Rage

I usually post in Personality Place, and my posting here may be scary to anybody who is in touch with vulnerable "littles" so I apologize in advance and have put a trigger icon on.

I was diagnosed several years ago with what was then DDNOS and PDNOS. I do not lose time but have two now mostly integrated "antisocial" parts/alters, one very narcissistic and one "malignant". They do not act out a lot, but they have IN THERAPY because that's the only way I can/could know what they feel and are like!

I have a good ability to keep them "turned off" -- also turned against me -- which I have recognized is not healthy and decided several years ago not to "off" myself because even it was "best" to get my toxicity out of the world, my daughter would pick up on the notion that what I did was "hurting" her and blame me entirely, which was not entirely accurate and therefore would not be good for her. Having me gone would be OK -- but not if that just gave her a reason to blame me inaccurately and more.

We are now doing pretty OK, she's decided she wants to (try to) accept me as I am. I'm also in a state where I'm working on being my "real" "authentic" mostly -- hopefully increasingly -- integrated self, so that's cool.

The problem I'm having is my rage at the mental health "system" which let me down over and over again as I'm now able to see. The last therapy ended in an impasse. I was in an "agitated" state and announced that when I came into the therapy. I could have left it at the door, but then what was the point of therapy? The therapist asked me what we could do about the fact that I was so frustrated and angry with her. I gave her what I thought was a good suggestion and she said, no that will take too long, we have to do something that will work for me, too. Since I had been trying to do things "her" way and everybody else's way for most of my whole life -- on the few occassions when I was in a relationship with anybody, that is -- that put me at my wit's end. I said "b. . ." and she got triggered (she later said) and shamed me.

I had worked for years to get "in touch" with those parts and then the therapist, a specialist in trauma and dissociation, shames me, just like my family did.

Can anybody here understand? My "activated" state did NOT have access to higher brain function at that point. I was working hard just to allow her to be! And then -- the therapist shames her, again!!!

When I got home my rational intelligence looked at the situation and now stands up for her. But I still feel very alone and unacceptable in the whole world because of this. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" boo-hoo. Well, I understand me some but being all alone in the world about that really, really sucks. I (RAGE, or me with my rage integrated) don't feel welcome -- maybe I'm not? If so, then back to taking myself out as a solution? Not that I'm considering that. Posting here is just the latest in my attempts to resolve some of this.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

I am angry also. I have read all the books on dissociative disorders. I also put myself in the Charter Hospital in Plano, Texas just so I could talk to patients who had a dissociative disorder and most of them had been diagnosed with DID. Not one of the mental health professionals that I paid since 1992 did this simple research to help me. As an engineer, I find this totally incompetent or corrupt.

I have a milder case of dissociative disorder. My case exhibits more like memory problems than extreme differences in personalities. My loved ones cannot tell the difference in personalities. All I needed was a competent mental health professional like Dr. Colin Ross, who understood the mental illness and help to stabilize me. I would still be a semi-functional human. Because of my childhood I will never be normal but with the support of someone like Dr. Ross I would have been able to maintain. But since 1992 I have not gotten to anyone who can help me. Eventually I had a total mental breakdown.

I feel the isolation that you feel. People seem to hate me but if they had witnessed what my family members did to me during my early childhood they would understand.

I understand your frustration completely!

thanks for letting us know what your diagnosis's from years ago are. I am sorry that what you feel you need to do in therapy is something your treatment provider is unable to do with you due to time constraints that the therapist is on.

this might help understand a bit of that... a few years back (2013) the USA transferred over to a new mental health system complete with new diagnostics, testing, and rules/ ethics, what can and cat be done during therapy. the down side of this is that sometimes treatment providers can't do some things that they have done in the past due to takes too long, that treatment approach is for long term treatment now, and other reasons out of the treatment providers and clients control.

heres a suggestion... take time to think about what you want to do, then break it down into more manageable steps. Example (using a non therapy related situation to show you what I mean) rather than talking about and learning how to sew a quilt, talk about and learn about threading the needle.

take what ever you want to do in therapy and pick one thing out of the whole thing you want to do. it may take longer to do what you want to do this way but at least the treatment provider will be able to work on that one aspect of what you want to do. then when that one thing is completed and if there is time pick another part of what you want to do... my point make your goals in therapy fit what you want to do but at the same time they fit what your treatment providers limitations are. in the end it gets done just not all at once.

I had a breakdown, too. Really, really sucks. May be getting better, but then the rage comes in -- it's not totally switched off anymore -- and I can't be a very likeable person when I'm grumpy and angry inside. I fake it as best I can, and have the cognitive control to keep the anger not expressing itself, and have learned a lot in the last year by venting here on PC.

I was a software engineer, math and science background, so to me it's incomprehensible, too, that the therapists don't do their own research, especially getting feedback from clients, so they know better where they failed. Instead, they mostly take that kind of feedback as a personal attack. And, of course, when the client is angry, there is an element of personal attack there, too. But if they don't/can't listen, then how can they learn? But maybe they don't see themselves in the business of learning, just "caring". As an engineer, that just don't compute!!

How are you doing now? Are you re-joining the world in some ways? That's mostly what I'm trying to work on now, but it's really, really tough.

i use to think it would be ok to give my ex-T feedback, that he would welcome it because in the end it would help him become a better T, to help him understand better. seems like i was wrong ..more times then not, ex-T took it as a criticism and he eventually would become defensive. unfortunately, my ex-T didn't want to hear or really acknowledge where therapy failed...

That kind of response, the inability to hear criticism, seems like a very unhealthy personality to me. Mine may have been unhealthy in other ways but not that.

Yes, for me just to be able to accept that. The anger comes because I was looking to them for help which they couldn't provide.

Thanks.

No. I am totally broken now. No rejoining for me.

I'm so sorry, Michael. .