[JackKerouac]

This is my first post here, and with it I have no intention to offend or be hurtful. So, if I do say something that is hurtful, please, I ask your forgiveness in advance. I will try to not let my emotions get the best of me.

As I’ve been reading the threads around here I’ve noticed several instances in which members have considered their condition a true gift. I understand that that is because in compartmentalizing personalities and creating alters it is a way to cope with very traumatic experiences that a single unified “personality” may not be able to cope with. I also understand that even those who would claim it to be a gift recognize it has its downsides and is not always easy. But I find that to say it is a gift is a very self(s)-centered way of viewing DID. DID does not merely affect those diagnosed with it, as I’m sure anyone on this message board would not hesitate to admit. And perhaps the situation in which I am writing is an extraordinary circumstance and not at all typical to other patients' experiences.

I do not have DID, nor does anyone in my family. I have no firsthand experience with the disorder nor have I ever had a personal relationship with anyone with the disorder. However, I am a close friend of someone who’s mother has been diagnosed with DID. Since the diagnosis I’ve watched her lose friendship after friendship because of the care that her mother required, and the expectations to “help out” around the house put on her by her siblings. And she feels like she can never say "no" because of her mother's condition. She fears that by going against what is expected of her in her family she will only contribute to the emotional distress her mother experiences. As it seems every single night her mother experiences a very severe depression all over again. Furthermore, my friend also recently felt compelled to break up with her boyfriend, not because they stopped caring about each other, in fact from my understanding their relationship was moving along quite well. And not because anything she did or he did, but because she couldn’t handle the daily burden of constantly being available to care for her mother & her family and what she felt her boyfriend deserved. Since she can’t dump her mom, she dumped her boyfriend. Which happens. I understand. But now that makes me her last close friend and she hasn’t responded to my calls in over a month. She is so distressed over her DID mother and her responsibilities to care for her mother that she has, at least for the time being, given up entirely on extra-familial personal relationships. She even stated that she feels like she has no room in the situation to have a personal life of her own. So she is brokenhearted, and is constantly giving up pursuit of what she wants in her own life.
So while DID may be a gift for her mother to deal with whatever it is exactly that her mother is dealing with, I think it would be incredibly insensitive to say that is a gift as far as my friend, her daughter, is considered, or my friend’s ex-boyfriend who is still in love with this girl, or me who is now worried about losing a best friend. Furthermore, her mother has recently refused to see her therapist in months and has decided she would reduce dosages of her own medications. Her mother doesn’t seem to want to get better at all, and as a result is consuming rapidly more and more of her daughter’s life. But what other choice does my friend have? This is her mother, who is not well. As far as I can tell DID may have helped her mother cope with a traumatic past, but it has also acted as a conduit to carry pain and hurt onto her family and even beyond her family. I would say that DID is not anything close to a “gift”. At least in this situation.

It is like an adage I once heard, “Hurt people hurt people.” And I suppose the amount of pain is proportionate. But where does it end? And why is the devotion and self-sacrificing care of her mother by my friend not enough to quell the storm?

If DID is helping you cope and is acting as a tremendous gift as it has been described on this forum then I am happy for you, but I would hope that it’s not at too great an expense to those who love you. Because when people love you, they are in pain when you are in pain. So, if you have the opportunity to seek healing, and you’re debating whether to pursue it or not, I would suggest you do it. If not for your own sake, for the sake of those who love you.

Again, sorry if this seemed irrelevant, or possibly hurtful to anyone. It was not my intention to be caustic, here. I’m just very frustrated when I see situations in which love isn’t enough, and perhaps I am too much of a romantic/idealist, and perhaps that’s just not how life works (everyone seems to enjoy reminding me of that) but I don’t have anything else to hope in. Hopefully, this was helpful to someone, or maybe someone else out there can at least relate. And please, please forgive me if I’ve offended anyone. There aren’t many support threads for friends of family of someone with DID. And it would seem this isn’t even the appropriate place for it, and if that’s the case would someone please point me in the right direction?

(I apologize for the lengthiness)

[kimmydawn]

Hello and welcome.

I can feel the care for your friend in your words, in that contain worry, frustration and downright anger...anger at this diagnosis. I read those things in your words.

The things I say here are my own specific views and opinions based on my own observations, learning and experiences.

