[turquoisesea]

I'm so confused, I guess looking for any guidance, from hugs, to advice... just anything.

Here's an excerpt from my blog... i think it says it all...

Sometimes I really wonder, does it really exist? Is Icy{note: Icy = another part of me, I think?} real? She’s barely been around? And is Kit {note: Kit=my little} REALLY there? I mean, I can bounce around and stuff to what if I”m imagining it? I can remember everything… if they’re really different why can I remember EVERYTHING?
But if they’re not there, why no control? Why ? I can’t control what I do, I do things I don’t want to do. I’m yelling at her, myself? WHAT? to stop doing whatever it is and can’t make it stop. Why can I remember if it’s someone else, why can’t i control if it’s not?
Why do I feel a protest inside as I write this? Why do I feel a voice yelling at me sometimes, saying that “want play” or “me here” or… telling me one way. But how can it be if I can remember, if i’m there, retain the memories… it just doesn’t fit.
But I’m not myself, it’s me but it’s not me

I don't know how to handle what's going on sometimes. I've tried to be as understanding of Kit as I can, to try to believe that it's there, trying to make her happy.

I've been trying to figure out why she's upset and how I can help. She keeps saying she's bad, I've had a few flashbacks to my mom yelling at me... things like that...

but I've not been abused, nothing like that. I remember the first time this kind of thing happening, a few months ago now. But I can REMEMBER EVERYTHING. So is it really happening?

I mean I remember EVERYTHING, at times it's minorly hazy but ... i REMEMBER EVERYTHING, so what's going on

I'm not sure I know how to handle this anymore...
????what's happening to me..?????.

confused, hurting, hugs plx?

[turquoisesea]

also... forgot to say this, I haven't approached this with my T, I mentioned it once but we didn't get into it and it's been happening more often now.

i don't know how to bring it up - and she's out of her office till next month anyways

[the1forgotten]

I can certainly give some support through hugs!

[Anirtak]

1,000,000,000,000,000... of these for you: I don't really know how to give you advice or support... I kind of know how you feel. I have a little part of me but I can mostly control it so I guess I am imagining it. I'm confused too. We can be confused together.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((turquoisesea))))))))))) Are you under more stress than usual? Sometimes this can make things worse. Maybe you can take her this post of what you wrote? Sometimes it's easier to take written word than to speak things out loud. In the meantime, hang in there and

((( hugs )))

I'm sorry you're having a lot of confusion. I know it's hard.

Have you considered that what you're describing might be your normal ego states under stress?

Here is some info that might (or not) fit. Just thought you (and others here) might find it interesting reading.

What are ego states?

According to Emmerson, "An ego state is one of a group of similar states, each distinguished by a particular role, mood and mental function, which when conscious assumes first person identity."

He goes on to say that ego states are a normal part of a healthy psyche and should not be confused with alters (multiple personalities in dissociative identity disorder). In his book he states that we all have ego states, but multiple personalities develop as an unconscious coping mechanism so that traumatic events can be forgotten from one day to the next.

Ego states start as defense coping mechanisms. With repetition they develop into compartmentalized sections of the personality that become executive (conscious and overt) when activated.

"Our unconscious contains our ego states that are not executive, and some ego states have not been executive for many years. They maintain their own memory and communicate with other ego states to a greater or lesser degree" (p. 3).

One could conceptualize ego states as mini-personalities or sub-personalities. What C.G. Jung called "feeling-toned complexes" are essentially these same phenomena.

Ego states are different from the alternate personalities exhibited by persons with multiple personality disorder (now known as dissociative identity disorder). Those alternate personalities are more markedly compartmentalized, separated by "amnesia barriers," and consequently more complex, having had to assume more functions.

Often DID/MPD patients experience total dissociative amnesia ("missing time") for periods when their "alters" are in the executive. One might say that all alternate personalities are ego states, but not all ego states are alters.

Ego State Therapy by Gordon Emmerson PhD ©
Here's a pretty good review of the book.

http://www.mindandbodyhealthmatters....e-therapy.html

[DianasClan]

I dont know what advice to offer other then I agree with what wanttoheal said.

Are you under more stress than usual? Sometimes this can make things worse. Maybe you can take her this post of what you wrote? Sometimes it's easier to take written word than to speak things out loud. In the meantime, hang in there

When I am stressed things deffinately get worse. I have lost alot of time lately due to stress over money. I can offer hugs.


