[elevatedsoul]

is it dreaming when you go away into your mind about things happening or that might happen, or happened?

or having like scenarios running in your mind while you are there and not present in the physical sort or...?

rumination?

i think i have been having stronger (different) symptoms...

still functioning.. but not present either...

its so difficult and challenging, hurts my feelings as well...
but im trying to cope

the memory thing is bad... at work everyone notices... losing tools... forgetting orders... asking over and over what i was getting or what we are doing

i try to focus so hard, but maybe im just stressed... trying to fix too much... or pushing myself too hard, but i dont realize.
i just keep swiming... just keep "just doing it"

thinking its fine, its going to be fine, i am fine

but having sepparate feelings as well, in conflict.. like cognitive distortion...

what is happening?
who am i?
am i dreaming, or in a coma...
or how am i accomplishing things..

sigh, im sure the context is missing.. and what i am saying will not make propper sense and cause miscommunication...

cant wait to see the doctor...

[elevatedsoul]

I just want to make it stop 😭

[elevatedsoul]

I'm breaking.... again.. I can't do this....

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

I'm breaking.... again.. I can't do this....

then dont do this.... no Im not saying this to be mean. just that if you reread your posts you will notice the more you focus on your problems the more things bother you.

let me give you an example...

i recently had the flu. I was fine with having the flu..... I took my tamaflu, lots of bed rest, lots of fluids, my wife kept the household and children and I got served in bed my small meals in the form of snacks that I could keep down...

But

the moment I turned on the tv and heard all about how many affected in the worst ways with this flu epidemic america is going through this flu season, I started focusing on my flu. suddenly I felt worse, like I could not go on, when will this flu stop, omg Im having more and more problems with this on and on and on. soon I wasnt only worried and stressed out about the flu but also my mental and other physical health problems..finally I said to my wife and doctor I cant do this any more when is it going to stop

their answer ....

if you cant do it anymore then dont do it any more.

if focusing on your problems is causing you distress dont do it any more. go about your day like before you turned on the tv, leave the figuring things out alone.

sometimes doing nothing is what fixes problems not going all out stressing yourself out, trying to fix everything.

my wife removed the tv from the bedroom, and in its place were fun books......comedies, romance, sci fi.... nothing to do with my work, my mental or physical health problems. just back to basics, even some playdoh, coloring books....

with in a few hours I was back to feeling better mentally and physically.

now I am giving you the same great advice given to me........

when you feel like you cant do it anymore then dont do it. bottom line is when you are feeling this way honor that feeling.... its the brains way to say stop, stopping what ever you are doing right now because you are focusing on the wrong things....

go back to just working your new job, go back to how and what you were doing. if you reread your posts you will see where things started on the wrong track for you....

you went away to work, when you got back on here you had some great positive postings on how good things were going for you, but then your posts declined as you focused more on your problems.... now you are posting you cant do it any more....

so if you cant do it anymore then dont do it any more go back to seeing the positives and not focusing on the problems. your problems will take care of their self.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry, im trying to pull myself together before tomorrow morning for work..

scared

im kind of slipping..
back and forth from past present and future

i wont write a lot.. just dont wanna be alone right now because i HAVE to work...

dunno what to do anymore, think im in over my head...

[RubyRae]

I really like amandas reply.It's simple and to the point and I hope you take her suggestion.

I am having a real hard time responding to you when you do posts like these.It's hard to watch you do this to yourself over and over.

Stay focused on the good things you are doing and you will be fine elevatedsoul.

[Biteplate]

I struggle with dissociation/Madd. It consumes my life. But I have to try to avoid my triggers. Also my antipsychotic lessens some of the intensity.

[RubyRae]

What's Madd?

Are you still in therapy?I hope your therapist is helping you through all of this.

[L.P.]

Maladaptive daydreaming...hm. I call it head trippin. For me, that is a form of escape. I get stressed, discontent with life, something that is not ok, and I put on some headphones, kick back on my couch and throw myself into some other reality that I have created in my head. I might daydream about the past and right the perceived wrongs. I might concoct some thing that never happened so I can live some thing I feel I lack in the here and now (ie: a world where people give a damn about me and I am some competent human being). Whatever the daydream is, it is always one of the same ones over and over, with slight adjustments. I have a handful of them i do over and over. At my worst i do that for hours a day, reality outside my head is gone, and this can go on for months depending on how bad I am feeling in my life at the time. It's kinda like an addiction to me when I am at my worst with it. That is when it becomes maladaptive for me. Other times it is just a way for me to take pause and decompress and then I get up and can deal with life again feeling almost refreshed. For me it's a fine line because it is easy for me to get sucked up in that stuff.

It's not the same as dissociating for me. I choose to do that stuff. I pick the topic at hand and roll with it. I sometimes get confused about if it was a dream or real, but for me it's only because I can drop so much time into it, v/s living and engaging actual life that it kinda makes sense that i would, you know. Like, of course it would be my knee jerk reaction to wanna talk about that stuff if someone asks me what's going on, because that not reality is what I have going on. Had I been living life instead of living a dream, I would want to talk about life... if that makes any sense at all. But still, I know it's all in my head because I make it be there. I have no doubt my dissociative stuff makes it easier for me to hole up in my head and do that, but the two are different for me.

The dissociative stuff, I have no say in that, the things in my head just happen to me... they are not pleasant, not things I really want to be thinking about, there is no happy ending, no picking and choosing what makes me cry or angry. That stuff lives me. That stuff chooses me.

I said a lot and have zero clue if any of it made sense or was helpful. Sorry. Whatever it is that you have going on with you, I hope it gets figured out soon and that you can get to feeling better quickly.

