[Kiya]

I have been having a lot of triggers and screen memories of things that I don't even know if they are real and happened. I had a time free of all that for a while and it was nice. But things started getting intense and I had a rupture with my therapist. I also saw a show that brought some triggers to life and I've been having them ever since, so probably a month. Last night was the worst where I had taken some cannabis oil to help with pain and then watched A movie that would likely be considered RA material for screen memories during abuse. I had several mini blackouts in a row and could not determine what was real and what was not. I was afraid to tell any of this to the emergency crew last night that came when I fell out of my doorway screaming for help. I thought I was having a stroke… Or perhaps a psychotic break. It turned out that I simply had too much of the cannabis oil and that along with the triggers from the movie set everything off. It's so frustrating to not have anyone I can talk to about these things. My therapist never believed them to begin with I think and now we have terminated.
And I got to the point where I didn't feel I could trust her anyway to tell her things without putting me inpatient. And I can't talk about this with friends because it triggers them and I don't have a provider.

hey Kiya

good to hear from you (it's been a while)

i'm sorry things arn't great for you

((((((hugs)))))

good you can post on here and talk about it though

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by Kiya

I have been having a lot of triggers and screen memories of things that I don't even know if they are real and happened. I had a time free of all that for a while and it was nice. But things started getting intense and I had a rupture with my therapist. I also saw a show that brought some triggers to life and I've been having them ever since, so probably a month. Last night was the worst where I had taken some cannabis oil to help with pain and then watched A movie that would likely be considered RA material for screen memories during abuse. I had several mini blackouts in a row and could not determine what was real and what was not. I was afraid to tell any of this to the emergency crew last night that came when I fell out of my doorway screaming for help. I thought I was having a stroke… Or perhaps a psychotic break. It turned out that I simply had too much of the cannabis oil and that along with the triggers from the movie set everything off. It's so frustrating to not have anyone I can talk to about these things. My therapist never believed them to begin with I think and now we have terminated.
And I got to the point where I didn't feel I could trust her anyway to tell her things without putting me inpatient. And I can't talk about this with friends because it triggers them and I don't have a provider.

My son was recently diagnosed Bi polar. He smoked some pot and had a psychotic episode. (his gf thought pot would be fun) and ended up in the hospital. He was in a psychotic state for two weeks. Than with the help of medication he was back. I googled bp and pot, and it turns out that the THC in pot can cause people with certain mental conditions, to have a psychotic break. He is back to how he has always been. It took two months in total and meds. He is still recovering from injuries he suffered while he was in a psychotic state of mind. Just an FYI, learned by my son the hard way.

[Herstory]

I am sorry you experienced RA. I have too. I have been reading here for some time but signed up today to say you're not alone.

Originally Posted by Kiya

I have been having a lot of triggers and screen memories of things that I don't even know if they are real and happened. I had a time free of all that for a while and it was nice. But things started getting intense and I had a rupture with my therapist. I also saw a show that brought some triggers to life and I've been having them ever since, so probably a month. Last night was the worst where I had taken some cannabis oil to help with pain and then watched A movie that would likely be considered RA material for screen memories during abuse. I had several mini blackouts in a row and could not determine what was real and what was not. I was afraid to tell any of this to the emergency crew last night that came when I fell out of my doorway screaming for help. I thought I was having a stroke… Or perhaps a psychotic break. It turned out that I simply had too much of the cannabis oil and that along with the triggers from the movie set everything off. It's so frustrating to not have anyone I can talk to about these things. My therapist never believed them to begin with I think and now we have terminated.
And I got to the point where I didn't feel I could trust her anyway to tell her things without putting me inpatient. And I can't talk about this with friends because it triggers them and I don't have a provider.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you are having a row of bad luck. It's great that you were doing fine for a spell, maybe things will subside back into a trigger free living? Hope hope!

