[zoiecat]

Sorry, for the confusion. I am new to the whole dissociation thing. My T says I am fragmented. I occasionally hear voices and I occasionally feel childlike when dissociating. I am always aware though so I guess you would call this co-conscious. So far I am aware of Mean Voice who I think of as male, he has controlled my thoughts for longer than I can remember but after really pissing me off a little over a week ago has mostly disappeared except for this weekend when I have been consumed by dark thoughts. Glinda is named after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz, she is my Helper Voice. Little Me who is basically me around 10 or 11. She seems to be the one that is out most of the time when I am home alone and doesn't want to do adult self care stuff, then then there is Little Girl. She is around 6 and she took the worst physical abuse.

Maybe I am just in denial, but I can't stop thinking that this is all just in my head and I am making it all up. I am having a really hard time accepting this whole concept. How do you know if you are just crazy and making stuff up or if all of this is real? I plan on talking to my T again this week about it. He knows I am confused as hell. At first he said I was DID, when I said I don't have that he was like OK well there is a spectrum and you are more fragmented. Then when I told him last week that I choose to believe it is all just in my head, LOL, just my thoughts and not actually voices he agreed with that too saying everyone has parts of them that have different personalities per say. I am a bit pissed at him for always just agreeing with whatever I say. I plan on telling him that I wish he would just tell me what he really thinks and not just agree with me because obviously one of these statements if false either it is just my thoughts or not and I have lost trust in him for his comments of agreement. He does not know the full extent of what I listed above. I had mentioned the Little Girl but not really discussed her or my differentiation between the two Littles.

Any ideas?

I don't have any ideas, but I do wish you all the best.

I don't think you're, "making it up" as you put it

it's just overwelming for you.. it's a new experience, and it's a big thing to have to get used to

as for me, personally, no, I don't ever think about making it up.I do sometimes wonder (when i'm doing okay), I wonder if I ever had mental illness to begin with,

but then you realise that when you get worse again, it all comes back, yes, yes you do. this is your life.

I can't speak for everyone here, but i'm pretty sure i'm not the only person who has had those feelings

[TheDragon]

For years I made myself think it was just "alll in my head" or that there was nothing wrong with me. I coped by being in active denial and it worked for a while. I often miss that....

I've done a lot of reading on DID and it's not uncommon for people to feel like it isn't real.

Originally Posted by zoiecat

Sorry, for the confusion. I am new to the whole dissociation thing. My T says I am fragmented. I occasionally hear voices and I occasionally feel childlike when dissociating. I am always aware though so I guess you would call this co-conscious. So far I am aware of Mean Voice who I think of as male, he has controlled my thoughts for longer than I can remember but after really pissing me off a little over a week ago has mostly disappeared except for this weekend when I have been consumed by dark thoughts. Glinda is named after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz, she is my Helper Voice. Little Me who is basically me around 10 or 11. She seems to be the one that is out most of the time when I am home alone and doesn't want to do adult self care stuff, then then there is Little Girl. She is around 6 and she took the worst physical abuse.

Maybe I am just in denial, but I can't stop thinking that this is all just in my head and I am making it all up. I am having a really hard time accepting this whole concept. How do you know if you are just crazy and making stuff up or if all of this is real? I plan on talking to my T again this week about it. He knows I am confused as hell. At first he said I was DID, when I said I don't have that he was like OK well there is a spectrum and you are more fragmented. Then when I told him last week that I choose to believe it is all just in my head, LOL, just my thoughts and not actually voices he agreed with that too saying everyone has parts of them that have different personalities per say. I am a bit pissed at him for always just agreeing with whatever I say. I plan on telling him that I wish he would just tell me what he really thinks and not just agree with me because obviously one of these statements if false either it is just my thoughts or not and I have lost trust in him for his comments of agreement. He does not know the full extent of what I listed above. I had mentioned the Little Girl but not really discussed her or my differentiation between the two Littles.

Any ideas?

Plenty.

You must be DID because you are in denial! :P

This is what I figured to.

I'm somewhat aware too...co-con and able to talk to some of the Others. We discuss, vote, fight, harass, tell jokes,...all the stuff you would do with a group of friends. Sometimes they go blah blah blah and won't go quie to the point it's distracting and annoying.

We are fragmented to the max...so every part is equal in our head which means we really don't have an original...just a bunch of mains to take care of everyday life.

We have Others in here that are in denial, some on the fence, skeptical, or like I that believe beyond a shadow of a doubt (which is why I'm always the one on here).

Who wants to admit that they are nutz? :P

It took us a year to accept it...but there are clues you can see as personal proof. Being aware....the clues are there but went unnoticed (our normal), at least for me it was. We switch seamlessly and stay attentive that we never noticed it. Since our conscience stays aware (the lights never go out)...it stays present that kept us blind...if that makes any sense.

First off, switches are a clue. You say that you switch into a Little Me...case in point. The fact that they are named is another clue, and reality stays intact....no psychosis.