-Avery

[Biteplate]

I do similar things with my daydreams. Listening to music is one of my triggers. It sends me deep into my worlds. I literally cannot listen to music. It sucks but I have to avoid it. Or I can only listen to music while I drive for some reason.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

What's Madd?

Are you still in therapy?I hope your therapist is helping you through all of this.

I realize by Madd you meant maladaptive daydreaming(at 1st I was thinking what does mothers against drunk driving have to do with this).

What are you daydreaming about mostly that you're having a hard time stopping?

Is it ruminating or daydreaming?

What exactly is it like for you?What happens when you are doing it?What exactly is it like for you when you dissociate?What's the difference in the two for you?

When I am daydreaming I choose what I want to think about.Many times it's how I wish my life would be,how I wish the people in my life would be.It's all elaborate fantasy.It becomes maladaptive for me when I prefer the fantasy over real life and become angry,irritable and miserable.Then I have to focus on the here and now and stop daydreaming.Maybe that's just fantasizing though,IDK.

When I dissociate,I just feel zoned out,numb and like a robot going through the motions. I won't lie,sometimes I like it.If I like it,I just go with it,if I don't then I do things that are grounding to help stop it. I know certain triggers and stressful situations make me dissociate. I know it's my minds way of saying hey this is too much to handle right now,time to go on autopilot.

[elevatedsoul]

thank yall

for me... i dont choose to do any of these things...

its like sort of drifting off to sleep, but not being asleep, like going inward to my own world..
i have flashbacks like that.. of stupid stuff, literally... but just triggering stuff i guess...

its all the time, i just want to make it stop..
its interrupting so much progress and making things really difficult and challenging.

for example if i get stuck on a conversation i had before with someone thats kind of hurting me some how... ill go through it over and over, recent events more so than past..but my memory is so bad i dont really remember the past...

but its like i can see the other persons and am interacting with them inside
but its bad because i cant focus because of stuff like this...
always drifting away i guess maybe never seeming present... or grounded?

but i dont even know what it means to be grounded now...
whats the opposite of being grounded?

what happens if you are not grounded?

i dont act out in anger in anyway form or fashion, its doesnt really exist in me... maybe some part of me.. but i just turn so much inward...

[elevatedsoul]

think ive been denying feelings and emotions... denying being bothered or upset.. struggling... just denying all of that so i can push through and make something good happen..

but its not intentional... i dont want to feel depressed all the time either, so its like.. if this stops... am i going to be suicidal again?
i dont even know who i am right now... i know my name, kinda my face, but im just not myself.
making all this stuff happen... and feeling so strange, strange feelings...

[RubyRae]

The flashbacks,part of your PTSD,are something you should be working on managing with your therapist.You can't stop them from happening but you can learn to manage them.On the other hand,if it's just thinking about the past rather than flashbacks(maybe that's what it is since you said it's stupid stuff?)then you can find ways to distract your thoughts.Or learn to just allow them to be there without getting caught up in them.

Getting stuck on conversations and obsessing and ruminating,finding ways to change your thoughts or letting it all go helps.That's so hard to do though. Two nights ago I was awake all night playing an argument over and over that I had with my husband.I just couldn't stop.What I should have done is meditated or imagined filling a bucket with all those thoughts and putting them away for another time.

It may seem like you have no control over your thoughts but with the help of your therapist or by reading threads about that kind of thing here at PC you can learn ways to help yourself with it.

My therapist suggested Seroquel to help my obsessive thoughts and rumination but I chose to learn ways to manage on my own.They don't always work but the more I practice the better I get at it.

It doesn't sound like either dissociation or maladaptive daydreaming to me.It sounds like obsessing and ruminating.I'm not a doctor though so be sure you talk to your therapist or pdoc about it.

[elevatedsoul]

I'm on way to doc now..
My therapist had an accident so I havnt seen her. For like a month. Hope she return soon.... I really am trying but I **** up too... need to take it slow...

I'm just Trying to get so much done coming from not getting anything done

I was on seroquel for a while.. it might of helped, maybe not.. but my memory is worse now... dunno if all the meds messed it up more...

[RubyRae]

I believe you when you say you're trying.Just keep trying and doing the best you can.Change isn't going to happen over night.It takes time,a long time.Look how long it took you to get where you are now,you can't expect instant change.

I have been using all the tools I have learnef for the past 8 years or so.I'm still not where I want or need to be.Sometimes it's disheartening and frustrating and I want to give up and sink into a deep depression over it.But I have to pull myself up and keep trudging forward.I have to focus on the good and the progress I have made,otherwise it can all take me down.

Look at you,you're working,something you said you couldn't do at all and didn't even want to try.Every day that you go is progress and also helping you learn to cope with your issues.You are doing so much better than you are giving yourself credit for.

How was your appointment?

[Biteplate]

I have flashbacks over every damn thing in my life. Like it could be an argument with a customer when I worked years ago and I still have flashbacks about it. For myself I have to find ways to distract myself and stop the thoughts in their tracks

[elevatedsoul]

I know..
Thank you

It was a good appointment... she rx vyvanse for adhd symptoms and was really happy that I'm doing well.

But I feel confused because I don't feel like I am doing well...

Been on full relapse.. hurting.
Rejection triggers me bad... I have figured that out last night..

Don't know why I need outside approval...
Guess because confidence in myself is so shakey..
Maybe I don't approve of my own self and look for someone outside to tell me that I am .. the good stuff

I'm feeling pretty bad.. giving up on someone I thought was a friend 😟

[RubyRae]

I hope your symptoms from being triggered pass soon for you.

Just keep hanging in there and take things as they come.

You ARE doing good,even if you may not feel you are.You're probably not good at thinking and feeling good about yourself.You probably have a hard time accepting good things because you're always waiting for and expecting things to go wrong.Am I right?