hi

I've been reading a lot on this board, but hadn't worked up the courage to post. I don't know where to start/if I should start/if I should even say anything. It feels like there's both too much and too little to say.

I was diagnosed with DID 10 years ago, but I don't have DID, and being diagnosed just made my symptoms all worse. Then the psychiatrist who diagnosed me tried to keep me from getting a job out of college because of DID. But he didn't succeed and I never spoke about DID or anything like it again for 10 years.

I don't have DID, because I don't lose time day to day like (I just have big gaping holes in my past) or have parts with different names and identities. But it's not that simple, and I still don't know what's safe to talk about.

Reading through here, everyone just talks about it so freely. With all this understanding about how "your system works," and I just can't even look at mine. (even saying that - mine - feels so unsafe like I should delete it and run...I don't know.) Group T has asked for ages, and I can't even look to tell her ages. I just can't. it would make it too real too defined.

Sorry. rambling in different directions.

After 10 years I've just breached the topic of parts with a new therapist and a Group therapist, and it's chaos. I can't tell if the Ts believe me (they say they do, they look like they do I think, but they don't know everything, I haven't told them everything I keep it as 'normal' as I can)... or think I'm making everything up for attention. I can't figure out what's safe to talk about, what's real, what I might accidentally be making up without knowing because I think that might happen. I'm always afraid people will think I'm making things up for attention. Always.

I guess I'm just saying I don't know what to do. I'm envious of how freely some of you talk about this. But I also feel like my hands are tied. I can't just decide to talk. And maybe it's safest not to. I feel like an imposter here already. I'm scared you guys won't believe me and will think I'm making it up too. Always always that fear always.

so just... hi.

if this was me the first thing I would do is get re tested. 10 years is a long time and diagnostics have changed. what was called DID 10 years ago is not whats called DID today. short version america went through major changes in mental health care, diagnostics and tests 4 years ago.

let me give you a small example of this change... there is now a new dissociative disorder for people who do not lose time. its called OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder.) my point right there you would not have to worry about being called DID. you would be right in not having DID.

I talk freely about my system because I learned in therapy about me and my system. I am now whats called integrated. thats when all my alters and I became one whole person again. as a result of many years of therapy and this integration everything that my alters were is now me. my point give it some time, it takes time to be able to understand how and who you are and be able to talk about it freely.

the key to knowing whats safe to talk about is just follow your gut, your feelings, if it doesnt feel safe to talk about then dont when something feels safe to talk about do. think of it like talking to your best friend, you just know whether you would say something to your friend or not say something to your friend about what every you are talking about. well talking about dissociation is the same way you will know when its safe for you to say something and when it isnt. its just a how the brain and making our own decisions works kind of thing. like deciding to have a drink of water or having a cup of coffee or having milk. just listen to what you want and need and then you will know what to talk about. (heres a great example you have 810 posts, how did you know to post those, talking freely about dissociation works the same way, maybe you can reread your posts and they can help you to remember how you were able to do, talk about those things you put in those posts freely)

as for what to do now... you just keep following what ever your treatment providers tell you to do. they are the ones in the best position to help you with any mental problems you may be having, they are the ones that are treating you.

us not believing you... well lets put it this way.... in real life do you believe everything someone tells you, of course not right, you use your best judgement and decide for your self what you like and dont like, what you believe and dont believe. well you have been on psych central for a while now so you know that psych central is a little different than real life, we cant say to someone we dont believe them and all that stuff. instead we choose who we want to reply to and who we dont, who we want on our friends list and so on, but we never tell someone something like we dont believe them, we have to accept that what they post is what is real for that person who posted it. its that simple. if you get any unsupportive replies you probably already know this but I will remind you incase you have forgotten.. just click on the report button on the post that someone has said they didnt believe you and then the moderators will take it from there.

hi.

you did a good thing by reaching out on here and posting.

let me tell you: their's nothing at all to feel unsafe about. all of us here undderstand, and none of us are going to say you're making it up or lying.

plus, what you need to remember is, each did system is diffrent

just because someone says, for example: all the parts are the same gender, that's not the same for everyone- you can have the diffrent genders, and even non human parts of yourself.

do you know how many parts you have?

if it feels safer, maybe just read right now- and comment on things you can relate to

but we are here when ever you need us- for when ever you want to talk about it

Hello toomanycats. I can see how conflicted you feel about this DID stuff and I can see why. It was courageous of you to post here especially with that imposter stuff hanging around.
This board isn't just for people with DID although most of the people that post here somewhat regularly seem to have DID. But this board is for people with any kind of dissociative disorder and it seems you would definitely fit into that category DID or not, so you genuinely really and legitimately belong on this board and are not an imposter at all.
Dissociative stuff is hard to figure out, well, because it's dissociated. (Not real, not mine, far away, doesn't belong to me etc). One thing you can be sure of is that the challenge is real!
Welcome.

