[Miryuiki]

I'm here for a loved one...

We are in a long distance relationship.. although, a month ago his alter broke it off with me and because I have BDP ( Borderline personality disorder), I had my own attack and only until now was I able to calm down and think logically...

But basically, a month and a half ago, my bf told me he had to give his ex a closure when she was in the country for an event where I was uncomfortable with it but gave in because he wanted to do so. Right before he was going to meet her, he got knocked on the head and robbed. Because I didn't know where he was the whole night, I had my own attack and led to us having a few cold fights where his alter told me that he never slept for a whole week because he was finding a way to patch things up with me. Right before he left, I got upset at night because I felt as if he may not actually love me and may still be in love with his ex... Only until recently did I recall his alter telling me that he lost his memories and that he recalls memories of his ex being his gf even though it was the past...
This new alter came the next day and I couldn't handle it because he didn't care for me, he didn't care for anyone and he just did whatever he wants to do which was to be with his ex as a friend and I don't know... It was messed up and I let my emotions get the best of me which allowed his alter to break up with me and said that he don't understand why his host would even want to be with me... I blamed myself and thought that if I never existed he wouldn't have to end up this way but now that I have a little more conscious, I just want to know if he will ever be back...

I talked to his alter a few days ago and he said that they haven't been talking to anyone and that the person I know is around but isn't who he is. He said that the him now is emotionless and heartless... I asked about the other alters because I remember one of his alters was with another one of my alter(?) but he told me that he shut off every other alter and that the host is all alone.. He said that he is making him depressed so that he would come back... I've been trying to find sources of how to help him but asides from being patient I don't know what else I can do... I really want him back and I really love him as a whole and every other alters he has... I blame myself for everything that has happened but I just really want to be happy with him... I asked his alter if me and him are really over and he said that he would love to say that there were no more chances but he could feel that the host still loves me... Would he come back... What can I do... I really just want to be with him but I can't because I'm miles away... Could someone give me some advice...

[Amyjay]

Hi and welcome.
Sure, advice I can do. I assume I am quite a bit older than you, and come from a different life point of view.
So here's my advice... neither of you are ready for a relationship. You have to work on you and he has to work on him. The relationship you currently have with each other sounds unstable at best. Sure, you can try to stay in a relationship with him but what will happen is more of the same. He is not stable (yet) and you are not stable (yet). Both of you will continue to bump up against hard places and triggers and react to one another reacting to one another. The moment of fun and true connection in there are lost in amongst all the hard and unfathomable bits.
So here's my advice: take time out to work on you. let him take time out to work on him. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.

[Miryuiki]

Amyjay,

Thank you... I actually have thought of that before and I guess in a way it is true... I have been working on myself but part of me wishes for him to be in my future... I guess I can't force this and I guess you are right about how relationships aren't supposed to be like this... But is it possible if I just stay and support him as a friend?

Yuki

[Miryuiki]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Hi and welcome.
Sure, advice I can do. I assume I am quite a bit older than you, and come from a different life point of view.
So here's my advice... neither of you are ready for a relationship. You have to work on you and he has to work on him. The relationship you currently have with each other sounds unstable at best. Sure, you can try to stay in a relationship with him but what will happen is more of the same. He is not stable (yet) and you are not stable (yet). Both of you will continue to bump up against hard places and triggers and react to one another reacting to one another. The moment of fun and true connection in there are lost in amongst all the hard and unfathomable bits.
So here's my advice: take time out to work on you. let him take time out to work on him. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.

Amyjay,

Thank you so much for what you have said... Thanks to that, I was able to come out and at least wake Yuki up for the moment... She knows that she isn't ready but its her usual self to sacrifice herself for someone else and I am actually glad to have finally hear something that in a way is needed for her to wake up. I'm trying to focus on helping her improve and get better which for now she has managed to calm down but I have a few questions if you would allow me to ask...

I'm trying to help her with self love, more like with us all but I don't know what is considered as self love... I've been taking care of this body but although I feel like I have been taking care of it, it still feels like I'm just surviving rather than living... A lot of us have in a way broke down with the recent events and I've been trying to find more time of us to be alone to recuperate but I don't know what else I can do to love myself more... Could you give me some ideas.. Sorry if it's too much to ask for...

Yumi

Hi Miryuiki, I hope it gets better for you.

I’ve often heard it said that you must love yourself before you can love others.

Self-love is more like being kind to oneself, not thinking negative thoughts against self; happy and confident with self; not physically abusive to self I.e.: hitting, drug abusing, prostituting...; accepting ones person for what they are; taking care of the body’s needs like cleaning, staying in shape, and grooming...

Love is not materialistic, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to treat oneself, like a spa bath, or a favorite desert, a massage, a nice outfit, going out for dinner every now and then.

Taking care of ones self as if it were another person that you cared for.

Self-love is accepting yourself for who you are.

Self-love is not self-centeredness, pride, and narcism.

