***tired of FEELING STUCK**** Can't move forward or go back

Hello! I wish I knew what I was doing with my life... I am 45 years old. I got married at 19, had a child, was the perfect wife, did everything I was supposed to do, cleaning, cooking, etc. Life was ok, except my husbands drinking (drank beer) bothered me. He didn't drink every night, in the beginning since we were both young, it was the usual, party with the guys, I'd get mad, then get over it. At times, he would go months and not drink, and even once for a few years after he was seriously injured on the job he went two years without drinking. But as the years progressed so did the drinking, which I felt like I had to control the amount he could drink since he didn't know when to stop. It wasn't all bad...there were good times. He was never abusive. But after 20 years of marriage, I began to have an affair. In the beginning I thought I would never leave my husband, the longer the affair went on the worse our relationship got. We split after 20 years of marriage, we did this back and forth thing for 3 to 4 years. I divorced him in 2005 and the day we received the final papers in the mail I moved back in with him. All the while still seeing the man I was having the affair with at work, but our sexual relationship ended in 2004. We did the back and forth thing again a few more times, until he finally left me a year ago and I have refused to be with him (my ex) anymore. I believe he loves me, but he does not get what he needs from me since I am unable to give anything to him. For some reason the alcohol has completely turned me off where he is concerned. I feel sorry for him. I care about him but cannot be with him the way a woman should be with a man. He (the ex) continues to call me and tell me he still loves me and would like to be with me.

The Boyfriend:
On the flip side of all of this, I feel like I am also walking in his shoes. The man I had the affair with got tired of all this, together one day, then split up the next. He finally ended our relationship and moved out of state, but we still talk occassionally on the phone, and sometimes email. I cannot figure him out. I have mentioned getting back together and he made it very clear that we are just friends but then sometimes he makes sexual comments. I AM COMPLETELY OBSESSED with him. He is all that I think about. How could I have messed things up with him so badly? He is a prominent physician I worked with. Why does he keep me hanging on? How many years will it take to get over him? I haven't seen him 2 years. Back when all this was taking place (the affair) I felt so confused.

NOW I AM STUCK...
I can't go back to my old life since I have created a monster in my ex-husband. He drinks more than ever now, there is no trust since he suspect I had an affair, I have never confirmed it. At times I think I even used his drinking as an excuse, I felt very guilty for so long. I just want it to end. I wish my ex would find somebody and be happy, but I don't think that will happen since he won't even date. I wish I would get over the guy I was having the affair with, I haven't seen him in forever but I still love him. I can't move forward and find anyone because no one can compare to him. If I can't have him, I really have no interest in anyone else. So I am stuck... can't go back and can't move forward... Any suggestion on what to do when your stuck??? Why am I still so obsessed over him???

Sorry i'm the wrong person to ask. Never been married. Like 2 guys at the moment.Even though one of them hates me after we got in a fight last year.But i wish you the best. Hope things get better.

regrets!

First off, welcome to PC. I hope you find the support and connection here that you need to help you get through your dificulties.

Relationships are so difficult at times aren't they? I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

About the only suggestion I can make to you at the moment is to take some time for you right now. Put your effort into finding yourself, becoming the person you want to be. Being alone (without a significant other) in this world is not a bad thing. It may be scarry at times, but it can be a wonderful time for personal growth.

I understand about not wanting to be with your exhusband because he drinks. My first ex was/is an alcoholic and I couldn't deal with it. Remember, his choice to drink and his illness is not your fault. That is something only he can work on. As for the man you had an affair with, is it possible he is no longer interested because you are now too available to him? Maybe he felt comfortable when you weren't so available?

Like I said, take some time for YOU right now. Find something in your life to do that will please you (it has to be a positive thing...not self destructive).

I wish you well! Keep writing and posting, it can be very healing

Hugssss
J

Just wanted let you know I read your post...and I don't think I can add much to Sabby's response...

Thanks for the support...

