Committing

Can i ask a strange Question risking making myself sound stupid..?
Because i have a thousand answers to this question, but i dont know how to approach it..

and i am having some difficulty just coming forward and being blunt...

would like to just use hypothetical type if thats ok, its just not easy to talk about..

Would just appreciate a little input..

Hello elevatedsoul: Well... the Skeezyks doesn't know for sure what your question is. But from the overall tone of your Thread, it sounds to me as though it involves suicide? The Skeezyks is in no position, here on PC, to be offering up any official rulings with regard to anything. But, from my personal perspective, I would say that, assuming suicide is the topic de jour here, you can certainly ask your question. (Please forgive me if I am off-base here.)

However, keep in mind that we are here on PsychCentral to help support one another, not to facilitate anyone's do-it-yourself exit attempts. If you are feeling suicidal please reach out, in real life, for the help you need. (I say this as a person who has made several pervious attempts of my own...)

Wazzzup?

nah im sorry... wasnt thinkin about the big S... i mean obviously thats a transient thought... to me atleast...nice sometimes... but not what i want ultimately...
super sorry that it might of sound like that...

im not so sure i can ask now..

i guess i just maybe was thinking about how you are supposed to tell a therapist or doctor something...?
if its something you dont wanna say or talk about and think they just reject you on it like everyone alsways does on everything...

i should know better than posting stuff.. always know tomorow im gonna be like wtf so its just stupid.. but i really would like to figure things out...
been trying to be honest more with them instead of filtering heavily.. still filtering...
but its because they dont know what to do with me now, if i open all the way the what they do with me..? lock me up.....? cant let that happen...

T is cool but this stuff not her specialty...dunno how to say stupid things that need to be said...

dunno how to commit words maybe kind of... "Say this!!!" trance space stars dot dot dot dot smoke clouds huh? wha? oh its over... ill tell you next time...


wish she could read my mind sometimes...

I think its worth the risk, even if the t rejects you. Because this is stuff you need - whatever it is it is your stuff, and its important to know if the t can work with you on it or not. If t can't it is better to know now than 3 years in. You need someone who can work with you on your stuff, wherever you are in your journey. If a t can't do that there is little they can do to help you.
And you probably need a trauma t... someone who is experienced and knowledgeable about trauma and dissociation. If you have a history of those things you need someone who knows their stuff. Your stuff. Someone who can help and guide you through it.

I have been to see a couple of ts in the last few years as I have some important t&d stuff I still need to work out. I asked them prior to beginning t with them about their knowledge and experience andboth ts said they knew a little and were wiling to learn. But it wasn't enough. I needed someone who knows their ^$4# about this stuff and can jump into the hard stuff straight away. Neither of them could do that with me, so once I realized that I didn't bother returning. No point.
My current t gave me a referral to a trauma t just a few days ago. I will be talking about t&d with her up front and will not waste my time with her if she isn't where I need her to be. I aint got no time to pussyfoot around.

So yeah, Jump into the hard stuff. If she cant do it that is good information for you. Trust me. You need someone who can walk the road with you.

i know she cant handle me ..
but i dont really know what to do in my situation because i dont have many options... maybe i could ask her if anyone else in the clinic is more well versed with complix situations like this.. but i have a super hard time speaking up and sayting things like that ....... i hate it but i cant help it, if i didnt try to do things the slowest slow of the slows ways that i could then i know what would happen... and trying to avoid havingbad reaction happen because i pushed and pushed and pushed and next thing i know i back tracked a few years and am just like whatta da fook..? i quit! not going there no more! kind of thing and i dont want to do that again... i know its a big bad problem and im trying really hard to stay focused...

i have had so much happen that its just crazy you know..? day.. after day... after day.... what will present it self in what way? im a little person but i have to be adult to watch for so many things, and i think to myself... dunno why i havent just stopped... why does it keep going.. but i dunno, its so crazy and its happening to me and i cant explain it or understand it and people look at me like im the one that has speech problems and cant explain simple things.... but the problem is its not simple at all!
but i guess thats how you develop in a disordered fashion... not only surviving some really messed up stuff as a little one that isnt supposed to know how to count, but having to deal with it the rest of your life..... opa....
i really wouldnt be alive today if i dint have amnesia.... just knowing that i know on some level without really knowing and remembering disturbs me on so many levels... but its so hard living with this kind of amnesia problem....
1 is no one understands... no one knows, no one can grasp how it is... oh hey i forget my keys all the time too, or oh man i forgot to take the trash out.. yeah no.. thats not how it is.... more like woah where am i.... whats my name? what am i doing sitting here... guess im smoking... what was i doing before ? i dont even know what to day is... is it the 19th? i dunno... guess it doesnt matter because it will be over in one more second anyway and ill ask the same question this next day... trash? what trash.. hehe... cant lose keys if you dont have any....

