[onlymedid]

For the first time ever, T mentioned integration. I suppose I always knew that it would have to happen, but I am NOT into the idea. I have my own family inside, we take care of each other, three are like.....my own kids or something. I can't think of them not being there.

I got home and started crying because *stomps feet* I DON'T WANNA INTEGRATE!

One of my littles feels like she is just going to "get thrown out like trash" all over again (referring to parents sending us to Group homes). She feels like I don't love her, don't care and is upset. I know T didn't mean for that to happen, but it has happened and now I am dealing with an upset 7 year old!

Does anyone else fear integration??? Those who have done it, how does it feel now that it's happened?

((( onlymedid and all )))

I am posting this link, it's from the Garden. It might help your littles understand.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=80110

[onlymedid]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

((( onlymedid and all )))

I am posting this link, it's from the Garden. It might help your littles understand.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=80110

THANK YOU!!!! Orange_Blossom, you are always right on!

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by onlymedid

Does anyone else fear integration??? Those who have done it, how does it feel now that it's happened?

IMO - I think we all fear integration when it is first spoken of as it is the unknown even though we maybe be living in total chaos with our many alters... but after having gone through eight years of T (twice a week) I am pleased that I was able to achieve the integration of 15 alters down to just one main alter with a few fragments of those that left.

I am regaining the ME that was lost when DID entered my life as a means of survival.... I love and respected each and every alter and what they did for me, but I also explained to them that I was strong enough now and that I could take care of living in this world on my own as I was an adult and no longer the innocent child that so many people took advantage years ago.

Integration = Oneness

[Hunny]

Please keep posting about this...I am...I want...ah...I'll get back to you.

Ice'd

[onlymedid]

Rhap-

I think it is very much comfort in the chaos. You are right, fear of the unknown! I think it's great that you have done so well and I appreciate your experience.

I think that is part of it, the one little I don't know her purpose. Her living is in the past. Each day is the same. Same place, same age, same games, same hiding spot. She 'needs' me to take care of her. Hmmm....something to work on there.

Thank you so much for your honesty and information!

[JudeeB]

When my alters had told their story and were healed of the negative emotions they carried they were given the choice to integrate and most of them gladly chose to reconnect to the whole. Four did not and we live in harmony for the most part.

None were forced. They knew they were going home to where they had started, to where they belonged and that they had done their job. They were not thrown away but are now part of me. A part of wholeness not a seperate, injured part but a healed and loved part of who I am.

I was totally open to whatever they chose to do.

It worked for us,
Judy and company

[onlymedid]

Thanks Judy and Company! I think there is still a lot to learn. I guess that is just it, we feel pressured or forced, even though no one has done that yet...if that makes sense. I feel like we will HAVE to integrate. It will be very interesting to learn what each parts job is. I know for the most part, but I also know there is a lot more there.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me to understand a bit better!

[DianasClan]

I am glad that you posted about this topic. Diana is not ready for us to integrate. She is not even up to communicating with us at this point. But for those of us in the clan we cringe everytime this topic is mentioned. Many of our clan fear the idea and feel as though it means death or to be thrown away. Our T has agreed not to disscuss this topic at this time as we are just not ready. But I try to keep an open mind. Please keep us posted on how this goes for you.
Denise of the clan

i have told my t that i don't want to lose my peeps...i'm comfortable with them...i have always been aware of them (well most of them)...since i was a small child...i was the one who told my original t about them, not the other way around...to me it is who i am. they actually help me see the world more clearly.

since i am the first did patient my t has treated i think maybe she felt that all the peeps had to be integrated...maybe thats what some of the earlier books and stuff said...but now she is fine with what i feel and does not push the issue with me. we work to fine tune things all the time, which is okay.

i enjoy (and need sometimes) to see the world thru the eyes of a 5 year old...it gives me a fresh viewpoint..and a much less jaded one. sometimes you just need that joy and honesty and happiness ....altho the opposite is also true...his sorrow and fright can be just as horrific as his highs.

i guess my feeling is that if you don't want to integrate then the decision should be up to you, not your t. did is a marvelous form of adaptation...so creative and ingenious...for me it works....and if it does for you then why lose it?

