[L.P.]

hi everybody.

i feel weird today and i felt weird yestersay to. i think i know how come but it dont make me feel better.

me and veda the lady who been doin lots the host stuff me and her real co con lots of the time. sometimes itsreal hard to know if im me or her or she me or what. she say it co present. sometimes that make her feel weird but she dont make me feel real weird.

last night somebody else was there. and then i didnt know if it was me there to or i was watchin her or veda was watchin n i feel it to cuz veda was or what was happenin. i know it was harmony this other lady inside but i never felt like that with harmony before. it was new. it made me feel bleh.

today i dont know if im me or what. it feel like i still got harmony leftovers. i think im me cuz i gotta be cuz im here. maybe. veda been feel funny today to. maybe i feelin her. now i understand how come feelin me co present make veda feel weird cuz harmony doin it to me now.

i got lots to think about cuz of this. buut its hard to think right now.

anybody else ever feel this way? like you dont know if you only you or somebody else or maybe somebody else to? this is confusing. one time i feel like me to then im diffrent then im me. im switchy today maybe to. im confused.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

hi everybody.

i feel weird today and i felt weird yestersay to. i think i know how come but it dont make me feel better.

me and veda the lady who been doin lots the host stuff me and her real co con lots of the time. sometimes itsreal hard to know if im me or her or she me or what. she say it co present. sometimes that make her feel weird but she dont make me feel real weird.

last night somebody else was there. and then i didnt know if it was me there to or i was watchin her or veda was watchin n i feel it to cuz veda was or what was happenin. i know it was harmony this other lady inside but i never felt like that with harmony before. it was new. it made me feel bleh.

today i dont know if im me or what. it feel like i still got harmony leftovers. i think im me cuz i gotta be cuz im here. maybe. veda been feel funny today to. maybe i feelin her. now i understand how come feelin me co present make veda feel weird cuz harmony doin it to me now.

i got lots to think about cuz of this. buut its hard to think right now.

anybody else ever feel this way? like you dont know if you only you or somebody else or maybe somebody else to? this is confusing. one time i feel like me to then im diffrent then im me. im switchy today maybe to. im confused.

a thought here... with dissociation reality remains intact.. that means one knows whats real and what isnt, and what belongs to one alter and all that kinds of stuff...

try some reality testing. ask the other alter if what is going on is part of their sense of agency. touch something near you. if you can touch it, its real.

another thought.... when I felt the way you did I thought it was being co conscious. but then my treatment provider explained something to me...

even in co conscious state of mind reality remains intact.. alters can feel and know what each other is doing, saying, feeling and remembering but they know which is which, what is part of one vs belonging to the other.

then she explained integration as it pertains to alters coming together to form one whole person again.. everything gets mingled together kind of like taking a cold glass of water and a hot glass of water. before integration they are their own sense of agency and items. but then when you pour the two glasses of water together they become one whole glass of warm\room temperature water. you cant tell which part of the water belonged to the cold water and which belonged to the hot water because they have become one whole glass of water. I was going through that process where alters were merging together to become one whole person again. the first step to no longer being DID. this was a great thing and showed amazing progress and healing.

suggestion it may be that you and the others are now integrating/ becoming one whole person again, in short no longer being DID soon. your treatment provider can explain to you whether this is whats happening to you all and what you can do that will help you not feel so confused.

[elevatedsoul]

i dont know who i am..
or what i am..

can't say i know exactly how you are feeling either..
i don't really know much it seems, but i do know what confusion feels like
that is one thing that i am and know i am, confused

Confusion (from Latin confusĭo, -ōnis, from confundere: "to pour together;" "to mingle together;" "to confuse") is the state of being bewildered or unclear in one’s mind about something.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confusion

i just try to walk along slowly through the purple forest, things are strange in this world.. but here to learn about and understand... just cant give up and must keep moving forward slowly

but as far as i know i have some disease like anemia or brain injury..

do you read?
i find articles like this one interesting..
Dissociation and Psychosis | Brain Blogger

one thing i try to remember is "if you think you are going crazy, you're not"
pretty much in a nutshell to my understanding ...

do you journal?

