questions: dissociative disorders version

I wish I could do gymnastics tricks and acrobatics.

(Ha! Says one of us!!!!)

Can you do a somersault?

no.

do you enjoy playing twister (sticking with the same theme)

I always wanted to be a gymnast and a ballet dancer.

I don't like Twister. Too many people in too small a space and in "my" space.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I guess you mean this in the general sense, like how we ask it of children, but i don't really relate to that question in this way. Maybe because we have many, many diverse interests and would really be happy doing many different things? Amongst others we would like to be a researcher, a data analyst, a scientist, a veterinarian, a philosopher, a teacher, a therapist, an artist, a historian etc...

But I guess whatever occupation we do, above all we want to be content. To find contentment in the everyday.
That would be pretty awesome.

Do you like sushi?

Me too!! I would love to be a scientist to discover new things and also a data analyst to make sense of it, possibly. As i said before, I always wanted to be a gymnast and a ballerina, maybe that is where my love for yoga comes from. Contentment is found there.

I love, love, love sushi!! I like it best wrapped in seaweed, instead of rice. Eel is my favorite and I like any kind of crab roll. Seaweed salad is up there on my list too! Not a real fan of squid, it's kind of too real!

It was icy here last week, this time, now it's almost 80 degrees. I hope there is a bit of winter left to say we had one. It's so up and down here.

Have you had a real winter, there where you are?

Winter has been and gone, and it was a mild one.
Now we have summer, and it too is mild. Pretty up and down all over the place.

Have you ever been in love?

no.

do you prefer cold or hot drinks

If it's hot and I'm thirsty, I like cold drinks.

If it's cold and I'm cold, I like hot/warm drinks.

What is your strongest part right now?

Me.
Made stronger this week than ever before - I think because of the communication and joint efforts this week with a very intense part of us that has been triggered up for a few weeks now. She has always been highly suicidal, but this week she worked for the good of the system rather than against it, and all because we acknowledged her and included her. Powerful stuff.

Same question for the next person.

i'd say that it's stacy (inner therapist)

very strong and present at the moment
how do you cope when you discover their's a new alter?

it's good you asked the same question because we posted before we knew you'd posted, and.... yeah.

just makes sense

Well, I just take it in my stride.
Yesterday I was reading the journal and read that the week after Christmas we were having flashbacks all the time. I couldn't remember them at all. Read back over that week and saw we had two 'new' alters come up from those flashbacks that I am pretty sure we didn't know from before. But I know they are not full alters... mostly they just hold a particular trauma or type of trauma.
But I don't feel the need to 'cope' with it. It just is.

Do you drink alcohol?

Your description of finding new ones and them not being "full alters" sounds much like the parts of me that I find. They hold moments, images and emotions that explode in a undercurrent. It takes time for me to realize what's going on and connect with it. That's the hard part! I think that usually, after a connection and understanding has happened, then things calm down and we can work together.

My counselor told me week before last to "play the game as it comes to me. Don't pressure it. Just let it come." That may not be exactly how he worded it, but that's how I remember it.

Anyway.

Do I drink alcohol?

I drink beer and I like it. . I really like trying the different craft beers. There is actually a pizza place here that has a large selection of craft beers on tap and they will let you sample them all if you like, and pick your favorite. That's fun!! . I don't drink hard alcohol. It doesn't do nice things for me. Wine gives me a horrible headache.

How do you connect with the parts of you? Does connecting with other parts mess with your time perception? Sorry I know that was 2 questions. I'm just really struggling with the time thing right now.

ETA: added the second question. Forgive me!

Did I do something bad? Sorry for the extra question. Please ignore the second one.

you didn't do anything wrong

(I don't actually know why no one replied, the thread just got pushed to page 2)

No, you didn't do anything wrong. I did however - I wrote a response and didn't post it! Lucky it was still here when I came to reply.
I wrote (2 days ago??):

I connect by talking... just asking inside. Sometimes by writing in my journal and asking questions to a specific part. I don't always think about simply talking to them inside, but when I do it it often works.
A timeline of connecting to an important one recently...
-- last few months at Ts office, being aware of the internal response to being offered a glass of water, and thinking that would be typical of H's reaction. But not aware of anything else. (I have to say here that the current event in daily life were things that she has dealt with in the past, but I wasn't coconscious with her so usually have time loss when she is out.)
--Post Christmas week, lots of time loss, being aware that the style and content of writing found in the computer diary was typical of H. Signs of depression around the house.
--- Last few weeks - In class... seeing Hs handwriting in our lecture notes and mock exams. Time loss.
-- One week ago --- Talked to DID friend who suggested talking to H (I hadn't even thought of doing that!?) So I did just by asking internally, and she responded.
Since then we have communicating internally. She has been helping us. We have been helping her.
Yesterday she shared memories with me. I forgot again, but I just remembered now.

