consciously bothering me.

We've been working more in my therapy with my dissociated parts, and I've been hoping that maybe that would explain why I am experiencing a greater amount of forgetfulness now (maybe dissociated parts are present more often). But I can't say for sure. It is concerning to me!

I should mention that as a child, I was forgetful and would often be called "absent minded" and punished for not doing things that I was expected to do. Looking back, I can see that I already had awareness problems back then. My dad would get angry and yell at me if I didn't clean my gerbil cage. He would call me lazy. But I honestly forgot to do it, or didn't notice it needed cleaning. If I didn't notice something visually (such as a piece of clothing or candy wrapper on the floor), my parents would assume I was lackadaisical or neglectful, when the truth is that I never visually noticed it was there. These kinds of things happened to me a lot, and really caused me a lot of grief because it led to a lot of criticism and bad feelings towards me when, in fact, I hadn't done any of those things out of laziness or neglect.

I wonder if that might be why when I get stressed or forgetful, it could be a sign of those dissociated ones becoming present? I dunno. Just thinking out loud. I need to talk to my t more about it. I just feel worried that it seems to be happening more often.

I really hope it isn't something else, like early dementia or early onset Alzheimer's. It seems like if that were the case, then it WOULD happen no matter what I was doing, who I was with, whether ANP or EPs were present, wouldn't it?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello peaches100: I experience some of this. In my case I think it is a mixture of free-floating anxiety & aging with a bit of "maleness" thrown in for good measure. (My wife talks to me all the time & I probably don't hear 50% of it!) I also do little things that don't make sense. The reason you don't have this experience at work may be that you are simply more focused.

I have also wondered, from time-to-time, if I might be experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's or dementia. I mentioned this once to my pdoc. He pretty-much just dismissed it. But he suggested that if it was of concern to me I might want to have some neuropsych testing. This might be something you could consider as well.

Hi Skeezyks,

You brought up a couple of things I hadn't thought of. It's possible that aging has made it worse. I'm a woman in my early 50's who is in what's referred to as perimenopause. I don't know if that affects memory and concentration or not. It's also possible that I'm more focused at work, or maybe it is that I've worked at the same place for 29 years and just know my job so well that I don't forget things. I've reviewed a few of the signs of Alzheimer's on the Web, but I don't seem to have most of them - at least not to the degree they mention. I think I'll talk to my t and ask her if she thinks the problem could be related more to a brain problem like Alzheimer's versus my PTSD and dissociation stuff. I don't have any relatives with Alzheimer's, but I do have brain disorders on my mom's side such as ALS, MS, and Parkinsons.

[peaches100]

I just thought of another related concern:

There are times when I'm in a conversation with someone and I realize midstream that I don't know what they have been telling me. Sometimes, I can notice myself responding in a way that seems appropriate to the situation (nodding yes or no, making comments such as "Oh, really?" or "That's nice." It's like my body is responding with the correct reaction, but my brain is not processing what is being said to me. Therefore, I can sometimes walk away form a conversation and not know anything more than a general gist of what it was about. However, at other times, I can concentrate very well for long periods of time whether I am in conversation or at my job, which involves editing, which is very detail oriented.

Does this sound like a PTSD or dissociation thing? It's just so confusing!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

mine is pretty bad lately too. i was visiting family and went to put my bank card in my wallet. i remembered having it a few minutes before but when i went to put it in my wallet, it wasn't there anymore. i didn't remember the in between parts...just that it was in my hand then disappeared. i looked everywhere for it (so i thought) back and forth for 10 or so minutes then found it on the floor underneath things. a few minutes later, i lost something else (forget what it was) and went through the same thing. it was really irritating..but to be fair, i haven't been sleeping well and am coming down with something...but it happens a lot even when those aren't factors. i know it's related to the dissociation or just even general things, anxiety, stress, etc. and if lack of sleep is involved or not eating enough, that can be a factor for me as well. memory issues can be part of so many things.

Hi Findingmyway,

Yes, the kind of things you mention, I do them ALL THE TIME and I HATE IT! Just a couple of days ago, I was coming to work, and to get into the building, I need a key card. So I put the key card in the front pocket of my purse. About 20 minutes later, my husband is taking me to work, and I can't find my key card. I start digging through my purse pockets, but forget about the front pocket. Eventually, I find it in the front pocket, but by then, I feel stupid. Then, when he drops me off at work, I forget to take my travel mug with coffee in it, which I had put in the cup holder right next to me! This is how I am much of the time. . .