Waterfalls and integration seem to be very much alike.

Distinct, separate flows of water form from one river or stream.

The water swirls around fallen rocks and ledge, gradually coming together again as a deep, beautiful, unified pool.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by onlymedid

I think that is part of it, the one little I don't know her purpose. Her living is in the past. Each day is the same. Same place, same age, same games, same hiding spot. She 'needs' me to take care of her. Hmmm....something to work on there.

That might be all she needs of you... I found that a lot of my little ones just wanted to know that their was an adult out there that would love and protect them with out fear of physical or sexual harm... once they were loved and held closely in my arms (and kept safe within the loving walls of our imaginary home) they settled down and grew to trust me - An ADULT.

[onlymedid]

Orange_Blossom, That is a great way to describe it and what a beautiful picture! Thank you!

[onlymedid]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

That might be all she needs of you... I found that a lot of my little ones just wanted to know that their was an adult out there that would love and protect them with out fear of physical or sexual harm... once they were loved and held closely in my arms (and kept safe within the loving walls of our imaginary home) they settled down and grew to trust me - An ADULT.

That makes complete sense! I will keep them close, safe and warm in my arms. They truly do need love, safety and understanding.

[multipixie9]

i was my T's first DID client. she learned how to help in our time. she changed approaches as her knowledge/understanding increased. but i feel chaotic inside. i picked up the idea of being integrated as THE objective of healing. she told me not to name parts and so i did not name them. it just feels so jumbled and like a game of "pick up stix". one reason my denial system can still mess with our minds is because we do not see our system - just hear disembodied voices from the indistinct grayness.

i am really bummed out about this. more than i can say, as usual. i can't see what i am working toward. i no longer think of integration as the end objective of dealing with having DID. I want us to find a solution for us all and an objective we can work together to accomplish. just now i still feel lost, adrift.

leslie

i no longer think of integration as the end objective of dealing with having DID. I want us to find a solution for us all and an objective we can work together to accomplish.

Just like the pixies, healing comes in all shapes and sizes. What you just described will be your integration. It's different for eveyone and you will experience it in whatever way is right for all the multipixies. You all have a voice in your journey, wherever it might lead.

[Hunny]

GRATITUDE

Thank you to each person who has posted here. How amazing you all are! What a joy to find you here at PC! Where else in the world would this be able to happen? Thank you PC and thank you all.

As the years passed, it became clear that there was a focus...an initial trauma. There were many traumas so the way the first could be determined was by age. It has now been revealed.

So, now, focusing around functioning together, as one or one or two or three...?

The waterfall...how beautiful!

Nature, comes to the rescue, again!

Thanks.
Ice

[kaytibear]

I am a recovered multiple. My selves are integrated. It was not an easy decision or process but I feel better now with all the parts of me together. At first I tried for what my therapist called family harmony. This worked well for quite some time. Gradually my selves began to mesh back into me. This happened after I determined I was safe now . I haven't really lost the abilities of my selves I just do them now like one liked to draw. Now I draw . Another protected me. Now I have her strength and wisdom.
I think of me as being like a piece of stained glass. Lots of pieces all making up a beautiful picture but each with it's own color.
My littles were terrified of being integrated but stopped being so afraid when they realized the pain they held would be gone. Which is not to say the pain of the traumas was gone but now I could deal with it as an adult. It has allowed me to live in the present.
I will always be grateful to my selves for keeping me together for so long. I'm not saying integration is right for everyone but it has helped me tremendously.
The only negative thing I felt from integration was taking on some of the problems my selves had like one heard voices and I'm not talking about other selves. I now have those voices and am getting treatment for them. She was too afraid to get help. I am not. I want to get better and I think one day I will. I am already so much better.
Take care and it was good to meet you all.
Kayti

[multipixie9]

Wow, Kaytibear,

Thank you for posting what you have become. It really is great to hear from someone who has experienced coming together. I am sad that there is another big challenge in your life. I hope the things you learned and went through to get this far will help in some way as you face the challenges of today. I would always like to hear what you have to say on issues here. You certainly bring a new perspective that i can look forward to someday, but don't "get" now.

leslie and her pixies

[onlymedid]

Thank you all for your responses.

