i dont know why i Just do ...... i dont want to be here in this house .... living this stupid life and fighting every day for the little sanity i have ...... %#@&#! it all why the %#@&#! was i born anyway. it's just too much

whoever

[sabby]

(((((((((((((( whoever/jinnyann )))))))))))))))))))

Some days are just not as good as others. Sorry you are having one of "those" kinds of days.


sabby

this morning was good .... mood dropped around 3pm and getting worse

sigh .... ty Sabby sorry i had to leave chat earlier. BT took an hour to sort my phone out ....

me/not me/who knows who me is

i dont understand why so many people read my posts and only 1 person answers .... it's been here less than 30 mins .... i have a side of me that wants to rant and rage about this but i know it will be deleted, i cant win whatever i do. I posted a positive poem this morning and only a handful answered does anyone feel like ever giving up ..... maybe people just hate me or something. i really feel like having a good swear right now.

((((( Jinny )))))
Safe hugs okay? I don't hate you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))

I don't hate you

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jinnyann said:
i really feel like having a good swear right now.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's another reason for pillows jinny...punch them or punch with them...It is good for the soul...

I know how good it feels to be validated jinny..sometimes we need to not feel invisible.

But we must be able to learn to validate ourselves too. To know that we have value beyond human suffering. To measure our value upon the attention we receive here, there or anywhere diminishes that value.

I watch you give of yourself here,,I'm sure you do also IRL. I see your compassion. It is real. You know where your Peace will come jinny,,that real Peace of loving yourself.

It won't come from me or anyone telling you how special you are...it will come from you telling us how special we are..

IMHO.

Lenny

(((((((((((((((Sabby))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))

my good friends ..... i love you all ...... ty i'm feeling sorry for me today and i dont care.... my t says i'm allowed to do that i dont want anyone else to feel sorry for me, just self pity today...... so anyone who dont like it tough %#@&#!

[Fuzzybear]

I do know how you feel, it sucks indeed to feel hated. No one here deserves that. (sigh)
But I also think Lenny has a good point

posted before I saw your reply

ty lenny. I cant love myself ... because i've never been loved for who i am .... only who i portray with the happy mask .... if i'm myself i'm scared ... i dont even know myself ... i have a lot of love to give but not to myself .... when you've been told you're useless all your life,or childish or wrong etc etc etc where does self love come from. My feelings have never been validated ever ......

my t is trying to teachme, or talk to me about loving me .... i wish i could .... some parts of me i like, but i cant find love

i cant help it, i try, please understand i try so hard .... but it aint happenin.

i didn't see your reply lenny either so here's a big hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((Lenny))))))))))))))))))0

((((((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))

me/her/whoever

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jinnyann said:
please understand i try so hard .... but it aint happenin.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I do understand jinny..I lived in a bottle for twenty years..I know much about self hate and the lies that breed it.

There were people who loved me until I could love myself. That was hard too, to understand. How could they?

But they did.

And that love included little patience for self hate, pity pots and wishing.

They taught me to love them for their honesty with me,,their tolerance of my failings but intolerance of my pleadings. They taught me that Fear was my greatest enemy and the army of lies that it engages.

They gave me Truth,,, sometimes in tiny morsels and sometimes in giant gulps. They knew somehow what I could accept.

I think what I'm telling you is that I will love you until you will love yourself but sometimes you may not see it as Love.

But it will be...in that,,you can trust.

Love,

Lenny

oh Lenny .... i have tears in my eyes ..... my hubby loves me, and my kids and my friends IRL and here ..... i find it so hard to feel worthy of them all and you and everyones love .... i feel i dont deserve it at all ..... and anyone who loves me i wonder why all the time ...... i'm sorry you had it so rough too ....

ty for all you've said .... i'm still trying, but i dont literally know how to love me. Maybe if i loved me it would sound so big headed or something ..... sorry i'm numbing out and my mind is blank .... sometimes it's easier than thinking

hugs, ty, take care my friend, Love Jin xxxxxxxx

[Lenny]

Love doesn't require worthiness...it only asks that you Love back...and if we don't,,,even then it will still Love.

