Thrown back

Thrown so far back, I'll have to claw and scrape for forever to dig out. Triggered everywhere, on many levels and throughout.

How can a mother be so cruel and ugly...she's like a lion on the hunt. She can literally sense sense the weak, single them out and pounce at the most perfect time.

I was weak because of alot (recent surgery, recently moving, etc.), and it's ultimately my fault that I'm here. I should have hung up the phone.

Should haves don't get me a drop in a rain storm, though.

I don't get it. I simply don't get it. Why are people still, in this day, interested in and lying about my past...my innermost fears, pains and hurts??? When will they let me live without letting me know my place???

I just want to live and be a good person. That's not too much to ask???

I feel very ugly. I feel *very* violated...again.

KD

(((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))
shouldas never work
I am sorry you are going threw a hard time

"I just want to live and be a good person. That's not too much to ask"

you are a good person
You were triggered (kimmy)))))))))))))))))
its not to much to ask, Your worth it

I am so sorry you feel violated again
know I am here for you
I care
((((((((((you matter))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

muffy
"

There is so much I could say, but won't. I'll try and give a reply. Until you can exhibit tough love for yourself, and put the "mother" aside and out of your life (tough in a way because every child needs the love of her mother) you will only be harmed over and over and over again. It isn't your fault. Fault? Really, you really think that, because you had hope of change, or of being strong enough to totally overcome evil? The last you will experience directly from those who are still around and plotting evil is to cut them out of your life. I'm sorry. They won't change. You must.

Thank you (((((((((( muffy )))))))))))

I appreciate all you say, and I do believe that I'm a good person. I guess that I said that because the emotions and thoughts evoked during these times feel ugly and not something a "good person" would think.

She so much has to be the victim that she creates trauma, and doesn't care who she brings into it. Of course, a victim always has to have a perpetrator, and that's so awful of her to set people up for.

I'm awful because I was hurt and abused and she doesn't believe it? I mean, she said she took it to her therapist and even she told mom that it's something she'd always known and didn't want to believe. Yet, somehow, it's my fault?

I'll just never understand. I get even angrier at myself because I know all this is part of her illnesses and personality; that I don't understand it because it's not understandable and still yet it affects me as it does?

Ugh.

Thanks, honey.

KD

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kimmydawn )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I know you are a good person!

I'm short on words tonight but sending lots of

(((((((((( sky )))))))))))

You are right. I've cut her out of my life twice now...about seven months each time.

I really don't want to do that again as she's alone now, and 67. Somehow that feels extremely ugly to me. So I try to, just as you said, "had hope of change, or of being strong enough to totally overcome evil?"

Yes, I thought my good intentions would win out. I truly did. I honestly did so well with it for so long too. However, I'm just not on her level...she's too good in such a bad way sometimes.

Bottom line, you're right. I need to figure out something that I can live with considering the facts. I promised that I would never cut her out again...she's too old, fragile, alone and ill. She has no one in her life because of the way that she is.

That said, I could still honor my promise and take contact to one per week or twice per month, couldn't I?

You are right, I know this. We've had the talks and your black and white words make sense and are from experience.

Thank you for your honesty and for caring.

KD

(((((((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))))))))))

Just the care means the world to me tonight. Thank you for showing that care.

Know that I do as well, and I hope that you're maintaining. You're in my thoughts.

KD

(((kimmy))))))))))))))))))))))
It was never your fault
you were I was hurt and abused ...............
Never your fault.............
you will work threw it
I am sorry it hurts so bad
muffy

((((((((((((((((((((((((((KD))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sometimes it is hard to believe what damage someone can inflict upon us. Especially families.

It seems there is such conflicting emotions when dealing with a family member who we still have feelings for. And possibly some feelings of obligation. I am sorry that you were unable to hang up the phone at the time but I can understand.

I hope you will see that you are the good person you want to be. That you always have been. None of this is your fault. I am sorry it is rushing back all the old feelings from before. I am sorry that once again you have been violated. Maybe in another manner but violated just the same.

Know I am here.

BB

OH KIMMYDAWN, I feel very sad for you right now. It hurts so badly when someone should be trustworthy and they tear your heart out again and again.

I wish I could send healing love your way to wrap you up in a blanket and hold you safe until the ugly pains go away, far far away.

I've had similar things happen long ago with my Mom. I would let my guard down and expect her to act loving like a mom should be and she would gut me and leave me curled up in a ball of pain somewhere alone and hiding. %#@&#! it that is just wrong and should not be happening and I hate it for you.

My mom is dead and my biggest grief is NOT that SHE is dead, but that I never did get to have a real mom who loved me safely. Some people are just not fit to be moms and yet small people still come under their influence. That's just sad and wrong!!!

