[Susan27]

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone(s) out there can relate to this. I don't have DID but i definitely have a dissociative disorder (dissociative amesia and depersonalization I suspect) It's chronic and it's been going on for years now. I don't know exactly when my consciousness fragmented, but I'm sure it must've happened during those formative years when your sense of identity is developing and unfortunately, the defense mechanisms that saved me prevented me from fully integrating and for my entire life I've felt like I'm incomplete. Like I struggle for a solid sense of self.

I've been in therapy for 17 years now, and while it's helped i still struggle with this to varying degrees everyday of my life. There's this low grade depression, severe anxiety and like a fear of being alive, and i'm always "looking at myself" like a detached observor. I never feel happy or joy, always seems like there's this low grade depression that I live with on a continual basis.

When I'm left alone I get scared. I get scared anticipating somebody leaving me and scared each day when I am off to work and know I'll be on my own for the day. I think i'm scared because I'm not connected enough with myself to feel solid and comfortable with myself. I haven't quite figured it out yet because I'm always "in it"

I don't feel like I have a solid sense of self at all and it really affects my memory...both long and short term. And then it feels shocking because now that I'm 40 (ugh) when I try and look back at my life, it's all kinda fragmented and doesn't feel like it's been one consistent memory of a "me" but instead feels disjointed with many gaps in memory.

because i live so much of my life not fully connected to any true feelings..so much of it is fear...i am not able to retain my life "history" in a consistent way.

does any of this make sense? in all my years of therapy I've never come across anyone who really got it. I guess I'm hoping somebody on this site will.

Due to this disconnection with my memory, feelings, thoughts inside...i oftentimes feel scared or blank or apathetic like I'm "dead" inside. It's really disconcerting and painful to live life going through the motions but without a feeling of wholeness or togetherness.

I never know how I'm going to wake up. I can feel OK when I go to bed at night and then scared and disconnected or detached from myself (and everybody else) when I awake.

I don't know if I've done even a decent job of describing it but I just hope to God somebody knows what I'm talking about.

hellllp

sorry it was so long. guess i'm trying to articulate something that is hard to describe.

Susan

[Monty_girl]

Susan you did a wonderful job explaining. The low grade depression, understand, it's like some cosmic joke the rest of the world is not letting us in on and like you said "Dead inside". I can understand I've never been "Happy", I don't understand people and their emotions. In fact it scares me greatly to see people express emotions, good or bad.

I feel the same way Susan.

[dinosaurs]

I can hear your struggles and I can relate to what you've said.

I have very very few memories. Just a database of facts that I know to be true but don't feel connected to me. Even for present day events. It often feels like I only started to exist a few days ago. And at times I even question whether I do exist or not.

Having no history, let alone a continous history, really does have a big impact on your sense of self.

I'm sorry you struggle with this also. I hope you find a way out of the darkness.

[Susan27]

thank you both and for those who sent me the PM. I truly appreciate it knowing these symptoms aren't completely foreign. Even my psychiatrist doesn't get it...thankfully my T does.

[pachyderm]

You might take a look at some of the recent "mindfulness" messages on the Psychotherapy forum.

Susan I suffere with disassiative amnesia too, didn't even know til I started therapy a few months ago....I was abused sometimes under hypnosis, sometimes not, he messed with my mind so much and I cant remember lots of things, I too feel detached and struggle so much with depression and anxiety.....Sometimes it's like life is playing itself out and I'm just watching myself go through the motions.....you explain yourself much better than me...

I dont think I've ever been truly happy, I wear a mask a lot....put on this show of being bubbly to people irl.....underneath I hurt like hell and feel like it's getting worse....you say you've been i therapy for 17 years????I'm 43 and only just started proper intensive therapy, I hope you find good support here and I'm sure you can be a help to many too...
take care, a friend, Jinnyann xxxxx

[iamtwilight]

Definitely. Especially the unintegrated identity, the lack of "wholeness". I guess it's mainly part of DID but I know I don't have it.

But thanks for posting this. It was all very well articulated.

much strength to everyone in here. I've just come to realise how serious and painful dissociative disorders are, and that the strength needed to live with it is infinite.

[Perna]

Susan, what was your childhood like? I had breaks in my past like you described where there were breaks in my childhood. I was in therapy more often than not from 1970-2005, 18 years with the same therapist.

