sad

im so sad...
im so lonely...
it makes me mad...
that im so phony...
just want to be glad
and not so lonely...

dont think someone could care for me...
if i run from myself... how someone could stand by me...
i jst want to hold... be held... hold me... dont let me go never please...

im so sad... it hurts... im so broken... it hurts... and nothing works...
i know someone hold me will not fix it... but dont want to be alone with pain anymore....
but am scared that i will for ever be alone... makes me cry...
i could be so nice to someone if someone could be nice to me...

I hear your heart. There is a part of me there too. This is where I find my strength. I hope it encourages you. You are not alone.

I feel bad that you are so sad and alone. I have a habit of isolating, but that leads to me being alone. I encourage myself to try to do things that I enjoy where other people will also be participating. Taking my dog to the dog park, going to a street fair, things like that. I don't have to talk to people but if I want to I can. No pressure. I hope you move through this sadness and start to feel better

I hear you too. It is a very painful place to be. I don't how it is for you, but similar feelings for me were multi layered... there were feelings about being alone in pain (child like), feelings about being socially rejected (never begin good enough or fitting in to any sort of social setting) and feelings about not being 'good enough' for a relationship. I wonder if the things you have been posting about recently have triggered up all these feelings for you now? I know these kinds of feelings can be triggered up by pretty much anything tho, when you've lived a life bereft of supportive relationships.

Hang in there ES. Now, while painful, is not forever.

thanks

ill have to listen to the youtube later tonight when data is unrestricted since my internet sucks and im on throttled speeds, but music is huge to me as im supposed to be sort of a musician

i like to isolate as well, im not sure why... because i dont like to isolate as well..
maybe it gives me some time to unwind and let stuff settle.. i haven't been able to isolate for some weeks now i think? so much happening and going on... cramming so much to try to make dr appointments and handle so many things... being surrounded by people as well.. which isn't a bad thing, to be around others, but it causes me to be weird..

im just struggling i guess because everything is confusing, having a blank memory.. holes.. no time... days/weeks/ months/ years dissolving into the void.. and realizing these things over and over because the memory doesnt want to or something..
like not remembering writing the things i write here, not remembering what i said to someone 5 seconds ago face to face, not remembering what im supposed to do, not remembering - blah .. big part of me thinks that im just dieing and even though some part wants to die i really would like to be happy before that happens

its confusing because i dont know who i am, what i am even.. because here i go, smiling, joking, laughing, talking to others in a world where nothing is wrong and i am strong.. but walking along myside in great despair... not even glancing at each other but knowing its there and scared and uncertain of what to do to make anything better - scared to do anything because i dont want to make it worse by causing problems outside life or inside me..

multi layered is a nice enough way to put it, to feel this layer but having a tectonic plates underneath rubbing against it causing earth quakes and disruptions in what should be smooth sailing...

i can feel it, i can feel many things... but i am not sure how to put it into words because it makes me feel so dizzy and disorientated that my words elude me... to describe happiness and sadness with a single sentence?
to smile and frown crying with tears of joy and despair concurrently... looking inward with a confused boys face trying to understand, what is happening?

i have always been alone, but never alone... always lonely... totally surrounded...

i have never had a real friend... never had a real relationship... even the relationship with my family, brothers and sisters, parents, uncles and aunts, is not real...
but it must be real on some level, as real as i can make it... but its not..

i just have this deep longing to be understood, to understand, and to be happy.. at ease.. to rest finally... and stop fighting..
a longing to have someone hold my arm and walk with me through the scary forest of uncertainty, because i dont want to be alone anymore and want to feel loved... to feel trust... to feel needed... to feel - simply feel

but im not so sure it really is possible to have such a deep relationship with someone..
im a good guy, nice, kind, caring, and sweet and everything... everyone tells me that im not ugly, that i am actually good looking... but i cant believe anyone outside of me as i cant even believe the inside of me - know what i mean..?

i feel like a monster, an ugly reject ... but i have always tried to make up for it by being an intellectual... but maybe thats what makes me feel like a monster the intellectualized idealization of my inner creations of survival... what a way to live

in the void, am i even real? or any of this?

bad thing happening..
oct. 3 someone being released from prison..

the pressure ensues

the dreams wont let up, i wish the torment could be over... but its not by a long shot even at 27 years old...

that is a nice song Trailrunner14 ...
sadly i lost my faith when i was 12 or 13 years old...

i feel forgotten, lost, abandoned... fallen angel... rejected...
feel like i am alone on this planet and god doesnt want anything to do with me..

for so long... i tried... i think they hate me..
dunno why im to be forgotten when i have always tried to do everything right

((( hug )))

My mind has been on your reply and have wanted to reply back, but was waiting until the words came.

You are loved! In no way do I want this to come across as me trying to "save" you or anything along those lines. That is not for me to do. I would like to share with you my experience.

I was raised in a home with an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who "took" my brother and me to church every time the doors were open. My mother is a "Bible
Quoting Southern Baptist" and I feel like she was obediently doing her duty, to make sure she took her kids to church. I was a good girl and learned the rules of being a good church girl.

None of that made any sense to me with the chaos going on at home and the big pink elephant in the middle of the living room, that everybody silently walked around and pretended wasn't there. It was a form of horrible brainwashing, that I would grow up in the environment I did and think it was how it was supposed to be. A part of me knew it was so screwed up, but who was I to have an opinion or voice? That would surely be labeled as defiance.

That was then. That was when the coping mechanisms were created and my life seems like a blur, up until about 3 years ago. I was in a very emotionally strained point with my husband and really questioning how I was going to continue being the person I was. I was very distraught and numb at the same time. I went to bed that night and, in all honesty, asked God to help me. I could not keep going down the road I was.

I had a dream that night. I was standing beside a road, out in the middle of nowhere. It was very dark and I felt alone and scared, no idea where I was. I looked across the road and someone was walking toward me. He was beautiful! I could see that before he ever got close. I cannot describe the beauty that I saw. His eyes were a blue that I have never seen before and there was such compassion, peace, safety and love in them. I felt so safe! He had on jeans and a white button up shirt. Everything about him was peaceful and safe. He walked right up to me, and took my hand and kissed me. It was nothing about the kiss that was sexual or anything to do with that. I was pure love and peace.

He looked at me and smiled and walked me across the road, to the other side. That's when I woke up. There was still such a feeling of peace. I wanted to go back!!

Shortly after that, I started meeting with my counselor and sorting out all of the "mess" I grew up in and the choices I made down the road with my wounded mind and heart.

I wanted to share that with you Elevated Soul, to tell you that you ARE loved. I have never felt love and peace like I felt when he met me there.

Did it solve all my problems and make my world "rainbows and butterflies"? No. It did not. What it did was give me the courage and strength to go back and see truth where there were lies and ugliness. It also gives me courage that I am not alone and I am loved. When I feel that now with people in my life not wanting to hear me talk about what I'm working through, my mind goes back to the dream. It helps remind me that he is there. Step by step it's giving me beauty for ashes.

I pray the he meets you in your place, if that is a desire you find. I also hope it was ok to share this with you.

((( another hug )))

ES, do you want to share more about Oct 3rd? You can if you need to. If you want to. I can see it's really distressing for you. And if it is better for you NOT to share, then do that instead. Guess I am just saying that its okay if you want to.