[elevatedsoul]

im really trying hard to do everything right, dont make any more mistakes, but responsibilities are difficult for me... not because im irresponsible, but because im terrified

im very reluctant to make assumptions anymore, very reluctant to assume that i can possibly understand my condition, because i thought i was able to grasp the reality of things before.. but my attempts at making sense of things caused rejection by doctors, i felt attacked and disregarded.. i felt unheard, uncared for, untrusted, like a liar and manipulator, when all i wanted was to figure things out..

im very reluctant to come here and write about thoughts of my condition because who am i to assume that i have any issues at all?
because i know how much it hurts and what pain feels like, and i know how much some of you all here have been through and who am i to compare anything i have been through to any one elses experience..?

im afraid of being seen, being heard, when thats all i want is to be seen and heard.. to be found, helped, to rely on someone and trust that others aren't going to hurt me and that im not just going to be abused by everyone and laughed at... to be ridiculed for feeling the way i do and experiencing things the way they are...

to be yelled at AGAIN for thinking that i might know whats wrong with me, like the doctors did before and disregarding everything i say because im just being obsessive manic compulsive or who knows what...

to offend others because they maybe experienced abuse worse... or that maybe my experience shouldn't feel like abuse at all and just be completely normal...

i don't think i have ever givin any back story... and im ashamed to, im afraid of being discovered by anyone that knows me in real life and they to look back at how many ridiculous posts i have made...

briefly... my parents were not ready to be parents... and they still arent, they just dont have the ability to get along very well... my mother was a preacher at one point but that fell through as well... they fought pretty much all the time...
we didnt have things we needed... sometimes electricity even... no food... clothing... they abused alcohol and drugs and we left to raise ourselves for the most part... no one to comfort you because you are always afraid, the parents are either angry or afraid themselves.. to not be shy to physical discipline because of little things... to not have someone to tell you that its ok...
to have a psychopathic sociopathic narcisistic psychotic schizophrenic step brother that will pop in and catch the house on fire or throw you in a pond where you see nothing but escape and accept fate that your 4 years on this planet have concluded and its time for you to leave... to have multiple attacks... to live in constant fear... to be stripped away from it all and thrown into foster care... to be sent back home because things are supposed to be fixed... to be sexually abused... to just not even know what to know anymore...

i try to tell myself things are not normal... that my entire experience has been traumatic and that im still experiencing the traumas due to my living situation... but i feel pathetic and guilty because im so weak and supposed to be able to handle everything, i faced death multiple times and yet i cant get through a normal day...?

i have not received an accurate diagnosis in my entire 6 years in treatment... they dont seem to focus on diagnosising me where i go... they just focus on the symptoms they say, the diagnosis isnt so important as is the symptoms, have to get the symptoms under control... but i tell them that the diagnosis is kind of important... atleast important to me, to know what is wrong.. to understand... to grasp my reality...
to understand the symptoms wholely because anxiety from bipolar maybe different from anxiety from avoidant personality disorder or social phobia.... depression from borderline maybe different from bipolar depression... dissociative experiences may complicate everything...

i feel so messed up...

i read about dissociative identity disorder back in the beginning of this year sometime and it opened up a world of assumptions, possibilities, misunderstandings, fear, anxiety, joy, and just over all disturbing the already murky waters... i know i had read about dissociation before but i dunno why i just forgot about it or something and didnt pay attention to it... i sort of remember seeing it and just skipping over it like "nah, no sense in even touching that one"

i've been told i have avoidant personality traits and borderline personality traits as well...

im just trying to grasp things and try to make my life work... but im so completely and uterly overwhelmed.... this sensory processing disorder stuff that i have is really disturbing my ability to function...

what im wondering is.. is it possible to have dissociative identity disorder and be like this... or is it possible to have borderline personality and feel so severely out of it that it makes you feel like you have D.I.D. ...

im not looking for a diagnosis to myself just an understanding to these questions... i talk to the doctors the best i can but they are trying the best they can with their policies i guess... they aren't exactly interested in administering the DES or SCID-D or any type of assessments because they just want me to stabilize and have a life or something i dunno what their policies are....

all i can say is that i have taken the DES personally and my previous score i think from this month or last month was a 67... next time i take it im gonna write the dates down...

im just wondering if i can be so severely dissociative WITHOUT D.I.D. or if borderline can cause you to be in a time warp dissociative world where you lose yourself around every corner...

im so broken, im trying to find the pieces that i CAN put back together and make work... without destroying the progress i have made... if i have made any progress at all...

the last thing i want is to be rejected or attacked by anyone because of me seeking understanding... or to offend anyone...
im not interested in fitting into any group, im a loner and im perfectly fine being alone i suppose... im not exaggerating things even though it just sounds so messed up most of the time that it would seem that i must be exaggerating...
im not interested in pity or making other people feel sorry for me so that i can get attention... i dont much like attention... im just here for myself because im in trouble and its imperative that i figure this out before its too late and it consumes the bit of life i have left...

i hope this post is coherent... and i appreciate understanding...
i need answers so bad.. i dont want to keep seeing the years go by and the only thing i have to show for it is more and more confusion.... loneliness... pain... segregation... all of that stuff...

thank you..

