Can anyone relate?

it is hard to describe and understand...

i haven't even began to think about trying to process anything, i cant..
im just not strong enough to handle it even though my mind is trying to push me, i just keep burying things and running from them..

i guess thats why i cant think about it..
still i haven't really accepted the fact that i am hurting.. im at war with my self

i know the confusion and memory stuff is really frustrating.. part of me really wants to sort it out too, understand and make it better, but i dont want to deal with any of it.. i just want to forget and be normal like everyone else, but im realizing that i cant - trapping me :/

i dunno how you all do it... i am wearing myself down and exhausting everything in my arsenal to try to fight it, i guess just to buy a little more time.. but this way i have been is not really good... not like im enjoying it... but i dont know what else to do, im afraid of it so some how i turn power off to parts of my brain.. atleast it would seem something like that..

it really sucks not knowing whats happening, how to handle it or what to do to make it better!

i think it sounds like you are moving forward though right? must be a good thing, if the gears are starting to turn for you then i would keep going with the flow
hopefully things will come into focus and you will have a much better vision and understanding

gives me hope that maybe some how some day i wont be so scared of it

It's ok! The way you are describing your feelings is exactly how I was when I started this. My counselor talked with me, I believe when he realized what I was dealing with, and told me I would not be the same person that I was then if I chose to work through this.

He was right. I'm not the same person I was. I'm in the process of knowing who I really am. And. I am steadily becoming the person I was created to be.

It has been scary and there have been times that I didn't want to see or actualize what my mind knew was true.

You may already this but I'm 52 years old. I've spent the majority of my life either numb or in some other state of a triggered mess. My heart wishes it had the knowledge and strength to have started this earlier in my life. I do trust His plan and purpose though.

Take heart and know that you are already looking for peace and answers. I pray that you find peace in the fear. Leaning into it sounds like an invitation for fear and hurt. But, it's actually the doorway out.

Truth brings freedom, is what I've found. It may have some distress connected to it, but on the other side the is understanding of who you are.

((( understanding hug )))

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thanks..
im just really ashamed, i cant even bring myself to talk about it i dunno how im going to .. how does anyone bring them selves to say some things... oh man >.<
but then again i probably wont talk but i will and just not remember, grrr this stuff really rattles the cages so to speak..
im 26 so i guess its good that im trying to start dealing with it now, again im sorry that you've had to go through so much, one of my biggest fears is because its hard for me to notice time passing and remember stuff.. i have to try not to let that happen... just dunno if i can do anything about it

its difficult to even type this because my head starts to spin, i just really dont want to think about it i think like i really cant you know? its locked away and im not even going near it, trying not.. but im blind or something and walking around knocking all kinds of stuff over like a clumsy fool..
i dunno how to not be afraid of it so much grrr cant make it stop you know.. its like teetering on the edge, im losing it because it keeps trying to go one way more or the other, whatever... and i feel like its all going to come flying out at me at once and destroy me..
i dont like it, i have to do somethings i never wanted to do and im always so uncomfortable anyway this is just going to be so much more and i dunno if i can handle it
so unfair
i never know what my reaction is going to be when im surprised... dont like surprises much..

im really detached or something, outside of time... i cant believe its the 9th.. well, another day is already gone so its really the 10th

all i can do is sit here and shake my head, what have i gotten myself into..
then i just remember the shame, you spend so much time hiding something from everyone and yourself, but in the end it will still be there waiting for you to deal with it, growing bigger and darker and more scary, i just dont want anyone to know... i hate attention so much .. especially when people look at you in certain ways because of some fallacy .. or some events that transpired... puke

ugh, sorry im just having one of those "long moments" or something :/
i just think i've been stuck in the bubble for .. like... a long time, i think i started noticing it somewhere in end of last year... noticing things about how i have always felt and memories and stuff... im just super aware of how altered my perceptions seems to be at the moment...
disorientating me just hope im not really losing my mind completely, or going brain dead such is irony...

i've been trying to stay sober a great deal since like middle of last year..
i guess a sober mind is more active and asks more questions and notices more things..

think its a little hard to lose your mind when you've already gone mad

just glad that im not typing backwards or in complete gibberish since its really hard to focus currently... embarrassing..

many hugs, more of my rambling antics - dunno how i type that stuff, guess thats what you get for zoning out

Courage. The desire to want more. The push of your heart and spirit to want to be free.

That's it.

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What you describe makes pefect sense.

the body memory part is always there.
Seeing your memory and being both in the memory and being the person who is seeing this? Being in two places at the same time? When I was still actively DID that was something I also experienced-- a disconnect/dissociation so complete you are in two places at once ( in your present perception and personal awareness)

I think all this is relevant to where you have come from, who all you have been ( in your parts and pieces) and who you will be after this is all worked through and made yours.

I think you must be really actively in therapy right now. Things are breaking loose and you are beginning to acknowledge the reasons and need for your being/living as you ahve in order to protect yourself until you were strong enough to work through all this and bring it all together into yourself.

Take care. Be patient with yourself and generous in attending to your needs, as you continue to work through this in therapy.
.

Trailrunner, I absolutely have thought all of those things many times. Everytime new information and breakthroughs come up its like going right back to first realizations that everything i thought i knew about my life could be completely wrong?! It mever ceases to be shocking in someway or another.