Diana

[turquoisesea]

thanks so much everyone...
blossom, what you said about the ego states does fit, it's just confusing because I feel so out of control, and because the parts can be so pushy. they do things I, ME , don't want to do, an I can argue away at them but they do it anyways, and when I'm here they'll even seem to yell at me to do something else... it's just been confusing,

all the hugs, all the info so much appreciated - especially tonight, cuz I had an... interesting night, haven't been able to sleep because everytime I start to get to sleep another part starts to take over, or another part gets scared of the bads parts in side us.

thank you everyone for understanding, and loads of hugs

[Hunny]

turquoisesea,



Ice

[Zorah]

{{{{{{{{{{tsea}}}}}}}}}}
don't let them make you doubt your reality

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Zorah

{{{{{{{{{{tsea}}}}}}}}}}
don't let them make you doubt your reality

that means alot... sometimes I doubt them...
and I get so down, and feel so useless sometimes, ... that does mean a lot


ooo and dianas clan, as far as stress it's up and down, I'm on medical leave of absence for major depressive disorder, so have very little to do but I still manage to stress myself out

[PLEASE_STOP]

Hi turquoisesea. I'm new here, please except my hug to you. Nobody should have to suffer!

[SongBirdandDaisy]

I'm sorry I couldn't read but I don't want you to be alone so I am sending hugs.

[nowheretorun]

(((turqouise))))))

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((Prettycolorsea)))))))))))))))
=)owlet

[turquoisesea]

*hugs everyone back*

thanks so much for the support everyone

[iamtwilight]

((((turquoise))))

hope your day is better today

[DianasClan]

Sometimes it is when we dont have alot to stress about that we get the most stressed out. Like if I take too much time off work to relax. I get stressed about money. which is really not a problem cuz i get paid time off called annual leave. but that doesnt keep me from stressing.

hugs to you

Diana

[turquoisesea]

Sometimes it is when we dont have alot to stress about that we get the most stressed out. Like if I take too much time off work to relax. I get stressed about money

That's a really good point.
There's so much time to get trigged by something - get upset...
It's so easy not to get out doing something happy

and money x.x *need job*

[multipixie9]

dear turquoisesea,

i went through incredible turmoil at times when i was dx as DID for about 4 years. i had a very very strong "denial" system. i went back and forth like a frickin ping pong ball: am i no, am i..NO. oh no i am not...yes I AM, no i am not. shut up i am too. nuhn uh i AM AM NOT....... keep doing that for long and you will feel just crazy.

my insiders said and did a lot to "get back" at me for ignoring them, rejection of them, doubting them. my T had to really work with me. i feel a bit dumb now but it was just a huge struggle with me because I HAD BEEN PROGRAMMED TO DENY MY INNER FAMILY!!!

all i know is that when i began to accept my insiders and get of ALL of our BACKS life began to get better. i am becoming their advocate and their needs are as important as mine (though i still mess up and don't always do it right)

please try and not be like me. it took me 14 years to get here. if i had been able to be on places like this before and talk with other DID people like myself i may have healed much faster than i did - that is not really a fair statement because it is what it is. BUT, you are free to heal and grow and change at you all's own pace.

hugs sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself and on them! =)

leslie and her people

[turquoisesea]

Leslie and Pixies,

I will try. It's hard to accept what's happening.
I'm still not sure I have DID - but I'm definitely dissociating and there are definitely different parts of me that talk, feel, think, and I also have to realize that they have needs. That for whatever reason, this body is not mine alone anymore... I feel ... weird saying that, and feeling that. I feel like my body should be my own and that in a weird way it's being violated, my rights are being violated.

I guess I'm playing pingpong too

I'm really glad you've become able to accept, able to talk about, and able to heal

I'll try to follow in your footsteps, whatever is happening to me

I'm curious, what do you do to help that the others don't interfere with important events? Like driving a car... or talking to someone important, I'm so afraid something will happen then, especially when i hear the little one talking while I'm driving.

hugs to everyone!
~turquoisesea

[turquoisesea]

his everyones we wants say thanks for helps sea and wants say hi
we glad you help and hopes feel good

we give hugs now
*from Kit

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Hello Kit!

[DianasClan]

Hello Kit,

I hope sea is feeling better.



Diana

[Jewels]

Kit--hugs r often given for relief of pain an ta calm down angry children...we have several of each in our group...those whose pain is so overwhelming that they get angry an then need the hugs ta calm them down...an then somma us like hugs cuz it buries the pain somwhere deep down inside an we dont hafta hurt for a while while we r bein hugged...know we r givin these hugs freely...