Lenny

I didn't know love didn't require worthiness .... or did i ....

maybe its that i dont think i'm loveable then ..... i'm even wondering if i love properly .... i was never shown it, maybe what i see as love isn't right i would kill anyone who touched my kids ..... i love them so much, the love i know, but how can i know if i wasn't shown it from a baby ... i'm so confused ...... help

[Fuzzybear]

So those who think love requires "worthiness" are wrong?

[Lenny]

No...not wrong fuzzy...maybe a bit hard on themselves and thus others..

In my life I have met only a few sinless folks...and they were fresh from the oven..so to speak...If worthiness was ever going to be used in connection with Love,,then I guess newborns of any type (except maybe mosquitos) are IT....

After that as our humanity gets formed,,,and we try to fit into a changing world within a changing body...we sometimes get afraid,,and we sin....

Some sin more than others...I certainly have my share and maybe some of yours...

But I was trying...

I guess maybe what I'm saying is that we are such moving targets,,us humans,,,that Love is connected more to our potential than our progress...

As I'm wiping the *** of a newborn,,getting ready for the new diaper...I am seeing a future doctor...LOL

Just kidding...

We are all worthy of Love...

IMHO.

Lenny

[pegasus]

((((((((((( jinnyann and all ))))))))))))))

It's very easy for people without DD or DID to say, 'All you have to do is love yourself...'

The fact is, various parts can be so different from each other that it is near impossible for them to love each other.

For example, you may have an angry teenager-part flying around at the moment, she has every right to be angry and feels hated. We don't hate her but because of the splits in your own system it's super scary and will take a long time for each part to understand and work together.

I don't doubt you are a good Mother, many people with DID are very caring of others. So don't beat yourself up about that.

For any teenage part it is a good idea to let her let off some steam and then you can relax a bit hopefully.

[Lenny]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:

It's very easy for people without DD or DID to say, 'All you have to do is love yourself...'

The fact is, various parts can be so different from each other that it is near impossible for them to love each other.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I humbly defer to those who do indeed suffer from those maledies. There is no way I can truly understand the conflict.

However if I understand correctly,,there is a primary,,and that is the person I try to speak to when I share. That is the persona that will or will not ultimaely take the responsibility for choices of integration of not. I know I am not always succesfull.

There is a need for willingness, no matter the challenges we face, to change,,to overcome the fear, to find solutions,,that I try to gently promote.

I do not have the answers, nor will I ever claim too...

I can only share my experience, strength and hope.

IMHO.

Lenny

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((( jinnyann, pegasus & all )))))))))))))))))))))))))

While I do not have DD or DID, I have been blessed (and yes that is the correct word!!) to have in my life some of the most wonderful people with DD and/or DID. I say blessed, because the lessons I have learned from all of you are lessons I will never forget....I will always keep them close to me.

What I have learned is that no matter how parted one is, I have never met a part, no matter how angry or upset that wasn't able to, at the very least, try to understand the concept of love, even if only on a very basic level. That being said, this has been what my experience with DD/DID has been thus far.

Having had this experience of my own, I can relate to Lenny's comment that love can bring us through the most difficult of times, even when one doesn't feel it from within themselves. And peg, I can also understand your statement that it is very difficult to get the parts to come together and feel loved either within the system or from outside of the system.

Maybe what is truly important is when one or more parts can learn about love and its great power in healing.....some of the other parts (if not all) over time can also learn how love can be a positive emotion/feeling for them to learn. I would imagine that many things must come into alignment in order for that to happen....but I certainly don't see it as an impossible task.

Call me an optomist....or someone wearing rose colored glasses, I don't mind....but I have seen with my own two lookers and being heart to heart with some parts, exactly what can happen when they were given the chance to speak, the chance to be heard, to be validated and to be loved. It was nothing short of an amazing and wonderful process, and one that I was blessed to have been and continue to be, a part of.