I talk about DID and my system way more freely here than IRL. I do talk to my Ts about it, but there is some stuff that I still leave unsaid. This is a good place to practice and to put ideas out that you are not sure that you can say aloud yet.

So, welcome. I think you will find most people here are willing to accept that things are however you say they are. I also have wondered if I am making things up for attention and have been afraid that I won't be believed. I think that is a common experience for folks with dissociative disorders.

Thank you all for responding. I'm going to respond to each of you individually below.

Amanda
Thank you for all of the information. I'm not really interested in being re-evaluated or diagnosed with anything on the dissociative spectrum. I can't imagine that it would do me much good, but I know that it can do harm as it has in the past. I am working with a psychiatrist, but he knows nothing about any of this, nor do I plan to ever tell him. He prescribes me meds, that's it.

I'm very familiar with the DSM V diagnostic criteria, and I have a general idea where I fit on the spectrum. I sort of 'waved my hand' over Group T's chart to show where I believed I fell, and she nodded, and that's enough for me.

Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey with me. I know about integration, but I guess I've no real concept as to what that looks/feels like. My T says everyone has parts of themselves, so I wouldn't anticipate that going away. He says something like...'some people, due to trauma, have far more separation between them.' (I can't really remember what he said, but it was something normalizing like that.) All I can really say is that I don't experience the parts of myself as being parts of me. I experience them as being 'additional to me' ... 'other than me.' And yet, I logically understand they are also all technically 'me.' I've no idea if that makes any sense to anyone else, but that's me.

Shattered Sanity
This is where I get really anxious that I must be making this up, because I can't answer so many questions...
Am I supposed to know how many parts there are? If I fit on the dissociative spectrum, would I know?
Ages? Genders? What they look like?

Group T has asked this before -- the age of one part. I told her I didn't know, but it's more like I'm too scared to know. I'm too scared to look.

When I was diagnosed with DID, everything became more defined. Clearly defined. There were names, genders, appearances, and it feels ridiculous now (to be clear NOT because I think DID is ridiculous, I don't, I fully believe in DID...but because I think it's ridiculous for me to think I have it. I must have made all of that up with that psychiatrist, and it's mortifying. Obviously, if it was real, it would still be real and I would still know, right? DID isn't something you can just repress from yourself...).

In truth, I don't remember how I went from a so clearly defined inner world to such a carefully controlled and concealed one (parts of it even from me). It just 'is' that way now. And it all feels like all of the above must have been fake now.

But I'm bouncing around the truth, which is that part of me wants to look...to work with my therapist to really look (again?)...but, in order to do so, if I even should or can...I need him to tell me about a million times that he believes me and that this is ok... that it'll be ok... because it doesn't feel safe... and, honestly, I can't just decide to look. There are things I can't see or know -- not by my own will alone... it's like my brain won't go there...

Amyjay
Thank you for so directly telling me that I belong here. And for validating that this is hard to figure out. I feel like I should know... like the fact that I can't answer the questions, don't understand, don't just know everything about how I work is proof that I must just be making it all up. Truly, I don't know. I'm hoping some people here can share what it means that I can't 'see' or hear or sense everything...

I don't know how I function...but I do function, and I think I function well...I'm really good at my job...I'm married, I'm a mom...I'm a good mom, I think.

kecanoe
Thank you for sharing that you struggle with the same fears...that is very helpful...I thought that those fears must be proof that I WAS making it up...

":

Am I supposed to know how many parts there are? If I fit on the dissociative spectrum, would I know?
Ages? Genders? What they look like?

you don't have to know, to fit in this category.

I always thought I had 16 parts, but now I know I have more, and one of them I don't even know how old she is

it depends on the person.. some people know a lot about their insiders, others, not so much- and if the latter, that's nothing to be ashamed of. it just means that that's where you are in your recovery and understanding.

I mean.. would you like to?

have you ever been curious about your insiders or how many you might have?

I hope it's ok that I'm copy/pasting this from my own 'journals' so to speak, but it accurately answers this question...

I said this above too, but, the truth is that part of me does want to 'look'... (I'm hoping you can somewhat understand what I mean by that). But I'm hung up on whether it's OK for me to 'look,' and, if I do, whether what I 'see' will be believable or if it'll all just be made up. Plus, another part of me is absolutely against 'looking' again -- it feels like to 'look' would 'make things worse' because things might get clearly defined again, and that feels like it must be 'fake' because wouldn't they already be clearly defined if it was real?

