what do i do :(

you are normal. you are having a normal response to trauma. grounding exercises work. ie. you can count the number of clocks in a room or look for 3 red things, blue things and green things. then listen for 3 sounds and try to identify 3 smells then feel gravity pulling your body to the earth. also having someone throw or pass you a ball or an object works. a glass of water helps by grounding you and releasing stress hormones. walking works too. i know it's embarrassing, but you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. you did nothing wrong!!! neurofeedback and eft helped me b4 and i suggest you find a good counselor who specializes in trauma. may angels surround you.

Gotta also give cred to that counting exercise for grounding. It really helps to get out of that 'emotional brain' and feel a little more clear headed again. For me, anyway.
It seems like you're driving yourself crazy by trying to figure everything out? and yet you seem to be going around in circles and not really be able to get anywhere with it? Is that how it feels for you?

i have been trying to pay attention to things... pulling my attention to things and trying to really notice my surroundings... been trying to do the breathing stuff and even trying to count stuff but it doesnt really seem to be helping
seems to be getting worse... maybe im just doing it all wrong, just trying to get out of my head but i seem to be trapped in here, but i dont really know whats happening and i cant really ... like.. well im having a really hard time trying to find words to describe it because it just seems so bogus, so far out there, like im the only one on the planet that is experiencing this.. i mean i know on some level thats not true, but its what it feels like.. like this is all just an elaborate illusion, joke, some type of game my mind is playing on me... but then i remind myself, why cant i remember anything..? with each passing day it seems to be increasing, im afraid im going to completely forget everything and not be able to recall anything.. but at the same time on some level i feel like im doing this to myself... like its all my fault...
i dont even know who i am anymore... i just have these type masquerades... but during these moments i am the masquerade, its who i am, but i lose it as quickly as it comes and i end up forgetting that too.. sitting alone, here, i feel like a shell... i mean i dont know what i feel, i cant understand what emotions and feelings are at this point... and i dont know if that makes any sense... i can be extremely analytical and it has to add up, if it doesnt add up i have to make it add up in some way - smashing the numbers together until it looks like they add up even if it doesnt.. but im so... blah - im just so complex i cant figure myself out at all and the more i look, the more i try, the more everything seems to hide and elude me... i don't feel much of anything, but i feel a great deal of everything in other parts of my being - some how - and i cant explain it...

so tired of not having the explanation... not understanding... confusion... i've lived with a horrible memory my entire life so its osmething you grow used to i guess.. and something everyone around you gets used to... but i cant stand the confusion, i cant stand not having the answers, i can be so obsessive at times in trying to decode things and figure things out because if it sparks my interest i have to know, i have to... and this is myself, realizing that i dont know what i am even, who i am, what is happening to me, what has happened in my life, where i am at in life, what of my future?

i guess you could say that i do feel extremely trapped... i am absolutely driving myself mad, utter insanity
running in circles, because i cant remember what paths i have already taken... cant remember if i already did this, or read that, or contemplated on this... or fought off that... argued with myself over this.. or came to a conclusion on that... this is ludicrous... and it just has to be a bad dream, how could reality become so... twisted....

i am tired... but my mind continues on its own, i want to quit but it doesnt care, i fear falling backwards and returning to a past self, drinking... drinking.... turn it off, i cant handle it so i drink and drink and drink...

i have tried to explain a couple of times to my mom, but every single time i try to explain anything about what i "Feel" -- i am returned with a response of that they experience the same thing, they feel that too, no one can ever just say "that sounds hard.. im sorry you are struggling" when i know for a fact they aren't feeling what i feel... maybe it just seems so exciting that they think its cool and fun.... but im so tired of not knowing who or what i am, just tired of this because im going to die... and not have a memory of my own to claim...

but whatever... none of it makes sense... and i guess it doesnt really matter... im not going to remember....

the pain comes, the pain goes... my hearts desire never shows...
the lights wane, the plight grows... these seeds of justice i painfully sow...
i want freedom, to be released... for this war to be ceased...
let me go, let me go, let me go

All this searching... what are you trying to find?

I can identify *so* much with what you write.

Sorry - I don't know what else to say.

well, im just searching for myself...
searching for a map...
an understanding...
the truth, an escape - or deliverance...
where i am?
where have i been?
where am i going?

"lost in a maze of worlds..."

i dont really know anymore... i just feel like i cant give up, i cant succumb to the madness... i cant let it over take me... i dont want it to take me over, to lose this that i thought i was... but i never knew what i even thought i was anyway so i dont know why it even matters...
i guess its just the fear of the unknown, not knowing where i will land if i let go... not knowing where i will end up if i stop running... not knowing what will happen if i let go, but its taking so much out of me to squeeze ahold of these grips i have on this mind, the prison i created myself to contain every little hurt and pain and ugly truth that i have ever realized...
its not so bad to do when you contain big bad wolves... but when you start boxing up butterflies, bunnies, box everything up because you dont want to face the reminders, the ones that you know a behind the nice faces...
i guess you lose too much... too much is gone and you forget too much and you just dont know what to do anymore... i just know im going to inevitably see myself as the enemy and box myself too... but what will happen to me... im afraid....