As persons that had withstood great trauma and mental/emotional/physical abuse....self-Love is often a mystery that has to be practiced over and over.

I’m still trying to find that middle ground....but it’s hard to when you have other parts that hate the body. Good luck with this.

[Miryuiki]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hi Miryuiki, I hope it gets better for you.

I’ve often heard it said that you must love yourself before you can love others.

Self-love is more like being kind to oneself, not thinking negative thoughts against self; happy and confident with self; not physically abusive to self I.e.: hitting, drug abusing, prostituting...; accepting ones person for what they are; taking care of the body’s needs like cleaning, staying in shape, and grooming...

Love is not materialistic, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to treat oneself, like a spa bath, or a favorite desert, a massage, a nice outfit, going out for dinner every now and then.

Taking care of ones self as if it were another person that you cared for.

Self-love is accepting yourself for who you are.

Self-love is not self-centeredness, pride, and narcism.

As persons that had withstood great trauma and mental/emotional/physical abuse....self-Love is often a mystery that has to be practiced over and over.

I’m still trying to find that middle ground....but it’s hard to when you have other parts that hate the body. Good luck with this.

Thank you so much... I have been practicing those for a year now, and it's still hard because when I get in a relationship, be it as a couple or as a friend, I get really traumatized by the fear of abandonment.

I actually got to talk to his alter and told him what I wanted to tell him and thanks to the comment earlier, I realized that rather than putting him first and sacrificing myself for him, I should be more selfish and think more of myself first. Because like you said, if I don't love myself, I can't love anyone else. I know this logic yet it's so hard to practice it.

For now, I am in the good aura which is why I can be positive but I need to learn to take care of myself more during my dark moments... Which is rather hard because I don't know where to start and how to continue. Which makes me wander around on the internet for posts on self love, etc.. I really hope that I'd be able to love myself like how I want to love others... and accept myself for who I am... It's going to be hard but I need to try in order to be happy right?...

[downandlonely]

Good luck learning self love. It's something I'm still working on.

Are you in therapy by any chance?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Miryuiki

I'm here for a loved one...

We are in a long distance relationship.. although, a month ago his alter broke it off with me and because I have BDP ( Borderline personality disorder), I had my own attack and only until now was I able to calm down and think logically...

But basically, a month and a half ago, my bf told me he had to give his ex a closure when she was in the country for an event where I was uncomfortable with it but gave in because he wanted to do so. Right before he was going to meet her, he got knocked on the head and robbed. Because I didn't know where he was the whole night, I had my own attack and led to us having a few cold fights where his alter told me that he never slept for a whole week because he was finding a way to patch things up with me. Right before he left, I got upset at night because I felt as if he may not actually love me and may still be in love with his ex... Only until recently did I recall his alter telling me that he lost his memories and that he recalls memories of his ex being his gf even though it was the past...
This new alter came the next day and I couldn't handle it because he didn't care for me, he didn't care for anyone and he just did whatever he wants to do which was to be with his ex as a friend and I don't know... It was messed up and I let my emotions get the best of me which allowed his alter to break up with me and said that he don't understand why his host would even want to be with me... I blamed myself and thought that if I never existed he wouldn't have to end up this way but now that I have a little more conscious, I just want to know if he will ever be back...

I talked to his alter a few days ago and he said that they haven't been talking to anyone and that the person I know is around but isn't who he is. He said that the him now is emotionless and heartless... I asked about the other alters because I remember one of his alters was with another one of my alter(?) but he told me that he shut off every other alter and that the host is all alone.. He said that he is making him depressed so that he would come back... I've been trying to find sources of how to help him but asides from being patient I don't know what else I can do... I really want him back and I really love him as a whole and every other alters he has... I blame myself for everything that has happened but I just really want to be happy with him... I asked his alter if me and him are really over and he said that he would love to say that there were no more chances but he could feel that the host still loves me... Would he come back... What can I do... I really just want to be with him but I can't because I'm miles away... Could someone give me some advice...

long distance relationships are naturally hard. you dont get to see each other face to face as much as you want to, you dont get the closeness that being in the same room physically has, and misunderstandings naturally happens because each partner in the long distance relationship naturally goes through things that the other doesnt, not to mention no going on dates like to the restaurants, movie theaters, dancing and other things normally happens when two people are in a relationship.

Add to all the different confusing, questioning and wonderings about each other while not physically together. like did they flirt with someone else, did they do this or that with someone else. who is in that persons life when Im not, I wish I had gone to that event too....

Add to this two people with alternate personalities. being DID and taking care of one self is hard enough but trying to care for a second person with a mental disorder is the makings for a disaster sometimes. this one goes through their mental problems then that one and sometimes both end up having mental problems at the same time. when one isnt having problems they are too busy keeping their self on track that something ends up lacking where the relationship is, then the other has their problems which makes it so that they cant attend to the others problems in the most positive ways sometimes.