[finding_my_way]

i was just thinking about this actually. i used to think i experienced co-consciousness, and i guess sometimes it is that, but it's often more co-presence.

when that happens, other parts (sometimes more than one) are closer to the surface, just behind me, or actually in the same space/mix with me. i do not think that they always know that is happening as they don't really talk to me or anything. i can feel them, their feelings, etc. and sometimes am able to figure out 'why' they are there (like from being triggered sometimes), but i also don't know all the time what is them and what is me feeling or thought wise.

it can be really confusing. i know it's not a type of integration in my case because it never stays like that. they go back inside/further away from me. sometimes, i am barely here or there are other weird things that happen like such severe dissociation i get very dizzy and disoriented and can barely see/keep track of things and tend to forget a lot about the time after a few hours or days.

my psychiatrist did say it is 'better' to have that type of thing than complete time loss (i wouldn't always agree just because sometimes what i feel from some of them is so difficult). IF integration is ever a goal though, having that can make it easier in the long run compared to not knowing what the others are doing.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

That is a really helpful way to explain it Amanda, Thanx
Tho for me it seems to be mixing very slowly like drips from a leaky faucet? Maybe... Some memories and aspects have merged over time but fully no. BC there are somethings, times,and memories that now are shared, but then there is still separation. Some parts have not merged,and all complete autonomy. And others to varying degrees...so I hold some of their memories and they mine as well but there are still times when they act on own and I am unaware, other than outsides accounts or items/writings left behind. So do we become less autonomous then? But cling onto fading images of "selves"?

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Also, the more stressful overall that life becomes...I have in the past and still tho to a lesser extent (I think??), have reverted back to complete autonomy. Unaware, each fully own sense of agency..tho the memories that have inteegrated.. I am no longer aware that they are shared. They become as 100% my own..until, something drastic enough occurs that I seem to have to relearn..that I have DID and come back to terms like it's the first time again that the other parts actually exist! Tho not all other parts apparently go thru this same repeating cycle of denial (?) and shock...Why am I such a,mess??

[Luce]

LP, we often experience that kind of stuff too. Like another internal one is there with you, and its hard to figure out what is what. The opposite is weird too - when another one that you usually have coconsciousness with retreats and disappears for a while... and you suddenly feel very, very alone!

LITW, our coconsciousness comes and goes too. For several years I would have even said that I had integrated with a bunch of front alters. Recent events proved that wrong, though, and we have separated again, with some now in a lesser state of coconsciousness and some behind walls again. We have also experienced 'being dissociated from our multiplicity' several times, for long periods of time. It is like being in a horror movie to 'wake up' again only to see we are still in the same situation.
My theory is it has to do with stress, like you said, and a lack of external safety.

In therapy situations I often experience interference from internal ones that have not fully taken over but instead exert great influence over me. Sometimes I experience this as 'thought insertion' or 'thought deletion' - both schneiderian first rank symptoms but dissociation related rather than psychosis related.

AL, I know you've said before that reality testing remains intact in DID, but I am still confused by that and am not sure what you mean. My own experience is that reality testing doesn't always remain intact at all, yet I know I am not in any way psychotic. What I mean is that some child alters believe they are children and some are emotionally stuck in abuse scenarios. Some parts believe they are male (obviously they are not). A couple believe they are animals (obviously not true either!) Does that mean their (my?) reality testing is not intact?

[elevatedsoul]

I should not ..

To lose touch with reality........
Anyone to experience what we do.....
Would question sanity....
Does it take a so-so dr to tell us we having psychotic break....?
Is it an easy thing to examine...?
Is it easy to experience derealization .,,...
To sit n a fog for years n not know what's happened....

This is why I don't like to talk, you say something and you are automatically psychotic

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Luce

AL, I know you've said before that reality testing remains intact in DID, but I am still confused by that and am not sure what you mean. My own experience is that reality testing doesn't always remain intact at all, yet I know I am not in any way psychotic. What I mean is that some child alters believe they are children and some are emotionally stuck in abuse scenarios. Some parts believe they are male (obviously they are not). A couple believe they are animals (obviously not true either!) Does that mean their (my?) reality testing is not intact?

no that doesnt mean their reality testing isnt intact. whether alters are male or female or animalistic thats part of their sense of agency (who and what they are, how much control they have, what their job, purpose, reason for being is and other things)

I don't know....I only feel bleh when I try to invade an Others essense to "feel" them. Sometimes I've noticed (or the guys do) that like I Susie has been out awhile, then when they take over, my ways linger on with them ...like imprinted or something...IDK....and they got to shake it off to assume total control.

Being co-present is much a very seperated thing, but conscious control can switch back and forth between us...or not.

But blending and feeling each others essence....that's a whole new thing to me...and yes it would make me feel sick, too...I can imagine. Just even thinking about it is driving my anxiety levels up.

Maybe you are integrating? Good luck!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Luce, Thanx Good to know I'm not the only one who goes thru this!