i guess i just dont realize that i have already boxed myself...
the bad stuff is supposed to be over, but its really not... im living with these little pushes... they are still around me and releasing the same energies they did when i started this i guess.. they dont realize that they are triggering me because i guess they think they are not doing anything wrong... maybe they aren't doing anything wrong and im just too super sensitive to any type of agressive negative force or whatever... and then to have this person that tried to kill us to be released from prison soon, and to have them talking about needing to sign release papers to take on certain type of responsibilities so they will have a place to come find him if he goes psycho again.. its no wonder its getting worse... no wonder everything in my mind is scrambling around, rushing, looking for answer, need to know what to do, now!! need to know so i can stop this... so i can face it and not be afraid... but i cant stop it... i know there are only a couple options that i have if i come face to face with him again...
i will freeze... disappear completely inside...
or i will kill him... changing into the rage... blacking out...
or i will run into the woods... run... run.... keep running....
i will probably do all 3 of those....

i froze so many times... im so tired of this... all i ever wanted was to be happys...

i lost myself...

i tell them that i dont want to see him, that i will kill myself if they let him come live here with us - or i will kill him
my dad doesnt seem to understdand... he is like, well i wouldnt want to be locked in prison... and i am like, he tried to kill me!!!

im just a big baby i guess.... sick and tired

please deliver me... give me strength... i have to escape... i cant handle this... turn it off, i must go away














i guess im stuck, im trying to just not even think about it because right now there is no answer and i know there isn't anything "I" can do... its like telling a computer virus to clean itself up and repair the damage done
i guess i just created an illusion of a new life, but i cant really recognize it, one where i didnt experience any of the bad stuff, you know? i dunno how i have gone so long without fixing it, but i didnt know what i was doing
now im faced with this dilemma; i have this life i thought i was fine, everything was ok, but i have this life that is real that has been really bad... and maybe i just cant accept that this is my life, that is my life, or whatever..

i wish things could of been different, no one deserves to experience things like that... and i dont even remember everything, but the flashbacks and stuff i do have are horrible, i just want to stop it you know...?
would like to pretend nothing happened... just be ok, why cant i just be ok?
my brothers aren't so messed up like me... i mean they continued their lives and im stuck, frozen in a thought, a pattern of escape, im not even real.. im just a memory or created illusion that makes me think that i am fine, i dont know if i could handle all of the pain if it all came, so i guess i disconnect it.. completely... i dont want anything to do with it... but you get hurt because you lose parts of yourself, and you start to realize you're not whole...
why didnt the others get so affected..? why did this happen to me? i wanted to be doing so many different things by this time, but at this rate i'll just continue getting older... more ashamed... with no life, and not the ability to even create one - because i dont know what to do or what i want or where to go or how to manage..

my sister has a little one now and i look at her and feel like, you know it makes me happy and i really love her but it makes me feel like i wanted to have the happiness she has... at a year old... and my brothers have kids / having kids and getting married and going to college and....
i just feel so pathetic
i try not to think about it but im on a merry go round, but im also not on it and im going in rotations seeing the outside world oscillate while simultaneously watching myself from the outside on the inside, on the inside from the outside - so i wont let myself forget, but i desperately want off and no matter how hard i try to grab myself from the outside its going too erratically for me to rescue myself...

i just tell myself what i have told myself from the beginning, these things dont last... close your eyes and it will be over, but you open your eyes and you are there in your mind still, although you are here now ...
i guess im just having a lot of trouble because its not over for me, i KNOW that this person is going to come back here and he's going to do his usual routine... make everyone trust him, and then try to burn the house down or something... while everyone else is giving him a chance, i sit hyper alert, in panic state, knowing, waiting, its coming.... i cant handle it much longer... i am so tired... i just want the night mare to end... if its not one thing... its another... right...? hehe...

i think im going to close my eyes for a few days... i have until the first before i can see the therapist again, even then im not sure what good its going to do because i cant seem to remember the things she tells me or we talk about... but she wanted me to do that notes thing with the moods or whatever and i really have no clue how to... so i just seem to continue to write random thoughts... and i guess just maybe, maybe i will trick myself into taking it to her.. but i am terrified because the moment i let someone else inside... when they are able to see me, whatever i am, where ever i am in this head, i will have to see me too... and i dont know if i want to do it...

so much shame... pain... and i cant get them to even give me a klonopin or a valium... if they dont soon, i know im going to just start drinking again... i am fighting it now, but im growing weaker and the will to escape is growing stronger and im just going to lose it... and ill disappear from here again, from these forums, from my mind, and i wont know when i will come back again because it will be too late

all i want is to be happy, i just wanted to be happy, to feel good, to not feel pain.. its so hard

this feels so stupid, maybe its not dissociation at all?
im really annoyed, i dont know why i cant just drop it and do what i normally do..
everything really is fine, if i just stop being a little cry baby and stop dwelling on stupid things that dont even matter ..
i dunno why i keep going back to the same thing, im being so stupid..
i think that im just really tired and im over reacting to trivial things... why would i keep doing that?
if i realize that im just blowing things out of proportion i should be able to just chill out
i just keep forgetting this simple simple fact..

i just need some smoke, smoke and everything gets better
sigh

really frustrating when you get on your own nerves..

edit::
im gonna drive myself crazy doing this.....
clearly i am dissociating some how... reminds me of something i wrote... in the journal