Another thing that we noticed are missing memories which equates to time loss. Being conscoiusly aware....it's hard to notice this because this is our normal ever since being a baby. I mean this isn't new to us....it's always been this way. I began to notice that I can't access memories say like those of the carpenter that work all day...I can't feel his essence....it's a blank spot missing. It makes me sick and gives me headaches trying to go there...I'm met with resistance...so I naturally don't and never did.

As a group...we tackle everyday life, so there is some memory retention...but when the Other is fully immerssed....it's all theirs...they are the captain of this ship.

We have a Minimalist that comes out and gives everything away to charity because she doesn't use it. Ever look for something to never find it as if it disappeared into thin air? She did it. Lol As I look around...all our knick knacks are gone....just a table, couch, chairs, t.v., lamp and fan...that's it. No clutter, no books, no pictures...totally generic looking. :/

Time. We experience time jumps because of missing memories. Hours, days, weeks, and some years. Thought it was Monday to find out that it was actually Thursday? For real. Or when you start something to all of a sudden to find yourself finished....and to find it done differently then you would have done it...
Ever feel like life is passing you by? We just heard Prince the purple one has been dead a year....I swore it's only been a few months so much that we stopped and was confused before we accepted the time loss.

We have a bunch of clothes that I would not wear. One side for guys and the other for girls. Shoes, sandals, work boots, and heels. Even this body is contoured for us as to what we individually desire. We fems get to defurr, clean up our edges, wear clear polish, jewelry...the guys finally got used to the ear rings and bracelets...like they have a choice.

Ever come too and find yourself driving somewhere for something, or in a grocery store with no idea what for? Our iPhone is our memory bank, our connect to living fluidly. Calender, reminders, lists, dates, appointments,...

Do you ever find handwritten notes that you didn't write but are somewhat familiar or in your private journal?

Sometimes we will switch and I can step back and watch an Other be present like I'm watching a movie. Talk about freaky.

These are some of the things that helped us to reach acceptance. Being labeled at first is unbelievable, but when I began noticing the proof in my life...it became blatant.

I hope that you and your Others can too soon enough...then recovery can happen. Good luck!

[L.P.]

I go back and forth with denial. No doubt. Right now I have no question I have this going on with me, but that's just not always the case. Oddly enough, or maybe not, when things go smooth for me it's easy to dismiss it as all in my head. When I get time chunks and, oh, large sums of money just gone, it's way harder for me to deny it. I also have pretty decent co con within my group of us (we are a a system that is kinda groups of separate groups) so it's easy for me to wonder when time seems to run smooth and steady and even when I'm half gone, I still know what happened a lot of the time. It can be helpful to have a decent grasp on time and what you are doing, but it doesn't help me much where denial is concerned. I forget now and then how much of life I forget. Heh. But then I get a reality check and yeah... anyhoo... yep. I do wonder sometimes if I am making it up. It's a hard thing to wrap your head around and then some. Wishing you well in this.

-V

[yagr]

This helps me - your mileage may vary:

I either have DID or I am making the whole thing up.

If I have DID, then I have suffered severe trauma.
If I don't have DID and I am making the whole thing up then I have almost certainly suffered severe trauma because really, I can't imagine a person making up alternate personalities who has not undergone severe trauma. I mean, if that seems like a good idea...

Since DID is a result of severe trauma...well, you do the math.

[dlantern]

The journey can be a great eye opening experience. Trust it.

Blah blah blah if you could read what the other wrote. If I didn't have DID, life wouldn't suuck.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by yagr

This helps me - your mileage may vary:

I either have DID or I am making the whole thing up.

If I have DID, then I have suffered severe trauma.
If I don't have DID and I am making the whole thing up then I have almost certainly suffered severe trauma because really, I can't imagine a person making up alternate personalities who has not undergone severe trauma. I mean, if that seems like a good idea...

Since DID is a result of severe trauma...well, you do the math.

A psychologist I worked with said something similar. She said that if I was in a state of mind where I was both making it up and pretending to doubt it (not to mention acting it out), it means something seriously needs to be addressed in my life, regardless of whether it's DID.

Both are along the same lines and well worth considering.

[kecanoe]

Yes, I sometimes do think I am making it all up. I think that is common for people with DID. It's unusual, it's misrepresented, it's well, just weird.

I think that perhaps what your t is doing is trying to help you figure out what you think about all of this. It is true that everybody has ego states that present differently to the world. Most people act differently at work than they do when they are with friends. Most people act differently around their elderly parents than they do with a new baby. So we all have roles and we all act/think at least a little differently when we are in different roles.

And then dissociation does exist on a spectrum. Everybody dissociates some. perhaps while driving, or forgetting what you just went in the house for. Some dissociate and just freeze up. Others can be triggered into an intensely angry or fearful state. Some switch parts when triggered.

So I think maybe t isn't 100% sure and is just trying to figure things out with you. I'd go ahead and tell him whatever you can about it. It doesn't seem to get easier to talk about until I start talking about it. And I figure not talking about it just drags things on and on.

[OliverB]

I wonder, but people who wonder doesn't make things
up. If you wonder it means thee experience it is true for you even if it is called desnos instead of did.