I was wondering what you think of what I have done... My ex (the guy friend NOT MY EX-HUSBAND), like I mentioned before; we still communicate occassionally. Turns out he is moving out of state. (Right now he lives about 3 hours away from me), anyway he is moving 1500 miles away. Bottom line he prefers to fly, but wants his vehicle there, so he was going to have it shipped by train, but the problem is that he would still have to drive it about 500 miles, so when I spoke to him he said "act like your my wife & tell me what to do" (sort of joking). So I thought of a solution and called him back. I OFFERED TO DRIVE HIS VEHICLE THE ENTIRE TRIP 1500 MILES. He asked me why I would be willing, I told him I was just trying to help, he stated is it because of what would occur once I arrived (meaning sex since there is such chemistry with us) and I stated well that is an added benefit. He told me he would think about it. Did I do the wrong thing?

It is your choice...you may want to think about this for awhile before taking action....

(((((((((regrets)))))))))

I think you need to re-evaluate what you offered to this guy. Ask some questions of yourself as to the real reason you offered to drive his car for him. What is your real motivation for doing that?

Of course, you can make any decision you wish to make, but can you live with the possible consequences of those choices? Are you offering this to stay in his life in some way? Are you offering this because you truly just want to help and have no hidden agenda (ie. sex)? Are you afraid of being alone so much that any tidbit of connection with this man helps with the fear factor? How will you feel about yourself after the fact? These are hard questions and need to be as truthfully answered as you can.

I suspect, the reason you are asking is because you are unsure of yourself and what you offered. What is your "gut" telling you?? I have learned over the years to trust my gut instincts as they are truthful and never let me down.

Good luck m'dear. I hope you do what is right for YOU! Take care of #1 first.....You are the one who has to live with yourself and every decision you make.

Hugsssssss
J

I think I am crazy. You are right... I think I might gain some insight if I could see him again. I think I offered to do this (and this offer was completely out of character for me since I am basically a hermit, all I ever do is go to work and stay at home, I have no social life at all). Truth is I FEEL LOST since all of this happened in 2001, don't know who I am or what I want. I have never had anyone push my buttons the way he can, his opinion of me matter more than anyone elses.

I offered because I care about him ; thought this would be helping him plus it would show him that I truely do care about him, after all look at what I am willing to do for him. I would get to see him and might be able to tell if what I feel is real. Do I really love him??? Does he care for me??? Did we ever really have anything???

I have had a hard time making decisions since all this began (was never like that before), I am constantly second guessing myself, usually can't make decisions so I do nothing, it is easier that way. As far as sex goes, if I can't have him then I choose not to have sex with anyone else and that is what I have done. This is one thing I know for sure, he is the only one I want.

Actually thinking about seeing him scares me. Scares the hell out of me, and traveling that far alone scares me too.

My ex-husband is still around, he lives a few blocks from me, we don't see each other hardly at all and when we do we usually argue. I am constantly trying to not include him in my life but he has found ways to keep connected to me, but we do have a 26 year old daughter together who lives with me (that is a whole other problem, she has drug issues). He always accused me of messing around with this other man, but I could never admitt it, I figured why hurt him more than he is already hurt. We have been divorced for two years-two months, but not living together for one year. There is a part of me that is mad at him for not letting me go when I asked him to. I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for hurting the guy I was seeing. I have created this mess and just wish it would all end one way or another... but something had to happen because before when I was married, I don't know what was wrong with me, I was very depressed, suicidial at times, and for some reason was numb, I had no feelings. But then when I met this other guy, it was amazing, I actually had feelings and it felt good! It was nice to have conversations with someone who was sober, someone I respected. I can remember when I first met him I wasn't even attracted to him. But now he is all that I think about. It would be nice just see him.

Dear Regrets --

I mostly agree with everything Sabau has said. The boyfriend sounds like the kind of guy who is going to keep on making those sexual innuendos because it makes him feel good to have you sniffing around his door. I worked in a health care environment for a while, and physicians in general have huge egos. Everything in their lives conspire to convince them of this -- getting into med school, getting through med school, deference from nurses and patients, proud parents. There is really little in their lives to anchor them.

He probably isn't doing this consciously, as men are terribly unreflective about themselves.

As Sabau suggested, perhaps it would be good for you to take a time out and figure out what makes you satisfied in yourself.