4/28/2016...
why does this keep happening... i cant take it anymore.....
i cant... im making myself sick... im going to really go insane if this keeps happening, how can i believe any of this is real when i cant even seem to understand my own thoughts or feelings or beliefs or... whatever....

just making a fool out of myself and adding to the shame...
but i am the fool, to throw my self around like this... how is this even possible... to get so confused... to be sure of something, but not remember why you were sure of the contrary before - but sure you are sure, only to have it happen again... and to just give up.... not sure about anything... but that doesnt last either because ill be sure again... but there is no solidarity... i... its no wonder i argue with myself so much... i just want to sleep.. im tired of weeping... please make it stop...

words are empty, words are plenty...
meanings are lacking, time is snapping...
strength depleting, sanity receding...
escapes closing, the mind exploding...
information surprise, what i despise...
thoughts galore, battles wars...
storms permitting, pains emitting...
souls torment, my souls torment...
searching answers, dodging lancers...
lost myself... in this maze...

i want a different life... i dont want this....
im going to distance myself from speaking for a while...
although i say this but probably wont abide by it later...
i keep putting my foot in my mouth...
sorry for being so convoluted... just hope im not disturbing anyone as the way i am disturbing myself
i dont know what to do....

hey.. time is so weird... im still going to try to distance myself..
but last night seems so far away and i just wanted to ask a little question.. if anyone knows..
well, im still going to try not to ramble so much -

only going to ask here because i dont have anyone else i can ask and honestly im a bit afraid to just come right out and ask the therapist about something like this because i dont want her to get the wrong idea.. but if i do take the journal in like she wanted then maybe it will come up anyway - just a little embarrassed about the contents because it seems to contain intimate thoughts that never come out anywhere else, plus its just a mess in some pages..

i looked at some of my older posts again it can be disturbing to go back and read something you wrote and dont remember.. so embarrassing
sorry that i get weird alot... appreciate not being ridiculed for being a wacko...
apparently a few months ago i started reading/looking into a bunch about DID.. sometimes i can get pretty obsessive over soaking information up...
its kind of something that happens i cant really help, but thats not the point here..

well... i have this idea in my head of what DID is and i was just wondering if someone could clarify a little

a severe form of dissociation in which ones psyche separates and goes in different directions to confront different scenarios with dissociated identities... identity just being the way we perceive ourselves, the dissociation separating the different self perceptions so that one can take on the role of the other completely to handle the scenario..? being aware or not aware of the other identities? or aware of even switching..?

does this cause a constant fogg? dissociated state or something..?
which gets worse periodically?

also.. if its still dissociation.. does that mean that it involves the same things as someone who just mildly dissociates and numbs things out, or spaces out and goes away in their mind, but the difference being that their identity isn't altered..? new role not taken on to take over during the dissociation..?

how do you gauge dissociation? dissociation in general can cause identity confusion right? but identity confusion doesnt mean DID, right?

also is it possible for someone to just not have a self identity? or maybe someone to not have an identity but pretend to have or become other identities so they dont feel empty...
that would be like borderline personality right..?

is it possible for someones identity to be like, everything?
like.. being polar opposites, and everything else, as a normal state without any type of disorder? like, could a person be extremely shy introverted and withdrawn.. but at the same time be extremely extroverted, outgoing and lively ... in a lot of pain and suffering, but also not? to be a drug addict/alcoholic and to not be able to stand drugs/alcohol? to me i would think not because thats how you define an identity right..?
that probably doesnt make any sense, im not sure how to ask..
i mean im guessing that anyone could take on a role and act any type of way they want... but what i mean is to actually be those things... without acting or trying to create it

what exactly is an identity?
and how do you identify your own identity?

i dunno, it sounds stupid to even ask - but someone once told me that the only stupid question is the question that is never asked....

just wondering....
sorry if this is mixed up, its difficult to focus... and im having a hard time trying to really formulate these questions.. im not completely here as usual..
just trying to make something feel better..
it gets a bit cluttered/messy in there, super confusing...
thanks..
hope everyone is well..

im just trying to get an understanding on dissociative disorders.. plus im confused about identities right now

I don't know how one would define an 'identity'... self knowledge, I guess? I know who I am. I am me! I know what I like, what I don't like, I make choices about what I will and won't do, I know what I did yesterday, and last year, and what I plan to do tomorrow, etc, etc.

There are other 'self identifying states' within me that are not me. For instance, one whom I shall call P. She is not me. I am not her. Her experience is hers, and my experience is mine. There is no confusion between us about what is her and what is me. When she is out she is herself. Nowadays I am most often aware of when she is out, but I still experience myself as me and know that she is not me. Previously when she was out I had no awareness whatsoever. It was 'missing time' for me.
Now there is a group of us that blend somewhat. We used to be very distinct and individual, but now we tend to operate as one, most of the time. Even when we are blended I can still identify traits or behaviors that formerly belonged wholly to one identity or another.

I think a feeling of emptiness and lack of a stable identity - or different / changing experiences of 'self' - is more often related to BPD than DID. My understanding is that it is more like one identity that changes and presents in different ways... sometimes outgoing and fun, other times withdrawn and depressed etc. The mood states are quite discrete and separate but there is one 'I' that experiences them all, even though there is quite a lot of dissociation going on.

