[TrailRunner14]

Question.

Is coexisting, as in being a passenger to what is happening in that moment, and not being in control, in that moment, is that something that can "be" with dissociation as well as DID, or is it DID only?

I know with dissociation that there are times when you are not all there and feeling like a passenger. When you become a passenger, you realize it and you are watching and thinking, "What the heck am I doing?" Is that still dissociation or does that cross over into something else?

I'm so confused and trying to sort this out.

That is the basic concept of coexistence right? Two perspectives going on at the same time? Two parts existing in the same plane of the moment?

[TrailRunner14]

Afterthought.

So, what makes the difference in the two? What makes the difference in me being "me" and me being another part of me and not in control?

Does that make sense????

[Luce]

I am not sure... I think it may fall under depersonalization? I know it does happen at times in DID, but I don't think it is limited to DID.

I recall our old host went through a stage of needing to categorize and understand her dissociative experiences... to truly *know* what we were dealing with. I think for her it was mixed up with denial and disbelief... like *surely* this can't be what's going on with me? (I may be completely off track here so ignore if necessary!) It was almost like our host needed to validate what was going on so that she could accept it. She would have dissociative experiences 'slap her in the face' and then angst about it, try to define it, try to understand it.

One thing is certain - it is definitely a dissociative experience, and dissociative experiences are often caused by.... well, you know.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Afterthought.

So, what makes the difference in the two? What makes the difference in me being "me" and me being another part of me and not in control?

Does that make sense????

I think your self awareness. In that moment, where is your concept of you? From the way you described it, you were the passenger.

[finding_my_way]

yeah. it would be depersonalization.

i experience depersonalization and at times derealization outside of the DID but also within it...it depends. when i realize it is more the DID, i can feel one of the others usually in some way or another. also, depersonalization for me is more triggered by lack of sleep and stress which for me is different than when it's related to DID which is also triggered by those things but has more to it, like an actual trigger/reminder of a trauma or something or not feeling like i'm just myself where i will feel something from one of the others that isn't 'my' feeling...so things like that are what tell me it's not 'just' depersonalization on its own. it does get confusing though to sort out what is what at times since it also can overlap.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

I think your self awareness. In that moment, where is your concept of you? From the way you described it, you were the passenger.

Yes I was the passenger/observer watching what was going on, with no control over it.

I was still "me" because I made a comment about it, but that didn't stop what was happening. It wasn't anything "bad" - just to say that. It was physically happening. I was there, but it wasn't "me" doing it.

I so totally know that sounds "out there" but I'm so trying to understand this!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

yeah. it would be depersonalization.


i experience depersonalization and at times derealization outside of the DID but also within it...it depends. when i realize it is more the DID, i can feel one of the others usually in some way or another. also, depersonalization for me is more triggered by lack of sleep and stress which for me is different than when it's related to DID which is also triggered by those things but has more to it, like an actual trigger/reminder of a trauma or something or not feeling like i'm just myself where i will feel something from one of the others that isn't 'my' feeling...so things like that are what tell me it's not 'just' depersonalization on its own. it does get confusing though to sort out what is what at times since it also can overlap.

It is very confusing! Thank you!! I'm not sure I feel "others" in those times. It's basically like I get hijacked and I immediately become the passenger. It's very "fluid" and I don't realize it. This past time was very different.

[TrailRunner14]

There are other parts of me that I know and can feel at different times, but in the times that I get my feel clipped out from under me, I have no idea what has happened.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

I am not sure... I think it may fall under depersonalization? I know it does happen at times in DID, but I don't think it is limited to DID.

I recall our old host went through a stage of needing to categorize and understand her dissociative experiences... to truly *know* what we were dealing with. I think for her it was mixed up with denial and disbelief... like *surely* this can't be what's going on with me? (I may be completely off track here so ignore if necessary!) It was almost like our host needed to validate what was going on so that she could accept it. She would have dissociative experiences 'slap her in the face' and then angst about it, try to define it, try to understand it.

One thing is certain - it is definitely a dissociative experience, and dissociative experiences are often caused by.... well, you know.

I do know. But. Now I am learning better. Right??

What you describe as your "old host" sounds a lot like me, in the process of where I am working through this now.

There is some comfort or idea, that if I can understand what is going on and why, maybe - somehow I could have some (bad word I know) control. Right?

Healing. That is what I'm truly searching for. I believe there must be some knowledge required to know what you want to be healed from. That sounds better than control! Yes?