I can't say hon because all I know is by experience, and borderline have I none. I do know that dissociation can be a symptom of other m.i.'s, medication, or normality.

Have you looked into DP/DR because you seem to doubt your very existence so much? I hope so much better for you.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah i experience a great deal of depersonalization and de-realization...

i have that thing opposite of deja vu... Jamais Vu... but i do have deja vu alot as well..
if feel out of place and out of time... distorted... i dont feel alive, im living in a personal hell but not in a psychosis kind of way it would seem to me... but who knows, i dont knows, maybe i am just psychotic too... but the antipsychotics and medications dont help...

fallen angel condemned to the misery of understanding ones own nature to come to terms with crimes against existence that i have committed over the many thousands of years that i may have been in existence... to learn ones mistakes and be offered another chance...

but i haven't done anything wrong in this life... its my purgatory... im not the offender... but the one to re-live the offenses... cant say how many times i said sorry, but if its true then this god doesnt really want me back..

i dont really think i have borderline because of the emotional instability with relationships which i dont have at all... my relationships are fine for the most part, i dont explode on people or just turn around and hate people ore extremely idealize people ... but then again im so largely avoidant that i guess no one is close enough to me for me to have unstable relationship...

its kind of like this.. i dont have an identity, i am no one, but i am everyone... i am the eyes, the visionary... i see things, i hypervigilant to the world, interpreting threats and bringing in what i can to keep myself as safe as possible...

but i do have identities, i just cant see them or feel them or understand because its on the other side of the ocean... im these identities with people and people could recognize me by them... but i cant explain them to you because they just are, its what happens to me to try to function in a half functional way to stay appropriate and proper in a society that i don't belong in...

so who am i..? i dunno, dont know much of anything besides im tired...
i dont want to die, i just want to get things in order so that i can have a real life, i want to come together as an individual that can say "THIS IS WHO I AM!!" instead of just simply being people and not even knowing who...

this is why i have so much depersonalization and derealization i think... because im a deep thinker and i try so hard...
i get obsessive and when i cant figure a puzzle out it drives me bonkers...

its like trying to figure out how was i just like that? what happened? now i feel pain, it hurts, but what does it all mean? now i cant remember that im in pain, my body is young and feels fine, im happy and people love to be around me, but now im confused, im empty and cant figure out why im just becoming... my head spins because these things are not fitting together, they cant fit together, they are not supposed to be able to exist within the same body, how is it possible to be so suicidal and hate life, hate people, hate everything, and turning around and caring so much about life, my life, happiness, to want to fight for it, and then having to fight internally because it would seem that im just destroying myself and inevitably going to fail because maybe like mom said im just possessed by some demonic forces that want to take me...

which wouldn't suprise me ...

but that just makes me sound delusional...

the first time i can remember experiencing dp/dr i was 4 years old... but i think i had to experience it before then too because it was so powerful in this memory... and then i just disappeared...

thanks for your well wishes friend...

[ruh roh]

I'm so sorry you have not been getting the help you need. I never used to think that a diagnosis helped, and that the treatment would be the same regardless, but that turned out not to be true--a diagnosis of did has made a big difference because the treatment is more specific to what's going on and is more effective in helping me manage things--it also explained a lot that was not making sense under any other description. It's a struggle to accept, but at least it's a struggle with a name to it.

If no one is willing to diagnose what's going on, has anyone provided a trauma approach to therapy? At the very least, you will not find anyone blaming you or calling you manipulative, which is abusive in my opinion.

[elevatedsoul]

the therapist im seeing now is looking more at the trauma i think... i think she's telling the others at the clinic some things too which is really helpful...

she keeps mentioning developmental trauma disorder, before they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor (which i wasn't and cant understand why they would say such a thing to someone thats just trying to understand what in the world is happening to them...)
and telling me im bipolar and just telling me i have mood swings that go up and down and that i take the medicine and it will make it better, which it didnt, and they just didnt care about what i had been through... its scary having to try to face the fact that you have mental illness... its scary trying to face it alone... its scary when no one hears you or understands you... its scary when you cant understand yourself...

but im not bipolar... its not cyclical mood swings... its not like that at all... i can be triggered from fine into a suicidal mess... its all triggers and everything triggers me... there is not much of a pattern that i can see, i cant even realize my own triggers because its so fast that i dont know its happening - i want to run away so bad but i have no where i can go...

i feel so horrible about posting this... i just keep hearing, i dont want to talk about it, i dont want to talk about it, I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
i want it to just be better, but im scared that i cant fix it at all and if i cant get a handle on things then its just going to get so much worse so quick... im running out of time...

sorry for being so cynical and depressing...