I am confused about my identity too. T3 says she is talking to "me" and I want to know which part she is talking to. She has lots of experience with DID so she gets that there are parts. I just keep going to t, figuring it will all sort out some day. I do not have a clear "host".
What I do have is separate parts that I am growing more and more aware of. In a given situation I can understand what two or more parts are feeling and sometime why they feel that way. Like when someone is rude to me, I can feel anger from my adult part that keeps the boundaries, fear from the child that needs to please, hurt from the child who is trying to please, defiance from one of the teens...
It used to be that when I dissociated I didn't realize it. It was quite confusing to the people around me, though. It was 4 years into therapy when my pdoc suggested DID, and then I was tested. I didn't know much about it at all.

Thanks, Luce. This is part of what I was trying to say. You said it better

thanks... of course im not trying to insinuate anything in myself...

honestly im a bit reluctant to even know what it is thats going on because i sort of feel like i can say "nothing is going on, nothing is wrong" as long as i dont - some part inside of me is irritated when i try to figure things out, so im trying to learn without applying much to myself...

currently im really confused, i've been like this for some time now... i dont know how long... maybe for ever... seem to have alot of disagreements within myself..
im not really sure what i like, i dont really care... i dont really have favorites, i mean i think i do, but i dont know them... i know i like the color green, green is everywhere how can you not like green? its the only thing i really know, you know what i mean?

i dont know if you guys know what it feels like to be high, or stoned, but i feel like i am stoned pretty much all the time currently... foggy... im not sure whats going on from moment to moment really, at some level im aware, but im not here... i cant remember anything, if i walk outside and sit down to smoke a cig, i will find myself sitting there, and i will look around and feel strange, like i am outside again... how... i dont really remember walking out here... or im sitting here at the computer again, but what was i doing just now? theres a cup sitting in front of me that is empty and had tomato juice in it, i sort of remember getting it earlier but im not sure how long ago it was.. but its like i think i tried to tell the therapist but i dont think i told her very clearly... i rationalize ALOT.. i will put the pieces together and make the assumptions to create the memory, whether or not the memory was real or is there, i will make it so i dont lose my mind...
so when i find myself sitting outside on the steps smoking a cig i realize, i know i walked out here and sat down, i had to of.. does that make sense?

how can i get stuck in a state like this..? is it abnormal for someone to experience something like this for months? years? for their whole life?
is this even a real thing? to like not know anything, but to know things, i know i have derealization and depersonalization... pretty much constantly... just sometimes its more intense...

but this thing about me "teleporting" around... thats what i dont really want to know, i want to know, but part of me is like as long as i dont know i can keep drawing lines from dots and making it seem just fine

i guess lost time is just like when i realize that its a different day, or several hours has gone by without me realizing..? ... wtf... its the 19th? i thought it was the 18th grrr... i could of swore it was the 18th
well.. i guess thats lost time..? man that makes me dizzy... i know i just looked at the clock earlier and it said 6/18

i dunno, maybe its brain damage... thats why it feels like im stoned or something... but its not a feel good stoned, its just like glassy, foggy, distant... and then i cant think or focus... and im confused, with internal problems.. and no memory...
i dont really like thinking about these things, when i focus on it, i dont like the feelings that come up.. and if i keep on something else will wake up and wont stop, so im just trying to becareful...

dissociative amnesia is a disorder in itself right?

when you experience depersonalization, dissociation, amnesia, ect - together - thats what they call osdd ?

i have this 1 memory... the first time i remember zoning way out, seeing the world change... having those strange sensations... the derealization and depersonalization... when i was 4 or 5 years old... playing hide and seek, i just remember finish counting to 10 and turning around and everything ... went crazy... i dunno why, i cant remember... stuff sucked back then...

still cant believe its the 19th...

I'm sorry your brain is taking you for a ride. did you consider buying a journal? just poar your self into in and bring it to therapy. sometimes even it's to much I'll make a simple list on the last page before therapy. hang in there. try to rest.

yeah i have 3 or 4 of these 70 page notebooks... need bigger ones though apparently, the first one is almost full and i started it in april i think..?

i try to write a little as much as possible since my memory is so bad.. to have an idea of what im going through, because its so easy to forget.. but its weird stuff because its just a little strange to read over something when you were hurting so much all you could do was scratch in huge letters across the page "STOP THE PAIN"
and i dont know what i was feeling when i did that... they did diagnose me with somatization disorder so i guess sometimes i just feel stuff..

but it gets weird and im kind of nervous to show the therapist because i dunno why i wrote some of the stuff i did, kind of feel like i was just being retarded and acting crazy or something.. im just scared that if i show it to her she'll think i do have DID or something.. i try not to think about it too much.. if that is what it is then of course i would like to know, but i just dont know.. its hard thing to really believe, it seems like im just making some stuff up.. i just dont want to give a false belief to the therapist and she think i have something i dont have, ya know..
i do know that im not trying to make anything up though... atleast thats what i feel like, i cant talk about it alot though because i dont want to start arguing with myself again..
gets really old when you cant turn it off...

