I mean really... doesn't anyone besides me.. just plain get sick to "death" of the whole thing.. the whole sharing your life thing.. the whole.... people not understanding...

And worse... the whole people NOT wanting to understand..

Trying to explain.. what makes "you" different..

are there any people in this forum that will step up to the plate..

and scream with me "I AM TIRED... I WANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE TAKE FOR GRANTED"

Well I am screaming loud enough for everyone... cause I am ranting and raving angry.. about everything... what I have gone thru to be DID.. and the terrible awlful pain..

I read some of those articles that were posted here that said.. ahhhhhhhhhh you needed have gone thru trauma to be DID,,,, EXCUSE me.. but I disagree... and those articles make it ten fold harder to get anyone to accept that the DID DX even exists..

Yes.. I am ranting.. and I am raving... maybe if I had done more of that in life.. people would left their mitts the "hxx" off of my body.. If I had screamed and screamed and screamed.. maybe my Dad would have left his stupid body parts to himself.. if I had screamed and screamed and screamed... just maybe the pedophile would have thought a second time before he picked me..

Maybe if I had screamed and screamed and screamed the first time my ex-husband back slapped me... he would never have done it again..

Maybe if I had screamed and screamed and screamed.. my grandma wouldn't have died in my arms.. Maybe God would have heard me and gave me back the only person that loved me.. I was 17.. IT wasn't fair..

Maybe if I had screamed and screamed and screamed.. the doctors would have made my Dad take care of my MOM... maybe just maybe.. I wouldn't have known what a respirator looked like at 10 years old.. ya think?????????

ya THINK???????????????

And just maybe this is all my fault cause I didn't scream..

Maybe.. I am to blame for all this after all.

I hate the world.. just hate the world...

[mlyn]

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GIVING UP TRYING !!!!!!!!!!
SCREW THE DX'S AND ALL THAT HAPPY HORSE %#@&#!!!!!!!!!!!
DONE WITH IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.. myln... you are probably the only one that will scream with me

my pdoc.. asks me every month "and does that make you angry" I always answer "no, why?"

I would like to hurt myself ...... to punish myself...to wipe myself off this planet ..... for not screaming.. if I had just screamed and screamed and screamed..

everyone would have kept their body parts off of me..

This month, I will be able to say.. Yes I am angry..I should have screamed and screamed and screamed..

may God help me.. that is my prayer.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((mlyn))))))))))))) I'm sorry you both are struggling so much.

For me, anger is a scary thing and so it's very difficult for me to express. That doesn't mean it's not there but for the most part, it's buried pretty deep as with most of my emotions. A lot of times I do feel something on the edge, but because emotions are so scary, it's hard for me to even recognize them for what they are and if I ever do, it's after the fact. I have, however, heard about times when I have expressed a lot of anger, but I haven't been aware at that time.

Your ex-husband, father, your grandmother, mother's respirator, those are all traumas. I think sometimes the brain splits, sometimes maybe it doesn't. I don't know exactly how or why it happens but I do know it happens so that we can carry on and do the things we need to do.

I don't explain to anyone about what's going on with me. My life is so much about secrets, programmed from a long time ago, that I don't ever dare tell anyone anything about anything other than the weather for the most part. Some people think I am eccentric, some people might think I'm weird I'm sure.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I hope things start looking up for you soon. You have overcome much and I'm glad you're here.

[dorine]

Yes.. Many times I get tired But I keep going on..I keep trying to fit in. I know I'm new but not new to the pain and the sadness. Some days it's so over wheming and other days we do well. I hope good days for you!! and I can respect how your feeling now. Hang in there..it gets better.

[SerenitysWave]

YES INDEED.... I actually screamed about it today, this morning...

yes indeedy.

I get tired of it, frustrated and want to rip out my hair sometimes. I think the thing that keeps me going most is knowing that there HAS to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

[mlyn]

It makes me angry cuz all I could ever do is freeze then I heard of many doing just the opposite. grrrrrrrrrr!!!!! yes I'm angry!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I were one of those who faught and yelled and screamed. Even got older in 20's and couldn't scream. grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! Is not right. why could I not when many said they did and could???? Yep I'm very angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At me mostly!!!!!!!!! Don't like dx's or any part of it all. yuk it sucks!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pita]

Freewill and mlyn
Don't be sorry you did not scream and especially don't be angry at yourselves because you did not scream. 2 things I know for sure. 1 - screaming probably would not have stopped the terrible things. 2 - screaming would have probably just gotten the stuffing beat out of you on top af all the other terrible things. I know - I screamed, I fought back as hard as I could and the only thing that got me was getting more smacked and hit in addtion to the terrible things. What happened to you was not your fault in anyway shape or form. Do not be angry at yourselves - you need to love yourself and be genty with yourself.

Thank you Pita.. as always.. a very caring response.. I did wonder.. you know.. I was always this very scared little girl . In my marriage, I was a scared woman.. though when I went to work.. I was this powerful person that made things happen.. that was respected..
Always such a huge difference between the two..

In my marriage and my childhood.. I learned to cry very silently.. tears running down my face.. so that it wouldn't make things worse.. sometimes the tears would have to be on the inside.. cause.. if they came to the outside.. dire consequences..

So thank you.. I will no longer wonder if screaming would have "saved" me..

[January]

I know this thread is intended for DD members, but I hope you won't mind if I post a reply.

I know what it is like to have to cry and make no noise. I know what it is to hide my tears as I grieve so much that I think I can't stand it and then grieve some more. I know what it's like to try to make myself invisible trying to avoid the abuse.

My heart breaks for all the children, teens and adults who have been and are still abused.

Jan

[mlyn]

wow thank you all! others do know. Thank you Jan! DD or not your words tell me you know. Am glad you are here.
(tears falling) Thank you for the start of this tread freewill!!!!!!! Thank you for letting me vent along with you!!!!
mln