why am i rambling? stupid..
how do you tell T that things are bad, please understand things are bad, im here before you because i need you so bad and please help... i cant live like this.... but i wont remeber what you say so please print it out... and she is like, hmm oh man well i dont know everything about this stuff but im looking up as much information as i can and trying talk with people and do meetings to get an understanding to help you with- i love her, she is so sweet, but i need someone help save me...

there are a couple things i would like to tell my therapist but i dont like talkig to these people or doctors or anyone anymore about things in the way i do because they kept telling me and telling me and telling me over and over previously 2 years ago when i was going to this clinic that i stop playing doctor... all because i was trying to explain how i am not bipolar and i am not manic at all and that these medicines are super crazy and dont want to take them anymore.. but no they dont listen and i get treated like **** because im the crazy.... and clearly i cant know anything.....

my mind is really not ok.... and im trying hard because im scared if i cant get a grip soon im going to lose it... black out not just for an hour or something but for a long time and i dont think i could clean up what happens after that.... because its so dark and some things so evil inside and i dont want it out... if its not someone else hurt maybe i would hurt myself really bad and i dont want any of that to happen.. you know..? but you cant just tell people stuff, you cant just say hey this is this, becayse they will look at you and say you are too stupid and cant know all those big words and you just need to stop and listen to the doctor and dont question what he says because he is tyrant....

grrr... what more can i say... i fight and fight and fight, no one can see how hard it has been... dont think anyone cares how much i have accomplished... the amount of control i have stolen.... to try to fix things...

and then i have an event happen here... and i get so pushed back and cant do anything but try to stay away from people till i can regain some orientation... and no one will look at me, because they dont know what to do or say, so why not go isolate and stay alone...
when you start moving in slow motion and in a motion that looks like you are underwater who will stay by yourside and try to help...? no-one.... drowning, drowning.... but fighting..

i try to be honest with therapist... but i think she is scared of hurting me and making things worse because of the complexities.... something good sounding to her might be something that makes me look through the wall, or disapear and take a minute to respond without realizing time has passed, but its not badstuff... its just she doesnt know you know.... everything is bad to me...

why am i saying any of this... stupid...
sorry, i duno why i didnt just ask that stupid question the other day when i made this thread instead of disappearing and feeling like raelly just cant even say anything about it..

love you all... only thing im committing to is this treatment i guess... cant commit to saying anything, or whatever... although wish i knew how to

over and out... pdoc app / therapy next week... intersting stuff...
all good sorry about making a post and not even following through with what i wanted to ask/commit to... i just cant right now... maybe tomorow, or next day... or another day..

Transient: lasting only for a short time; impermanent. I would ask whether you have communication from this one maybe he/she decided not to share more. Ask if they are distinct then work on safety so that the diagnoser if that is what you need can go ahead and diagnose without anyone wanting to see more.

i'm trying hard to make things work, trying to do everything right and all..
but its really difficult because i just am confused i guess... i mean, i don't like talking about it because it just sounds unbelievable and it seems that no one can really believe what im saying or understand or whatever.. i always have to be careful with my words, but sometimes it just falls apart and alot of strange stuff comes out that only causes more confusion .. if i wasn't so shy/bashful then i wouldn't care and then i could just spit stuff out without really caring what other people think.. but i have tried to seem normal and ok for so long, for ever, that any kind of threat to that image is bad.. i want things to be ok, why is it so hard for that?

i don't know what the problem is, i guess no one really 'likes' to look crazy..
so im just trying to hold everything together but its getting really difficult, i get scared...

when you aren't sure what life is, because you cant piece things together, when you dont have memories that make sense or any type of coherent existence within.. when everything seems like a huge blended mess and maybe nothing is real because how could some life like this truly exist?
just doesn't seem logical... especially when people dont really understand you..
such loneliness, lost in a void :/
this void is sucking everything in like a blackhole, but then random different strange memories emerge - and disapear ..?