im just sort of wondering if maybe i turned up the amnesia dial and turned the dissociation way up because im pushing buttons and at the same time trying to keep everything from myself :/

trying to take it easy though.. i just can be a bit perfectionistic sometimes and kind of need all the answers, im not arrogant or anything but i just like to know everything so i can make sure i can take care of myself the best i can... which usually i fail at anyway so doesnt seem to matter much

im glad the flashbacks have slowed down though, i keep forgetting about them, hope that i can just keep them forgotten for a while

my memory is so bad i cant wrap my mind around it.. like i keep forgetting what i wrote even just now in these posts, and what you guys said, and then i forget what im wanting to say in the middle of saying it.. if i wasn't so spacey i would get really aggravated :/

edit:
i try to do those grounding things she told me to do, tapping my legg and counting things... and listening and counting things... and the breathing.. even the muscle tension thing.. but they dont really seem to do much..? they seem so simple i dont know how i could be doing it wrong.. when i finish doing it i just feel like, "welp thats over now what"
not really sure what its supposed to do.. help me relax? i already feel calm... relaxed i guess... but im just really spaced out so how could i not be relaxed...? hmm... i mean maybe would help me when i get in those other states where im really hurting or panic attack or .. whatever happens to me.. maybe if one of those states come out i hopefully can remember to try it :/

other than that i've tried to modify it just so i can do it all the time, like ill just look around and "recognize" what im looking at or when i notice something ill look around and notice more things, and try to periodically take some deep breathes and stuff... but that doesnt really seem to help either - maybe i really am dreaming :/ maybe thats why when i go to sleep its always nightmares

honestly i think the reason im like this is because i want to be at some level.. like i know how i am and if i wasn't like this then i would maybe be dead, or worse - half dead
so i just have locked everything up in my mind until i feel confident i can deal with it..?

Brains are weird, ya know, Sometimes trying to figure things out can just make things worse. It's like memory... the research says that when you actively recall a memory you also unconsciously change it as well. what I mean is, all this trying to figure stuff out may actually be perpetuating the whole thing, making it worse instead of better. Our thoughts can become our reality. Ruminating on something creates more of that very thing... it amplifies it.
You see a t right? talk to the t. It doesn't matter if what you say is the one and only absolute truth or not.

thanks, thats what i've been trying to tell myself Luce

i just recently started seeing a therapist again... on the 2nd i think.. seen her 2 times so far i think? but i cant remember much of anything that happened in them... besides the first time she was doing the evaluation and asked questions about stuffs.. cant remember much but im pretty sure she asked about abuse/sexual abuse and i tried my hardest to tell her the truth i think... its really hard to say anything about sexual abuse...

thats when she said i seem to be compartmentalizing... and talked a little about dissociation.. but i cant remember what she said

and the second time she told me those grounding things, and walked me through them and asked me how i felt and i just remember saying "spacey..." and we did it again and she asked and i said "quiet.. its all quiet" i didnt know how to put it into words the feeling.. but i felt like i just became highly hypnotic... and after she was like ok well try to do that stuff and see if it helps or something like that and moved on to other things and i just remember my voice getting far away... not sure if i said anything else the whole time, kind of feel like i didnt... but i must of, i feel so bad that i cant remember talking with her... i hope she doesnt get annoyed or frustrated with me because im so forgetful...

she seems nice though.. i dont really know much about her but i dont really feel threatened so im hoping i can learn to trust her :/

hoping i can stop disapearing when im talking to her too, sometimes i can hear myself say stuff that i know is not true and not really sure why, i mean i dont think its true when i hear it.. but who knows

It takes a lot of time to work through stuff, or even to get into stuff when starting with a t. it does take a lot of time.
The grounding techniques can take a time to learn and time to be effective too, but I really urge to keep practising them. Its okay if they don't really help at first... but keep practising them, because as you go through therapy it will be *really really really extremely!!* helpful to have some grounding techniques that work for you. I wish I had known more / used more back when I was working through stuff.
in a way it can kinda be essential to have good grounding techniques in place before you try to figure other stuff out... because the other stuff can be overwhelming in a very not good way and it really helps to have some skills to help clear you head and find connection again. So I urge you to keep working on whatever grounding techniques she showed you, a little bit each day, because they will get easier and more helpful with practise. And you'll need 'em!!

i understand.. i know that i tend to get ahead of myself, i always try to do a million things at once and want to do it all instantly :/
but i know this isn't one of those things i can do that with, its just hard to really stay focused sometimes i guess and i forget or something happens..

i feel fine right now... besides the disconnected feeling, and other minor things of course but feel ok.. just wish that i didn't have to do any of it and that i could just be ok :/
guess thats why i disconnect so much because i dont want it to be my life at all, i wanna do other things, not those things.. ya know? super sucks

im trying to take it easy though and trying to keep reminding myself to slow down and chill out and its not a race or anything that i really need to rush...

i guess its just since im getting older and my life is so messed up that i feel like im running out of time.. will be 27 this year and i cant even take care of myself, dependent on my family and agoraphobic to the extent that i can't work or go to school or create a career or anything and just thinking about those things causes super anxiety to arise
like.. what if my parents die.. they are getting older too and it would be sad and hurtful solely for them to die but then ontop of it my life will be turned even more upside down - having to change my environment, probably live with someone i dont want to at all because i cant live by myself ect ect ect

guess that im just not able to cope or deal with the anxiety and stress at all.. which with this memory problem i forget alot of things that i know i shouldn't do and start to run around in my head frantically trying to repair damage and "fix" things and just end up going about everything all wrong :/ i've tried to "delete" the trauma stuff so many times, just seems like you can push it down and away so far... but the further you push it down the tighter the spring coils and when it bounces back it knocks you on your *****

but everything will be ok... i just have to not freak out and quit therapy again.. just wish i knew what happened last time to make me freak out... im hoping that it was just the anxiety of having to talk to someone about things i didnt even want to acknowledge - i dont talk very much at all, even about pleasant things... so its really hard to talk about anything bad

just bothers me sometimes when i notice things about myself, i can be so weird... but i dont know how to explain because i've read too many things and just confused myself...
im just trying to keep small notes to have a record..

