I went to visit T yesterday. I told her i am missing my abusive mother although i think it is a 'mother figure' i am actually missing. i also told her sometimes i write as 'treasure' a name my dad used to call me whe i was very young. the thing is, i know when i am writing, i am aware of what i'm writing but feel the need to get this out. She says i suffer with co-consciousness along with disossiative amnesia .... my inner small child needs to be nurtured and i do write from a childs point of view. Sometimes, even though i am aware of writing like this, i go back later and notice spelling mistakes i would never usually make. So she is not actually an alter, just the inner me needing to be nurtured. Does anyone else relate to this?

Sometimes i also feel 15 again, a time just before i put a stop to the abuse and went through a very traumatic time with my mother and abuser (they were lovers). I tend to act the same age like slamming doors and sulking and hurting, getting aggressive because i can't find the adult in me.

I'm just so confused,this is the first time in my life i have had 'correct' therapy for my issues and it is so overwhelming.

Any advice would be good just now ... thanks, Jinny xoxoxoxo

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jinnyann said:

I'm just so confused,this is the first time in my life i have had 'correct' therapy for my issues and it is so overwhelming.

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((((((((((((((((((( jinnyann )))))))))))))))))))

Starting therapy is a really confusing time. I think when I started it was the first time it was really "safe" to explore the different parts of myself, the full magnitude of the things that had happened to me in my life, the feelings I'd run from for so many years. That's a lot.

What helped was writing in my journal, posting on here (once I found this site a few months after starting therapy) and being gentle with myself. I'd always been this really independent person, a total overachiever - and I had to let myself just "be" for a while and not expect so much from myself. I ordered food instead of cooking for my family, I played guitar hero instead of cleaning the house, I gave my kids extra days off of school (we homeschool). The pendulum is slowly swinging back the other way, and I'm able to be in therapy AND keep up with my normal life. But I had to take that time (and it was months) to kind of let things go for a while at the beginning.

So, I guess what I'm saying is be gentle with yourself. This stuff takes a lot of time to deal with - you won't feel better overnight. But you WILL feel better bit by bit by bit.

Sending lots of

((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))

thankyou. I am getting better bit by bit ... well, i was, this is hard to explain. My t has made sure i am starting from an 'adult' place so i can nurture'little kerry'so to speak. This is all new really, because i'd neverheard of alters or co consciousness til now. I do feel stronger in a lot of ways and feel i am ready to take on the deep stuff, but in the process it's still confusing me and Isuppose making ME aware of my inner self and the needs there. i have supportive family to an extent, but then i dont expect them to fully understand. my t has been through exactly the same as me, therefore she understands and picks up on my moods, what is bothering me and how i am coping etc. I don't know what I'n trying to say here .... i'm getting better but the past is putting me back, like a yo yo ..... i still don't understand how i can write from a childs point of view when i'm aware i'm doing it ..... it's not an alter as such is it ....

thankyou for replying, it means so much to me, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo hugs

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Jinny))))))))))))))))
It does sound like nurturing yourself right now might be beneficial. Earthmama has some wonderful ideas (I love guitar hero ). I also journal a lot and it's helped so much. I now have notebooks and paper and crayons and markers, pens, pencils, etc everywhere so no matter what state of brain I am in, there is something available if needed.

I agree that you need to take time for you right now. Is there anything special that you really enjoy but maybe haven't been able to take time to do? Perhaps you can set aside some time each day or a portion of a day each week to do that?

You're in my thoughts and we're here if you need us.

((((((((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))))))))))))

thankyou so much. I am trying to do things i like, but i have a problem with that too. I can never say no. My kids needing lifts here there and everywhere, my husband gets irritable if I'm down, my friend is grieving and she needs me and i want to be there for her. i went to see her last night after a tough therapy session and we cried and laughed and felt better. I'm going tonight too, she needs me and i love her she is my best friend, just struggling to keep it all together myself and i dont want to let her down. It's so hard sometimes to take care of yourself when others are in desperate need too ... I'm so glad i have you guys ..... thankyou so much.

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

my advice... is to very, very kind to yourself....

and this is so hard to do.. with kids needing you and hubby there too - normallcy (sp).. is hard to achieve... I think because of the "high level of feeling within therapy and one's self as therapy is started"...

starting therapy can be very draining on one's physical self...

I guess...though this may not "make sense".... expecting hubby or kids to understand... I believe will cause a "let down" feeling... because I think that it is really rare... with this kind of work...
I am not saying that they would not want to understand.... but they have not experienced what you have in your childhood.. so the depth of understanding of the impact might not be there..

I guess I offer this up.... because I have experienced... this in my own life.. and want to "save" you from hurt feelings....

Having a nuturing Mom.. is something.. that I want so badly too... I am in the process of.. "being that" for me....the inside me... I make sure I sleep now when I need the rest... and I have learned to say "no" to other people... self protecting... I don't know if you can do this... for me I am just learning...

((((hugs))))

(((((((((((((((Freewill))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you are so much better, just by reading your posts ... and i always take onboard advice people give me .... i am trying to nurture myself, like you say it is hard because guilt gets in the way .... i am telling my family about some of my treatment, they try to understand .... hubby is much more tolerant but still finds it hard sometimes because, like you say, they have never been through it themselves. My friend gave me a big hug tonight and told me she could never have got through last night and today without me and even though we've been friends for 30 years it seems we have a stronger bond now ... i felt useful i suppose ..... sending you a big hug Lu, know i love and admire your strength and look up to you and your progress ..... hugs, Kerry xoxoxoxoxo

Hi jinny,

You might find this thread dissociative disorder vs. unintegrated self states interesting.

Plus, don't worry yourself over your "little one" writing stuff you don't remember. Learn from her. She is probably the one who got you interested in writing in the first place.

You remember that I write from a child's POV sometimes too, right?

Well just look how normal I AM. There's nothing to fear!

((((((((((((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))

thanks hon ......i learn a lot from you, well of course you are normal .... aren't we all? I'll read up .....

love, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((jinnyann)))))))))))
Phew, that's so hard. I so understand that. We're so used to taking care of others and they are so used to us taking care of them that we might feel like we can't do anything else.

I'm sorry your friend is grieving but I'm glad you guys could have some laughs.

What I've had to slowly do is step away and let my family do things on their own. Growing hurts but sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes I will tell them, I just need an hour here without demands. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't due to their demands, but I keep trying. Perhaps you could even just go for a drive or a walk, be out of the house, stroll through a store and window shop, go get a coffee and read a book.

Hang in there jinny. I'm glad we can support you.

[wanttoheal]

I've ALWAYS thought you normal Orange!

I LOVE your writing Orange and hope to see more of it soon!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))