And, the amount of talking about this stuff that's already happened already seems to have ripped some of my control away (and I think I must've worked very very hard to get that control). I'm saying more than the control is ever supposed to allow, and the more I say, the more real it all seems to get, and the more that slips through the cracks in my own brain, causing me to 'see' things about my inner world/system/whatever that I don't know if I can trust to be real or if it's all a big projection and it's happening because I'm 'letting myself make it up again.'

First, I wanted to also add a congrats. To say speaking up is difficult is an understatement, but you did it so woo hoo Courage, you got that. I hope to that you can keep coming around and get to feeling more and more comfy here. I have a hunch most of us (I know I have) can relate to feeling like an impostor. I think it comes with the dissociative territory, regardless of where you fit on the spectrum. I guess the same could be said for worrying that people will think you are making stuff up. I've worried about that myself over the years. And I will probably do it again in the future.

Hope you don't mind, but I kinda wanted to speak on some replies you gave to others here... quote bracket thingies, don't fail me now...

^ Yep. I have been viewing myself/selves as that for some time now. It's a weird thing, huh? Some days that concept makes nothing but sense, other days it makes my brain hurt while I try to wrap my head around the idea, but yeah. Makes total sense to me.

You know, when I first got the DID dx, however many years ago now, it was like the freakin flood gates popped open. There were all these people showing up everywhere and the versions of me I was back then were all hyper motivated to work together, learn about all of us, and all that was inside and just yeah hyper motivated. Now... eh. It's not that I don't care, it just doesn't seem as relevant or important. At least not in the same way it was then. I kinda look on it like that was where I needed to be back then. Since then I have grown and changed and priorities have done the same. Just in a different place is all. And as important and as much 'everything' as that was back then, it seems like someone else's reality now. i dunno. Not trying to say that is what's going on with you or anything, just figured I'd mention it as I can relate as much as I am able.

One more thing before I hush up, I have been known to be the sporadic queen of denial. It's complicated why I do that, but I do it. Anyway, one thing I find helpful is telling myself that even if my brain is for whatever reason making stuff up, it's for a reason, and for me that reason is because it is what I need to be thinking in order to process/deal with some things I need to come to terms with. You know? Like there is something going on with me, and this is how my mind is choosing to understand so I can deal and move forward, and hopefully be a better off person at the end of the ordeal. Regardless of whether or not I accept a thing to be literally real, it's importance to me is certainly real and that means the world to me. And I have no idea if that made any sense or not. Eh.

Well, welcome again and I hope you find this place to be something positive for you. There's some good folks here, my thoughts anyhow.

-Avery

Thank you so much, LP

I imagine it's impossible to avoid flood gates opening up upon learning this sort of thing. I guess I just feel like... idk. I had words to put here, they've left me now.

Your comments about not worrying about the literal realness of things sounds so much like my therapist, heh. Maybe you're right. All diagnoses, literal reality, etc. aside - for whatever reason, my brain is wanting to approach the work I'm doing in therapy (this is what is bringing this back up again -- trying to do this new work I'm doing) in 'parts' that are 'other than me' with different 'realities' and perspectives and completely different feelings, thoughts, values, etc. about everything. Maybe that's all I need to 'worry' about -- not proof that it's 'real,' but just that it's the way my brain is doing it, like it or not.

I don't much care if or how I'm functioning in parts all the time, because I function well, however I do it. Maybe I don't even really need to understand that bit of it. The only place this is actually causing me agony is in my therapy.

Hm. Just realizing that as I type it...
It's carrying over into my daily life and impacting my functioning right now, but that's only happening because of what I'm doing in therapy.
And, I decided to do this work, because I think it will be helpful to me in the long run. So, as long as I choose to do this work, it's bound to stir things up.
Maybe the only place/thing I (we? ugh that feels awful) need to 'come together' on is the therapy work. Because the rest is already functioning fine, however it's handled... (OK a couple of maladaptive things that are not related to therapy work, but I'm hoping the therapy work will resolve those 'symptoms.')

I feel some relief at this idea... that it doesn't matter if it's literally real -- that my brain has chosen to approach this stuff in 'parts' is real enough...

Besides which, how on earth would I define this sort of thing as 'literally real?' Am I seeking proof that I am literally multiple people - as in, like, fully developed people who were once literally separate physical people with different bodies and lives somehow wound up magically sharing a brain and body?? (I kind of think that's what one part of me has decided is what would need to be real in order for any of this to be 'real.') Of course I can never meet that standard, so it would never believe it was real...

a lot to think about.