thanks for the responses, i really am ok right now, it just sucks to realize that you keep going through these phases or cycles or shifts and not really being able to remember whats going on really messes with your head... just wish that everything i know would be helpful when i get in those states, but it doesnt seem to matter.. seems to give strength to it and i just end up really driving myself crazy - internally you know :/
gotta hide it all on the surface, cant let others know because i dont wanna make it worse by having someone watching me and asking every 5 minutes if im ok.. gotta have my privacy because im super weird and cant hide it 24/7

:edit
btw, i apologize if i've said anything bad - i read through this thread earlier but cant remember exactly what i said ... just that im weird and probably look like im on drugs or something... but im really not...
dont really want to read through it again, i dont like reading these things over :/
hope that i dont get in any trouble or do anything wrong here.. sometimes it seems like its difficult for me to really be in control of my writing and end up talking about things that i probably shouldnt.. or atleast saying things that i dont normally say.. but maybe its for a good cause, i dont really know :/
it can be embarrassing though..
gonna try to go to sleep now, hope that i can have a night without any bad dreams so i can get some rest..
really tired lately

thanks again.. it really does help knowing that this stuff might be normal.. and that im not crazy crazy... albeit maybe a little crazy, but not like madman crazy.. its easy to feel like a lunatic :/

I know what you mean - when I get worked up about something it can be hard to remember strategies that help too. That's why practise is so very, very important... it's kinda like emergency drills, ya know? It is important to regularly practise what to do in an emergency so that when an emergency occurs your brain knows exactly what to do and can do it almost on autopilot.

Did you know that on 9/11 there was one company that was very high up in one of the towers, and every single week without fail their manager made them do full evacuation drills... every single week they had to get up out of their seats, immediately leave every single thing behind, go directly to the stairwell and walk down 80 something flights of stairs. Every single freaking week, no matter how much they thought it was a waste of time.
When the plane hit the tower and the alarms sounded every employee in this company did exactly what they had practised every week of their employment. And every single employee survived.
Many companies on floors above and below them had many or all of their employees killed, because they stayed to get bags, or turn off computers, or make phone calls, or whatever. But in the company in which everyone had survived they knew exactly what to do in an emergency -because they practised - and they did it.

My point is all the research shows that the human brain can get overwhelmed in emergency situations (and when working through old abuse etc the brain sometimes reacts as though a real emergency or threat is present) BUT if strategies are practised regularly the brain can make use of those strategies even under emergency conditions. So even though it can be hard to remember how to use grounding techniques when trauma systems are activated it WILL get easier with practise... the more you practise grounding techniques the easier it will become to use them when they are needed.

The therapy process takes a long time. A very long time. But practising grounding techniques - read about 'em, learn about 'em, practise 'em - is something you can do to help you through the process now. It's like arming yourself for the battle, if you will.

yeah i know what you mean, im going to continue with it as much as i can..
like exercising a muscle, i want my tools to be in tip top shape as well

definitely need plans in place for when things get messy..

im super tired
is it possible to be psychotic in a dream?
these dreams confuse me so much.. involving SA..
in this one i could see myself, but i am in myself as well, but im not myself - i looked like my brother kind of, but not really.. was young.. and another kid was with 'me'..

i cant remember the dream completely... i just woke up when it got too much... and i remembered seeing myself as him, but also seeing someone else with me, maybe the other was me.. thats kind of how it felt but it was weird... i couldnt really pay attention because i was so thrown off by the appearance i thought was supposed to be me..
backing up against the wall holding each others arms.. not sure what happened but i think it was like i just floated out and was a spectator of the room, but like i said it got weird... the walls and lighting and stuff was wacky..
when i awoke i just remember wondering if you can be psychotic in a dream, because things started to get really weird and strange.. like when things flipped around and i could see myself as someone that looked similar to my brother, and the other kind of looked like me i think... and then for images to be flashing in my mind while seeing that, and to see someone on the other side they were backing away from or whatever..
dunno if that makes sense

i know they are just dreams, but my dreams feel like so much more you know never seem to get any rest hehe, just open my eyes to another world
was hoping to actually have a nice dream last night but im used to it...
dreams seem to be ramping up again

Godsmack-No Rest for the Wicked

how do you deal with shame?
how do you not blame yourself?

i just tell myself to shhh....
but ignoring things and blocking things doesnt solve things..
fighting, arguing... harming, drugging... yelling, screaming, cursing, denying, pleading...

i dont like fighting...
really dont like fighting with myself

but im not good with confrontations...
and my mind keeps confronting me, sometimes i react badly...

some time, some point...
one has to say enough pain, enough suffering...
i have to stop punishing myself for things that i didnt do...
its not my fault... why cant i listen?

i dont know... im sorry..
i dont know what im doing
its hard to even know where you are... sometimes..

i feel so alone.. cant help but feeling these things...
i dunno where i am, in this time, but i dont want to be here..

