[shame]

this could be triggering - please do not read this if you are triggered easily..serious.

After my session with my t and revealing i am DID and ending being validated - i felt so good and relieved. ... my husband came home and i asked him about some memory losses i was having and looking for support from him .. well i thought.
he brings up old abuse from the past when he would physically hurt me ..and told me last night that none of my memories are correst and they are twisted and that he never ever hurt me ..he said he would take a lie detector test to prove it cuz he says he believes he woud pass it .. he said no one believes me .. however we have photos of my blackened face when he fractured my skull throwning my by my hair to the floor in a slam ..when i tried to reach the phone that was ringing .. i had to crawl because i could not walk - the world was turning upside down but had to get out of the house ..and scream until finally the police showed up .. the asked me to press charges and i was too scared to ..so i didnt.. i went to the dr.and had it documented .. a year later i had a sinus surgery that required a ct scan .. it showed very clear a fracture in the temple of my head .. the doc looked at him and asked ..looking at my husband .. WHO FRACTURED YOUR SKULL??? VERY MEAN!!! the doc said Do you realize if she gets hit here one more time she will die??
My husband who i still live with 20 years later .. denies this andso when we were recalling memories .. he brings this up .. i asked him PLEASE Dont go there ..because it is a anger button for me and i will go off ..so dont talk about this one ... he kept on and on till we were in a full blown argument .. he said all the abuse i have been through in my life was a lie and he doesnt believe anything i say ..
omg i am so so hurt still and it is the morning after .. we were supose to go to his moms for the 4th for a bbq with family .. i did not go .. he and my son just left and all i want to do is sleep off these feelings i cant handle .. so triggered and just cant be anywhere near him.. we live alone our kids are grown and live on there own ..
so much to say - i need my t ... i am ok - i am safe .. we were able to speak this morning and he did apologize that he doesnt believe me .. just leaves me depressed ..why do we stay together ? what is the purpose and reason of staying together is all that is going to happen is depression and isolation ? i told him i want to divorce with unreconsilable differences despite all the abuse .. i just want out away from him so i can live a happier life and pick up the pieces of my life .. the angry part of me needs to calmdown inside ..i am extemly switchy today and i cant control it.. so going to sleep it off and see how i feel when i get up ..think of ways to take care of myself when he come back. Didnt mean to ramble i just need to talk to someone that understands. any thoughts out there on this?

[Kiya]

(((((free)))))
i couldn't read it, but want to support you regardless!
Kiya

[blue_roses]

(((((((((((((((( Free1 ))))))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry! i wish i had answers.

i guess it comes down to do you feel safe with him. if you don't, it's time to leave. if you think you want to try to work it out, then perhaps a seperation for six months or a year. while you work with your T.

i'm sorry i can't be more help. i know this is a big set back after everything went so well at your T appt. but isn't that life...one step forward and ten steps back!

keep posting and keep talking to your T!!! you'll figure things out.

[shame]

sorry just been too depressed to talk on this .. shoullnt have posted it
i cant edit or remove the post cuz i waited too long. i want to hide away andjust breathe. i am not feeling right ..everything so confusing

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((Free1))))))))))
I'm sorry husband is being so invalidating. I hope you can get some support through this. We are here any time you want to talk.

[shame]

thanks wantoheal .. i do need emotional support .. i get scared when i dissociate and do things that i cannot recall ..i keep getting told things that i do - like going places that i swear i never been ...and not knowing my system enough to know who went? my body obviously does things without my knowledge so i try hard not to go places anymore. total blackouts .. how do you deal with this when it happens? how can you defend yourself when you talk to ppl about things and meet ppl then later find that you were totally not there?
i am just all inside today and hurting.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Free1))))))))))))))

I used to think people were tricking me when they told me I did or said things. I didn't really think about it other than that though. As I began to get more awareness, I found out that what I was doing was dissociating (I didn't even know what that was in the beginning) and gradually realized that not everyone could be tricking me. Funny how I never put that together before.

As I've become more aware, I sometimes feel like a detective trying to put the case together. Sometimes there are clues, sometimes not. My T said something that helped me a lot though as I was getting more awareness.

She said that it didn't change just because I know now. My system has been doing what it needs to do since forever (or whenever it started) and just because I know what's going on doesn't change things. So, I try to remember that. While I might not remember going to work or buying this or going there, it's always happened. My system is about protecting me and it helps me to repeat that whenever I get nervous or scared. I'm kind of a scaredy cat so I have to do a lot of self talk sometimes.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I hope things calm down soon. Keep posting. We care.

[shame]

thanks for sharing with me wantoheal .. so what do you do when .. like us..blackout all together? even though i am aware of them i do not know them and who know who takes complete control ..
or when it happens or any warnings ..just not there.. it angers me so much when ppl say things to me that i know for a fact i didnt do or go or say .. it makes me feel as if they are blatenly trying to mess with me.. i hate this i hate this feeling i hate beingso divided .
i dont know anything.. or even if i will remember writing this being that depression right now is so black i can hardly see

[wanttoheal]

That's what I mean Free1. I meant awareness that it happens. Sorry for the confusion. I'm not co-conscious but before, I didn't even have enough awareness that I wasn't aware, if that makes sense.

Hang in there. Things can get better, but it does take time.

[nightbird]

sending good thoughts your way Dear Persons, and I hope that this is a healing experience.

while i do not have this issue, someone close to me does, and i am beginning to understand why they do not remember saying things and doing things ... i coldn't understand it before.

i thank you so much for shring your concerns and support.

the best yo the both of you -

love,
night