Kayti, it makes me hopeful that someday I will be comfortable in taking the next step! Thank you for sharing your story!

I appreciate everything you have all shared. It is helping me understand the process a bit better and helping me feel less anxious about it!

[kaytibear]

I'd be happy to discuss my integration . You can pm me if you like. It doesn't have to be scary. Integration should always go at the pace you set and the way you want it to. I had massive anxiety attacks before I did it. My littles had them but as they experienced healing they faded. They were stuck in the past and I had to bring them forward. I did a healing ritual for them with some sage and sweet grass. They liked that and it helped them let go of things. They were frightened that they would die if I integrated. They haven't. I still cherish the memory of them and what I felt when I took them in. I felt so happy and free after we became one. I never want to give that up.
One little I aged so she could become unstuck. It was tricky but it worked and once she wasn't stuck she blossomed. I have her love of drawing now and other parts of her.
My life was very fragmented before I did this and it was a hard choice but ultimately it worked. I'll stick around the boards I enjoy talking to other multiples.
Nice meeting you all
Kayti

[Hunny]

Kayti,

Would you mind sharing on the sage and sweetgrass ritual? Like, how did you perform that? Were you alone, outside? Was it a fire or in a little pot or in water? When they were frightened, how were you able to reassure them, was it with words or feelings?

I appreciate that you feel so happy and free now that you are one. Is how happy you are now determined by your sense of freedom or is there other feelings, sensations or thought?

Gosh, I just realized I have a huge amount of questions and if you don't want to answer that's okay. Or, if you would prefer to PM me that would be great too!

Thanks,
Ice

[kaytibear]

Let's see. The sage and sweetgrass was burned in a little pot inside the house. It was one of those bundles of it.
I tried very much to make it a safe place for them. Scent can be a helpful way to do that. I put on a chanting cd I use to relax. Then I listened to her. She had much to tell me some of it easy to hear some not. Mostly I felt her pain. She was hurt and not listened to or cared about and told all sorts of nasty things. I couldn't change what happened to her but I could listen now. She was hurting all the time. she didn't understand why she'd been hurt. It was all so fresh for her. At first I didn't integrate her I aged her a little and as I did that and she told her story the pain went away. It wasn't overnight. I had to burn sage and sweetgrass for a few nights as my mind slowly came together.
Burning sage and sweetgrass is supposed to be purifying taking away bad things and inviting in good ones. My little believed being smudged would take the taint off her she felt from the abuse. She believed very much in magical things. It helped me calm her. I actually taught her to meditate. She liked that very much.
My happiness comes from having an ending to flashbacks and not feeling so much pain. I am whole now. I don't feel like a victim so much as a surviver . Happiness comes from the things happening around me and the way I feel inside. I hope this makes sense to you.

Kayti

None in the constellation wants to integrate. we have worked with each one on healing their pain. we have found new ways for everyone to express themselves and share their gifts with everyone. naomi paints in watercolors, vicki writes, crystal writes poetry, iris cleans and cooks very impressive meals....and others do other things. our littles have learned to be children without having to hide or cry or be afraid. they have toys that they remember from "their time" and some new toys. its so much fun to see willow play in the snow with the H and not be afraid if she gets wet. it's awesome to see her decorate the christmas tree and not get yelled at for "touching". and to see other littles sit and watch a movie. H is very supportive and gives them hugs and reads to them. we have outside friends who will talk to willow and others of us.

all are healing. there are still very sad times and some flashbacks and triggers but they are getting less and less.

we have been on this journey for near 4 yrs.

Prism

[Hunny]

Kaytibear - White_Iris :

I love your sharing ((((((sooo)))))) much.

It is so comforting, the love you both have, with different outcomes.

Thank you for your gentle explanations. How beautiful you both are. How tender, joyful, safe and happy you have made yourself/ves.

Thanks for letting me know how ((((((lovely)))))) both ways are. It takes really special kinds of people to be able to describe themself/ves with such tender words, to embrace yourself/ves and be content.



Ice