[Susan27]

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Monty_girl said:
The low grade depression, understand, it's like some cosmic joke the rest of the world is not letting us in on and like you said "Dead inside". I can understand I've never been "Happy", I don't understand people and their emotions.

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thanks monty_girl. you sound like you get it too. it's hard to feel dead or so removed that happiness just seems like a dreamm world you can never enter.

[Susan27]

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dinosaurs said:
I have very very few memories. Just a database of facts that I know to be true but don't feel connected to me. Even for present day events. It often feels like I only started to exist a few days ago. And at times I even question whether I do exist or not.

Having no history, let alone a continous history, really does have a big impact on your sense of self.


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thanks so much dinosaurs you too sound like you really relate and you phrased it exactly like it feels. this database of facts w/o feeling the meaning or feelings tied to it. i realize the dissociating began as a way to escape my childhood pain but it continues as a life long way of dealing, like a swith you can't turn off. i feel like i'm living 50 First Dates only with feeling. did you see that movie? it's not really the same thing but you get the idea.

[Susan27]

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pachyderm said:
You might take a look at some of the recent "mindfulness" messages on the Psychotherapy forum.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

thank you pachyderm. i definitely will do that.

[Susan27]

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jinnyann said:
I too feel detached and struggle so much with depression and anxiety.....Sometimes it's like life is playing itself out and I'm just watching myself go through the motions.
I dont think I've ever been truly happy, I wear a mask a lot....put on this show of being bubbly to people irl.....underneath I hurt like hell and feel like it's getting worse....

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thanks jinnyann so much. it does hurt like hell underneath doesn't it? i can't even fake bubbly anymore...that stopped a few years ago so i just wear it all over my face now. the disinterest, the apathy. i can't even fake it as it takes too much energy and i figure why bother. thanks so much for taking the time to reply and tell me that you can relate. it really helps.

[Susan27]

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Katie_Kaboom said:
Definitely. Especially the unintegrated identity, the lack of "wholeness". I guess it's mainly part of DID but I know I don't have it.


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you don't have it..DID you mean? i don't either but it's a wide spectrum from simple daydreaming to DID and i think these symptoms put me pretty high on that scale. not sure what makes it go on to become DID but from what I've learned, the healing route is the same. Those with DID are the people on this site that best seem to understand what i describe...well, from what they write anyway. thanks katie. it helps so much as i read these and have people actually write back about "getting it" when i describe the emptiness, disconnection and lack of wholeness.

[Susan27]

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Perna said:
Susan, what was your childhood like? I had breaks in my past like you described where there were breaks in my childhood. I was in therapy more often than not from 1970-2005, 18 years with the same therapist.

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Hi Perna. Thanks for responding. It was really a long term traumatic event. my dad had paranoid schitzoprenia from the time i was 3 and was in and out of mental hospitals during my lifetime. my mother was in severe anxiety and showed it in the form of being extremely distant and hurtful with me. they say the lack of being "seen" and the horror of the things i witnessed left me dissociating and then it just became a way of life i guess. with my mom, i was like here punching bag so to speak. no "bonding".

wow, 18 years with the same T...i really aren't alone in this i guess! thanks perna!!

[need2move4ward]

Hi Susan I'm not a pro, but I have gotten this too. Specifically when I did EMDR with a therapist and re-lived some trauma - probably all of it, and became very despondent, like a trance/daydreaming - but it was worse. My expressions can be blank, and not only until last year at a rehab, did a therpaist make that comment to me. I had to be stoic in my family growing up because my father was a raging alcoholic and the environment was unpredictable, and quite scary. I learned to practice "staying in the moment" Mindfulness, as somene said, is quite similar, or for me, not easy. I tend to daydream and go into a daze and reminisce about not so pleasant things. I held in my feelings of sadness for a long time - sometimes behind rage and anger, but now when I feel anxious - it means I need to cry, and when I am able to, I feel better. I have to be on meds for this stuff, (anxiety) because I haven't learned to handle it yet - I was getting there, but came back to live in the same environment it started from, I made a poor choice.

Not sure if this helped, but it's all I have that can help to relate.

[need2move4ward]

Forgot to add, I use a measuring stick to measure my identity--whether that's comparing myself to my peers i grew up with, or by another woman who is more attractive--I think this comes from the fact that my grandmother and my mother were both into looks and models---not always a plus for the offspring...