[elevatedsoul]

try not to let it drive you absolutely insane as whatever im experiencing is..

it really disturbs me when i cant understand something

hang in there...

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you ES! Looking for answers and experience of others gives me a grip on not being swept into it and loosing my grounding, at least that's what I aim towards.

I hope that you can get to a place of understanding too! A part of me believes that there is strength there.

[elevatedsoul]

i get embarrassed about asking too many questions so im glad you asked, i've been trying to figure out the same thing it seems

do you journal?
i tried to start journaling again back in like april or something and filled a book up in a couple months but i have kind of started avoiding doing it because it just makes me feel weird going back and reading some of the stuff and seeing how i was being and the different hand writings and just made me feel like a douche pretending or exaggerating or something.. but my memory is so messed up so i guess thats why i cant remember stuff because i would probably totally freak out if i didnt forget

i think someone on here said that their T told them later that the different hand writings ended up being other parts trying to communicate or something..?
i cant remember..

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you ES! Looking for answers and experience of others gives me a grip on not being swept into it and loosing my grounding, at least that's what I aim towards.

I don't know how it is for other people with d id, though sometimes my therapist will affirm after I've shared something that it's very normal for x,y or z to happen in the di d world, and that helps. For me, there is a lot that's unknown, and a lot of what you describe as losing grounding, but also...the more understanding I gain through therapy about what is happening and why--what each insider's role is and has always been--I see that this has always been happening. Now I have a way to understand it/us and calm things down or at least learn ways to do that.

Honestly, it helped to have the diagnosis, at the same time it's a struggle to accept. The questioning is always there, but having that help from a professional who has experience with this has made all the difference. It did not start to come together until I/we came forward with it and told my therapist about some of us and the different roles and tasks. She said she had seen the switching and the symptoms before I took the leap to trust her with everyone. It was a very long time getting to that point.

There is a lot to still understand. So much has been hidden from me. It's a long process. I hope you are able to talk openly with your therapist about this and be able to let go of any fear about a particular label because being able to bring things out into the open is terrifying and unburdening at the same time. (Sorry if this is off topic to what your concern is. I can't really tell if you struggle with identifying what's happening or if you have identified it and are struggling with it on that side of things).

eta: my therapist calls this topic co-conscious and it happens with me and at least one other.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't know how it is for other people with d id, though sometimes my therapist will affirm after I've shared something that it's very normal for x,y or z to happen in the di d world, and that helps. For me, there is a lot that's unknown, and a lot of what you describe as losing grounding, but also...the more understanding I gain through therapy about what is happening and why--what each insider's role is and has always been--I see that this has always been happening. Now I have a way to understand it/us and calm things down or at least learn ways to do that.

Honestly, it helped to have the diagnosis, at the same time it's a struggle to accept. The questioning is always there, but having that help from a professional who has experience with this has made all the difference. It did not start to come together until I/we came forward with it and told my therapist about some of us and the different roles and tasks. She said she had seen the switching and the symptoms before I took the leap to trust her with everyone. It was a very long time getting to that point.

There is a lot to still understand. So much has been hidden from me. It's a long process. I hope you are able to talk openly with your therapist about this and be able to let go of any fear about a particular label because being able to bring things out into the open is terrifying and unburdening at the same time. (Sorry if this is off topic to what your concern is. I can't really tell if you struggle with identifying what's happening or if you have identified it and are struggling with it on that side of things).

eta: my therapist calls this topic co-conscious and it happens with me and at least one other.

Thank you!!!! That was the word I was looking for!! I found this

https://sarahkreece.com/2012/08/07/w...consciousness/

and there are all the answers I was looking for. Co-consciousness!!

I had not found anything that had described it, in such an understandable way.

Thank also for sharing your experience of coming forward and talking about it with your therapist. I catch myself referring to me as "we" a lot lately. Several months ago, I caught myself about to do that in session and was going to correct myself. I went ahead and said "we" and explained to my counselor that it felt very "right" to say it. It feels more normal than I have felt in my life. It was a bit scary to do that, the first time, but now does feel as if a burden has been lifted. I acknowledged it and accepted it.

I really have no idea how this looks down the road. I am truly blessed to be working with my counselor, because I feel very safe to talk openly with him about it. We have talked a lot about "other parts of me" as far as the dissociation aspect of what happens to me. D ID has always frightened me, because I had the picture of it being totally amnesia episodes. What I read explains another aspect of it, that makes total sense to things that I experience.