Best wishes for figuring it all out. It sounds emotionally very complicated.

Just so ya know.... I haven't heard a word, I offered to drive his car, he said "he would think about it" I don't think he is going to let me know either way. I AM SUCH AN IDIOT! God, I feel like he must think I am really desperate or something!

Before when I used to feel rejected by him, I would go back to my ex-husband at least I broke that pattern. There is something about my ex that just sucks the life out of me (I often wondered; how does he do that to me?)

I think I am better off alone... But still confused... Still get pressure from the ex-husband though, but the more he pushes, the more it pushes me away (don't know if that is a good thing, but just can't bring myself to be with him anymore).

No regrets, you are NOT an idiot! But I still stand by what I mentioned in a previous post that this is a wonderful time for you to do some self searching and realization. Being alone is not a bad thing. It can bring on some wonderful introspective thoughts without the outside pressures of other people. It can be a healing time for you.

We all make mistakes in life. None of us is perfect. We cannot change what happened in the past, but we can learn from it, apply it to the present and the future and move on. There is no good that comes out of kicking ourselves when we've made a mistake or when we have been dismissed by another person we care about. Sure it hurts, I'm not saying it doesn't.

The "feeling stuck" situation comes from not being able to make the personal changes in your life that you need to make. Once you do some soulsearching and start taking care of #1 (which of course is YOU), then you will find that you can move on and grow.

Make this a positive time for you hon. Putting your efforts into you is necessary and very gratifying when you reach a point of feeling better about yourself. Positive attracts positive.

I wish you well on your journey. Keep posting and getting feedback. It's a great way to open your eyes to the possibilities that lie in wait for you! Good luck hon!

Hugsssssss
J

BTW, Feeling Stuck, if he comes back and says he does want you to drive his car, you do not have to do it. Tell him that something that came up, and you won't be able to do it after all. None of his business what came up. You can't, and that will be that.

sabau2,
I agree with everything you said. I don't mind being alone, rather enjoy it. I spend most of my time (when I'm not working) thinking, I keep looking for answers within myself. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to move on, and as far as healing time, I should of accomplished that by now, but I haven't. Maybe I just spend too much time thinking...

I am alot better than I used to be about taking care #1 (myself), but quite haven't mastered it yet. That is a hard one you know. I used to take everyone else feelings into account first, but now I usually think "what do I want". But still at times I find myself doing for others when I don't really want to. (Like my ex's laundry on the weekend).

I go back and forth in my way of thinking, do you think it could be menopause (haven't had a period since last October) or is there something else mentally wrong with me?? What ever it is I just wish I would get over it before I drive myself crazy.

Anyway thanks for your post, wishing you inner peace and happiness...

Hey regrets!

I know exactly what you mean about how hard it is to take care of #1 at times. It takes a lot of practice I can tell you that. I still haven't mastered it, but I am better at it. As long as there is some forward movement, it's all good

Old habits are hard to break sometimes. They do take a lot of work and a lot of assertiveness. Don't be too hard on yourself, you will find your way.

Menopause has a lot to do with how we think, feel, react to life's little droppings...LOL. Are you taking any herbal supplements to help feel better? Are you having any symptoms at all?

When I was finally to the point of needing to do something for myself that had meaning to it, I began volunteering. I researched what was available and made some phone calls. I was completely amazed at how much better I felt and how clearly things became to me after I started volunteering. It's a great way to help those in need, to network and meet new folks and you recieve so much more than you give, it just warms your heart From the day I started volunteering, my life has become so much better. I've learned so much about others and myself in the process!

Just an idea for you. I hope you don't think yourself crazy Take it easy and be good to yourself. I'm sure you will find the path that works best for you!

Hugssss
J

Hello,
No, I don't take anything for the menopause, all the physical symptoms are gone, but not the mental ones, but I don't know if it is menopause or depression. The lack of concentration is the worst, and forgetting things. I really don't need to volunteer anywhere since I work full-time. My job is in Public Health (STD's & TB), I spend 8 hours a day helping those less fortunate. That is the only time of day I feel okay, when I get home I am lost. Somedays are better than others.