The human mind is something that can do the impossible....it can work to keep a child safe and it can also work to learn, grasp and understand through love and respect.

xoxoxo
sabby

[___Shadow___]

It is so hard to feel loved. We always had something tagged on us if good were to happpen the ground would again fall out from undder.
That is why is hard for me to feeel love, everybody used me or just gave me enought to be alive so why would NOW someboddy love me and nott then, huh righht. I'm waiting for the ground to fall againn u kow.

My t is working with me to nurture 'little Kerry' as she calls me ..... her ....... i feel little kerry hurting, needing, wanting to be loved ..... like shadow, if i am happy, i feel it is doomed and wont last too long, brecause in the past being happy never did last very long and i was always scared, anxious right from a young age ...... i think for the last 3 years i know my husband loves me and i never had someone truly love me and it scares the %#@&#! out of me ....... i know we have our marriage problems .... like lots of people, but i cant understand why he loves me, i know my kids love me too but that's different ...... dont you think it's sad that i've been married 20 years in Septemer and i only just realised he truly loves me? Yet i still sometimes doubt it ...... i can never ever trust 100%, never will. I feel like i have little kerry under my wing right now, if i become, or she becomes overwhelmed i go and numb out to protet her, the teen kerry is around, she is very hurt and extremely angry and rebellious ..... no surprise

mother dear never believed her lover could abuse her own daughter ..... my own mother was jealous of me .... because her lover preferred me to her ..... and she was in denial .... she moved away just when i needed her more than ever. she abandoned me, left me with my dad who was hateful towards me.

i was a lost soul for years .... then dad aandoned me to live with a new g/f, left me alone .... i turned to drink at 19 for a short while .... he left me with no furniture, just a matress on the floor.

i looked for love in all the wrong places, ruined all my relationships being so clingy and possessive .... i knew noone would stick around very long ......

i'm rambling sorry .... completely off topic. went off on one



jin

self pity is an ugly thing..... sometimes i just need to get the story out while i remember .... i sometimes show my t.

[___Shadow___]

Jinnyann, I'm glad you shared some of your story, I can relate some and I think it is important you have your say.
I've been married 17 years now and still haven't found the peace in that he loves me, One or two part s of me knows very well he's totally in love with me, but that's that!
It is the little one that are so sad, Is it because they're still stuck in the past or the memories? Or both? I know now that playing with my kids all the time did help some with my young part. I think maybe before I had kids she was much younger, but now, around an eight year old.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((jinny)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Shadow))))))))))))))))))

Yes i think i can relate now .... it's the other kerrys who are sad and rebellious and dont trust ... they get aggressive and angry and hurt lots .... maybe the real kerry is showing herself more, now she's in therapy ....... if someone says something that triggers me little kerry is there feeling hurt. If someone threatens me or my kids or hubby or says something i dont like it's the teenage Kerry .... my t says i talk from an adult place more and each week, i just dont see it.

((((((((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))))))))i'm so glad you are all my friends, truly, i couldn't go a day without your help. you keep me going from one t session to the next thankyou all so much

jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[___Shadow___]

"Yes i think i can relate now .... it's the other kerrys who are sad and rebellious and dont trust ... they get aggressive and angry and hurt lots .... maybe the real kerry is showing herself more, now she's in therapy ....... if someone says something that triggers me little kerry is there feeling hurt. If someone threatens me or my kids or hubby or says something i dont like it's the teenage Kerry .... my t says i talk from an adult place more and each week, i just dont see it. "
This is exactly how i feel!!!
Thank you, i just can't get out what i want to say sometimes, i get all mixed up a lot.

[multipixie9]

sumtims peeple uses words lik love. When they say love i heer bldlk.

love is a foren langwidge. they expec me to get wat they meen and it dont make no sense to me at all.

the only love i unnerstan is babies. babies is love. babies just is. u don gotta work to luv babies, it jus happens.

i hope u feel bettr soon, Jinnyann

one of us pixies