Thank you again for the ETA!! It was a gift to me.

[Luce]

Brilliant description of coconsciousness! Thanks for that.

[TrailRunner14]

Ok.

The realization has come. It makes sense now. Total sense.

Now. There is a part of me "freaking out" wondering what has been. What has been "real" in that moment and what has been "not me" even though I was there.

Does that make any sense? I'm trying to calm myself and be ok with it, but there is a part of me that is definitely on the verge of flipping out.

I'm trying to find a point of calm and peace and it's a fight.

[ruh roh]

Yes. It makes a lot of sense to me. The confusion and questioning and struggle is intense and (from what my therapist explains) very common. I never used to like having a therapist saying that something was normal, but in this case it's like a lifeline at times to hear. It was like I dropped through a trap door to another reality and she was there, saying hello and acting like this was all just the most natural thing in the world to be going through. It's a comfort to come through realization after realization and have someone there to say welcome and congratulations to everyone.

Hugs to you.

[Luce]

Well, it IS you. It is a part of you. Not a foreign body or alien life form or anything like that. (I know you're not really thinking that). It is just a part of you that you have lost contact with... not been aware of. Not too much different to a forgotten memory.
I know how freaky and scary it is. It will be okay. You will be okay.

I think it can be very overwhelming at first to acknowledge there is stuff there that you don't know about, or don't have control over. There are so many implications of that and none of them are very reassuring! But take deep breaths, go for a run, do the things that normally calm you and help you find your feet. It really will all be okay in the end. You can do this.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Yes. It makes a lot of sense to me. The confusion and questioning and struggle is intense and (from what my therapist explains) very common. I never used to like having a therapist saying that something was normal, but in this case it's like a lifeline at times to hear. It was like I dropped through a trap door to another reality and she was there, saying hello and acting like this was all just the most natural thing in the world to be going through. It's a comfort to come through realization after realization and have someone there to say welcome and congratulations to everyone.

Hugs to you.

Yes! Thank you! The trap door I do understand. It's like falling through the "rabbit hole" and you have no grounding and you try to explain it. Things happen in session that freak me out and my counselor is like "oh, that was blah blah blah". No big deal right. ? Not to me!!

I am a sorter of facts and information. I take what is going on and make sense of it. Try to anyway.

Thank you!! It means very much to me that you hear me and understand.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Well, it IS you. It is a part of you. Not a foreign body or alien life form or anything like that. (I know you're not really thinking that). It is just a part of you that you have lost contact with... not been aware of. Not too much different to a forgotten memory.

I know how freaky and scary it is. It will be okay. You will be okay.


I think it can be very overwhelming at first to acknowledge there is stuff there that you don't know about, or don't have control over. There are so many implications of that and none of them are very reassuring! But take deep breaths, go for a run, do the things that normally calm you and help you find your feet. It really will all be okay in the end. You can do this.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I just can't wrap my mind around where I find myself.

If you've read any earlier post from me, this is the point that I want to get in my car and drive. No destination. Just get away. There is no escape from this though. I know that.

I feel like much drama right now.

Don't mean to.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for encouragement and truthfulness. Truly!!

I feel so needy and bothersome right now. Out there some where by myself.

I know I'm not, because you understand.

Thank you!

[TrailRunner14]

Going for a run I the morning!

If it's ok, y'all with be with me.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I just can't wrap my mind around where I find myself.

If you've read any earlier post from me, this is the point that I want to get in my car and drive. No destination. Just get away. There is no escape from this though. I know that.

I feel like much drama right now.

Don't mean to.

I think there are times in the therapeutic process and healing journey when things are dramatic. When you uncover the layers of trauma, memory and self it dramatically shifts your awareness of self and your own reality. it can be incredibly intense to have one's whole sense of reality suddenly shift to incorporate something new.
I mean, to the outside it looks like nothing has changed or is changing at all, but internally there are times when a great metamorphosis is occurring. It can be pretty dramatic stuff!

[ruh roh]

I hope you had a good run this morning.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I hope you had a good run this morning.

Thank you! It has been a beautiful day here today. I slept SO hard last night, and there are fragments of dreams that I can't make any sense out of. It's ok though. That's what I'm telling myself.

My morning run turned into an afternoon run. I woke up and went and curled up in my reading chair and slept some more. It may just be what I need right now.

Thank you for thinking of me. I hope your day was beautiful where you are!