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

our memory is really sucky.

everything (everything), needs to be written down.

or it's forgotten in a second

such a far cry from what it used to be..

Hi ShatteredSanity,

You say that your memory is not what it used to be. Can I ask, when did you notice your memory being worse? Did it seem at all related to your dissociation or something else?

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

mine is pretty bad lately too. i was visiting family and went to put my bank card in my wallet. i remembered having it a few minutes before but when i went to put it in my wallet, it wasn't there anymore. i didn't remember the in between parts...just that it was in my hand then disappeared. i looked everywhere for it (so i thought) back and forth for 10 or so minutes then found it on the floor underneath things. a few minutes later, i lost something else (forget what it was) and went through the same thing. it was really irritating..but to be fair, i haven't been sleeping well and am coming down with something...but it happens a lot even when those aren't factors. i know it's related to the dissociation or just even general things, anxiety, stress, etc. and if lack of sleep is involved or not eating enough, that can be a factor for me as well. memory issues can be part of so many things.

OMG This is me completely. I literally cannot see what is straight in from of me, and it gets so much worse when Im tired or stressed.

I had a test for dyslexia once, which found my short term audio and visual memory to be in the bottom 5% of the country. *sigh* such a freak.

[kecanoe]

Thanks Peaches. I appreciate your saying that you have some locations where you are not as dissociative. I find this also, and now that I think about it, it is due the lack of triggers in some places.

As far as forgetfulness/memory/concentration-def a sign of perimenopause. And of dissociation/anxiety. Either of those would totally explain forgetfulness. Right now I can't find my wallet. I know I had it Chr eve. No clue what happened after that. Could be just me forgetting, could be part of me hiding it. I have no clue. But yes that happens to me-and I am 52.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by CassyO

OMG This is me completely. I literally cannot see what is straight in from of me, and it gets so much worse when Im tired or stressed.

I had a test for dyslexia once, which found my short term audio and visual memory to be in the bottom 5% of the country. *sigh* such a freak.

i had testing as a child because i was born really early so was part of a study. when i was 11 or so, they found that my short term memory was really bad which caused me to struggle in school. so, that in combination with anxiety, depressive episodes, stress, dissociation, etc. makes it super bad. but with the memory issues, i also have time issues...i cannot keep track easily of the days. sometimes there are gaps where i'll think it's say monday and it's wednesday or reverse, so i am either ahead or behind..or totally lost. it never has changed, when i had a daily schedule and had to leave the house or now that i work at home and have no need for a schedule.

i had a weird situation in high school where i had to write an exam. i think it was a science exam. i cannot remember if i was in a different room than the one i was in for science and that was what messed me up or what, but i had zero recollection at that moment of even having taken science or what the exam was. somehow, i passed it though...i also had issues where i don't remember being good at school, yet i made the honor roll twice, and i managed to graduate. it still is weird to me years later because i barely remember being there or doing things.

but time and memory and all that are just confusing for me..

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi AmandaLouise,

I appreciate your lengthy reply and the thought involved in providing it. I think I may not have been clear in my initial posting regarding "finding out I have dissociation." I didn't mean that things got worse after I got diagnosed. I meant that things got worse after my breakdown when dissociated ones started showing up unexpectedly, and I didn't know what was going on, or even what it was about. I didn't know what was happening to me because before my breakdown, I didn't even know I had different parts of me. Suddenly they were just coming into awareness out of nowhere (or at least it felt that way). Over time, my t and I realized I was dissociative. She said I had managed to block them out for most of the early part of my life, which was why I didn't know they were there. So the diagnosis itself had little or nothing to do with the dissociative problem getting worse. It was the emergence of the various others that has made it worse. Does that make more sense?

As far as the statement that "mental health isn't selective," I'm not sure I agree with that. It's too broad of a statement. For example, if a person has OCD, then perhaps they exhibit OCD symptoms, in one way or the other, no matter what they are doing, where they are, or who they interact with. However, a person with PTSD may only have a bad reaction when they are triggered by something that reminds them of the trauma that caused their PTSD.

In the case of somebody who has DDNOS or DID, the personality is fractured, as you know. Different parts hold different viewpoints, feelings, and beliefs, and they act different ways. They experience different things. Because of this, I think it makes a great deal of sense to say that the forgetfulness only occurs in certain circumstances. For example, in my case, I have at least one ANP (apparently normal personality) and several EPs, which manifest as younger parts of self that are technically frozen developmentally in the past and remain dissociated much of the time.

When I am at work, my ANP is present and in control. I generally don't get triggered and EPs don't show up. So I also don't experience the same kind of forgetfulness (and other unusual and unpleasant manifestations) that happen when EPs show up. The forgetfulness seems very much tied in with the presence of EPs that seem to show up any time I get triggered by "old stuff" or get under too much stress. My husband has noticed and commented on this many times. In fact, he says that when I get spacy and forgetful, he knows something has triggered me or is bothering me subconsciously, even if I am not aware of anything consciously bothering me.

We've been working more in my therapy with my dissociated parts, and I've been hoping that maybe that would explain why I am experiencing a greater amount of forgetfulness now (maybe dissociated parts are present more often). But I can't say for sure. It is concerning to me!

I should mention that as a child, I was forgetful and would often be called "absent minded" and punished for not doing things that I was expected to do. Looking back, I can see that I already had awareness problems back then. My dad would get angry and yell at me if I didn't clean my gerbil cage. He would call me lazy. But I honestly forgot to do it, or didn't notice it needed cleaning. If I didn't notice something visually (such as a piece of clothing or candy wrapper on the floor), my parents would assume I was lackadaisical or neglectful, when the truth is that I never visually noticed it was there. These kinds of things happened to me a lot, and really caused me a lot of grief because it led to a lot of criticism and bad feelings towards me when, in fact, I hadn't done any of those things out of laziness or neglect.

I wonder if that might be why when I get stressed or forgetful, it could be a sign of those dissociated ones becoming present? I dunno. Just thinking out loud. I need to talk to my t more about it. I just feel worried that it seems to be happening more often.

I really hope it isn't something else, like early dementia or early onset Alzheimer's. It seems like if that were the case, then it WOULD happen no matter what I was doing, who I was with, whether ANP or EPs were present, wouldn't it?

you stated your ANP (apparently Normal Part) is the one in control at work, in other words your conscious \body born/ host is not in control?

that right there says your work is affected in clinical terms. (hence my and my treatment providers usage of the term mental disorder is not selective when this was happening to me.) if your work was not affected (mental disorder was being selective) the you that is the body born person would be the one in control at work not a dissociated part of your self.

since this is the dissociative boards I was not using the term in reference to other mental disorders, i was using it in reference to dissociative disorders and how my own treatment providers explained it to me based on my having dissociative disorders.

just a bit of info... America no longer has a mental disorder called DDNOS which was why I was not considering that in my post. I realize other countries may still have that disorder, but here in america that diagnostic label has been discontinued because its diagnostics and symptoms are now included in other mental disorders.

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i cannot keep track easily of the days. sometimes there are gaps where i'll think it's say monday and it's wednesday or reverse, so i am either ahead or behind..or totally lost. it never has changed, when i had a daily schedule and had to leave the house or now that i work at home and have no need for a schedule.

I really struggle with this too. I do find it gets worse when Im not working, as that tends to require me to write the date several times a day which really helps. I regularly get surprised at what day it is though, and if Im not working I don't have a clue! My biggest issue is time during the day - this has got so much worse since I realise / understood dissociation, although maybe thats because Im noticing it more. Time seems to jump - forwards and backwards. Sometimes I'll blink and an hour or more will have passed. Or I'll check the time, note it, check the time again a few minutes later and it will be several hours earlier than when I first checked. Before I understood anything about dissociation I used to be fascinated with stringy/ loopy time theories. And Quantum Leap!

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

but i had zero recollection at that moment of even having taken science or what the exam was. somehow, i passed it though...

LOL I get this a lot at the moment. Again, I don't know if that is because its getting worse, or if its because Im working with another person for the first time in a long time, and so these things would have never have had the chance to be noticed before. I am now known for being 'accidentally organised' and 'accidentally helpful' as the other person I work with keeps finding work I have done that I have no recollection of doing and thought was still on the 'to do' list.

[YMIHere]

OMG! Peaches, I just had this convo with my therapist.

I've always been interested in psychology and having been diagnosed in my 30s with ADHD and Bipolar, I am quite familiar with the vernacular related to those disorders and maybe a few others. Whenever I heard the word "Dissociation" the ONLY thing I thought of was "Multiple Personality Disorder" as it was called when I was a kid and I was/am no Sybil. I understood that this was a way of dealing with EXTREME trauma that I have never experienced.

A lot of what you described describes me with my ADHD. I zone out. In "Driven to Distraction" he had a word for it - blink. The author Hallowell was talking about how you could listen to a friend talk then *blink* disappear for a minute and then come back. This was very me as prior to my diagnosis of ADHD I had a conversation with my friends that really hurt because they said they don't come to me with issues because I don't listen when they talk.

I can remember not that long ago going into a store and FLIPPING OUT because I couldn't find my car keys. I'm rummaging in my purse, ran around the store, finally put my stuff down so I could figure out who to call and they were HANGING ON MY PINKY of my left hand, hidden from sight by the box I was holding that I had just purchased!

My memory as of late has been HORRIBLE. I say it started when I started taking Ambien and that's probably 13 years ago. It didn't just mess with my memory while I was on it, but also later on. Like I couldn't remember a phone number I dialed every day for a YEAR. It was GONE. For hours. I finally had to dig out paperwork so I could get the number.

As Skeezyks mentioned here it alarmed me so much that I saw a neurologist TWICE. They test me as if for dementia - do I know the President? Recite the alphabet backwards. I have no problems there, but my son and best friend have noticed the ridiculous amount of stuff that I can't remember. I can't memorize a phone number long enough to dial it.

Anyway, just today my therapist was saying that to HIM it doesn't seem that bad. I know I'm always repeating myself so I'll say, "I don't know if I told you this already but..." He said I probably say that 2-3 times every session but only twice was it actually something I HAD told him.

He asked me if I could think of a reason for the bad memory. Fck if I know! Then he said it could be when I'm anxious or stressed. I put the 2 and 2 together and could see he was implying dissociation, but as I mentioned I never thought that could apply except in the most EXTREME of cases. Apparently this is not so. When he said this I told him that I actually had a rather high score for dissociation on my Sanity Quiz. I'm sending him the results and quiz for him to check it out.

When my memory isn't frightening, it's embarrassing. I jokingly describe myself as Dory from Finding Nemo. I'm constantly asking the same questions at work when it comes to things that go "off script." I know my job well, but when the situation isn't exact I can't for the life of me remember what we did before and this is why I personally don't see it as a dissociative issue, but more of a memory issue. Maybe it is this perimenopause BS. I'll be 45 in 3 months.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello peaches100: I experience some of this. In my case I think it is a mixture of free-floating anxiety & aging with a bit of "maleness" thrown in for good measure. (My wife talks to me all the time & I probably don't hear 50% of it!) I also do little things that don't make sense. The reason you don't have this experience at work may be that you are simply more focused.

I have also wondered, from time-to-time, if I might be experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's or dementia. I mentioned this once to my pdoc. He pretty-much just dismissed it. But he suggested that if it was of concern to me I might want to have some neuropsych testing. This might be something you could consider as well.

The neurologist mentioned the neuropsych testing. Sounds expensive. With my insurance I have to come completely out of pocket until I hit $1500 and I feel like that will cost $1500 so I've just been dealing with it. Just last night my friend said maybe I should seriously consider it though.

A few things that I know that causes my memory loss is ADD, running on automatic, not paying attention, my mind is elsewhere, anxiety, alcohol/drug use, distraction, dissociation, extreme moods- depression and mania, OTC drugs, pain, lack of concentration, tiredness, headaches, passion, absentmindedness, others....of course a few are different ways of saying the samething, but might have different applications.

My memory is so sad. I even have a schedule book that I forget that I have or use- This is because others don't care and it never gets ingrained as a go to habit.

A lot has to do with the constant switching we do...a lot gets lost in between. Even others that aren't normally present take off with bits when they come and go.

I sometimes swear I can be quite the air head! Lol

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I sometimes swear I can be quite the air head! Lol

My friend's email used to contain "flighty" in it. She DID work for the airlines but the word definitely describes her.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

today we had 1 of those sinarious where we thought... right, what on earth is wrong with the body's memory

stacking cds in our shelves, and we picked up 2 cds- 1 in each hand, a compilation and a single album.

thenm we got up to put them back in the rack... totally forgot what i was carrying and what i was doing.

just like that

and i didn't switch- it was just 1 of those moments where i went completely blank..

so it ended up being abandoned

[peaches100]

AmandaLouise,

I don't understand your last posting. I read it twice and still don't understand what it means. I also think I must not have been clear. I DO consider my ANP the normal born person I am. At least I think it is. It's the part of me that I identify with, unless I get triggered and the others show up.

Can you try to restate your post in a way that is easier to understand?

Thanks!

[peaches100]

Hi AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I'm co-conscious, but only after I had my breakdown in my mid 30's. Before that, I didn't know I had dissociative parts of me at all. The first part that showed up was a small little girl part who felt hurt, abandoned, and scared. Later, other parts began showing up. But the first one has always seemed like the one that holds the most pain and the one I am most aware of when I switch.

