Dissociated part

I was diagnosed 6 years ago with DDNOS, now probably OSDD. Also PDNOS, which clouds the picture a little. Still, it seems to me this is a dissociation issue.

I have an “alter” or maybe introject, a component of me that can be very objectionable and hard to accept but I have made some progress on that. And so I am also more co-conscious, I guess would be the word, she’s more integrated and I have been better able to understand where she is coming from and also, therefore, other people who may have similar feelings.

The problem is that she can be very sadistic and malicious in tone, usually directed toward me, seldom directed outward although that has happened sometimes. Including with my T when I’ve been frustrated for several weeks trying to explain things, eventually I have gone into “female snotty b. . ch” mode, which is the only way I really understand this part of me and associated feelings, believing that therapy was a place to do that, or try at least. One session I was very frustrated and told my T, a specialist in dissociation, that my “Antisocial” and “Female Snotty” were present and even then, when my “Female Snotty” lashed out, my T got mad and shamed me. I reminded her, again, that I could keep “Female Snotty” away and out of the room and my T said, no, she didn’t want that. But this incident allowed me to understand that “Female Snotty”, at that time at least, really didn’t have access to “higher brain function” and language and concepts which would allow a more “civilized” expression. And the next session I defended her point of view – she called my T a name, after being shut down by my T, and I told my T that all she was doing was describing what she saw (in my T). Which I believe was accurate. A very self-only little girl. But one of my (social) problems has been that with “Female Snotty” dissociated, I couldn’t understand other women, in particular, when they were being snotty.

So – this part of me which seems universally unacceptable in the extreme, even with my T, makes it seem universally impossible that I can be accepted in human society, which repeats the experience of my childhood. Again, I can keep “Female Snotty” away, it’s just that with the fragmentation and “Female Snotty” beating up on me when things are going on outside that seem to elicit her, I really don’t want to keep trying to live. I’m not going to take any action, I can prevent myself from that. But since even my T, a specialist in dissociation, can’t accept this part of me and help to socialize her, I’m at my wit’s end.

Any thoughts? Reactions? Feedback?

T got mad and shamed you ......

I told a T IRL that I didn't socialise IRL with women as I found them *****y..

His "interpretation" -- "you are *****y"

ACTUALLY NO

But I was a Fool paying that Jerk money I could have spent on a vacation

Im a bit confused as to what you mean by the T shamed you\this alter. do you mean the T called names, stated put downs (calling the alter negative and discriminating things)...

if this is what you mean the solution is contacting your locations mental health ethics board and the treatment providers supervisor. this T will be put under investigation by the state board. if the board finds that this treatment provider did do these breaches of ethics they will be consequences.

on the other hand if by ...shamed... you mean the T told you/the alter that their behavior was not allowed and set some boundaries and used a non nonsense tone of voice when this alter was acting out against the treatment provider, which resulted in the alter feeling put in their place and ashamed of their own behavior thats a good thing. may not feel like it right now but sometimes the best way to get an unruly possibly emotionally or physically abusive alter to understand whats expected of them and that they are not allowed to behave that way in therapy is if the treatment provider says and shows that by setting boundaries and making things clear with this alter he is not going to allow her to verbally abuse him, that she is welcome in therapy but like with anything else it comes with rules. She may not like these rules and what he says but this is how it is situation.

my point sometimes my own alters perceived my treatment providers to be horrible, and shaming them when all my treatment provider was doing was setting the tone and boundaries of what is expected in the therapy room.

also wanted to say that is amazing that you do have control when you want to. I never had that, wish I did, with me any time I got triggered by something my alters .....took....control. I could not stop or prevent them from doing so. they did so based on what their own sense of agency was.

It sounds like FS runs on anger? Anger is a universal emotion, so there's hope for you yet, I believe. Dissociated anger may not have access to the more rational brain functions, and thus be less 'civilized' than you would like. Once associated again with the more rational and controlled parts of you it is likely there would be a mingling of both so that the uncivilized becomes more so and the more controlled becomes a little more relaxed, a little more accepting.

here-today,

It is really sad, sometimes they think that since you notice that now you should be able to control with speaking to them. I really wish your therapist would have exposed in a complete sentence way gently how you did what you did so that you would have know to work with that alter. I think therapist get caught up in the lure of certain alters and the disorder itself. My therapist has been ok with this, it is very much out of control like your watching someone else do something to make someone else jealous...I would suggest you slow down talking a bit, not to say that you speak fast, but until you can have her watch the tone so that it doesn't seem so unbelievable to the therapist the would be great. Maybe she wanted to know what else you got I don't always agree with mimicking, but this is their best shot I suppose. The ones you do have control of then that is great, ask have they been totally released from therapy?

here today......I was re reading this thread and noticed something.... you stated

"But since even my T, a specialist in dissociation, can’t accept this part of me and help to socialize her, I’m at my wit’s end."

just something you might not be aware of... a mental health treatment providers job isnt to become friends with and socialize with their clients. they can give ....you ....ideas on what social activities in your community that you and your alter can do but a therapists job isnt to sit there like a friend would entertaining your alters.

they work on problem's like if your alter has a problem with depression or other mental health issues.

for socializing usually alters have their own things that they like to do. some alters like to go to movies, others like to read, others like to go shopping or call a friend.

my suggestion is if you want to "socialize" your alter ask your alter what they like to do, then schedule time to do those things...

example one of my alters loved chocolate ice cream so I would make sure I went out to an ice cream place like Dairy Queen, or Mcdonalds or where ever else soft serve ice cream was being served. then i would buy a chocolate ice cream and sit there and eat it rather than go home. never fails while sitting there someone (other customers) would say something to me (afternoon, nice day isn't, hey that looks good what is it maybe Ill get one of those) thats what socializing is here in america. its spending time with other people of the same age and interests building friendships.

now if you mean socialize as in like one would tame an animal, well that doesnt happen with adults nor children. when an adult or child or alter is so much of a danger like a wild animal or stray that that they can not be trusted out in public in out patient settings what happens here in america is that person is committed to a hospital mental ward for being a danger to one self or others. or they are sent to a state mental hospital where they use such things as restraints, heavy medications, locked doors and such to prevent that person from harming oneself or others until they are able to be safe and no longer a danger to their self or others. the socialization activities in mental hospitals are very few such those that can be safe around others are allowed out of their rooms to roam the halls, sit in the solariums and lounges and eat their meals in the dining area while they talk to each other. because its a mental ward/hospital the conversations usually revolve around mental problems, health issues, whos on this diet or who's getting ECT that kind of thing.

Today t3 told me that my alters step forward and interact with the world when the adult me doesn't know how to react. That because I switch, I didn't learn how to be ok when triggers things happen, but I just switched and the part that handles that sort of situation did what they always do. She says that as I work with alters, I will release the alter from where she is trapped and the adult me will react to situations in a healthy way.
I guess why I am saying is that maybe your FS does not need to learn to socialize nicely. Instead maybe you can learn to deal with situations in a way that does not require FS and she can take a well deserved break.