what do i do :(

sorry about grinding this stuff... im trying to deal with things .. without causing big problems outside of myself

i have a surprise appointment tomorow, that i didnt know about..
i dont think they told me about it but i got a letter in the mail today and have to be there tomorrow to do some paper work :/
pretty sure they didnt tell me about it before though.. i think they forgot to, not that i forgot about it

i have a new fear though.. is this normal?
i am afraid that something is going to happen and im just going to spontaneously recover, or spontaneously get all better, or that suddenly all of these weird things that are happening to me go away...
that my memory fixes itself and i stop forgetting everything, that a continuity suddenly pops up, a solidarity of self...
and im not sure if i can live with the after effects if that happens... already feel like im exaggerating things... if something like that happens im really going to feel horrible, like i a huge liar... fraud/fake..
im even afraid of what will happen to me if that happens.. if all of these things that i think are what define me, suddenly vanish, what a nightmare...

i dont know if i want to get better because i dont know what 'better' is..
but im being just silly :/
i just hope that it doesnt happen for the sake of my sanity...

if someone has a factitious disorder... they realize that they are making things up right? i mean they can't just make up a bad memory and not be able to remember anything.. internally...
i know people can fake it to other people but you cant fake it to yourself can you?

words... who cares... just words...






giving up... no words... doesnt matter anyway... i hate you...

i need help...
bro wedding...
i had to go...
i could of say no i cant...
but i need to i had to i must i cant say no...
i cant say much things i dont want to identify myself...
people... people... people .... .... ...
i cant say how much everything triggers me....
i love everyone... but i hate this... it makes you hate everyone...
just stay locked in a hole... stay away from everyone... people... people...
he is very happy... i am happy for him... it is beautiful... but how i can be resentful... but i am not... it is not me... it is what i am locking away... i cant... i cant...
to let myself go...
i see so many family there... foster family...
things come from out of no where... how do you feel something you not remember...
how do you feel something you not understand...
why... your so stupid... you make the same mistakes over and over...
you make yourself so ashamed... you are so pathetic...
everyone must think you are so bloody retarded... but they repeat how you used to be so genius... you had high hopes for everything... in every one eyes... you supposed to be top dog... lead the pack... so talented with everything...
but you cant lead yourself... what a loser...
i cant face this life... i cant face these people... i need out... i dont want to do this anymore... its not fair... i cant... i cant.... please i cant...
why cant i just die.... why must my misery prolong... why must i bring myself down in everyones eyes before its over... why must everyone realize how failure i am... before i stop... why... why...
im so tired... i cant do this... they wanted so much for me... but look... at me... why.. what a failure... what misery... why... what pain... what infallible torture....
you increase your waves... you increase the infliction... you push me so far... i cant go through this... you want people to see these things... i cant deal with it... i want to stop... i want to pretend there is nothing wrong... i want to fix everything... just get a life... get a job... a career... a life.. a family... a life... my own ... life... what is life...
"Left-In-Fire-Eternally..."
burn... burning... why it doesnt kill me... im tired of burning... self torture... you fool...
what a miserable fool... what an idiot... pathetic... failure... stupid *****.... just die... die.... die.... die... please just die.... save it all the trouble... save it all the expectations.... nothing is in this world for me... nothing is in this recovery for me.... what a miserable attempt to be normal... what a miserable attempt to survive.... i want out.... i want out.... please leave me alone... just let me die.....

you cant hate me as much as i hate me... i cant hate me as much as i want out... one way or another this has to stop... i cant........ i cant........

whatever... what more do words matter.... words.... words..... stupid words..... just die...

sorry for posting those dirty thoughts..

i must of been a little drunk.. its all so blurry... i think everything was fine, people were really happy to see me
i mean i dont think i was drunk... im pretty sure everything was fine... i guess just the sleeping side woke up when i left..

that stuff stresses me out though people have no clue the weights and chains i drag around, the heavy weights of shame and pain..

i hate being like this.. such an inconsistent fool but its hard to be consistent when you cant remember things that are happening..
if everything combined then i probably would turn into a maniac... and then really no one would ever want to see me or talk to me or whatever..
but i seem consistent in the eyes of others it seems... what a mirrored maze of lies and deceit... but then again i dont want anyone to know anyway so whatever.. i guess it works... just sometimes i wish that things could be different, maybe not go through this alone..

i just hope that i didnt do anything to make anything worse for me.. the less people know the easier it is
its just hard to keep yourself in one place when your mind is escaping, evading...
sorry about writing negative things here.. i guess some part of me just tries to have some outlet.. but its not sustainable, its not ideal...
trying to knock it off..

i gotta figure out how to pull myself together.. i dont want to die
its just really hard.. and i am so scared of myself.. of everyone... of repercussions..
but how do you get the courage to face it.. face something you cant, i am too weak..

its a terrible thing when the life you have is so... i can't even think of a word to describe it
i just cant face my life.. im a coward

sorry about this.. i've been trying really hard to keep myself away from writing these type of things, i mean why write something stupid in a place other people can read it?
what good can it do

i dunno why i do it... sorry...

therapy in 4 days.. everything will be fine.. i just have to learn to leave it where it should be and not expose stupid thoughts to other people with probably worse/more complicated problems than i...
im just a cry baby.. dont mean to make people think badly of me.. im fine..

been drinking more again lately
i just suck at handling problems.. stress... i dont know how to handle anything, what a cave man brain

grrr.. if i was already drunk i dunno why i had to inflict self harm, cant i be happy with just 1 or the other? i guess stress just makes you really stupid, but i dont think i ever was as smart as everyone always claimed i was... bragged about.. how could i of been?
but then again i dont remember anything anyway, i've just got brain damage... and im probably dieing.. should make the best of what little dumb life i have left

sorry again.. i hate tainting this place with such empty cries, insight into a stupid imprisoned tortured mind..
i seriously need to go away before someone here finds this forum and if they ever do it might only be a short while before identifying me, if i dont even want to know whats going on in my own head then i surely cant live with someone else finding out and hounding me with stupid things like "im here for you" "you can get through this" "things will get better" i cant stand it.. guess thats why i put on other faces.. if im doing that then clearly i dont even want to think about things, so just .. whatever..
i hate this.. too much shame..


over and out.. i'll maybe try to come back some time later... if i can keep my retarded self away from spamming retardednesses

goodluck...