ES, It is possible to be having a psychotic break due to a different disorder and still have DID..but idk if all would be effected by the psychosis or just one part?:/...not something I have personally experienced... but I do get what u r saying bout not feeling comfortable talking about all ur parts. I have a T that I have been working w/ for over 6mnths now and like Luce said parts will be in background w/ thought insertion and such....but this T doesn't understand why we have dx DID cuz no other parts will come forward...and I think they don't trust her, even tho I do, cuz she keeps talking to me about working w/my Pdoc on starting AP treatment..and NONE of us wants to do that!

Amanda, I think I understand why you are saying re: reality testing...Not "altered reality" as in psychotic symptoms, but testing whether or not different parts individual realities are intact..correct?

AC2,
I get that kinda lingering feeling sometimes too...like a bit of overlap..but not quite, more I guess like a shadow or whispering wind of whoever was out before me at times...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

Amanda, I think I understand why you are saying re: reality testing...Not "altered reality" as in psychotic symptoms, but testing whether or not different parts individual realities are intact..correct?

yes lost in the woods you got it, thats correct

[elevatedsoul]

i dont make much sense sometimes, i mean well but i guess i dont know how to put things into words alot of times

i've never really had any psychosis... one time i was awake for 4 days or so on speed and i think thats the closest i ever experienced to having psychotic like stuff... wasn't hallucinating but i was so tired and wanted to sleep but having a panic state and panic attacks while trying to fall asleep because i thought i was gonna die if i fell asleep...
very scary feeling ...

but maybe i do have psychosis and it just confuses me and not able to understand or come to terms with it..?
i dont hallucinate though or really have any delusions or paranoia outside of the normal phobic type..

but my reality is really twisted, stuck in a dream... atleast it doesn't seem real and everything is a bad scripted movie while i get front row seats to watch from the perspective of a confused boy of a scary world

i never used speed or other drugs very much btw it was just a thing that happened... haven't touched it since...

but i don't much like trying to explain anymore because its just my reality and my reality is not normal... that much i have learned.. i also suck at trying to put things into words for the most part

and my entire life i have been told im normal, what i feel and think and see is normal, im just normal and nothing is wrong, this is how it is for everyone, and all of that.. so have to discover the truth, come to terms with it, and try to make it work

i just get a bit frustrated from it because i feel like i know its not psychosis but at the same time i cant say that its not and its just annoying because i feel like no one can understand... the therapist keeps telling me "you're not alone, i have alot of other clients with the same symptoms" and it makes me feel a little better but i just feel like maybe she's just saying that

the antipsychotics and meds they had me on before didnt help at all either though so i was just thinking if it was psychosis it would of cleared up grr

its just very confusing when you have no time! constantly finding yourself here and there and just like what the hell am i doing? where am i going? i guess you get used to it and then when you start discovering things you start to see how out of place you are and its like woah... many mixed feelings about the lies and manipulation inside of myself

i wish i could figure it all out ... just have to work on things carefully so we dont make it worse i guess
love yas

[elevatedsoul]

sigh i hate it when talking about psychosis, not sure why i write some things i do..
guess i just need someone to talk to as well, but if people knew my story they would think that i would have to be insane.. and im pretty sure i probably am..
but i just wanted to say that im not a bad person..

keep strong.. sorry to derail a thread..
i didnt mean to-

i think co-con would be cool, maybe we should try to do that more .. better than not knowing :hearts

[L.P.]

I wanna say words to everybody here but you all bein so nice and say lots here and i dont know howta say everything back. Im not usta so many people seein me. Im overwhelmed but thats good cuz its overwhelmed by nice. Im gonna try to respond lots but it maybe gonna take me time ok

Somebody inside thinkin harmony come around to 'play the gettin to know you game'. Thats what she say abut that. She guessin but it make sense to me. Harmony make somebody inside scared before cuz she think way to best know somebody is to feel them and let them feel you. I dont understand harmony and shes kinda scary to me but me and her real diff. She not mean or nothin and i think she likes me but me and her not alike.

We got mesh ups inside. Ones that usta be two dif ones but now they just one new onee. Sometimes we call them twofers i know them twofers get copresent alot before they go and mesh up. but we got other ones like me who always since back when we was real for real kids always been super close up wtih oother ones so its more normal to us and kinda scary when we all alone to. and lots of us aint twofers and lots of us dont wanna be. Most of us got somee co con at least with some other ones. Thats normal for us. For me. Id be real scared if i had no con and even no copresent. I dont like bein alone from the ones inside.

[L.P.]