Wanting to just live in peace and be a good person is not too much to ask and your past life is NO ONES business. Some people are so narrow and sleazy they just don't get it that life is not about gossip and telling things on people. Life is really about love and kindness and sometimes the people who know that the best are the people life has hurt the very worst. I wish it wasn't so.

I don't know you really well on here yet, but I've seen you be kind to me and to other people and it stinks that this happens when you are already down from big stressors like the move and surgery.

I don't know how you feel about prayer, but I'd like to pray for you. If that is not ok, just know I'm thinking good thoughts for you and about you.

I'm sending you soft, butterfly hugs that just land gently around you and never hurt or hold too tight. I'm sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this hurt.

leslie and the pixies



( - these are for your mom)

((((((((((((((( kimmydawn )))))))))))))))))

My heart aches for you and the conflict and pain you are once again having to feel and live through.

The fact that you have compassion for your mother who is so ill and so invalidating to you is a testament to your beautiful soul. It is hard to temper our compassion when we are hurt by the very person we have that compassion for. Where do you get to draw the line? When do you get to feel validated and comforted not only in this situation, but from within yourself? I can only imagine what must be going through you right now.

I am here to lean on....anytime...night or day. You are in my prayers and I'm sending warm and loving thoughts to you.


sabby

(((((((((((((KD)))))))))))))))))))

I wish I could help, but all I can say is that I understand.

Love you lots.

(((((((((((( KD ))))))))))))

i'm sorry i'm not much with advice but i just want you to know i read this post and do care.

hope you feel better soon

(((((((((((((((( roz ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you, sweetie. I'm really glad that we're getting to know each other. It's definitely to my pleasure.

KD

(((((((((((((((((((((( BB )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I do know you're here and I'm thankful for you and your friendship.

Yes, it's so hard when those we love and want to love, hurt us.

I'm angry with myself because I made a conscious choice not to hang up. I felt in control, and too confident in the healing I've seen. I explained that I would do this, but that I'd never do it again...ever. I felt it important to, one last time, say my piece while letting her off the hook and lying about her role to a degree. I wouldn't knowingly hurt her still.

I'm angry at my confidence and for not recognizing who I was dealing with and there is no one as good as she...certainly not I. I'm angry that I'm feeling as I am now due to my own foolishly placed confidence. See, being 67 doesn't interfere with what she's the best at in her meanness or illnesses. I learned that the hard way today. Most soften with age? She's the same if not worse.

Thank you for caring and being here for me. Your words are healing...validating because, yes, I do feel violated in a few ways. I'll never know the family member that she's drug all this up with, but found out last night that she told my daughter even about it all, then said that she didn't believe it...TO MY OWN DAUGHTER. She didn't tell me to protect me from hurt. Also, her cousin told her that all she does is talk about me, in not nice ways...even to the point that her sister asks her to not...to try to focus on something else for awhile (um, and her sister and I aren't close).

That was surely insult to injury and tells me that I thought she'd let go of some of her sick focus on me, but she's not. She still focuses on me in a sick way and it can be scary a bit. It's a bit scary because I know the focus isn't that about care or concern, but of something much more, well, yuck.

When I look at it in black and white, it's amazing and frightening...but mostly so incredibly sad. It frustrating because she began to severely ramp up when I was so sick and found out that I needed surgery. Why? I don't know but can guess it's because our entire family was giving me alot of care and love? Anything that takes away from her spotlight is fair game for her tactic and energies.

Thank you, again, my friend.

KD

((((((((((((((((((( leslie & pixie friends ))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for such an incredibly warm and supportive response!

Thank you so much for relating your pain to try to help me feel better. You did, but I am sorry for what you've gone through as well.

Yes, please pray. I absolutely believe in the power of prayer and have witnessed recent miracles...one just turned a year old this month. Seriously, even dr's say he's an absolute miracle. So, anyhow, yes I do hope for them and appreciate them.

Thank you again,

KD

(((((((((( Kimmy )))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((KD)))))))))))))
I so understand. In fact, I had tried to get hold of you last night for some advice on this kind of thing, lol.

I'm sorry your mother is back to her habits again. And I very much understand that she's old and fragile. I am dealing with similar. I don't have any answers, but I'm here if you ever want to talk.

((((((((((((( kimmydawn ))))))))))))))

The trouble is an abuser or parent knows exactly how to get to those child-parts and make us feel guilty and bad and make us feel once again that we are the ones at fault.

In my teen years I was the one that got away, never to have to put up with 2 abusers in my life again. Little did I know that I would be haunted forever by them.

I still had another abuser in my life, up until about a year ago. I had many sessions in therapy on how to handle a dreaded phone call. Each time I failed and this past abuser would take me back 'there.' He knew exactly what he was doing! But then, another child-part came out from within me, I don't know exactly what she said to him but I have never heard from that bastard since!

I don't know why I wanted to share this with you, I hope it helps in some way.