My bipolar/DD doesn't mix well with THC- a wee bit of psychosis (seeing/hearing things, emptiness). For pain, I'd rather take an ibuprophen or let one of the guys take over- they barely feel pain or it's very numb to them. Hang in their hon.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Kiya )))))))))

[elevatedsoul]

ra = ritual a~ ?

im sorry you went through those things and then had to go through having a therapist like that as well.. have you tried looking for a replacement..?
need to get someone knowledgeable with these kind of things because i think in this world some people have a hard time believing things that actually happen in the "real" world..
even doctors..

sucks... to survive, and then have to survive, and then to have to survive... and to keep surviving... just because we become alien or outcasts of society...

[Luce]

Hiya Kiya. So sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. I agree with ES - sounds like you need a t who can deal. It's way too hard to work through that crap alone.
I am not sure of the extent of our RA type abuse yet. I know it wasn't typical RA stuff like you see in the US. But it was definitely 'R', definitely 'A', and definitely bad. We need to head into that territory atm and I'm currently trying to arm myself with the tools to do so, including finding a local t who can walk this walk with me.
Anyways.... you're not alone in this here. Take care out there, Kiya.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

My son was recently diagnosed Bi polar. He smoked some pot and had a psychotic episode. (his gf thought pot would be fun) and ended up in the hospital. He was in a psychotic state for two weeks. Than with the help of medication he was back. I googled bp and pot, and it turns out that the THC in pot can cause people with certain mental conditions, to have a psychotic break. He is back to how he has always been. It took two months in total and meds. He is still recovering from injuries he suffered while he was in a psychotic state of mind. Just an FYI, learned by my son the hard way.

Yes I have also read that thanks to my friend's son who ended up in the same position. I'm sorry to hear that your son had to go through that! I was thinking of that too while I was in the ER and how perhaps that had affected me in an adverse way.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Herstory

I am sorry you experienced RA. I have too. I have been reading here for some time but signed up today to say you're not alone.

Thank you, I appreciate it and I am sorry that you have also been through it.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hiya Kiya. So sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. I agree with ES - sounds like you need a t who can deal. It's way too hard to work through that crap alone.
I am not sure of the extent of our RA type abuse yet. I know it wasn't typical RA stuff like you see in the US. But it was definitely 'R', definitely 'A', and definitely bad. We need to head into that territory atm and I'm currently trying to arm myself with the tools to do so, including finding a local t who can walk this walk with me.
Anyways.... you're not alone in this here. Take care out there, Kiya.

Yeah, in that same strange boat of not really sure but having flashbacks of things that I can't say that they happened because they're different than the "typical " RA memories. And yet if I look at things through that lens, of course i see it so much more. I think that's what was happening with the movie I was watching. Even though the main trigger started sometime back in August. But finding a therapist who will even work with abuse yet alone chronic abuse or RA. I am once again in limbo for both meds and a therapist and I've already seen I think 19 therapists in the city? And I've called something like 36 therapists to see if they would take me. All in the last 2 1/2 years. It's a definite frustration. Anyway wishing you all the best in this as well.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Yeah, in that same strange boat of not really sure but having flashbacks of things that I can't say that they happened because they're different than the "typical " RA memories. And yet if I look at things through that lens, of course i see it so much more. I think that's what was happening with the movie I was watching. Even though the main trigger started sometime back in August. But finding a therapist who will even work with abuse yet alone chronic abuse or RA. I am once again in limbo for both meds and a therapist and I've already seen I think 19 therapists in the city? And I've called something like 36 therapists to see if they would take me. All in the last 2 1/2 years. It's a definite frustration. Anyway wishing you all the best in this as well.

Ugh, it is so very hard to find a t who can work with this. I met with a possible new t two days ago, but when I brought up the topic of dissociative disorders she repeatedly called it 'disassociation'. Which tells me pretty clearly she doesn't know trauma theory as much as her title of 'trauma therapist' implies she does.
I guess I don't understand why more Ts don't understand about this stuff. I struggle to believe that my experience is that 'rare'. Surely there are plenty of other people out there who experienced developmental trauma and have a dissociative disorder as a result?
These days I am pretty much giving myself therapy (I know what needs to be done) and just need someone else to be there to bear witness and to support. But I need someone who can tolerate hearing what I need to share, and knows enough about dissociation and severe trauma to respect my process.