Veda typing here..

Confusion (from Latin confusĭo, -ōnis, from confundere: "to pour together;" "to mingle together;" "to confuse") is the state of being bewildered or unclear in one’s mind about something.

^ That. Oh that made my afternoon. To say that I relate is an understatement.

Pardon me now while I post jump and try to be coherent at the same time...

but my reality is really twisted, stuck in a dream... atleast it doesn't seem real and everything is a bad scripted movie while i get front row seats to watch from the perspective of a confused boy of a scary world

^ Those words could have been written by (at least) two members of the previous group of 'us' who were largely responsible for life. They would also describe their film watching experience as one where someone took their life reel, chopped it up, tossed out some segments, then taped it back together in a haphazard non-linear way and hit the play button and had the ability to mess up the speed.

its just very confusing when you have no time! constantly finding yourself here and there and just like what the hell am i doing? where am i going? i guess you get used to it and then when you start discovering things you start to see how out of place you are and its like woah... many mixed feelings about the lies and manipulation inside of myself

^ A few months ago I lost some time, made my way to the kitchen to get a sandwich and half of my kitchen was painted red. Now and then I say, "Psychosis does not paint my kitchen red; Charlotte does." Granted, not all things are so easy to discern. That's one of my little ways to try to keep myself reminded that even though a thing in my life seems surreal, it does not make it so. Reality is often bizarre beyond compare. I wish internal matters would suddenly be coated in paint so they would be as easy to discern.

Or maybe not. Somethings can stay clear/invisible to me as far as I am concerned. Knowing too much is not always on top of my list of priorities. We are a segregated system and secrets and lies are things we are good at. It kept us flying under the radar for years and for awhile there, that was of the utmost importance to us. It is challenging when priorities change and things that once kept us moving forward now knock all ways except straight ahead.

keep strong.. sorry to derail a thread..
i didnt mean to-

It is not my belief that you did. I found your words to be relevant. I am a person who has been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia as a child. I have also been given the dx of psychosis nos. I disagree with it as my one psychotic episode was med induced. These things impact me as a person though. They add mud to the already murky puddle of my damn brain. It's hard enough for me to gauge what is reality and what is not reality. I don't need mental health professionals making it worse. The ones who have given me these diagnosis' never fully listened to me/us either. They listened to catch words they could glom onto and then they would tune out and hand me a script for things that medication would not fix.

Sorry if that sounded bitter and jaded. I know it is... I have a bone to pick with a few psych docs is all... I should probably work on that at some point.

I hope some of that made sense... or that I was not completely off base and roaming around somewhere in the outfield...

-V

[L.P.]

-V again...

I am thinking now of lingering feelings.

We have had that happen over the years with several of us. On a personal level, Amsterdam leaves the most residual feel for me. It goes beyond emotional aspects and attitudes, it makes me feel legitimately broader, taller. I assume he feels larger than I feel. He impacts my appetite, my speech, myself. Sporadic is not quite the right word, though I do notice that I will sometimes, out of nowhere think, feel or say something that is related to him, but not him... it's just me feeling leftovers. It is more like in fading waves of him until the waters are calm? He fades the longer he is gone. Yes. I relate much to lingering feeling of others. It often makes me uncomfortable. I am appreciative to know how he feels and for the chance to better understand him on a more personal level, but yeesh... I am not built for emotion the same way he is. As with L.P. and Harmony I think the greater the difference between the individuals experiencing, the greater the discomfort seems to be... at least for myself it is so far accurate. It seems sound enough logic anyway. It is odd perspective on another, isn't it?

-V

[elevatedsoul]

thanks you all, i dont know where i would be at if it wasn't for psychcentral...

just want to add a TRIGGER warning just incase anything i said is triggering to some..


i think i first joined because i was trying to learn about bipolar and trying to relate my experience to other members that actually have bipolar... because the old pdoc dx me with bipolar I...
i never agreed with it and always felt like it was wrong... i would try to talk to others in the bipolar section and i just never felt like i belonged, couldnt relate with them, and just made me feel more messed up because i was like how can i get better if i cant even recognize my own bipolar symptoms..?

a few years into treatment and the doctor and my case manager drilling to me that i indeed was bipolar and that i was just manic (manic for 3 years? on moodstabilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiolytics, and even some others like proponalol.. cmon...)
they convinced me to go into the hospital where i was for 9 days and they just made it worse... even though the staff was nice to me and most of the other people there were nice, just 1 guy came in having a bad psychotic moment i guess and reminded me exactly and very much of my psychopathic psychotic half brother that tried to kill us for our entire lifes.. my whole famile.. so it totally freaked me out and just wasnt cool...

