Maybe I'm Not Able to Hide It

I've operated on the assumption that other people can't tell that I have a dissociative disorder. I work a full-time job and take care of responsibilities. Sure, I have an awful memory, and I have a horrible sense of direction when I drive. And people probably see that I'm an emotionally sensitive person. But I have thought that this is ALL that they know about me.

Now that my t has told me I have DID, some of the things my husband has told me in the past are starting to make sense. Like how some people misread me easily, and how I seem different at different times. I've been looking back at my life and realizing that even though most people would probably say I was a compassionate, nice person, others have thought me to be stuck up or worse. I've been blamed at times by close friends or family for thoughts or motives I don't have. I've always wondered why it's so hard for people to understand me. I've also wondered why, if people generally like me, nobody seems to want to get to know me more than very superficially.

I'm starting to fear that maybe people have been seeing all along that I am dissociative. Maybe they have witnessed me saying and doing things that look confusing or contradictory. Maybe I seem "weird" on some level...enough so that people are cordial, but not friendly. My dad even called me a good actress once when I was telling him how I honestly felt. My husband says he thinks sometimes I don't actually know what I feel, but the truth comes out in my actions.

I'm sorry for rambling...I'm just starting to feel scared knowing that there's probably more wrong with me than I realized, and that other people might see it too.

your post makes lots of sense to me, and I have had the same thoughts, questions after I was diagnosed. what helped me was that my treatment providers told me everything that was happening to me in the present was the same things that have always been happening. even if I didnt have a mental disorder others around me others around me would notice normal things, normal range differences, then she gave me a homework assignment.... to watch others, go somewhere public and notice how often people tell each other things like..... that was strange or weird, or boy your memory is bad today, or in general misreading each other is happening. After I did that I realized what people were seeing in me as strange, weird, or confusions/ misreading/ not understanding something I was saying or doing was just people being normal people and they really didnt notice I had did. they may have noticed my switching but to them I was just how ever I normally was. I mean it wasnt like I just one day out of the blue I sat on a sofa holding a blanket and eating a peanutbutter jelly sandwich right after eating a full meal, or I didnt just suddenly one day out of the blue change my clothing 5 times, or just one day out of the blue switch from talking like an adult to talking like a child. whether I knew it or not I had DID from the moment of the first alter who came into being before I was 5 years old. to people outside me thats what they saw everything that I was from before I was 5 all the way up into adulthood.

what changed was just my perception ......After..... diagnosis. and in some people in my life their own perceptions changed .....After ..... they were told I had DID.

I remember this one friend in my life, I thought lets see what she thinks. I told her about my having DID. from that moment on she was constantly saying things like so when we did this that was a switch right, or when we were doing this and I thought you were a bit weird it was that right. I did something to her one day. I took two glasses of water both water nothing else in it. first I handed her one glass and said tell me what you think of this water. her answer tastes like water. I picked up the other glass of water drawn from the same bottle of filtered water as the first one and said try this its lemon water what do you think. even though they were both one and the same, poured from the same bottle of water she said the second one was a bit sour and citrus-y. I said are you sure you are tasting lemon in it. she said yes. I showed her the bottle that I had poured both glasses of plain water from. she said wait what happened. I said power or suggestion, you now know I have DID so you are going through our lives together and through the power of suggestion thinking you saw this and that in me. before i told you did you think anything was strange, weird, her answer no and I told her politely to stop it. I am the same as I have always been, theres just a name on how I have always been.

after that she didnt try and dissect my life trying to notice when i was weird or strange. the fun side of this was as I was going through therapy and healing and integration people noticed I was changing and wanted me to go back to normal, they thought how I was after integration was my being weird/ strange and noticing differences.

my suggestion is dont worry about what others think or say now that they know you are DID. you are how ever you are and how you needed to be in order to survive.

I always thought I hid it well. But when I finally told my sister, who is the only one in the family who knows I have DID, she said. “ i always knew you had something like that.” turns out she could tell when we switched, and could tell when she was hanging out with the inside kids

My brother says im a good actress too. I am SO on edge around him, i have to say im surprised he said that. What part does he think is acting? Or rather, when? Idk.

I think other people know or notice some things about me, like I really have a terrible memory, and there will be things that I contradict a lot. (Such as today - at work I found out a group decision had been made, but I am very opposed to this decision, but when I protested and asked why I wasn't given an opportunity to give my opinion I was told I did and I agreed. I went back and checked in the minutes of the meeting and sure enough "I" agreed along with everyone else. (I don't agree at all!! I very strongly oppose this decision!! Can we please do that meeting again with ME present?)) People know these things about me. It is just a part of me and my workmates have to put up with it. But they wouldn't ever think that I have a dissociative disorder, I am sure. I am just that scatterbrain that forgets things all the time. Luckily I am very good at my job, which makes up for my shortfalls.

Over all I tend to think that DID is much bigger on the inside.