I do have to say that you may be spot on in some things, yes, but I feel that you should be angry at this situation and not this diagnosis.

Anything and everything you've said above could be said about almost *any* mental, physical or emotional illness...not just DID. So while I appreciate that in your specific case it's DID that you're upset about, the bottom-line is the illness, I feel.

The situation your friend is in is a difficult one. I'm the DID'er and I've been in your friend's situation for my entire life, including my childhood. My mother's diagnosis is not DID, by the way.

Yes, I'm one that views DID as a mixed gift. I'm sure it's been a source of confusion and frustration in the life of my loved ones, but I can guarantee you that no one has taken care of me, that I've ruined no one's life, etc. I've been the caretaker for my entire life. There again, I think you might be frustrated at your friend's specific situation wherein the mother "just happens to be DID". There again, it could've been any diagnosis as most DID'ers I know are on the higher end of functioning.

It's extremely sad, the situation you've described here and I so feel for your friend. I've been there. I had to break away. Your friend will have to as well.

If she's an adult, only she can map the course for her own life, set boundaries that she won't allow to be crossed and realize her own limitations. Is that incredibly hard to do with an ill parent? ABSOLUTELY. Can it be done? YES. I feel your friend needs to be in therapy. I pray she will do this for herself...to move forward in her own life.

If her mother needs as much assistance as you describe, can they contact outside resources to help? Would other family members jump in when given no choice but to help if your friend begins making boundaries and doing self-care?

I understand that it's a difficult situation, but if you friend is an adult, SHE DOES HAVE CHOICES. The choices might not be pleasant, but there are choices. Is she making the most of those choices in the given situation? Is she uses all resources available to her mother?

There is alot of help out there, and basically your friend has to decide, sooner or later, how much of her life she's going to continue giving up...despite the feared cost. I lived 30 years continuing to act, do and be based on some of those same fear, and guess what? When I did do something about it, the world didn't swallow me up whole and the sky didn't fall on my or my mother's head. She survived. I survived.

Again, I know it's hard because I've been there and I'm the DID'er. Again, your statements could be made generally about any significant mental, medical or emotional illness. Again, the situation is one your friend is choosing whether or not she feels she has good choices. Again, this entire dynamic can be heard in so many situations across the board...even in those families where there aren't significant illnesses, but boundary issues.

I hope that your friend will come by. There's alot of support here to be had for her. She not only has the right to live her own life, but the responsibility to do so...to herself and her mother.

You didn't upset me at all so no worries. I understand that it's an illness your angered at due to your extreme care. I have a concern that you'd specifically blame DID in a generalizing way, when it's the specific situation, but that's OK. But, because you have, I needed to share my understanding, knowledge and experience as well.

Be angry at the situation, be angry that abuse and illness even exist, put the focus on that anger in helping your friend LIVE.

With respect,

KD

Great post, KD!

I have been in a similar situation for my entire life (and still am, although I am working hard at learning to set boundaries) and my mom isn't DID - she is an alcoholic.

I'm so sorry that your friend is feeling trapped. I was terrified to set boundaries with my mom - I literally, LITERALLY thought that the end result would be her death. My T has helped me see that that isn't so - and that if that IS what happened, she is an adult, and if that is where her choices lead her, that is her responsibility, not mine (whew! that's hard to type - but I know he is right).

Your friend is lucky to have you on her side.

I share this.. piece of my life with you... in hopes that like KD has said in her post... put in my own words... your friend can set boundaries...

First... I am a DIDer... with PTSD... and GAD... with an ED... yes.. wow.. many conditions...

I can tell you like KD.... I have always been caretaker of everyone in my family.. and extended family....

I love... my family... I love my friends.. and I have always been the caretaker.. even as a very young child....

And.. I made choices... when I became pregnant... I entered therapy... and stayed in therapy... my son is going to be 24 soon.. so.. it has been a very long time..

I got a BS degree... I worked a full time demanding job... with on-call.. all before I was diagnosised... as DID

My own Mom... was sick.. all of my life.. I am 52.. and she died when she was 82.. her sickness.. was her heart... it was damaged by reuhmatic fever... when she was 16 - not something she could help either..

My mom... was not a giver... she could have been if she had wanted to be... she did not want to be... she took.. and she took.. and she would take as much.. as you were willing to give..it was her Personality... yes.. not DID... a one personality...