Take care...

I think you need to make a choice, and I think you realize that you're not going to get the one you want, and it's too difficult to swallow. It's understandable, you still have your ex (who you don't want) obsessed with you. What you have to realize is both those situations, that you keep counting on to go away, may never. They won't if you keep allowing it to happen. Perhaps once you finally let the bf go, your husband will play off you and suddenly won't be as obsessed with because of it.

THEN, the future is wide open. You will be able to go out there and get something that YOU want out of this life. Do you know what that is yet? Perhaps it's an ex whose clean and sober? Have you ever mentioned the drinking to him?

I just think it's hard to think clearly right now. You have too much craziness surrounding you. Really try to find any way to take a step back from it all and truly evaluate the big picture.

All the best with a little love and luck to you...

Have I ever told him about the drinking?? Oh my gosh, yes, over and over for 20 years. I tried everything. His brother is worse than him, always has been, he will crack open a beer at 8am. Anyway, I can remember when my husband started reminding me of his brother, I used to feel so disgusted looking at him, this went on and on... Eventually I realized something inside of me had changed, my feelings for him were beginning to change. So told him that my feelings were changing for him and if he continued to drink we would not be together forever. He ignored me, so I waited a few more years, told him again, but he never stopped. Him and I have discussed that conversation since our divorce, he has all the excuses. He says that is no reason to cheat, all he usually wants to talk about is what I have done to him. He took something away from me, he took away my love for him, I am no longer in love with him. He drinks more than ever now, he says that is all that he has got left. I feel sorry for him. I feel partly responsible.

Yea, I think you are right, I am never going to be with the bf again. Sad but true.

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regrets said:
He drinks more than ever now, he says that is all that he has got left. I feel sorry for him. I feel partly responsible.

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Ya, of course he tries to make you feel guilty. That's one of the drunk's tricks. He doesn't see it, of course. He is deep denial. I hope that you will give Al-Anon a whirl.

I used to attend Al-Anon in 2004. It helped some. I guess I have spent too many years co-dependant (thats what the therapist told me I am). I think I have spent too many years living like this. It is somehow my normal. I am trying very, very hard to break myself, much better than I used to be.

Lets see, we got our divorce papers in April 2005, same day I received them in the mail, he asked me to move into this beautiful house he had rented, I went for it, he promised he would quit drinking. He did, except for Christmas and New Years (or so it seemed). The beginning was great, we did things together, then as time went by he was having issues (as he put it) with the things he thought I had done (never admitted to the affair and that is what he was referring to). He got a DUI, he was court ordered to attend AA, spent the night in jail, I bailed him out, drove him everywhere he needed to go, I paid over $500 to get his license back for him then a couple of months later, he began drinking daily, was very rude to me on a daily basis, until the day he packed his crap and left.

I havent gotten back with him since this. I am so sick of it, I just don't understand him, he says he loves me, then why couldn't he ever do the only thing I asked "to quit drinking". So I am finished with him. He chose his path and I will choose mine. My brother was killed by a drunk driver in 1992 and he says that is why I don't like him drinking. Not true, I complained about it before that for years! But obviously no one heard me.

I am sorry if I am rambling, but I have had it, he called me tonight and was complaining that I never call him, I told him that is because I don't know if he is drinking or not, plus I don't see the point. He still thinks in his tiny little mind that we might possibly get back together. I have told him, that is not going to happen. We have been divorced for two years, you left me to go drink. I have tried to be just friends with him, but he gets the wrong idea.

(((((((((((((((((((regrets)))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you are beginning to realize that you cannot be "just friends" anymore with your ex. It is impossible for him to move on as he is "stuck" in a space and time that has no growth, no logic, no reasoning other than an alcoholic reasoning (which we all know doesn't work properly).

I have no doubt that in his mind he does love you. But the alcoholism does not allow him to function properly. He may at times want to quit drinking, but it has a strong hold on him and he will not be successful unless he works hard at it and goes for help.

I used to think the same way as you...."why can't he just work at giving up the booze if he says he loves me?". Been there, done that and finally realized it was something he couldn't do without wanting to do it and seeking help. They think they can do it on their own....very very rarely does that ever happen.