[elevatedsoul]

a world chasing its tail...

lame swirls bending the trail...

curled over trending bail...

claimed burls without a pail...

stained pearls inside this jail...

furls listening stumped by the mail...

breaking out to run about...

the pain creates cookies unbaked...

shoes untied because nobody tried...

and where to go because of the snow...

i can't be late for goodness sake...

somethings must be done...

fun things must become...

escape the torture that has captured..

tape the couture before the rapture...

silence is the quiet prize...

something required in my eyes...

if i can fix the broken, maybe everything can be smokin...

deadly prize...

[Abby]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

its like trying to figure out how was i just like that? what happened? now i feel pain, it hurts, but what does it all mean? now i cant remember that im in pain, my body is young and feels fine, im happy and people love to be around me, but now im confused, im empty and cant figure out why im just becoming... my head spins because these things are not fitting together, they cant fit together, they are not supposed to be able to exist within the same body, how is it possible to be so suicidal and hate life, hate people, hate everything, and turning around and caring so much about life, my life, happiness, to want to fight for it, and then having to fight internally because it would seem that im just destroying myself and inevitably going to fail because maybe like mom said im just possessed by some demonic forces that want to take me...

I've not had your traumatic childhood experiences nor read a lot of your previous posts so I cannot say that I relate to your whole situation but this is my life. I am very happy with my life, I enjoy my life a lot. I have great family, friends, work and I am fortunate to be fortunate in how I live to eek out a lifestyle that suits me very well. If you asked me if I was happy, I'd say absolutely. I love my life. Then....if I become upset or depressed or listen to the pain inside me which I try to ignore as much as humanly possible in order to not have it drown out my life, then I become angry, depressed, life is not worth living, I forget why I care about it, I want to say 'screw it'. This is as honest as when I say I love my life...when I say I want to get rid of it all, I mean it just as much. And simultaneously I can say I love my life...but I want it to all go away as I despise it. The few people I'm honest with or at least talk about this stuff with become utterly confused that I can talk in contradictions and it upsets me they say this to me as sometimes I can't hear it and sometimes I don't know what to do, which one is the truth. They're both true even if they dont make sense together. This is exactly where I get stuck too, no longer do I want to self harm because I love my life but also who cares if I self harm, it is just my body and a life I hate anyway. I think holding those two bits together is incredibly difficult, then let the young fear part in (that's the worst to me!) and life gets hard. How do you describe yourself to others when you both totally and utterly and yet also simultaneously love, hate, are fearful of your life? If I can't be coherent then how can I expect others too? So yes, I get this part. But I guess they may be hugely more extreme thsn others may experience but they're all normal and human reactions to painful experiences. Most people do hold conflicting feelings all at once, hard to believe isn't it?! I'm not saying yours are only feelings, just that they're not demonic either. They're incredibly human.

I have no answers for you, perhaps until you feel more stable you need to break it down day by day. What is it today or this week that will help you feel more stable and solid. A routine? Certain childish foods? Meeting with friends and distracting? Cleaning your room? I know these sound ridiculous in response to what you're talking about...but they may help a little. I hugely understand what it is like to feel alone and confused with yourself, sometimes focusing outwards more helps a bit. At least till you're ready to go internal again to start figuring it out. Your therapist could help give you skills for thks like those grounding ones.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks... before i started focusing on this i didnt pay attention to it... i knew something was wrong but i just tried to ignore it as much as possible..

now it just drives me crazy because its like seeing yourself in the mirror like this



having this memory problem on top of it is really disturbing me....

i am definitely trying to go one day at a time... but its really difficult because im around so many triggers...

i dont have any friends... the people that know me are people that i think i probably shouldn't be around as they will just cause me to get high or drunk and become whatever it is i have been doing my whole life and trying to get away from..
but i have never had a friend, only acquaintances that share the same mentallity that arises... "get F*CKD up and die trying"

people at the clinic trying to get me to go socialize with other members of the clinic so i can meet others but im in such a rotten place right now i really dont want to see anyone... i just want to disappear... i dont have a routine anymore, since we moved last year it was demolished... i dont eat very much because i just dont really like eating...

i escape inside the mind alot...

im trying to make things better though... it just hurts so much some times...

feel so pathetic.. what a self loathing self pitying load of crock...

[elevatedsoul]

[L.P.]

Being a person who has lived through childhood trauma complicates everything. There is overlap in so many different diagnosis in the DSM. I am glad to hear that your current t is looking more at trauma and communicating things to others.

I wish I had an answer for you. I have no answers. I can say that I relate to having no identity but having several at the same time. Historically my system has been segregated internally and externally. Even if it was one person living life solo, they would seem very different people depending on where they were or who they were around. It makes being a chameleon easy and having a solid sense of self difficult.

I am glad to hear you are taking things one day at a time. I am also curious about what types of self care you are practicing through this? What you are doing here by speaking up is a clear example to me of courage and willingness to work hard to make progress. It very much can hurt trying to move forward; you are trying and that is huge. I happen to be an advocate for taking care of ones self while in the midst of internal chaos as well as the triggery events that life drops in our laps.

-Amsterdam