Amandalouise,

Thanks for sharing everything that you did. I liked the way you used the two water glasses to make a point with your friend. That was pretty creative of you! Thanks also for reassuring me that I haven't suddenly changed ... I am still the same person I have always been. I just have a diagnosis now. I have not told people I have DID. Only my husband knows.

I probably will never tell a friend because I had an absolutely terrible experience opening up to a friend when I was struck with clinical depression. She offered to listen to me and try to help me. I told her too many personal details, and she got way too involved in my life. Eventually, when I didn't make the sort of personal changes she felt were necessary to resolve my depression, she got angry at me and basically ripped apart my whole sense of being a worthy or good person, and cut me totally out of her life.

Looking back, I think she may have begun to witness me switching from one part of myself to another part. She told me I was wishy-washy and exaggerated situations. At the time, I didn't know what she meant or why she said that. But now, I realize that I went back and forth between one part of me that viewed my depression and life circumstances one way, and another part of me that felt completely different about what was causing the depression and what I should do. I was being wishy-washy, and she got angry and frustrated at my inability to make up my mind and do something about it.

Sadly, she wasn't able to understand my actions as being a dissociative switching. She thought I was being intentionally wishy washy, deceptive, and dramatic. I was just starting to learn in therapy that I had different parts, and I tried to explain that to her, but I guess she didn't believe it. At the time, she was reading a book by M. Scott Peck called "People of the Lie." It wasn't until after she dumped me that I investigated the book and found out that he attributes some types of mental illness with evil or demonic spirits. Now, it makes even more sense to me why she decided I must be a bad person. We are both very religious and were in the same congregation. So just as I was learning that I was dissociative and had parts of myself, she was decided I was evil and dumped me as a friend.

It took me several years to get over the pain from what happened, and since then, I have not made any close friends other than one person that I regularly email.

So no, I don't believe I will ever be able to take a chance again on telling anybody my deep, dark secrets..especially about having DID.

I'm so glad for you that you have a friend who was able to learn and understand what you are going through, and who supports you. That is a wonderful thing.

That's interesting that your sister had noticed something even before you told her.

Unaluna,

Do you think they sense that we are "on edge" with them, and they misinterpret our feeling uneasy or on guard as pretending?

Thanks for your insights, AmyJay. I agree that most people would only notice that I am sensitive, forgetful, and visually unaware of things around me. They probably wonder why, but would not suspect a mental disorder. Then again, if I were to become a close friend with someone, they would probably notice more and more about me that was strange. That's why I keep almost all of my friendships as superficial acquaintances. It's sad to me because it feels hollow and rather meaningless. But I've been hurt too many times in the past, and I have to protect myself now if I want to survive.

Wow.. Thanks for this. I'm going to have to take some time to digest that lesson.

The water glass illustration also makes me realize the value of not sharing my diagnosis, or keeping it private. It's an answer to a question that's been on my mind recently.

My oh my I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's a fear of mine. I'm quite religious and I have observed that it is easier for people to assume some judgement about mental health struggles than to take the time and effort to understand. That goes for non-religious people too. I have one friend who knows my parts and she has the ability to trust me and listen even when she can't fathom what is going on inside my head (also very religious). I have friends I will never tell, and others I might tell someday, because they are gentle listeners like my one close friend who actually knows me. It's nice to talk to someone who can see the good things that have happened since my diagnosis from a religious perspective and remind me of those good things. It's grounding and encouraging.

Yes, people see me as scatterbrained, awkward, quirky, odd, but generally intelligent. I notice when people kind of "step back" from me in social situations, and I can only guess it's because I came off as a little weird. (One of my alters is always perceived as outgoing, cheerful, and she does social situations very well...so people think I'm having a really good day or something.) I used to be perceived as emotionally sensitive but not so much anymore. I think I go through fewer emotional swings than I used to, or maybe it's that I just have more time to myself (I can be emotional without anyone to see).
I don't think anyone would suspect DID. Just run of the mill odd.

So many posts on my part...I'm enjoying this thread.
I've had people close to me assume some of my err...presentations of myself are the "real" me and others are "fake" (fake is probably too strong a word). Like my cousin gave me the advice that I don't need to wear so much makeup on my eyes, and what she was implying was that the "makeup wearing wanting to be pretty and feminine" presentation of me is not the "real" me. I wish I could persuade her to understand that all my _very_ different presentations are the REAL me.

I dont know what he meant. It just felt insulting!

Absolutely. Been there. That is my life, except for the open discussion with people. No one in my life ever discussed with me their issues with me. I finally realized that there was something going on in my personal relationships that I was not privy to. No one gets close. I am not sure if this is me or them or my alters.

When I started this journey in 2011, I didn't know what to expect. I knew though that someone else has set the precedents on folks not being able to hide it. I have been lead to so many explainations on the journey especially with DID therapy. It is just one of those things you don't tell it unless there is no choice basically then you tell folks to stay out the way, make it easier, or some other way for the hooks and turn of the progression of the diseases. The medical community shows us this exactly you don't really know what to expect sometimes just the way it is.