Hi Elevated,
It sounds like you may have found a good t. She noticed your dissociation right away. And she is teaching you grounding techniques right away. Both of those seem like good signs to me. If she is that familiar with dissociation, I think she will probably be able to tell, after a while, if you have DID. But in the meantime, it sounds like she will teach you some skills to lessen the dissociation. Dissociating can be very disturbing; I am not surprised that you are feeling so out of it.
You said that after the grounding exercise you just feel sort of "so what". I think that may be a sign that the grounding is working.

thanks kecanoe,

i think she must be pretty good... she has certificates on her walls like awards for being recognized in the clinic and stuff from what i recall.. FAPT thing?
there were others but i cant remember :/

i do remember the first time i talked to her i was talking and it caught me off guard because like almost right off the bat she was like yeah it seems like you are compartmentalizing and i was like she doesnt think im lieing!!
know what i mean?

everyone before her made me feel like they were ignoring me.. not taking me serious... they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor and stuff and i was just like wtf... they kept pushing bipolar/manic dx and just kept telling me people like me have chemical imbalance that need medicine the same as someone with diabetes... no matter how many times i tried to tell them the medicines didnt seem to really help..
so im hoping it will be different with her this time..

i honestly dont really know how im feeling anymore, or right now atleast.. seems like im not ever sure how im feeling... like i cant understand emotions right now... or i dont know what emotions are mine and whats just made up or not real, seem to be blocking everything out..
confused about who i am really... i guess when you cant really put a timeline together of your life it just makes you uncertain of any kind of identity...

the psychologist i saw for the assessment in january said i had like a cognitive impairment or something so im guessing that some how my brain just is not functioning or working the way its supposed to... dont really know what he meant by cognitive impairment... i just assumed that i was so depressed that it was making me a dumb dumb.. because he told me that he hasnt seen someone as young as i am with such high levels of anxiety and depression in the outpatient setting in a long long time..
but i was severely depressed when i did the assessment, im still depressed but i was so so so bad then... i dont remember how it felt but i just know i dont want to feel that way anymore ever again... but i dont really feel anything right now... i mean i do, but i cant tell you what it is, i dont know what it is im feeling, i cant explain it
its something that plays tricks on your mind that makes you feel like maybe you are just fine and you're just making a bunch of stuff up, exaggerating small things and being a big baby

makes you want to "check" to see if you're real still, see if you feel pain, see if this is a dream and stuff... but i already have too many scars that make me feel so sad when i see them i try really hard not to do anything bad.. i have been doing good with that lately though i think... i mean, grrr its hard to know how long ago it was, last week i think some how i ended up doing it
and strange urges come into my mind that make me feel like i should or feel like i want to, but i really dont want to.. really trying not to, but i dunno, it just sucks, this all sucks so bad :/

didnt mean to go on a rant about that... i just really dont know why i do it...

does dissociation make you feel like that? do it, dont do it, i wanna do it, i dont wanna do it, just do it, why not? i dont want anymore! whats one more, because... need to know im real.. but i already know that i am..
i drive myself crazy sometimes... guess maybe i end up doing it sometimes times just to shut myself up? but it doesnt really help or fix things

gotta stop thinking about it

im gonna make myself take the journal in and talk to her about atleast some of the things in it... just have to get her to tell me that i can trust her before i do, need to hear her say that i can trust her...

i dont trust anyone... its hard to when you dont even trust yourself..

but i am ok... 10 days and i will see her...

writing here makes me feel embarrassed... but i try to tell myself that others might can understand what im feeling here... and i really do need to try to talk more... because i never talk... i mean i talk to myself a lot but thats not always a good thing... need someone outside to talk to sometimes

sorry...

::
everything will be fine, i just have to keep this in mind
try my best to unwind, and stay the crazzyness of time

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha
Read more at: Buddha Quotes - BrainyQuote


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edit x2:
i just wanted to say that i really dont think i have DID .. its just that my confusion is through the roof and im super retarded right now :|

i was wondering though.. without DID can you blank out/black out ? coming back into a dissociated state realizing whats going on and being like wooah wtf and have to really figure out whats going on before you can get control and get yourself to run out the door and get away from the whole situation ?

im not sure if i already asked this question... ive been wanting to ask it for a little while though

this thread is rather embarrassing... but i guess maybe it shows a few insights into what im experiencing.. and if i have a dissociative disorder, maybe insights into what someone with a dissociative disorder experiences..

i don't like making myself look foolish.. i try really hard all day everyday to keep from embarrassing myself and to make myself seem normal you know, so its not really easy to come to ANY place and talk about things..
exposing how different i am i guess..
so i just hope that everyone will not pass judgement on me as an individual because of my struggles here, what i've wrote and shared...
im a good person, its just really hard.. feeling like you have to survive extremes every single moment of the day...
even though nothing extreme is really happening, sometimes extremes do happen, but in general everything seems extreme and you have to be over protective to just make sure you dont slip and let something get passed you and cause any damage.. you know?
i really do try hard... but i seem to fall short, incapable of really having a full life...