Hence... boundary setting..for me..with her....

This hit home for me... when I had my son... WOW.... how.. much energy... did I have.. and how was I to divide it.... well boundaries were set... my son... first... and... me.. I had to have time.. and friendships.. and be a "normal" mom - my son... a baby... really brought that home...

So... your friend... could actually go to a therapist - and the therapist would be able to help her set firm boundaries.... so she could have a life... herself.... that...is really my recomendation..

You and she could say to me " but... but... but... her mom neeeeddddssss her"... and I would say.... boundaries... it is possible.. it is needed.. it is necessary...

And yes.. this is from a DIDer... about her mom.. who had a physical illness...

My son... has no clue... that I am DID... and I am on the very severe end.. of it....his life.. really impacted for the betterment... because he had ME... as his Mom... a loving.. caring.. wonderful Mom....who just happened to be DID...

So... I guess... it is about boundaries... difficult choices that your friend.. must now make in her life...

It would be.. simliar.. if her mom was physically ill... or an achohalic.. or a drug addict... or really anything... where.... the Mom's demands.. completely overtook someone else's life... and they allowed their life to be overtaken..

Yes... I do consider my DID... to be a gift from God... because of the horrific ... horrific abuse that I went thru... Thank God... that I do not have all the memories in one place... Yazza..

I have a very high IQ.... discovered.. in grade school...I have creative talents... I have a highly developed 6th sense.. to other people's pain..

I have used my experiences... to find children that are sexually abused.. and get them help... I have used my 6th sense.. to identify... battered women... and make friends... and slowly... get them out of the home...and this helped them... and their own children...

That is why... in part I consider my DID a gift...

You see... a DIDer... can have a very.... positive impact on other people's lives... rather than a negative..

"normal" people are impacted... too by me... because of my loving, gentle, non-jaded... non- bitter.... alters... and it raises their compassion... makes them realize how much they love their lives..that they were "gifted"... with wonderful experiences...

Yes... I have gone... on and on... and on.. in this post..

I just wanted you to realize.. it is not the DID....

It is "the person".... your friend's Mom..

So the both of you can talk about... setting boundaries.... and changing your friend's life for the better....

I have been there where your friend is now... with my own Mom... and not because.. she was DID... because she had a very bad.. physical condition....

And... my Mom... would call me.. at work.. say "I have a bladder infection"... I would call... get her an appt with dr... arrange to take time off... and then have her refuse to go..
Then... there I was at work... worried sick... and calling and convincing.. her to go to dr... and she did eventually - but all that time.. all that impact on my life... Yazza..

That... was before my baby... and before.. I learned boundary setting..

After the boundary setting... my Mom... truely.. did "live"... she was 82.. so she had.. a very long life...

I wish you well..

I wish you understanding of my post..

I wish you peace...

I wish I could.. help your pain... your friends pain... and her Mom's pain...

[kimmydawn]

I agree with both of you and thank you for posting what you did.

I just wanted to share a bit more.

I think it's important to clarify that it being called a "gift" is not (for the most part) to say it's something embraced like one would a beautiful diamond ring...to admire and adore...to use as an excuse not to fix what's not working in our lives.

I think the term gift is used to say that it was a gift created from within to save us our sanity or worse. That is the way the word "gift" is used here for the most part and from what I've seen.

I think it's referred to an ongoing gift in that the skills and tools accompanying allow for some of us to be possibly even higher functioning that the "norm" in certain things. People often look at me and say, "how do you handle such and such. I couldn't!" And this is from a mentally "healthy" person. There are specific skills with this that can certainly be used as a gift.

I just wanted to clarify my use of the word gift and what I often feel I read in that word. It's not used to say, "Oh, this is great! Not a thing messed up anywhere in my life!" in a form of denial or what have you. It's used to say, "Wow...considering...this illness kept me alive, sane, functioning, so much. Now I have to make this 'gift' work for me and my life where it's not."

KD

[wanttoheal]

Hi JackKerouac,
I can understand your feelings here, but like KD, I think it's mental illness in general and I'm so sorry your friend is having to deal with so much right now.

As far as DID being a gift, I have mixed feelings about it. It did save me but it definitely causes some problems now.

