[elevatedsoul]

try to do something good, something nice for everyone
but fear takes over afterward, why did i even do that?
just thought it was a nice thought.. but everything that could be good = bad
has only been a like 12 hours or so too so not like anything bad could come from it anyway but ...

could it really happen that one day happiness is allowed - the fear is not real... blah...

[elevatedsoul]

[Takeshi]

I don't think you're kinda guy who's absolutely set with what the truth is?

Who's doing good for whom? You did good, and things change afterwards? That's called time passing, you are thinking what you can possibly think of, anything could eventually get there, good = bad. For me, it's nothing, it's just your opinion added, You was with good intension, you let things go, better not to what ifs.

You described the bad part as fearsome, it's like a paranoia, isn't it? You could ask though, "Was it good?", then ... I don't think that's polite. A nice guy with a nice thought, what is the problem?

Serious, move on ahead with your life, man. Life does not stop and start at our convenience.

Ascended, eh? Cool, you always have nice image going, diggin' the new look.

ETA: Many bads are done being disguised and sold as good things, deceptions everywhere. Manufacturing, production and marketing of good faith has gone evil, the choices that we make with small kindness of humanity can stand against the evilness that surround us. Bad met evil and they stay above the law till they get caught, we can easily get sucked into good/bad, kindness vs evil, what's gone and what's remaining with us? We try to stock values that goes up! That's kindness, and it is a part of you. A bad man will be proud of good he did, like I said, moving on is the best course of action I suppose. Good night, and good luck.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

[elevatedsoul]

Lol thanks Lost_in_the_woods, thats so funny

i lost what truth was a long long long long loong time ago, if i ever had it
my entire life i have been trying to figure life out, as most people im sure, but just on a more confusing level i think... i have a great deal many conflicting thoughts and ideas / beliefs that move back and forth... for many years now i just have been trying to not think about them.. but lately trying to put things in order, put things in their place, and get things organized so that i can try to start a real life... its just difficult i guess but its ok.. i got this

the thing that happened was just something silly... apparently i have a crush on this girl and i sent her a message.. pretty simple message just saying im here to talk if she wanted/needed someone to talk with..
but it provoked very much anxiety and fear because i have a crush on her i guess, i dont know much about crushes/love or good feelings apparently and it just caused inside to freak out a bit.. like i said, not like anything bad can come from it - so just an overdramatization of internal fears of past happenings i suppose

im ok now.. well enough atleast, just trying to figure out why the idea of getting close to someone or letting myself talk to someone causes so much problems :/
its kind of the one thing in life that i would like to experience before i die

everything in my head is all messed up... so it all gets super confusing and tiresome trying to remind myself all the time whats what and why this is that way and what do about this or that and stuff...

but its all good.. just sucks because it made me feel really good to send a nice message to someone i liked :P and then all of a sudden it was like NOOO YOU FOOOOL - but what can you do

maybe i'll get lucky and she can prove my inside wrong and make me happy and then i can go "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

[Takeshi]

Having a crush, that's usually a hopeless case.

carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero

ETA: I don't know what this is, but I'm gonna tell you anyways. It's not all true true statement, you know that.

I think that my expectation is high on you, and however it turns out, you won't disappoint. This is too much explaining but things like "buyers beware", you know those expectations and disappointment level when you shop, this is what separate human worth from material world. Our expectations and confidence fluctuates, there's always something like this place to restore yourself, if you ever feel that you mess it up, we're here for you. Spreading your kindness, blindness, whatever it is, you're a good man.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah i know

but i feel something so strong from this person, its a calling... and i have had these feelings before, but i just dont know hwo to act on them or what to do really...

i call it a crush because im not sure what to call it... i am not very experienced when it comes to any kind of relationsihps... friendships... family.. and stuff...

but i just feel something, its telling me, you know..?
and its all fine if nothing happens with her, but i just felt like i had to do something because of the feeling that i have had for so long.. im just not sure what to do because i suck at these things...
jus thought maybe i could talk to her and see what happen, but i cant get it out of my mind and she's just stuck in my head even though we have never really talked which kind of bothers me because i dont want to be a weirdo stalker crazy kind of person with obsession over someone... i think i jst really like her or something but maybe thats what a crush is?
like i said i dont know too much about it

i never hold onto anything in life though... the moment you try to hold on, someone snatch it away and take it all from you...

[Takeshi]

Hey, if the mood is what it saids it is, I hope it's not too bad.