One thing I have learned and am doing differently this time round is to not question anything that comes up. In the end it doesn't matter if what my alters have to share is actually truth or not. It is their perspective, their experience, their reality and what they need to share. This has made all the difference to our progress... things are beginning to heal instead of be stuck in a stalemate of some parts having their reality denied by others. I am finding what matters most is internal connection, compassion and care. Their experience is what it is, and me questioning it, doubting it, disbelieving it doesn't help any of me at all. We will never know the actual truth of what happened, but us doubting and denying ourselves just serves to keep us dissociated and vulnerable. I don't know if it is an option for you to try that or not with your own current situation. But it has definitely helped us a ton.

[elevatedsoul]

You're awesome Luce, I always love your comments.. you're awesome too Kiya, keep fighting for you, you are worth it!

My t wants to do memory work too but I know better..

Would love to have some one close to me during these times!es...

[Luce]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

My t wants to do memory work too but I know better..

Would love to have some one close to me during these times!es...

That is some wise insight there, ES. I reckon it is so important to have adequate support in place before diving into memory work. It sure as heck ain't pleasant in there...

We did memory work in therapy a long, long time ago, and it was torturous. Looking back I don't think we had enough system stability to deal with it effectively. We were a reactive mess. We feel stronger and more stable now, but I know it is still going to be extremely hard at times.
I absolutely trust that we will survive it though (even if others in me don't!). It's okay though. I got this.

[Kiya]

Luce,
That makes a lot of sense. I am at Coorganizer of a DID (non-therapy) group and we often talk about how we would create our own therapy that would work. Unfortunately none of us seem to be able to stick with it when we all have so many alters but it sure does have merit. I agree with you about the alters perceptions and experiences of the abuse. And finding someone who will hear it and not freak out – that is key.
I find that I feel silly when trying to explain these things to people because I can read their body language and see the disbelief in their eyes. Perhaps going in to it with exactly what you said would help, just to say I don't need you to fix this I just need you to listen and suspend your disbelief. And then we can heal ourselves.
In fact, talking to one of my specialists are doctors about a abusive interject self helped me understand more about who that individual actually is even though it was terribly embarrassing for me to Diebold the information and now have it be part of my record. Perhaps now that I know more I can work with that altar.
Thanks for your post!

[elevatedsoul]

im not sure what my T does, i just see her because shes the one the clinic assigned to me and only person i can see since i dont have inssurance

i know she doesnt like to talk diagnosis, like all the other people i talked to in the clinic over the years, but she atleast has told me at some point that i am dissociative and possible borderline or something... i mentioned a couple things to her and she said maybe, maybe not, but she just isn't really the kind that is going to be able to stick with me for a long time on this stuff i think because she's jst not payed to do this kind of work..

sucks because i do like her and she's nice enough and kind of fun to see, she's cute so thats a plus
but my world can be destroyed completely if she isnt able to handle me and i trust her with things so just best play it safe right - i told her a couple things about religion and stuff but didnt go into details as usual .. i never go into details with anyone on anything!

just have to do what we can do and try to keep moving forward, all must work out before its over with... have to believe...

[Kiya]

It's such a hard line to walk- trust or safety (via silence or no details). I finally put everything on the line... and was put inpatient. She couldn't work with it. Course the hospital won't either. "Stability is the goal". So I'm back to square one, wishing I hadn't told. I guess I would have never known if I didn't try it... Now that I will be starting over for literally the umpteenth time I am swaying toward bare minimum. I think, like Luce, I've got to find what works for me- be my own therapist. Except my brain keeps "shutting off" and zoning out or reading until I forget.
And now, I too will be with who ever I get assigned to (and for how ever long they stay).

[elevatedsoul]

yeah
i went inpatient once but that was a mistake.. was told they would be able to help and watch to see my symptoms but what a joke
they just increased all meds and added 3-4 more and sent me home after i made everyone believe the world was great!
doped up and even more confused, im never going back inpatient unless they take me in chains

but like you said now we know whats up with the hospital..

my brain isn't working very well either.. but definitely have to be the overseer of treatment for ourselves because it gets messy when things get complex

hang in there
helps a little having some other people that can sort of "get it"
we're here to try to support as much as we can even though i am in a messed up place myself as well