I have DID. I'm a parent of two children, who are grown for the most part. During most of their growing up years, I did not know I had DID. LIke KD, I'm a caretaker here and no one takes care of me but I have wondered sometimes if there was always someone who took care of my children.

There were times where I was not the greatest mom. I was inconsistent mostly from what I've found out. I may have done the best I could, but I think I was lacking in a lot of ways. But, my kids do not have to take care of me, nor did they ever have to.

My daughter loves children and loves to babysit even though she has a job and is a full time student in college. She said she learned how to get right down on a child level and interact with the kids because of her mom and the way her mom did the same.

My son has needed a caretaker until very recently. He struggled and raged and had all sorts of things going on for him that he was not able to cope with. He could hardly take care of himself let alone his mom. Turns out he has bipolar. Now that he is older, he's realized the need for his medicine and he's doing okay for the most part. He's not DID.

Both of my kids are very strong independent adults now. They can take care of themselves but if anyone takes care of anyone, it's still me taking care of them. And I'm glad to be able to do that.

Do I want someone to take care of me? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I think what it might be like if someone would take care of me, but when it comes down to it, I don't know that I could handle it. It would feel smothering to me I think.

As far as I know, I've never really had anyone take good care of me and so I think it would be extremely hard for me to allow anyone to try now.

If your friend's mom is struggling so much that she cannot function in her daily life, it's my opinion that there is more going on than DID. DID is all about survival and doing what needs to be done to survive. I do not know what medication your friend's mom is taking, but there is no medication for DID.

I'm so sorry for your relationship with your friend and I'm so sorry that your friend feels she has to take care of her mom. I hope your friend will reach out for support and help.

Best of everything to you Jack and welcome to Psych Central

[Kiya]

Hi,
Wow for a moment there this post could have been about me... 100%... at least until the "siblings" I was sure you knew me. Lol.
And here's the thing... I am also DID... my mom is something... DID or something.... and I do end up taking care of her. I have been told time and time again that I am only ENABLING her. She's a grown woman, and she makes her self the child to have me be the mom. I know, cuz I'm DID. I know that in any given situation, there are alters that can take over. I've now lived with my mom for 10 years. I have no life. I also now have a very good care team walking me step by step towards health including being away from mom. She's 68, she can live life on her own. She doesn't want me to think that and when I make feeble attempts to get out, she hooks me back in with her depression, fears, reasons why I will fail, suddenly get hurt or get in an accident.... the list goes on... and i get reeled right back in. SO! Now this time is my chance!!!! Only because i do have such a good team, and I also have PC where I can see what other ppl's lives look like. All three doctors and my case worker are determined that if i WANT it (which I do) that I will have freedom from this situation so i can finally be able to do the rest of the healing work i need. And mom? She has to learn to stand on her own two feet. Thankfully for me, I have no siblings making me feel gulity... only about 5 child alters But I think that this will finally work and I can break the chains that bind me here.
Your friend's got to want it. You can't do it for her - but it is good of you to seek out info. She has to choose; she can either sacrifice her life to her mom, or she can stop enabling her mom and let them both seek out their lives. Easier said than done - lord how I know.
Best,
Kiya

[JackKerouac]

Wow, thank you everyone who responded. Yeah, I would say I'm not necessarily upset at a diagnosis. It is what it is, and if it's helping her mother then so be it. I am just upset and frustrated because of the situation. As for calling it a gift, I never really had an issue with it. It doesn't matter to me really. I was just finding nothing in any support forums online that even talked about this situation. Granted, I wasn't prepared to spend all day searching the depths of the internet to find it.

I am relieved to know that other people have experienced similar things and that healing is possible. I'm just looking for hope that things can get better. Of course, none of us can say definitely whether they will or not. I just wanted to believe it wasn't a hopeless situation.

As for my friend, she does want very badly to set boundaries. At least that's what I gather from what she has told me. She is an adult, sort of. She is going to school full time and working part time so she can't exactly afford to move out or anything like that, but she's told me time and time again that she plans to move out as soon as she can. She was planning to be able to in about a year, but that got set back a semester because of a mix-up with her college. I think all these things factored together to make her feel very overwhelmed and . . . it's probably why she hasn't made any effort to communicate with me at all recently.