I don't know what you talking about. A calling? Maybe this is this language barrier or you're just weird like myself. I don't do any of those things well either, it's embarrassingly bad actually, that is if I had a normal sense of human understandings of things. We don't know ****, there's no progress in the world, the world is going faster so, relatively speaking, you're standing your ground fine. Dammit, I hate noticing this inauthenticity coming on to my mind, it's a little things like what I should share and not, a personal boundaries, am I too private? I wish you a great success on revealing yourself to that girl, a calling is a neat way to put it if you think about it, I'm just thinking somethign like new pathways opening up in your brain in a manner of speaking, that's... you have some theory, am I right?

Umm,,,I came here to vent tonight. I hope that's alright.

We have only this one blue planet to ****s with, we try to find like minded souls and pat each other's back when needed, **** like that. That's all what I observe and am supposed to do, that's called being polite and I don't do it.

Lemme explain. How polite are you? It really is the deliberation, the thoughts, and the decision making that's what counts in my life, and I forget important stuff like this often. Polite, there's always an opposite to things, right? Op-lite, you can be a heavy hitter, heavy weight champ, like an Ali. So where would you be polite and the opposite is of course to be impolite. Polite use to mean, 'make smooth' in Greek I think? Impolite meaning being rude, lacking the manner.

Then how do we make things smooth? If my soul exist, I can be light and float up somewhere, or be as heavy as can be and I'd try to stand my own grand on the surface of the earth. It's a free country, I can step on someone and roll over them if I wanted to, the point is the freedom requires responsible action takings, people seem to be forgetting that equality matters.

Like I kinda said, it really is awkward for me to think what I say or not to say, it still is.

I don't know what else to say. A stalker. There's a former stalker somewhere on this website, he's alright. There is/was also this person with psychopath medical label, the person seemed really nice, just as you'd guess, he/she couldn't feel any human emotions, it's just sad. Can s/he at least be sincere? I assume so...

Your writings always sound smart, I don't read much, but struggling experiences lead you to great wisdoms, you provide quality readings. Qualities and quantities. Your insatiable appetite for data gathering, I was worried that if that was overloading your brain, as long as you get a handle on,,,not sleep, on this undefinable sanity of ours, I don't see any problem with that.

Thanks for this random chat, a glass half full, you just drink it, now you may get to share that. It's a great thing. That's clever the things you said at the end, for now though, I think you can be just as glad and as hopeful as you wanna be, please keep reporting if there's any progress, you and I know so many poor souls put up 'lonely' mood on their accounts, you are giving them hope, try to remember that. No pressure though.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks very much

i have difficulty standing my ground for the most part... i learned that unpleasant things can sometimes end faster if you just let the car run over you rather than trying to run from it and prolonging an inevitable hit and run ... if that makes sense..
so no one ever see's me react in certain ways, for the most part, unless im really triggered into such a reaction... the kind of reaction that is like "thats it, im putting my foot down and YOU ALL are going to hear it!" most of the time i will just try to let it roll off of me and change the subject or just walk away / get away from those things that would require me to stand up...

im extremely polite... constantly.. its something else i was taught, if im not submissive and polite - so much so that it hurts me greatly - then i am doing bad, wrong, and its my weight to carry to take burden and pain from others at the expense of being polite and friendly...

i guess i feel that i have been through so much that whats a little more going to hurt just to save the mood and keep a problem from escalating and making enemies... or going to jail you know?
because during the times i get triggered and part of me stands out, very very mean and straight forward with much nasty direct words that cut through peoples since no one is used to me having reactions like that - i always am left feeling embarrassed and hurting / depressed about it for days/weeks after such a thing happens.. which it doesnt happen often at all because i dont allow it.. but i try to balance it as much as possible, im just not good with dealin with those strong emotions

i enjoy making everyone happy, its kind of what i do most i guess... people pleaser, make everything easier on myself by keeping everyone around me happy or something, i dunno

every now and then i have these strong "knowing" feelings... like the intuitive side awakens and is trying to give a message like "Go in this direction, this is where you want to go" and i try to listen but i have hurt myself alot from things like that because i dont know how to handle situations well...

with this person its almost like feeling like a part of me, but im guessing its just some form of transference... or maybe it is my twin flame beckoning for my attention, calling out to save it (white knight syndrome..?)
or maybe its just because im so lonely and really want to share what life i have left with someone special so bad that im just idealizing or projecting stuff onto this person..
either way it would seem to me that if nothing else we could be cool friends but i suck even at friendships because of my attachment issues or whatever..

i hope that no one was offended by me saying anything.. im not stalking her really.. she's just on my mind i guess... i dont google her or visit her facebook or pages or anything.. not spamming her or trying to hack her accounts or anything... i guess i just feel strange because i cant seem to get her out of my head even though it would seem she doesnt really want a friendship or anything... kinda sucks because i could really use a friend here where i live
but i told myself that it wouldn't amount to anything trying to talk to her so dunno why its bothering me.. i guess im just lonely

if i knew what to say to her then maybe she would be interested, but as i stand now im just kind of depressed about the whole thing.. ?


it'll all be ok though i suppose, im not supposed to day dream about those kind of things anyway - i got distracted for a few hours so i kind of lost what i was saying so im just gonna stop typing

"if its meant to be, its meant to be" perhaps

gotta get more confidence somehow
gotta stop beating myself up

[Takeshi]

Just dropping by, I'll read your latest post later.

