[ThisWayOut]

It's agonizing... I know why I dissociated it all in the first place. It hurts like hell... had therapy today and it felt like I was searing my own skin off... t believes me even when I don't believe myself, but I wish she didn't. I wish she knew I was lying. I wish I was psychotic, because at least then there would be meds to obliterate the "knowledge"...
Why does it hurt so much to remember?
I miss SJ and her holding the trauma.... I wish I didn't know it (though not knowing it made me feel crazy because I had no idea where this was coming from)... I'm not sure what's worse: answers or psychosis...

[TrailRunner14]

No words. ((( hug )))

[elevatedsoul]

i know it sucks... im still really amnesiac (if thats how you say it)
im sorry you experienced bad things.. but they say when we remember we can move forward right..? its just the really sucky step towards a better life..?

can i ask how you remembered..? like, sometimes i try to remember things but i just cant...
i dont really want to but at this point im not sure i could even if i wanted to..?
i dont want to accidentally remember some things... i do have flashes but they tend to disappear as quick as they come for the most part..

hang in there...

[Luce]

I have little to offer except "I know."

I guess the hard parts are part of the process. It is such hard work. But it's an integral part of the whole package that leads to healing and peace. It's difficult and traumatizing work. But it's good work. I guess that's how I try to rationalize the need to go through the trauma of it, anyway.

And, if you've just come through another part of the trauma work - put together another piece of the horrifying puzzle - then a little bit more of that work is behind you now, and you are that little bit closer to the other side.

Don't forget self care... to be kind and nurture yourselves in all the little ways that work for you.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i know it sucks... im still really amnesiac (if thats how you say it)
im sorry you experienced bad things.. but they say when we remember we can move forward right..? its just the really sucky step towards a better life..?

can i ask how you remembered..? like, sometimes i try to remember things but i just cant...
i dont really want to but at this point im not sure i could even if i wanted to..?
i dont want to accidentally remember some things... i do have flashes but they tend to disappear as quick as they come for the most part..

hang in there...

I remembered by going back to where a lot of the abuse happened. I moved back home for about 3 years. In that 3 years, the flashbacks came hard, fast, and relentless... I wouldn't recommend it. It kinda sucked/s a lot.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

can i ask how you remembered..? like, sometimes i try to remember things but i just cant...
i dont really want to but at this point im not sure i could even if i wanted to..?
i dont want to accidentally remember some things... i do have flashes but they tend to disappear as quick as they come for the most part..

In the beginning we had no control over remembering or not. It was the debilitating flashbacks that initially drove our host to seek out therapy. The flashbacks - then and for several years after - were triggered by external events. The very first flashbacks happened when a child was born into the family and unbeknown to the host alters were afraid the child would be abused. (Our host up until that point had no knowledge or inkling of the abuse at all). Our host was really had no control over that process and was at the mercy of them for years.
I do it differently, but remember now we have had years of therapy and have developed a lot of internal skills. We still have intrusive flashbacks from time to time (recently have been having some from alters that we haven't had any communication with yet) but these days I am much better at actively communicating with the different ones and ask them to share stuff with me in a more controlled manner.

It has to be safe to remember though. We have had inside ones take over and shut things down because it isn't safe. If things are not safe to remember then it might not be able to happen.

[elevatedsoul]

Yeah that makes sense.... Sis had a baby n lives with us and it causing things too I think.. as well as mom moving bk in... And dummy getting out of prison... And all my bros having kids... And where am I? Stuck in purgatory... It's too much.. urgh...

Sorry... I'm laying in bed crying trying to fall asleep now for 2 hours... Sometimes it hurts so much and can't figure out why...

Trying not to self harm anymore but can't even cry myself to sleep... Just don't want to b alone anymore, want it to stop

[Luce]

It's kinda impossible when you're still in amongst it all, because being around the same old people keeps the triggers on triggering and the dissociation doing its thing. We moved away. We just left. And went far far away. It wasn't until then that we could begin to make sense of anything at all.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by Luce

In the beginning we had no control over remembering or not. It was the debilitating flashbacks that initially drove our host to seek out therapy. The flashbacks - then and for several years after - were triggered by external events. The very first flashbacks happened when a child was born into the family and unbeknown to the host alters were afraid the child would be abused. (Our host up until that point had no knowledge or inkling of the abuse at all). Our host was really had no control over that process and was at the mercy of them for years.
I do it differently, but remember now we have had years of therapy and have developed a lot of internal skills. We still have intrusive flashbacks from time to time (recently have been having some from alters that we haven't had any communication with yet) but these days I am much better at actively communicating with the different ones and ask them to share stuff with me in a more controlled manner.