Second question; yes, I get time distortion. I think I lose time more than I realize because time just flies by usually. Yesterday I was out for the whole written exam without switching (unusual - for 4 hours) and time went on forevvvvvver. Another day a few weeks ago I was out for a whole study day I was amazed by how much I could get done in one day without time jumping all over the place. Most days when I try to study I come to at the end of the day and have no idea what has been done (definitely no study).

Question:
Do you wish to integrate?

I am not sure.

I like working like a team being co-conscious. But the fragments... if they disappeared my trauma would do too, but that's not possible. I guess I want the fragments to integrate... and my two alters team to stay like they are.

Question:
What was the first thing you thought when you found out about the complex dissociation?

oh jesus, not another diagnoses

that, or dissociation?. no one ever gets diagnosed with dissociation that I know.

do your diffrent insiders have diffrent accents, or just voices?

(meaning by this, 1 of my insiders has a strong liverpool accent, and we're not even from liverpool)

I kind of wish it was me who had that.

Thank you SS and Luce. I'm not sure why I felt panic and in trouble. Probably just where I was.

Luce, that is what I usually do also, the talking inside and journaling. There is a part that is out there, that seems/feels like a block and I'm not sure what to do or how to get to it. It may be that it's just not ready to make a connection to me. I feel it there, but it feels like two hands up in my space telling me "no."

OliverB, Hello. Reading your post and your reference to "alters" and "fragments" - I'm thinking on that. There are fragments (parts) that have come up and we have walked them to a safe place. Well, most of them. There seems to be a remnant left of them in those places. Working on figuring out what to do with that.

It also makes me think of the difference in the two, altars and fragments. There are 3 distinct parts of me that handle things in different ways. Then, there are these others that have been unburdened and taken to safety. I'm seeing my inside differently from your comment. Thank you!

Not sure what to think about the integration thing. I don't really understand that just yet.

My parts don't have an accent, but they have a different "feel" and view of the world. When I get communication from those parts of me, it's more of a knowing and an understanding. I have actually heard words before, but that was also as thoughts and inner knowing. Hope that makes sense.

Question:

Do you experience body memories and sensory memories with your parts?

yes to sensory memories and body memories. Sometimes it takes a while to put things together.

We have different accents too. One of our primary 'mother' parts speaks with a posh british accent. She was out a lot when our children were little and they copied her, so our children speak with the distinctive posh british lilt. We (the family) used to often be asked what part of England we come from! When we are alone we have a multitude of out loud conversations and there is quite a variety of accents in there. I don't even know if they belong to different ones or not, but I know *I* am not saying that stuff!

How long have you been aware of your dissociative disorder?

I totally understand.

I think we all get like that sometimes- we post something, or we do something, but no one replies/ takes note, and we feel it's our fault

((((((hugs)))))))

Depends how we define 'aware'. I started drinking at age nine when I became aware of the existence of blackouts and thought that might be a great excuse to hide my frequent periods of amnesia. So, while aware of a of a dissociative symptom, I had no idea what was causing it. Ironically, while trying to get clean and sober eighteen years later, I experienced my first moment of co-consciousness. More awareness but still no name for it. Some research later, I had a name for it, but no diagnosis by someone legally licensed to do so. Wasn't diagnosed until about nine months ago but by that time there wasn't much left to become aware of.

Do you still struggle with denial at times?

Denial. Greatly right now.

The analytical part has been humbled and silenced by denial.

Not really sure what to do with that just yet. There are too many emotions covered by numbness. I don't really have words to describe with any more detail. It feels like a polar freeze. No one knows what to do or what to think.

What do you do with denial?

Typically, I hit it over the head with a rock. A big rock. On a more serious note, my best defense against denial is knowing that I can't deny this without denying a part whom I love.

There is incontrovertible evidence of DID that can't be denied - I need to keep those moments in mind when denial raises its head. I think the fodder for denial comes when we cooperate. I get too tired to take another step and Sonseearae will speak up with something like, "Go to sleep! I got this!" Often I will let her and head for the back room of our safe place where we do not hear, see or know. Because there was an element of choice involved...the switch was not completely out of our control (although it may have happened organically if we had continued to push ourselves) denial can creep in. Remembering those times when there was exactly zero choice helps.

Does your system have a favorite show that all or most agree on?

I completely agree with what you have said. Maybe not hitting denial with a big rock.

That was the first response I've experienced from that part of me.

There are definite signs and moments that pint to dissociation and another part of me being there and not me.

I'm just having a really hard time right now focusing on it and acknowledging it. There are tears behind my eyes.

Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. I don't have words.

How do you show denial compassion without hurting it?