well.. im trying to learn how to react and learn how to handle things in more appropriate manners.. trying to learn how to listen to myself and learn how to stop causing more pain because i push down into the dirt the parts of me that want to reach out... stepping on them all and just trying to do everything my way, the only way i know how you know..?
i guess sometimes you react in anger out of fear.. but i know that i cant keep doing this and im trying to explore other ways.. its just hard.. because all i want to do is stop it all, i dont have time for this stuff.. but i have no choice, im realizing that the way i have tried to handle everything is just causing me to get stuck in this rut, stuck in a cycle that i am trying desperately to break free from but doing all the wrong things
im just afraid that things are going to get worse... i dont want to cause more pain, i dont want to fail anymore..

earlier i was doing well, i wasnt sure what was happening but everything was fine.. i was feeling the same as usual, disconnected.. depersonalized.. ect ect... and reading a little about therapy and how to address different things and different parts in therapy...
things the patient should know and things the therapist should know.. protocols i guess.. rules.. guidelines... heh i like to know whats happening before anything happens i guess...

but suddenly something happened, i started to feel really strange... getting dizzy.. having tingling sensations everywhere... my heart was beating heavily... i could feel it in my throat... i could feel my blood pressure elevate... my palms sweating profusely...
i guess i was thinking about how i dont feel anything, how i feel empty... wondering how it is possible to not understand emotions or feelings... to not feel emotion or feelings... and it came over me, i started to feel panic rising from deep inside... anxiety taking over the body... the perception and vision being altered... depersonalization and derealization feelings increasing...
i am still not sure what it was... but i went from feeling empty, to not knowing what emotions were, to feeling fear and panic... but it wasnt really mine, it was part of me, i felt it, but i wasnt doing anything to elicit any type of panic or anxiety or fear...
still feeling empty, and not understanding emotion, i couldnt understand what was happening... so i did the only thing i could think of to do, what i thought was proper, to try to convince myself that everything is safe... to try to utilize the breathing and whatever grounding techniques that i have learned over the years... really to no avail, because what ever it was was really afraid and panicked... i dont know what i did to cause it, but its disturbing to realize that you are not fully aware of your own self... emotions.. feelings... fears... desires... needs....

i am just confused, per usual... but a little more so because of this experience... because it has been a few weeks atleast since i have felt anything... well, maybe i have felt things but i did not become aware of them so profoundly... to be effected on such a level... to not be able to step on it and kick it and push it away, it was stronger than me...

i think when i started treatment at this clinic back in 2011 or 2012 i was having this anxiety, panic... quite often... but i haven't felt it in so long i forgot what it felt like...
i don't like it, i dont want to feel hurt, i dont know why i have these things inside that wont get better, that wont release whatever the problem is...
i am angry that i can't simply fix things, because i want to live and enjoy this brief moment on this planet.. yet i am not capable, i feel like a failure, i can not prevail... and i am not sure how i feel about that...

i do not know why i am saying these things, honestly, i am not sure if it will make any difference.. and i am certain that no one here can fix anything for me or make things better..
but maybe i just want to try to do things different... try to change things up... because it is quite obvious that my current actions and behaviors have not accomplished very much at all, besides maybe keeping me from suicide.. but sometimes i wonder if that would be the better answer, but also then i would not have the opportunity to experience a full life experience...

is it too much to just want to be ok? too much to just want to know what joy feels like?
too much to want to be able to let the guards down and just relax, take a moment and look around and see that everything is ok and stop the war?

i am in dire need of assistance.. but i do not know who to turn to... i am just hoping that this lady i am seeing will be able to guide me to a better way, a better understanding, a better battle plan... this plan i have now is old and out dated... times change and so should the battle plans...

i feel like i am doing this all alone, i feel like i have no help in moving this vessel through the painful experience, to get to a better place, but i dont see a better place, i just see a dangerous road that i have no choice but to keep moving forward upon because standing still will result in death... going back will result in death... there are no other options, but a squirell moves in the bushes and i slay it... a rabbit jumps into the path and i crush it.. these things are not my enemies, but i can't just relax, i do not know how to let things change, i do not know how to accept the reality that things are different, things don't have to be so violent... i don't have to be so protective, but i DO! i can't relax, i cant... if i stop then there will be no future, i have to drag this thing to the future, to get to a place that things CAN be ok, but i dont see a place that things CAN be ok - i am tired of fighting, i just want to stop

why does it have to be such a lonely fight, a fight for something i am not sure of, not sure of why i am even fighting for it?
but i guess thats why i dont have feelings or emotions, because i can just keep fighting for no reason and not really be too bothered... sometimes i just wish that i did not have to feel so disconnected, maybe i wouldn't fail so much... i could change everything and make everything better if i did not feel like this so lost and confused, i really am not sure why... how it is possible to not remember...

good thing this is normal for me, or else i would definitely take myself to the hospital concerned that i am dieing due to the inability to recall things... i am still wondering if i do have brain cancer or something of the likes...

well... im going to stop writing... thank you for not treating me like a complete **** up... i wish i had more answers, more solutions..
it is not my intention to cause any problem, sometimes you just need a little external support, some allies, some air strikes to come in to aid in a battle that you are losing, to change the tides, to help you make a move to change the fight in your favor...
i do hope that i can eventually win this war... i am growing weary... and i just want to relax and be happy... sometimes i think to myself that this just is not fair, but i don't like to use those words.. but i think maybe it is true, maybe it really is not fair..