this suicide thought is pretty messed up because all i have ever wanted was to be happy and know what its like to be on the other side, instead of seeing people seeminlgy very happy with their life, want to be that person others can see happy.. so giving up and allowing something like the big s is just not a choice, cant let it happen you know!
but it can come over me and everything will be telling me and feeling like its just too much, too late, there is no point.. why suffer more and continue fighting a losing battle?
i hate wasting time, atleast wasting time doing something i dont want to do that is going to end up failing anyway you know?
but i know those thoughts are just part of the story and its not what i want at all!
but i get so many feelings and mixed up that i just dont really know what i really am feeling anymore and whats just intrusiveness
i kind of think maybe i dont even have any feelings and its all just a messed up version of purgatory

the one thing i want is the most elusive thing in the world
just want to find myself, be allowed to be happy, without making myself out to be a complete fool/failure... without everyone discovering that i cant remember anything about any of the stuff the did for me(the good ones..), dont want anyone to feel bad for me or to feel bad because i cant remember like it didnt matter to me.. because it did matter, i just dont know why i cant remember anything.. and i feel horrible about it all.. and if they find out i have this problem and that im just totally insane then they will know that a lot of bad stuff must of happened to me.. dont want to walk around with people looking at me more like that, they already look at me different, dont need it to be a gaze followed by multitude of questions and people asking me if i am ok everytime i turn around...
im just super tired of this experience... like a canyon being carved by elemental erosion over millennia, i am degrading and falling apart as well..



damn...

Yes, you are right...nobody wants to look crazy- but I do look crazy. Not only do I look crazy, I act crazy: only because we are by normal standards...not ours. Finally admitting it..I found relief.

After miles on the odometer...it eventually (not always...just moments of inspiration...) who gives a ****?

It seems peeps only care when they can get a laff...eff them.

So, you are you...embrace that and all the baggage that comes with it. Now fix it, promote it, cover it, put lip stick on it, what ever you do...just make it your best and keep rolling.

At least I think thats what I'm doing. And yes to the lipstick- it adds to my wig look!

thanks..
i mean, i know i am crazy, whatever crazy may be..
not so much 'crazy', but im so different i dont know of another word to use for it :/
but i really really dont like attention, the spotlight, or anything like that.. im a loner and want to sit over here in the dark corner without anyone turning the lights on you know

but i adore people... and i do like to socialize with them, its just that i haven't been able to keep things in order so well lately because i have realized how old i am and how im like not making any progress so to speak... i know im still young in some views, at 26/27 but... i cant really tell how old from the thought because im so separated from everything and have NO timeline to help me guess, so it feels so messed up... and for some reason i thought things would be different by now.. but they are not, and im running out of time because if it continues ill just keep waking up 1 day later 1 at a time and years will continue to disolve into nothing.. i wont be 26 next time, i'll be 36, then 66 .. and more if i live that long

the last thing i remember is things falling apart with my ex and that was like 5/6 years ago... i met her 10/11 years ago... but it does not feel like it at all and i have to becareful to not let it surface or else ill go through a repeat and deal with those stupid feelings again and again... she wont even talk to me anymore because it happened at the beginning of this year and when we talked i regressed or something and it was like the day she left...

so sometimes just feels like its better to isolate and lock myself in the room, its too dangerous to put myself around anything or anyone, to allow anything to happen because the consequences are so catastrophic - i hope she doesnt hate me... we were such good friends.. dunno why i had to screw it up... she was crazy too, i guess thats why i fell in love :/

but whatever

i just want to figure everything out once and for all and get everything fixed and worked out and blahblahblah... no more repeats please

and i want to do it before 10 more years dissolve and disappear into the void... want to be able to start remembering stuff and know what i've been doing and whats going on, to feel unified and whole or something... know what i mean? get myself out of this wack dream that im stuck in and let things start to feel real, what does it even feel like to feel real?
i dont have a bloody clue everytime i turn around and become aware of my surroundings im like this is so messed up, so fake, so stupid, so so so so everything wrong, why does the wall look like that? why cant i be convinced this desk is real? that these hands are physical and that im not in a crazy dream world that doesnt have a physical sense and is all just a mental matrix or something ?? i want out of the matrix for crying out loud
want to have someone hug me without everything going crazy, to actually feel good like people say hug is supposed to make you feel.. rather than feeling them stabbing you with a knife in the back and contaminating everything that my matriotic self is suposed to be