[Unsure97]

Originally Posted by TheDragon

A psychologist I worked with said something similar. She said that if I was in a state of mind where I was both making it up and pretending to doubt it (not to mention acting it out), it means something seriously needs to be addressed in my life, regardless of whether it's DID.

Both are along the same lines and well worth considering.

I'm not sure exactly how your conversation went with you and your Psychologist and your exact situation. But, it's surprising that she would say that. DID is a difficult thing to comprehend and it is very complex. It is understandable how a lot of people with it may feel like they are making it up, be in denial about it, or not even be aware that they have it. I know there are a lot of myths about DID and most people have judgments about it. It's difficult all the stigmas about mental illness. It is especially difficult with the ones caused from trauma. It definitely can be very isolating.

[Solnutty]

I've had some real struggles thinking I'm making it up. There are several things that I hold onto that help me. First, most of my feelings came from denial of my dx. If I was making it up, I could just stop and go back to the way things were before I knew about my parts. Then I wouldn't have to deal with them or the uncomfortable reality. Of course, that conclusion is false. Without accepting my parts I would just become less and less able to cope with my life and my feelings (and my memories, triggers, addictions, everything).
I would hear Yellow shout terrible things at me inside my thoughts and at one of the little ones, saying that all my ideas about parts were fiction and such. Really, she was just trying to maintain the ignorance I'd always had about them, which has been her role since, ever. My T talked to her and got to know her and explained how things are different now than they were in childhood, and how denial doesn't serve us anymore. It was pretty amazing how after that my thoughts and fears about making it up dropped to almost nothing.
Second, if I'm starting to think I'm making it up, so to speak, I tell my best friend, who knows several of us. She emphatically assures me that there is no way I am possibly making it up! And third I recall to mind some experiences I've had with switching that just can't be denied. Like when Ash, he's eight, came out in front of my friend's mom. She was having a rather involved conversation with me, when I noticed my friend's hamster in the cage right next to me. (Ash LOVES that hamster!) After I went home my friend called me and said that I stopped talking to her mid-sentence, picked up the hamster and went into the next room to play with it in genuine eight year old fashion! Her mom didn't know I had parts and was pretty weirded out by that. She was given a short explanation and loves me just the same. Another time, Ash switched forward in the middle of a conversation with said friend. I was co-conscious but without volition (I could watch what was going on but had no control). Ash knew he wasn't supposed to take over the conversation so he pretended to be me and did a terrible job at it. Friend said, "Is this Ash?" To which he replied, "Maaaaybeeeee."

[amandalouise]

from thedragon's post...
A psychologist I worked with said something similar. She said that if I was in a state of mind where I was both making it up and pretending to doubt it (not to mention acting it out), it means something seriously needs to be addressed in my life, regardless of whether it's DID.

I had a therapist say almost exactly this in a different discussion but then he added an example....

if I was talking to a friend and was both saying I'm a chef and also saying I dont think I could ever be a chef which one is true?

I just looked at him and he must have thought that I didnt understand him so he took it to another example people know since childhood how to play pretend and tell a lie and they know since childhood when they are doing it. he looks out the window and says the sky is blue but I can say to you the sky is green, I know I am pretending and there is no doubt that the sky is really blue. I am just pretending. Since I know the sky is really blue and am pretending its green can I doubt that its blue...when you are pretending you know what is real and isnt (reality testing here) so to say you doubt that the sky is blue cancels out the pretending its green when you know its blue...

another example people can pretend they like a food item that they already know that they hate it and also doubt that they hate it.

I told him I see his point I cant pretend I have DID and also doubt / question whether I have DID. I would not be pretending to have it if I doubted that I have it so where is the conflict in me...why am I saying maybe I am pretending when in the same instant I am doubting that I have it. people dont pretend to have a mental disorder if they dontt want to have it. as human beings we push away things we dont like, dont want...

turned out the conflict was in peer pressure.. I was being peer pressured / bullied into doubting my problem we were discussing and peer pressure/ accused of pretending with the problem that we were discussing. to please those doing the peer pressure I both denied/ doubted and said I was pretending. once my therapist reality testing activity pointed out doing both actually cancelled out each other I was able to see what was real in me and what was not real in me. I knew I was not pretending to have the problem, that the problem existed, that there was no making it up. for me, that was the one and only time I felt like I was crazy enough to make things up thanks to peer pressure. After that no matter the situation I used my reality testing skills to understand what was real or not. since very early childhood I grew up knowing how to play pretend so answering the question of if this for real am I pretending am I making this up was and is always easy for me to answer.

[Amyjay]

This question is not easy for me to answer. I don't believe I have Did. Sometimes other parts of me say and act like I do. I think they are pretending. I do not like it when I pretend I have Did because I don't. I wish I did not ever pretend to have Did and I wish it would stop. I don't know how to stop it because it keeps happening. It isn't about peer pressure. It just me trying to be normal or a real person. I AM normal and a real person. My therapist says I have did. I want to stop pretending that I do.