they werent trying to drill a dx on me in the hospital but they just kept increasing meds and even though i broke down crying when they finally interviewed me telling them stuff they just told me "you just need to move out from your dads, get a job, get a car and a license, a place of your own" ect ect, pretty much blatantly telling me that i just needed to get a life like i am just choosing to be like this...
i guess because the doc told them all that i was bipolar and could stabilize and be fine if i just took meds...
which i had been on many meds for a couple years and kept telling the pdoc that they werent helping and things were not getting better, anxiety still bad, depression bad, substance use was down (and still is) but the pdoc just kept saying things like "you are doing fine, the meds are helping" and not listening to anything i had to say... they would keep telling me stupid things like "stop playing doctor" when all i was doing was trying to read up on stuff because they wouldnt listen to what i was trying to say so i would go in and TRY my best to explain and they just didnt care... because apparently i was just manic or something according to them...
they probably didnt believe that i was taking the meds, the pdoc even put in my notes that i was non-compliant... when i DID take all those stupid meds and went through all the stupid side effects just to try to prove to him that they were not working and not helping but i would have been better off NOT taking the meds because he said i was non-compliant anyway.... traumatic experience with pdoc... traumatic experience with hospital...

i left the clinic for like 6 months and thought i could manage without medication and ended up becoming very very suicidal and depressed... but something has shifted inside me since january/end of last year that has now taking a priority charge to recover and work on treatment... its like this is all i do, its my responsibility, its my priority! i must find happiness... must figure out whats wrong and how to make it better...
but its so different from how i used to feel, but then again i dont remember how i used to feel... besides knowing that i used to have panic attacks like everyday and severe anxiety / social phobia...
now im like in a bubble or something and im just trying to work with these new people with a new pdoc and they seem to be listening to me... im not sure what im doing different as i dont remember what i told the last pdoc and everyone else at the clinic before...
cant remember the hospital stay very well besides bits and pieces.. and having a lot of trouble remembering what im telling them now, therapy is weird because i go in and i know i was there before but i just dunno what i've said or what she's told me besides a few key things... and its just weird..

this clinic im going to isn't really focused on diagnosing me since im complex i guess... they are more focused on stabilization and getting me situated in society so i can have a somewhat happy life at some point... but i would really like a diagnosis so i can finally rest since its all i can do is try to figure things out, i feel like i know whats wrong but how can i say "THATS IT!!!" when doctors and people around me have told me that i cant possibly know whats wrong and that im not a doctor and that i dont know whats happening to me and i dont know what my symptoms are or what im going through... the last pdoc messed it all up... now im trying to fix it i guess...

sometimes i think to myself "i wish it was psychosis so i could just take some of those antipsychotics i have to make it go away"
but then i think to myself " i dont want to be psychotic either... i just want to be happy..."

im rambling, sorry
i just wanted to say that i dunno whats wrong with me, i believe i am severely fragmented atleast.. but i dont want anyone thinking that im making things up or trying to pretend like i have D.I.D. because i dunno what the heck is wrong with me... im 26 years old and just trying to figure life out from a severely traumatized view point

i did want to ask something though, something i did to myself one time... ever since then it was kind of like "maybe i do have D.I.D."
i was trying to explain something to my mom... i cant remember exactly what... something about how "I" and my "BRAIN" have to try to get along because we have many contradictions about what i want to do and stuff... but when i said "WE just try to get along" i felt a shock go through my entire body like cold water being poured over me, like i got someones attention..?
im sure that can happen to anyone... but i was just wondering if anyone else has felt that before..? i talk to myself all the time but i dont really pay much attention to it or what im saying or the conversations... i guess when i consciously said those words it was like being heard for the first time or something... that probably sounds silly..

im sorry if my posts get confusing, it can be difficult to think clearly...
the psychologist back in january diagnosed me with ADHD and this new pdoc im seeing says she specializes in ADHD and she said she thinks i have it too so maybe i just have a really sucky attention span...

its just weird experiencing these things... yesterday was a bad day... and i've been stressed out majorly because i have so much on my plate trying to deal with everything... gotta keep appointments straight.. and deal with this guy being released from prison on the 3rd gonna have to say goodbye to sleep im sure

thanks for listening
wow.. another long post, sorry about that i dont realize how much i write sometimes..

[Luce]

Originally Posted by L.P.

Now and then I say, "Psychosis does not paint my kitchen red; Charlotte does."

I love this, Veda!