Just like I was thinking, it's kinda sorta hopeless.

A sign, a no trespassing sign. You can do whatever our heart tells us right to do, somebody gotta be willing to step into that field of jagged glasses, bullets whizzing by, a murder scene, haha, yours are more creative I'm sure, and I don't know even the concept of my soul at this point in life.

I don't think no one will ever find comfort in here, I don't know who or what I'm holding in my head, the fields are whatever I think it is, the electricity and will power, no single person is messing with it for a while now.

We can pick and pluck whatever's around in the real world, look up the moon light, our souls have to get lit. I could warn you not to burn your house down, then again, we'd want that as well.
Go forth ahead, nomad! This is right, man, What we want aren't for sale, advertised or traded where we can see. Definitely we won't be needing agents, I don't do that, it's just my way, y'know.

I'll see you around.

[Takeshi]

You've written quite a lot, a few things stood out.

Attachment issues, no one has said anything but I'm just as messed up as anyone else here, I don't know about normal folks but I guess I need to work on it. The position I take, in life, going against the grains or I don't know, what I do know is that I'm unlearning and trying to do my best, and in that process of this soul search or whatever the things I'm doing, there's this side in me that I want to hurt, I'm evil and I want to hurt myself to discover myself, and I worry try not to hurt anyone in the process, but anyways, the whole anxiety and fears that our society pretends to understand and cure for us, I don't believe any of it now, I'm too resentful perhaps, I am fed up, iykwim.

Sometimes I feel that I got nothing to say to you or to other conscious minds, especially talking with you like this, you get hurt, mad, and depressed, I just say sure, that's all understandable.

There's another thing in your post, that's an intuition, a gut feeling I'm guessing. I got hit and ran over 'cuz I was running away most of my life, damn. I'm sorry, no wisdom coming from this guy.

Sorry to hear that the reality appears to be what you were saying with her, I never know what others are thinking, I just picture great things for you in your life. If I have to say something about me and having a crush on someone, now I understand it as my mind was playing a trick on me, in medical communities, they call it being hypomanic, and I find that condescending at best, there's not a single thing that any "professionals" can understand about me, and I'm gonna hafta stop right here, I'm impolite inside, sarcasm ain't that effective, that's not what I wanna be, I dream to be nuclear, to be a bomb, now that's lame. Fusion and fission, you're the expert on that sort of things.

The metaphor, something I think we both understand. I didn't launch anything when I was young, my parents of course tried to make me smart by pushing me for education, something they themselves didn't understand. I hate 'em. But, as long as I can stay away, they will die eventually.

So yeah, I consider myself that I'm expired in the area of breaking and entering, that stealing criminal activity that you've been trying to be good at, I say go for it. Keep believing and keep pluggin' away, I'm just huge fan of guts and balls.

Nice talking with ya, you had an excellent analysis of what's been going on with your life. Taking the confidence back, or giving it a rebirth, it seems to me, that's not quite up to me if this is gonna keep me alive, I just wanna be prepared for anything, life's an ad-lib, freestyling.

ETA:

i guess i feel that i have been through so much that whats a little more going to hurt just to save the mood and keep a problem from escalating and making enemies... or going to jail you know?
because during the times i get triggered and part of me stands out, very very mean and straight forward with much nasty direct words that cut through peoples since no one is used to me having reactions like that - i always am left feeling embarrassed and hurting / depressed about it for days/weeks after such a thing happens.. which it doesnt happen often at all because i dont allow it.. but i try to balance it as much as possible, im just not good with dealin with those strong emotions

I think I know what you mean, now, we both being adjusting, coming/going the way we're headed, there are signs that we can read, this depends, right? I need to know how dumb I can get sometimes, there are so many traffics out there, umm,,,I don't go out much but I still can imagine myself wanting to go into traffic, not so long ago, I wasn't looking and I wanted to cross this busy road, it wasn't safe. You try to stay safe though.

[Takeshi]

Sorry I gotta say this, it's your grandfather rappin'.

"giving it a rebirth", "We ain't got a ***** so say bye to your birth and write your own verse."

I really should learn the technical stuff, punchlines, hooks and all that, but for now, as long as **** talks to me, it's all good.