so many things that i want to feel, without having things go crazy and panic... but im trying really hard.. just have to learn to trust little by little i guess... first have to be convinced this therapist isn't going to treat me like the rest of them.. and hopefully the pdoc will listen unlike the previous...
because i trying to tell them this time that its important to becareful with me please because im not your average camper... and the wrong movement or response can really trigger a lot of upheaval... and if it happens as bad as it has before i'll run away and wont come back and i wont be able to get any help... i make myself do a lot of things that i dont want to do, but when i get that stuff happening inside i cant stop it and there isn't any talking it out or convincing involved... but now my medical record is probably tainted more with this last pdocs records saying bad things about me, probably wrote in the notes that im a liar and never took the medications or something and i never lied to him about anything and tried to do everything he said, but he just hated me or something.. or maybe because he wanted me to be bipolar so damn bad he was mad when the meds wouldnt work and when i didnt get better and everything... but good doc isn't suposed to be like that... oh well, good riddance, just trying to tell everyone that talks to me this time to warn everyone... and if they still trigger me and treat me like that, im scared ill black out and if a demon comes out they will totally think im psychotic or something... guess thats what you get for having so many demons and angels living together in one building
cooperate? how do you get them to do such a thing? seems impossible.. this side will literally just kill everything and then go over dose on alcohol and drugs and this other side will literally give everything away, clothes, air, teeth, hair, just to make someone else feel better .. dont think they know how bad it is ... but maybe it doesnt make sense because nothing seems real anyway...

but whatever, im trying to hold myself together... trying to focus on the 1 important thing, treatment, doctors are suposed to be here to help people like me, they go to school to help people... they wanna help people... i keep telling myself that, but i dont really think anyone can really help too much... but i also dont have any other choice-- just really exhausting trying and trying and feeling like no one can tell how hard you are trying, dont think anyone really cares... burdens... such a burden...

anyway :/
i ramble too much :/
i guess because i dont talk very much so when i do say some things, try to say 2-4 small words... thousands of words spill out, sorry about that

hmm, i dont need a wig though, my hair is pretty long already
been thinking alot about dying it green for like the past 6 years but i just dont have the money to afford to do it... would be really cool though ..
my hair is like past the 24' on this pic
all my female docs and case managers and stuff have always been jealous of my hair, just a shame that i cant find a nice girl to take care of it for me because its a pain to manage.. but i cant cut it or get rid of it, not sure why... i just cant.. the color is about the same too

Damn Enuff said...why don't you write books or novels with illustration? You do such an awesome job....I'd hate to see a waisted combined effort talent go unutilized.

You rock...I wish

maybe one day...

pdoc tomorow and im falling apart...
i'll sit down to talk to them again... and they wont listen or believe me or hear what im saying again... i just know that they aren't going to be able to help once again because they just dont understand or know whats happening..
i tried and tried and tried... but i feel like they just dont listen..
i can feel it coming already... i just know that by tomorow evening i'll be back full swing depressive mode... everything is going crazy, i just dont think i can handle this..
i want it to be over with so bad so tired of it all..
but it gets worse and worse and worse... and i keep pushing harder and harder...
im pshing too hard and there is nothing i can do... i dont see any solutions or see any way things can improve.. how can anything get better when the people that are suposed to be helping me dont even get it... when it seems like they dont even care....
how can i say anything when everything i have said before i have been told to stop, to let the doctor do their job, but look at what the doctors have done.. nothing but misdiagnose me and make it even harder for me... me tell you my symptoms? how can i tell you my symptoms when you keep telling me to stop playing doctor? because i try to explain .. how can you even have a clue what im feeling if i cant explain... so tired of this....

i dont know what to do... scared of being depressed like that... i dont want to be depressed like that anymore... please just go away

Elevated, I'm here to tell you that although subjective there are some things that you can compare from system to system. Now, whether it is too early since you said you can't explain it is fair enough it isn't all conscious yet to where someone gets out of way to explain..It isn't retrievable enough not free enough if that makes sense to you. I have a few blamers or justifers those guilty provoking, I guess I need to expose month/year created so they wont get me on the back end and vice versa

nvm..

it doesnt matter