questions: dissociative disorders version

A recent conversation with my T:

Me: That young woman who just left your office has DID.
T: I can't actually answer that because of HIPPA laws.
Me: I wasn't asking.
T: Tell me again why you didn't become a therapist or psychiatrist?

Anywho, yes, I'm pretty good at picking them out. While reading people accurately became a necessary survival skill early on, I improved those skills as a professional poker player for twenty-four years. In fact, my book on poker received much critical acclaim for my section on reading people and was considered groundbreaking. Then there's the old adage, 'If you want to know others, know thyself'. I've spent a great deal of time trying to figure myself out and in doing so, others have become more transparent.

Same question please.

spotted a few in the past, so yes. absolutely.

weekend plans?

Thank you Luce! Yes. That is a Himalayan salt lamp. I'm kind of obsessed with Himalayan salt. It's pink, which I love, and it's good all the good stuff in it that white salt does not. I use it instead of white iodized salt. I soak in it with oils. And I light it up. It's amazing to wrap your hands around it because it's warm and it feels like the salt is pulling out all of the bad stuff, like toxins and stress. Soaking in it is amazing too! I can't really taste a difference in it and white salt, but I know I'm getting the minerals. It's pink!

Call me a hippie. My favorite shoes ARE flip flops.

Weekend plans.

Going to my trail tomorrow. Trying to find peace from emotional rupture yesterday.

Looking for the movie "Contact" in the on demand movies for my tv service. I love that movie.

Has anyone else seen it?

What is a movie that you connect with?

I'm not sure about a movie I connect with, but when ever we talk movies, someone always says to me.. do you know who you remind me of?. and i'm like no?. who

them: elsa from frozen

and I don't dispute it. we have a lot in common

(and I love the song let it go)

1 movie you will never see again

grand tarino

worst thing I have ever seen in my life. I hated it.

who is 1 singer or group you can relate too

(we've done movies, now music)

I agree with you on Grand Torino!

Mercy Me. One song in particular is Dear Younger Me.

Is there a song that tells your story?

I Have This Hope. Tenth Avenue North.



Where do you look for your healing and revelation of truth?

reading chicken soup for the soul stories and mountain wings stuff

actually really changes your view of the world for the better, and reminds you that nice people/ nice experiences still exist.
what is your earliest memory

being in the park listening to the birdies

tweet tweet, indeed

any color you don't really care for?

I don't like purple

or white

what have you managed to get done today

a lot of eating and sitting around (not the best I know)
how do you feel about swearing. do you do it?. lots?. not at all?. a little?

Personally I rarely swear, but some in here swear freely. Have you been formally diagnosed with a dissociative disorder?

I have not been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. I do know and accept the fact that I am experiencing dissociative symptoms/episodes/"things" and the most important thing to me now is to learn how to recognize it for what it is and be ok. That probably doesn't make sense, but it is how I feel at this moment.

I guess if I was "diagnosed" it would be something that I looked at as something that was wrong with me. Not in a bad way, but it just feels like something that would always "be" and my mind would see it that way. It feels like it would be something that I could never accept as "me" and ok.

Same question. And, what is the good side of a diagnosis? The benefit?

years back I was diagnosed with DID through diagnostic evaluations with medical and mental health treatment providers based on the DSM IV TR diagnostics and testing procedures. the diagnosis process I went through was vastly different than how they do things today..

comparing back then to my recent evaluations ...the present way of diagnosing mental disorders is so amazing and nothing that you can find online.

the good side and benefits of my being diagnosed was my treatment changed focus from medicating my problems away to learning grounding ( breathing meditation and other therapeutic self care exercises)I became more able to take care of my daily life and problems the alters integrated/ merged together with me so that I am now one whole person again.

the benefits and good side of my recent evaluations was I got to see just how far I have progressed. living day to day you dont always see the positives but going through all the new tests like ratings and scales and well you get the point today there is so much more to being a dissociative then whats on the DDIS and DES that it takes quite a while to get through the whole process.

I have experienced the progress and the enlightening moments of realizing what has happened and bring some logic to it. I feel like I have made progress in that by itself.

The hard time ARE hard and I flip out, but in the moment of making sense of it, there is a freedom feeling of understanding and moving forward.

My counselor works with me in the moment of those hard times and he helps me walk in the direction of understanding and making sense of what's going on. It may take time, but there is progress as the fog fades.

All that to say, to me it feels like a journey of being free in understanding. If there was a diagnoses, I would feel trapped in it. To me, it would be like a statement of "this is who you are" and the progress, for me, would not be such a realizable and hoped for place.