Also, from my understanding her mother is high functioning. She works a full time job, and is able to babysit and carry on like "normal" people. The only thing I know for certain that she is not able to do for herself is drive, and since we live out in a town with no public transportation she does rely on her daughters to get her to and from work. In fact, in the many times I've been to my friend's house her mother has shown no indication that she had any mental conditions whatsoever. But my friend explains that that is because her alters protect each other or something. I don't really understand it, and I don't mind that I don't understand it. The types of things that my friend is expected to do around the house are not necessarily in a care giving role for her mother. Her mother still very much is the care giver in the household. My friend is expected more to do chores, babysit her sister's kids when her sister is working, etc. Very typical things that you would expect any family to have to do. However, none of these things are really my friend's responsibilities. I means, she wants to help out, sure, as she does care about her family a lot. I think she just wishes she didn't have to do as much.

I think it may just be an issue of setting boundaries, after all. She does fear the worst for her mom and I believe that is why she is hesitant to do anything that even MIGHT make things harder. I know that this is an issue that exists in many families that have no one who is DID or anything. But the fact that her mother has been diagnosed with DID complicates it. Perhaps not anymore than if her mother was an alcoholic or something else, but who can say really.

I don't really know how I would be able to suggest to my friend that she look into therapy. That sounds to me like it could very easily be taken the wrong way. But it is evident that she needs to learn how to set boundaries now, and not wait until she is trying to move out and think she will be able to shrug everything off. I know she feels like she has no other option. Would there be a tactful way to bring it up to her? Is it something that she has to do on her own? I realize that she will have to want to do it, and that no one can force anything on anyone if they don't want.

She doesn't spend too much time online (one of the many things she doesn't feel like she has time for anymore), otherwise I would direct to her to this group, as you've all been overwhelmingly supportive and helpful already.

Would depression qualify as "something else" that is going on, or is that just part of DID?

I don't have all the details. And she doesn't plan on giving them to me from what I can tell. It's hard to be on the outside and not really know what is going on for sure. She used to say things to me like "you don't understand" and "if you knew what I've been going through the past two weeks then . . ." etc. And I don't know. And I ask, and of course she doesn't want to talk about it. I do think it would be good for her to talk to somebody though.

I'm sorry I attacked calling DID a gift. I meant no harm. But truly, it amazing to me how so many people can pay for someone else's sins. My friend is only 20 years old, and she's got the world at her feet. I just hope it doesn't take her her whole life to realize what she needs to do.

Alas, I still haven't heard a peep from her in a few days. Which is extremely atypical for our relationship as we've talked every single day for the past 2 years. I worry that she'll try and push me away. And while I don't plan on going anywhere, I can't do much if she refuses to communicate. But . . . thanks again for everything, and most of all for suggesting some very practical steps she can take however difficult they may be.

Perhaps I'll hang out a little more on the boards. Thanks again, and I wish you all well.

[Kiya]

Best thing i can say is just be there. no advice, no attempts, no suggestions. For myself, i would push those away.
When she wants to talk, be there... encourage her. If that opens up, you can mention that you have some resources if she would like them and then let it go at that.
you could even say you've done some research on DID so you can understand more of what she is going through. It is hard to find words for... somethings are so subtle.

Depression could be a part of it, sure, as could anxiety and a host of other things. Each alter can have their own dx.
good luck!

[Kendyll]

Depression is an entirely separate diagnosis - it is NOT necessary to DID. I'd call it "something else".

There is a support group called CODA for people with issues of co-dependence - which sounds VERY much like your friend (and the rest of her family). Co-dependence is an unhealthy family dynamic that can occur in any sort of dysfunctional family (addiction, physical disability, mental illness, otherwise troubled persons). And I'd suggest that the siblings are as much (if not more!) "at fault" as the mother. I don't BLAME anyone, but your friend is not living in in some vacuum of isolation - she does have other family who are making their own choices.

But in some ways, it sounds as if she's still living at home and being asked to help out around the house and with the family. Is she paying rent? If not, then it may not be that unreasonable for her mother to ask her to do chores in exchange for rent-free living. Baby-sitting for her sister? Well...It doesn't sound like this has ANYTHING to do with DID. It sounds like she's living at home and her family expects her to help out around the house.

Maybe she could start paying her mom some small amount of rent - that might help her feel more independent, and less pressured to do "everything" the family asks of her?