?????????????????

I konw I've been posting a lot lately, but as I'm becoming more aware of what's going on, I feel confused a lot - A LOT! - and it's helpful to come here.

So, I know I had a hard session with T yesterday. I posted some stuff about it on the psychotherapy board. I know he held my hands and hugged me - but I don't know if I actually remmeber that or if I know it because I can read it on the board. I do know the secret I told him, but I kind of have to strain to know. But I can't remember anything else about the session!!! And I'm not sure if I remember what I remember, or if I just read about it on the board.

I KNOW that earlier today, the session was still with me, big time. I have a memory of going over the all the details in my mind. I know it was vivid. I remember thinking about it. How could it be so vivid then, and gone now? I mean, it's GONE. Actually, right now, I can remember the very beginning of the session. But that's it. Will it come back? Or is it gone?

I'm positive I talked to T on the phone this morning, but I don't know what was said. Then it seemed like little me was here this afternoon....or was that her in session? Or both? AND WHO AM I RIGHT NOW? I feel really strange. Really.

I'm confused. AGAIN. I really hope someone reads this and responds.

(((((((((((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))))))

It must be a really strange feeling to have some recollection but not all, to feel as though something happened but not quite sure it happened or even if the memory is correct.....I have only one instance in my life to draw on that is similar in nature to the feelings you may be having. Even then, I don't know if what I feel is even close to what you are feeling.

I think it's normal to feel confused when parts are doing their work and making you semi aware of what is going on. I reckon it to putting a puzzle together and not quite having all the pieces of that puzzle in front of you. I can well imagine how you feel off-kilter in that way.

I do hope that things will begin to clear up for you soon. I wish I could help you more than just saying, I think I understand. All I can say is to hold tight and have patience ( I know, easier said than done). Things will come together when they are supposed to, when you are ready for them to do so.

I wish you well!


sabby

(((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))

I feel like that sometimes too. Seems so surreal, that we have a grasp on what has happened in the past, even a brief memory - and then POOF - it disappears and we're not sure why it happens. Doesn't help to make you feel really connected or put together.

If you need to talk, you can PM me ok?

(((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))
Rmemeber, it IS all you... in different facets.
SO it is all stored in there. You can always ask the other parts what happened. Mine now tell me freely or press their experiences in to my mind so i know how things went for them - slowly in this way, the experiences become "ours".
This ends up for me as "reliving" the t session or appointment with md or whatever... and i am learning even with scary things, that when ppl tell me "it's over now - put it behind you", i can't because the other parts who were also present need to process in their own time.
Does this help at all?
The more we try to hold all the pieces, the more I think they slip through our fingers. But if we can let them be, they will mold their own form in the righ time.

kiya

And you know, it's just the dissociation at work. It's frustrating at times, I know, but it's there for a reason.

I really hate it when I dissociate from big things in that way. When I *know* something felt very real and present at one time, but now it feels so distant it's hard to believe it even happened at all. That happens round here a lot. It makes it really hard to hold on to my truth. Because everything that feels real and true in one moment all gets taken away from me in the next.

So, you know, you had a really hard session - emotionally intense, by the sound of it - and now you're dissociating it, and the memory of the session is slipping through your fingers like it was all a dream.
Which is probably your learned response to dealing with intense feelings, given that (I am going to make assumptions here, since I know you are dissociative) you dealt with trauma and intense feelings in childhood in the same way.

I think it' s hard to learn new ways to deal with them, hard to teach yourself that you *can* cope with those things now, and they don't need to be taken away from you. But I do think it can be done, in baby steps. When it happens to me sometimes trying to hold on to the knowledge that I *did* feel those feelings / have that memory / have that experience is enough for now.

Umm I think I'm rambling. Guess I just want to say you're not crazy or losing it or anything... just dissociating from the session's events, because it was big and hard and that's how you've learned to deal with all things of that nature. For me, understanding it from that perspective helps me realise I'm not crazy and also helps me work at learning ways to not dissociate important imformation.

Egads, I hope this makes sense. I am not so sure it does!

(((((((((((earthmama)))))))))) I hope you are feeling some better now. I can relate to having things go hazy or nonexistent sometimes.

When things started happening here with people, it really triggered me and I started to get some flooding memories and flashbacks. A little while later, they disappeared and I was left with knowing I had them, but not having any of the content. The stuff that was going on in my life is what made the floodgates of memory come back, but because my brain was not able to handle the content, the information was pushed back behind the wall for me.

Because of it though, I was able to keep functioning. While I was going through all of that, my functioning was pretty limited. When it got pulled behind the wall again, all I had left was the knowledge that something had come through but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was.

Our brains are amazing in the way they protect us, even now as adults. As I become more aware of things, I'm thankful my brain is able to figure out what to do during these times.

I hope things have calmed down for you now and you are feeling more present. It can be hard when we are in a state of not there and not quite here. Take gentle care.
:Heart::Heart::Heart: