Its just that amnesia thing while being co-conscience I guess I hope....yeah...weirdness

I swear at times its all in my head only to discover that things are different all of a sudden.

I wish to God that I was psychotic, but reality testing stays firmly intact...or is it an illusion?

Am I the real deal? Everytime I try to internally claim I'm the Me...I feel "fist and foot" pounding and total strife till I admit I'm wrong.

Like everyone else, I claim to be the original...so we fight over it. WTFudge.

Idk, after a few hours it all sems like a fantasy till the battle of presenting begins....and I really do speak for all of us because we all feel the same way sort of...so are we faking? Idk.

Everytime I try to say we are...the fight begins. We are Multiple.

Do you feel the same?

[unaluna]

I think if i tried to make any kind of decision about it for myself, my head would explode. So i just have like relatives mad at me for looking weird, and store clerks call me "sir - oh, uh sorry". I always think im looking girly, then i catch a glimpse in a random mirror and its wth is that? I told a t in college in 1974 that i was a neuter. Always ahead of my time

[Patagonia]

These constant shifting mountains of sand are exhausting. Yet I still try to walk in some direction. Id just like everything to stand still so I could say, yes this is who I am & will stay this way & then move on. With a clear path, clear choice, clear voice.

But the sands are always changing & I can never tell what's next & I think for me, that's the worst. Not knowing how I'll feel or who I'll be.
I hate it. Truly hate it & I don't think I'll accept it about myself for a long time. But that's my own fight.
Tomorrow I'll probably hate that I wrote this.

Thanks for sharing.

i do get gverry embarrassed when i talk to someone about it and it makes me feel like i'm worthless.

but a faker.... don't think i'd go that far

i've had times where i've wondered... i've never even heard of DID, it can't be that well known, why me?. surely this is just a dream.

but it's not... life goes on. and i'm fully awake

Steven: I'm thinking an active imagination myself...but that doesn't even begin to explain what's been happening forever....just wish it would all go away....but hey, just gotta make the best of it- life is interesting, thats for sure.

[Shaly78]

I'm at the point of no return....I never feel like a fake, now if someone calls me a fake, then I would wanna know based on what..I've been coddled so much, by the 'secret club', that doubt never has a chance to sink in. And let me tell you confirmation or acceptance can have horrible consequences as well....I just worried about the on guardness by my alters seems a bit not like most systems only in that do I share of little bit of this feeling or similarity. Then I think well it has only been about 4 years,

Originally Posted by Shaly78

I'm at the point of no return....I never feel like a fake, now if someone calls me a fake, then I would wanna know based on what..I've been coddled so much, by the 'secret club', that doubt never has a chance to sink in. And let me tell you confirmation or acceptance can have horrible consequences as well....I just worried about the on guardness by my alters seems a bit not like most systems only in that do I share of little bit of this feeling or similarity. Then I think well it has only been about 4 years,

Sherry: I very know about acceptance. As soon as we (the majority) accepted this condition out of a life long system wide denial, we became individualized, heavily opinionated, fighting to be present, pissed off at the past, now changing our future lifestyle,.... now as a system, we have lost identity.

[Littlemeinside]

Alwayschanging2.... why do you write the names of your "alters " when you post in this thread ? Honestly, that does seem fake to me

Are you so aware when you "switch", that you´re able to do that ?

[Luce]

You know, what might seem fake to one person or system might be exactly the opposite for another. That can even be true of the different members within one system.

In my system we had a handful of alters that were always very adamant about who they were, and absolutely did not like being mistaken for one of the others. Those few often would be quite vocal about making themselves known as themselves. But for the other 90%... they were shifty and hidden, and never announced their presence to anyone. If they were ever recognized by someone outer, such as T, they quickly withdrew or disappeared. Most of our system was very hidden. That was how we needed to be for our protection in our particular circumstances.

Naming oneself and standing up for one's identity can be for any number of reasons that are very specific to each individual system. It may seem 'fake' to a different system who evolved to meet different needs in a different set of circumstances. I guess it's even 'okay' for that to feel fake to another person or system... maybe it doesn't resonate with you because your system is different. That makes sense, and it isn't 'wrong'. It's just a point of difference.

In a different system naming oneself might meet a very real need. It might even be absolutely necessary.
During the course of therapy one of our alters was extremely vocal about being herself and not one of the others. She needed to separate herself from everything else because she wasn't ready to accept it - it hurt her too much. So there was a period of time when she always announced herself and made sure everyone around her knew that she was NOT associated with the others. She always put her name on anything she wrote, because that was her very real need. She always wanted to be known for her and did not want to be mistaken as 'anything to do with those others'.
It wasn't at all fake. It was just what she needed to do for her (and thus for all of us).

So if some alters in other systems name themselves in posts, or don't name themselves, or anything at all really, I guess maybe that is just what they need to do for them. It is what works for them. Even if it is really different to what we need to do in our circumstances.

Originally Posted by Littlemeinside

Alwayschanging2.... why do you write the names of your "alters " when you post in this thread ? Honestly, that does seem fake to me

Are you so aware when you "switch", that you´re able to do that ?

Sherri: I'm sorry that you feel that way, that I can't help.

We have decided to sign our work because we want to be recognized for ourselves. I've reread some our posts and its like some of it so not me, so I don't want anyone think that I wrote it. Sometimes when I do come on here, there are new posts under this account that I didn't write, so this way we know who wrote what- thats more for us. I'm sorry that this bothers you, I can't help that either.

Yes, we do recognize our switches, or changes from one to another. Its a co-conscience thing. We've accepted being Multiple system wide (well most) which makes it visible to us. It's like a jolt when triggered of course, we have no memory of what each do or feel....we just have to piece it together to deal with the present. We have head talk where we can discuss, vote, yell, *****... We change moment to moment, sometimes like a revolving door trying to find the One that can deal with the present...it must have something to do with 18 years of terror and abuse.

Some of us don't feel that this is real, either. If its not signed, then an Other voiced their opinion. Not everyone has names, but I wanted one for me. Other than that, that's our cray cray.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Its just that amnesia thing while being co-conscience I guess I hope....yeah...weirdness

I swear at times its all in my head only to discover that things are different all of a sudden.

I wish to God that I was psychotic, but reality testing stays firmly intact...or is it an illusion?

Am I the real deal? Everytime I try to internally claim I'm the Me...I feel "fist and foot" pounding and total strife till I admit I'm wrong.

Like everyone else, I claim to be the original...so we fight over it. WTFudge.

Idk, after a few hours it all sems like a fantasy till the battle of presenting begins....and I really do speak for all of us because we all feel the same way sort of...so are we faking? Idk.

Everytime I try to say we are...the fight begins. We are Multiple.

Do you feel the same?

Hello.

Since you have many alters who all all out / aware of each other--co conscious is the word you use for this, if I understand you correctly, then why all sit down together in your head and make a decison to take the best from each of you and work together to make yourself one and whole? Rather than indulge the separtion or each, validate the feelings and expereince sof each separate part and then -since you aware of them and communicate with them-- set some boundaries(like an internal parent in your head) and for work towards some control and manageability? If there some parts that are so spearate you are not aware of them or there are som parts that are not co operative, you still can try and do your best to get these parts you are aware of together. Practice and practice and work towards this. The strongest healthiest parts can become the one real you.

take care now, kiddo

Idk how. I can't feel the others, but everyone wants to be in charge. They are just voices in my head but they take over and fight for control. We do our jobs, but some Others can run things. Its just scary.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Sherri: I'm sorry that you feel that way, that I can't help.

We have decided to sign our work because we want to be recognized for ourselves. I've reread some our posts and its like some of it so not me, so I don't want anyone think that I wrote it. Sometimes when I do come on here, there are new posts under this account that I didn't write, so this way we know who wrote what- thats more for us. I'm sorry that this bothers you, I can't help that either.

Yes, we do recognize our switches, or changes from one to another. Its a co-conscience thing. We've accepted being Multiple system wide (well most) which makes it visible to us. It's like a jolt when triggered of course, we have no memory of what each do or feel....we just have to piece it together to deal with the present. We have head talk where we can discuss, vote, yell, *****... We change moment to moment, sometimes like a revolving door trying to find the One that can deal with the present...it must have something to do with 18 years of terror and abuse.

Some of us don't feel that this is real, either. If its not signed, then an Other voiced their opinion. Not everyone has names, but I wanted one for me. Other than that, that's our cray cray.

Hello again. I encourage you to stop accepting and portraying yourself as being 'cray cray.'

[1976kitchenfloor]

There are two different choices every one of us can make based on how we answer one question: Do I want to continue to live my life as I am doing now, or does my illness/condition negatively affect my life so much I want to make the choices/ do the work necessary to make it better?

Clearly, from what you have written on your posts , your life is basically in shambles and you say you are all over the place emotionally and reality wise. On the other hand, you also have posted that you are attention seeking and a drama queen. I make a guess on this but assume you like all the attention some of the crazier postings here give you. That is not the best thing for you. Being healthy needs to be more important that being 'out there.'

For example, have you considered that publicly encouraging your separation via alters by giving them so much press and attention might be terribly counterproductive and contributes to your chaos and confusion with regard to being able to distinguish what is real from what isnt real?

Your alters dont need to be validated by anyone but you. Alters are unconsciously created as a self defense, in reaction to terrible life and soul threatening early childhood trauma. It is those early childhood expereinces and associated feelings that in time you will work through via therapy and learn to face and accept as your own. That is the essence of recovery and integration.

I wish you well. Take care.

Steven: Yeah. I thought this was a bad idea. Im gonna make them quit. Im taking over.

[1976kitchenfloor]

DID is not a psychosis. I think we all need to be aware of that.

Psychosis is treated in great part with anti psychotic drugs. Those who have DID are not psychotic and do not need and should not be prescribed anti- psychotic drugs which often dull the senses and thought processes, which in turn hampers the ability of the DID person to both cope and deal with the memories and the experiences and feelings associated with these traumatic experiences.

Recovery from DID requires a big committment on the part of both you the patient and the skilled psychotherapist you work with. Recovery involves intensive psychotherapy and psychoanalysis.

Some people with DID learn to function in their lives without being able to integrate. Sometimes integration is not the treatment goal. Others are able to accomplish an integration of all the parts/alters/functions.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Steven: Yeah. I thought this was a bad idea. Im gonna make them quit. Im taking over.

Why are you running away? In order to grow up and come together as a whole adult person you must take responsibility for your posts. Its like the little kid who dumps the milk and tells his mom, "the dog did it." This is your life here. Is this where you want to spend it? Isnt it better to face the mirror and figure out what exactly going on? There is hope as long as you are honest with yourself. Life is messy and maybe mundane at times but it is real and having a real life is what you should want. Not cray cray.

Dont worry, I got it. Thanks.

[unaluna]

Cheez it. Wtf? (((AC)))

Originally Posted by unaluna

Cheez it. Wtf? (((AC)))

i like this post. (providing it's what i think it is)

yeah... don't leave the site AC2, you are who you are and many people respect that

it takes time to get where you want to be

[Luce]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i like this post. (providing it's what i think it is)

yeah... don't leave the site AC2, you are who you are and many people respect that

it takes time to get where you want to be

Yup. People are at where they are at, doing the best they can with what they've got.

Sheila: I'm sorry you all...I'm like toxic and anti healing. I've spent most of my time trying to connect, but we've always have been taken the wrong way since forever. (Oooze drama. Lol Steve)

We are like stuck...can't get public help, private, or social....we must just keep blazing our own path and dealing with time as it happens.

As a system, We can't help to feel totally unbelievable, misunderstood or unacceptable for being...anywhere. We are often made to backtrack, make up for, and apologize for stuff we never did or isn't us that we wouldn't ever do on a daily basis. This is so dehumanizing....but somehow we have the desire to continue, even though most of us can't bare this.

I never asked for this....I want to be a rock star, a designer, an engineer, a mother, a nurse....but no I'm stuck battling me and the universe.

I wish that I can offer more than I can...but until I can, I can not.

The best that I can hope for is to live unembarrassed for a day. Just one day.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

There are two different choices every one of us can make based on how we answer one question: Do I want to continue to live my life as I am doing now, or does my illness/condition negatively affect my life so much I want to make the choices/ do the work necessary to make it better?

Clearly, from what you have written on your posts , your life is basically in shambles and you say you are all over the place emotionally and reality wise. On the other hand, you also have posted that you are attention seeking and a drama queen. I make a guess on this but assume you like all the attention some of the crazier postings here give you. That is not the best thing for you. Being healthy needs to be more important that being 'out there.'

For example, have you considered that publicly encouraging your separation via alters by giving them so much press and attention might be terribly counterproductive and contributes to your chaos and confusion with regard to being able to distinguish what is real from what isnt real?

Your alters dont need to be validated by anyone but you. Alters are unconsciously created as a self defense, in reaction to terrible life and soul threatening early childhood trauma. It is those early childhood expereinces and associated feelings that in time you will work through via therapy and learn to face and accept as your own. That is the essence of recovery and integration.

I wish you well. Take care.

Steve: okay, well....consider this....there isnt a "you" per say....a single that is afflicted by alters? We dont have "alters". We all just happen to have to fight for time in the same body. So, if I got to sit here an accept responsibility for something an Other did (you got to prove it for one) ....

Alters are also created for coping skills one has never learned or feared learning. For every social skill we were deprived, an Other was created to handle that skill.

Did you know that the physical nature of dissociation that scientists are learning to discover is that the hippocampus of the brain, the part responsible for the laying down of memories or location of memory parts is abnormally undersized? To me, this says certain people are prone to dissociation more then others while some don't dissociate at all. It can't handle trauma like a normal one can. Now throw 18 years worth of trauma at it....then you unfortunately have us. We happen to dissociate at an itch. We are poly-fragmented which means we've over hundreds of hundreds of Others, so just picking to be a whole person from our perspective is really kind of a hard thing to do...like those others like us. Thank God we don't have it worse because there are plenty of others a lot of far worse than us....bless them.

it is good to hear from you AC2.

i was worried after reading some of the posts yesterday you wern't going to come back to the site.

glad you decided to in the end

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Steve: okay, well....consider this....there isnt a "you" per say....a single that is afflicted by alters? We dont have "alters". We all just happen to have to fight for time in the same body. So, if I got to sit here an accept responsibility for something an Other did (you got to prove it for one) ....

Alters are also created for coping skills one has never learned or feared learning. For every social skill we were deprived, an Other was created to handle that skill.

Did you know that the physical nature of dissociation that scientists are learning to discover is that the hippocampus of the brain, the part responsible for the laying down of memories or location of memory parts is abnormally undersized? To me, this says certain people are prone to dissociation more then others while some don't dissociate at all. It can't handle trauma like a normal one can. Now throw 18 years worth of trauma at it....then you unfortunately have us. We happen to dissociate at an itch. We are poly-fragmented which means we've over hundreds of hundreds of Others, so just picking to be a whole person from our perspective is really kind of a hard thing to do...like those others like us. Thank God we don't have it worse because there are plenty of others a lot of far worse than us....bless them.

Hello, All I can say is take care as best you can.