That is just me. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. From other's post and experiences, I'm just now understanding all this, or trying to, and this is best order I can make of it right now.

I hope I didn't offend anyone by my question. It was true and honest.

What is your "go to" when you are in a hard place? What helps you feel better? I think mine right now is a soak in some salt water and frankincense.

mine's music.

I listen to it where ever I go

even when I'm on the toilet I listen to music. lol. I really don't know where i'd be without it.

do you have any outside pets, if so what are they?

I love music too! It's always playing where I'm at. Earphones are my escape.

We do have "critters" outside, not really pets but residents that share our space. There are many squirrels in our yard that love to play chase with our dogs. There are beavers in the creek behind our house. They are a lot of fun to watch. There have been a couple of gators out there too, but I think they have moved on. Glad of that!!

The squirrels are my favorite!



What animal makes you smile?

Bunnies!!!

There are four squirrels at my therapists office outside and I bring them food when we go. ONe of them has no tail but she gets around good anyway.

If you could be one age for life and know what you know now, what age would you pick?

no way.

I was going to say bunnies too!

if I could be an age for the rest of my life and know what I know now
maybe 9 or 10

do you worry about death?

If you could be one age for life and know what you know now, what age would you pick?

I would be the age I am now. here's why...

in the USA anyone under the age of 16 at the least has to be in a public private or homeschooling situation. even knowing what I do now I probably would not be able to do today's elementary school work because it is so vastly different then when I went to elementary and high school.

if I chose to be any age under 18 I would have an adult telling me what I can and cant do, an adult buying my clothing, toys, food and shelter depending upon what....they ....felt I can / should and cant/ should not have.

I also would not want to relive my childhood years oh man going through age related developmental stuff would be the worst. I remember being 10 yrs old and having a crush on my best friend. to go through that forever because of not aging no not my picture of a fun life, at various ages of my childhood I was going through the system and all the stuff that went through that, would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I also would not pick a teen age year. to have to relive puberty and teen age problems over and over again because of not aging. nope I do not want acne for ever or getting my monthly .....for the first time..... over and over and over again, would not want to relive a very emotional break up I went through as a 17 year old...

my point if I was to pick any ages as a child/ minor I wouldnt just be picking the fun times. there are things that people naturally go through when they reach their developmental ages.

another point knowing what I do know now about my life history there are many things that happened in my childhood that either positively helped to form who I am today or negatively affected me to the point of having DID a majority of my life and now after being integrated, having other dissociative disorders/ problems. to choose an age to be forever would be choosing for all those things to be happening to me again over and over and over again because thats what happened during that year that I would be choosing to be.

if I chose to be a child again I would also be giving up all that I have today like my wife, children, job, home.... so much would be lost if I chose to be a child of any age again.

no I would not change / go back and relive all those years. I am content being the age that I am. as an adult I have so much more good in my life then I did as a child.

Bunnies make me smile too!

If I could go back to any age, it would be 50 because that is when I woke up.

I do not worry about death. It is part of life. We are only here for a short time and this is not my home. There is peace in those words to me.

Are there flowers blooming where you are?

In this place where I am staying there is a large flower garden only meters away from my room. It is filled with hollyhocks and sunflowers that tower over my head. Sometimes I sit there and watch the monarch butterflies feeding.
Not far from the flower garden is the kitchen garden, filled with all kinds of leafy greens, cherry tomatoes and edible flowers. At the top of the hill are the beehives, where we can collect honey.
Behind the hill of the kitchen garden is a bush walk, which leads down to a grotto by the stream where the glowworms feed at night. You can sit on the carved log and listen to the night noises of the bush while surrounded by a thousand tiny glowing lights.

I only have two more weeks left in this little patch of paradise!

Where is your paradise?

Thank you!

You write in truth. I can see myself there. It's beautiful!! It makes my heart smile.

Where is my paradise?

That's a complicated question. My real paradise is beyond my grasp. The real paradise that I've always wanted is an imagination. The paradise I'm looking for is a place that I feel safe, accepted and loved. Every persons dream right?

The most imaginable paradise image I can imagine that is obtainable is what you just described Luce, plus the feeling of acceptance and safety.

I can't think of a question. I'm still seeing the beauty of the place Luce shared.

If I could figure out how to get pics from my phone to the computer I would share them with you!

I had to get out for a walk this evening because my brain was about to explode, and as i walked past the main lodge on my return I could hear people playing drums and chanting. I paused to listen and they waved me in, so I joined them for a while.
It was a great way to clear my head... singing harmonic melodies and beating on drums with fellow human beings for a short while fed my soul.
Back to the grindstone now.