It has to be safe to remember though. We have had inside ones take over and shut things down because it isn't safe. If things are not safe to remember then it might not be able to happen.

What makes it safe to remember?

[Luce]

Oh I don't know, really. I am going off my own experience of it being easier to reaasociate dissociated material when the current external environment is safe. Like it is impossible to work on dissociated trauma memory if you are being abused ... because the amnesia needs to stay in place.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( hugs ))))))))

[elevatedsoul]

I have read that before, that one's environment must be safe..

But I don't know what I can do, I'm stuck here... I can't drive because of things, it's difficult enough to ride in a vehicle you know... I guess from all the different things that happened inside them...

So if I do some how move out how can I make it to appointments... Or the store, which shopping is completely overstimulating...

Then I have the issue of work and money since I'm having so much trouble with the disability people... Don't want to b on it but wat am I supposed to do...?

I'm dependent on my parents still.. and it's extremely demeaning and embarrassing and shameful ..

My dilemma... I was raised in this mess yet I can't escape it.. you know? Dunno what to do

I'm falling backwards into old bad ways... And Kant even afford to buy the stuff to numb it all .. I'm scared it will never get better .. but what ever..

I didn't sleep at all last night and think the insomnia is making its come back again..

I have to stop writing and deal with the people around now , sorry to write such pathetic post... I'm just scared and overwhelmed 😞

Thanks for listening ❤

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

It's kinda impossible when you're still in amongst it all, because being around the same old people keeps the triggers on triggering and the dissociation doing its thing. We moved away. We just left. And went far far away. It wasn't until then that we could begin to make sense of anything at all.

There is a part of me, when I get triggered and feel trapped, that wants to get in the car and just drive. Away. Anywhere. Just drive until the car runs out of gas, and see where I wind up.

It IS hard to try and get a grip on what is happening, when you have to constantly be on guard, or blindly getting triggered and trying to figure out why.

[ThisWayOut]

Insomnia definitely makes things worse for me...

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There is a part of me, when I get triggered and feel trapped, that wants to get in the car and just drive. Away. Anywhere. Just drive until the car runs out of gas, and see where I wind up.

It IS hard to try and get a grip on what is happening, when you have to constantly be on guard, or blindly getting triggered and trying to figure out why.

That is like what happened within us like a week ago - we were supposed to drive home from a place several hours away... let's just say we wasted a lot of time and gas because our drive was... a little back and forth. Took me a little while to get a handle on that little experience.
But I get it. We have stuff to work on here. We still have regular contact with our abusers and .... oh, just stuff.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

That is like what happened within us like a week ago - we were supposed to drive home from a place several hours away... let's just say we wasted a lot of time and gas because our drive was... a little back and forth. Took me a little while to get a handle on that little experience.

But I get it. We have stuff to work on here. We still have regular contact with our abusers and .... oh, just stuff.

I loose myself driving too. Sometimes it's a zone out but other times it's a freak out.
I think I'm lost or have taken a wrong turn, then I realize I'm ok.

Other times it's me getting lost or not remembering where I'm going to places I've been many times. Don't know what to make of that.

I guess that may be the freedom of getting in the car and driving, not caring, or having to care, where I wound up. That is a bit disturbing too, in a way.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I guess that may be the freedom of getting in the car and driving, not caring, or having to care, where I wound up. That is a bit disturbing too, in a way.

Hmmm, yes, could be quite dangerous!
Though a part of me (I know who it is ) thinks that would kinda be fun.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hmmm, yes, could be quite dangerous!

Though a part of me (I know who it is ) thinks that would kinda be fun.

Hmmmm, a part of me agrees with you!

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Hmmmm, a part of me agrees with you!

Hmm, not 'Thelma' by any chance?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hmm, not 'Thelma' by any chance?

You are funny!! I've not seen that movie but there is an idea there maybe of what you mean. I've heard the reviews.

Nope. It's more like a pissed of 12 year old part of me. Very opinionated and courageous. Done. Like it or leave it. I'm out of here. . Sometimes I so wish that was me.

Not me at all! The real me. People pleaser to the max.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

You are funny!! I've not seen that movie but there is an idea there maybe of what you mean. I've heard the reviews.

Nope. It's more like a pissed of 12 year old part of me. Very opinionated and courageous. Done. Like it or leave it. I'm out of here. . Sometimes I so wish that was me.

Not me at all! The real me. People pleaser to the max.

LOL, Perrrrfect! Mine is a sassy no-nonsense won't-take-any-crap-from-anyone 12 year old too!