What you have to realize hon is that your relationship is "toxic". There is never a positive place in your relationship as it is constantly consumed by the negative and the alcoholism. Will he ever change and receive help? Who knows. It's completely up to him. You have no control over what he does. But what you have to do for your own peace of mind is realize that the relationship at this time will not work. Know in your heart that you did everything you possibly could do to make it work, but know that it is beyond your control. Let it go and take back your life. Concentrate on YOU. More than likely this will mean cutting ties completely with the toxic relationship. No conversation, no contact. It will be the only way he will realize (may take a lot of time) that you are serious, and that you can actually work on yourself and your life without his interference. If need be, get some therapy for yourself if you are not already doing that. It will help you to understand your feelings and thoughts and help raise your level of self esteem that has been broken by your "toxic" relationship.

You must understand that you never had control over his situation. Let it go. It's hard, I know. But it is possible and it will free you to become the person you want to become.

Now is the time for YOU hon. Haven't you wasted enough time on something that is not working? Take that energy and put it into a positive light, one that is so very important to your health and wellbeing. You so deserve it!

Feel free to pm me anytime if you like. I'm always willing to listen



Hugssssss
j

Hi Regrets -- I saw your post in another thread about how you don't realize what has happened until it's too late.

It's never too late, it's never too late, it's never too late.

I got clean and sober in my late 30s. I graduated from graduate school and started a new career at 47. A 90-year-old got her community college degree near here this spring.

Others at PC have started businesses, had art shows, and many achievements in mid- and late-life. The internal changes can be even more impressive. I left here for almost two years, and the changes in attitude I saw in some regulars here were most remarkable -- from negative to positive.

It may take time for you to find your balance -- give yourself that time and know that it's okay. You may feel stuck, but you are moving forward.

Keep going, and feel proud of yourself.

Sabua. YOU ARE GREAT.
i agree with every word. and watstofly...most of posters here are really saying good things.

i will quote from a wounderful essay by Rafl Waldo Emerson. translated to modern Englihs byAdam Kan:
it really helped me to feel better about myself....

"2. SOLITUDE: A KEY
The ocean within can only be reached through solitude. The pressures, the desires, the opinions, the complaints, of others — even though we love each other — only cloud and obscure your vision. Solitude allows the dust to settle and the air to clear. Then you can see truly. Then you can attain the independence and strength and clarity that you will require if you wish to retain your honesty while among people. Otherwise, your human inclination is to acquire the notions and prejudices of your friends and family.

Solitude will free your mind and ears and soul from the constant, unimportant interruptions. Learn to distance yourself from too much entanglement in the problems or goals of others. Certainly shine light where it may help, but their goals and problems are theirs, and yours are yours, and keeping that distinction is the only way it can work.

Remember this: Getting caught in the web of others can only be done with your consent. You give your consent out of weakness.
But no more.

Your solitude and your deep honesty will strengthen you and guide your attention vitally and healthfully."

just in case you want to read the article
here it is: http://www.youmeworks.com/self_reliance_translated.html

all the best.

Very true words by a great man. Thanks so much for sharing them (((((((((((((((((lady))))))))))))))))).

regrets, I wholeheartedly agree with lady's post. It is a time of self reflection and re-direction when what isn't working needs to be changed. And remember it's sometimes done in baby steps. And sometimes we even backslide now and again. But it's all good. It's all a part of learning who we are and what we want to be. Most of all, have patience for yourself hon. Everyday is a new day to grasp and love and learn.

Hugsssss
J

Thank you to everyone for the encouragement. It is just that somedays I am so confused, I question myself, decisions I have made, etc. But today is a good day.

Thanks for the solitude quote and article.

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regrets said:
Thank you to everyone for the encouragement. It is just that somedays I am so confused, I question myself, decisions I have made, etc. But today is a good day.

Thanks for the solitude quote and article.

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yes like she siad it is PRECESS that can be slow, but a FACINATING one!

i am going to translate it to another languege for my T who doesn`t read english. i wonderr what she is going to say.
i WORKED on it...