I think I have a one-track mind also. My husband says that when a conversation between people has taken a different turn, I am stick stuck on the former topic. I get stuck analyzing something and want to go into more detail or deeper, but apparently, other people don't. It makes me think of a record player where the needle is stuck in the same spot and needs a "push" to get it moving again.

I don't think that I switch very much outside therapy, except when I get triggered. But I could be totally wrong, as I am not very self-aware sometimes. My husband says I often act like I am different ages, although I don't recognize it in myself at the time.

One thing I've noticed about my parts is that instead of having different appearances or names, they seem like they are different emotions, or that they are responsible for holding ALL of a certain emotion that I have experienced throughout my life. What I mean is that one of them holds all of the feelings of hurt, abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. Another one only feels anger and rage. Another one has all of the shame of my SA and feels like a bad person who needs to suffer or be punished. I have one that is sarcastic. I have one that feels about 2-3 years old, and another that can't speak at all, but only communicates through poetry or music. All of these ones I call "child parts" because they all feel like they are young.

Added to that are ones that I think of as adult parts, although my t says they are not really adult parts, but child parts also. These ones step in to either protect or punish child parts, depending on what happens. Also, when my regular normal me that I am 90% of the time gets too stressed out trying to manage the child parts or keep them put away, a robot part of me takes over that feels numb and isn't troubled by any disturbing emotions, and it allows me to keep doing my responsibilities in life.

But the ONLY one that really, truly feels like ME is the adult me how I experience myself most of the time when I am not triggered. That is the ME that I recognize and know. All of the others, even though I know they have to be parts of me, feel like they just don't fit who I am. They express thoughts and feelings that I just don't have when I am not triggered. That is why they don't feel like me.

Also, I sometimes have dreams where I am extremely rageful, yet I never feel like that in my normal daily life.

It's just weird. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it doesn't matter whether I have DID or PTSD or just stress-related dissociation. Whatever it is, it feels "not normal" and I don't like it. I do everything I can to hide it when I am with other people (keep all parts other than ANP out of sight).

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Me 2! Are you co-conscious? My memory is shot, but I'm not worried about it because somebody has it.

It takes a few of us to exist 5 minutes that switching between parts happen everywhere.

People say the same to me, too. Sometimes there is so much inner dialogue happening that I appear zoned out, too....or an other is focused on their task at hand. We are said to have a one track mind!

Memories stay with the one that experienced them.

I really don't know any advice to give ya just yet as I'm running out the door, but to trust your others, open up more communication so that they can shovel you memories, and ask around for who got the memory that you need.

Hi, I reread your post and see that what we wrote may not apply, sorry.

[peaches100]

I've been thinking about what I said - that I don't have parts show up at work. I guess that's not entirely true. There have been times that others have shown up at work. But it's the exception, not the rule. It only happens if something is going on to trigger me. Here are a few examples of when others have shown up at work:

My coworker had a stroke at work. It caused a part to show up who used to get traumatized by my sister's sudden illnesses and accidents when we were kids.

I'm at lunch reading a book or article, and it starts mentioning SA. A part shows up who experienced SA as a child, and I have the associated feelings of shame and badness.

I've left a t session feeling like I needed to express something bud didn't do it because I felt like it was stupid and childish. .so a couple of days later, I will be at work, and a child part will appear and insist on sending my t an email message. I (regular me) says No and tries to prevent it, and a struggle goes on between us. She types something. I revise it or erase it. She types again. I erase or change again. Etc. Sometimes, 1-3 hours can pass while I am in this zone. I am aware when it is happening but can't stop it. I also don't realize how much time has gone by while it is happening. When this has happened at work, I have had to use vacation time for those hours I didn't work because I don't want to cheat my employer during the time I didn't get my work done.

Every so often, something will happen to bring up one of them and if I can't get them wrangled back in so they don't show, I have had to leave work and go home before other people noticed I was spaced out or crying or whatever.

So yes, parts have shown up at work, but only when something happens to make them show up. Otherwise, I am just regular me, what I call the ANP.

Maybe that clarifies things. . .or does it just muddy things more?

[peaches100]

Hi Cassy,

Thanks for sharing your experience. At least I am not the only one!! Don't call yourself a "freak" though. . .you're just "unique!"

Originally Posted by CassyO

OMG This is me completely. I literally cannot see what is straight in from of me, and it gets so much worse when Im tired or stressed.

I had a test for dyslexia once, which found my short term audio and visual memory to be in the bottom 5% of the country. *sigh* such a freak.