I could go on and on about long distance relationships and mental disorders. my wife and I both have jobs that require traveling, and we both have our respective mental and physical health challenges.

what Im saying is that its hard even under the best of situations. both persons in the relationship must be 100% percent committed to making the relationship work. If they arent a the relationship will not last whether or not its a long distance one or a face to face local one.

your post says he broke up with you.

it doesnt matter whether it was the alter or the host that did the breaking up, it happened. that the facts right that you and this other person are no longer a couple.

most couples regardless of mental disorders take time to grieve the lost relationship and then when they are ready they start seeing other people. and sometimes if it was meant to be, later on down the road those that have broke up, no longer a couple decide to start seeing each other again. start going out on dates again, and eventually start being intimate together again and in some very rare situations that I know of the newly re- coupled people marry and have a family together.

my suggestion is since you and this other person are no longer a couple, take time to grieve the loss of your relationship, find things that you like to do, see a mental health treatment provider for your own issues and mental disorders, become more healthy and stable in your own life with your own daily living and mental disorders. and move on in your life. then maybe someday when you are ready re enter the dating scene, take time to find out what you enjoy as a single person. (short and sweet you cant be good for another if you are not good with and for yourself)

maybe someday when this other person has more stability and more mentally healthy they too will be ready for re entering the dating scene, based on what they want out of life and intimacy / closeness with others.

then maybe some how some way your two more healthy and stable paths will cross and meet. and then you both can see whether you two want to re- couple, start sharing a not long distance life together.

hopefully I have answered all your questions of what to do, will he come back to you and others from your post. it was quite a long post.

[Miryuiki]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Good luck learning self love. It's something I'm still working on.

Are you in therapy by any chance?

Thank you.

Also, no.. I'm not in therapy...

Yuki

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Miryuiki

Thank you.

Also, no.. I'm not in therapy...

Yuki

I agree, good luck on learning self love.

I haven’t found therapy helpful either. The therapists had more “issues” than I do..ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

And weren’t particularly “nice” or even insightful human beings. Growl

[MickeyCheeky]

I wish you good luck with your self-discovery journey

[amandalouise]

I was re reading this thread and noticed something I didnt notice the first time I read your original post.....

you stated

Originally Posted by Miryuiki

I asked about the other alters because I remember one of his alters was with another one of my alter(?)

I was confused to why you placed a question mark and thought maybe you were not sure if your insiders were called alters. So I went back to your profile to read your ther posts to see if there was a clue for you as to what this is for you... here is what I found in your introduction post found in this thread https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...ml#post6293320

"I've a few alters whom I created... a little different from DID but my friends when I feel different emotions and after going through a traumatic experience with a loved one, I created a new alter called May... "

this told me that your insiders are what here in america is called "imaginary friends"

yes here in america this is different than having DID alters. this actually rules out many mental health diagnosis's including DID here where I am.

here where I am an imaginary friend is put in american psych terms is playing pretend, they imagine they have a friend and imagine what their friend is. sometimes when people imagine they have a friend that daydream and imagination of a friend gets really involved and detailed, and sometimes along the way they sometimes believe this imaginary friend is real.

how do I know this.... because I had an imaginary friend named Tinkerbell and one named princess. for a very long time these imaginary friends were so real to me that one of my treatment providers had trouble distinguishing my pretending to be Tinkerbell or Princess and my switching into alternate personalities with my dissociative disorders.

DID, dissociation and whats dissociative alters, what happens when a person switches into imaginary friends vs alters are now so defined and distinguishable that if I still had my imaginary friends my treatment providers would be able to know right away the difference.

my point is since you created these imaginary friends you can control them just by using your imagination the same way that you created them. if they are having problems with the fact that this real friend of yours has broken up with you and no longer wants to be a couple with you and your imaginary friends all you need to is do the same thing in how you created them to talk with them and explain to them how they were created and that they are your friends and not his date, lover any more.

[dlantern]

If you got DID, then the host if missing (use whisper) basically should be with the one that less than the first ones age......If it is 7 the host is hiding whole someone there, so your 6 yrs with dr your 5 yrs with dp 4 with dissociation and so forth and so on. Good luck with that explaination on that I've yet to understand. Everyone else of finding the goes with the dependent depressed one without any awareness....When I miss my host I utilize a picture and think of time when I had no awareness and tell them not to put themselves in the picture usually at most advance knowledge you can get on the topic.....I just accept what is just like having no original birth personality then I looo kto the generations and understand I was born into eating disorder depression unwanted pregnancies and all my generations developed on how dysfunctional things where before anything psychically happened like a crack baby.....There are phases and levels to anything you do in life

[dlantern]

Sometimes playing like you know there is a host just makes things easier until it is time to get technical again. So please develop a love for working without selves I tend to think most people on forums do so wellness is important....

[Fuzzybear]

Working without selves.. ....no wonder those “professionals” in this forest (irl) were and are what they are