I put this in here because, well, maybe it should have gone in abuse with my other post but ..... another memory i had today was of running away from home when i was around 13/14 .... my mum and dad just weren't emotionally supporting me, we had an argument and i walked in the middle of the night from the village i lived in to .... of all places, my abusers house....... I still feel so much shame .... why did i do this ..... ??????

My T says because there was noone at home, at least i would have had attention off my abuser, even if it was bad attention ..... it was a cuddle ..

She didn't realise until today that he was around a lot of the time ... he was like a step father in fact, he came to my school plays and so on ..... because my father was emotionally cold, she said it was my way of trying to grab some kind of emotion .......

I feel so ashamed ....... i know i will deal with this, just wondered if anyone else had had this happen, everything seems to be flooding back so fast .... and this kinda memory i could do without ......

Jin xxxx how could i run to the person who was hurting me the most ..... I know my t explained it .... i just dont want anyone here thinking 'oh my god she ran to her abuser' it wasn't like that ...... i cant explain, and it was dark and i was scared and he lived in the red light area.... it just seemed sensible at the time .......... sorry maybe i was encouraging him ....... eeeww feel sick

[MINIME]

Jinny no way you should feel like it your fault. He was the adult you were the kid. No matter what you did he was supposed to be the adult. None of its your fault. Please remember that.

[multipixie9]

Sweetie, when a child feels so desolate and alone, bad attention is better than no attention.

It was not bad of you, it was desperate. Sometimes I guilt myself because it is less painful than realizing the depths of my misery and need.

Being human and needing a cuddle is life. One really weird and confusing part of the abuse is that there may be a streak of "good" in it. We may get a bit of what we really need and because it comes from the bad guy we get confused and blame ourselves if we actually felt relief or pleasure or like the bad guy rescued us some times.

Please don't punish yourself for being a young girl with need for support.

THE BLAME IS STILL ON THE ABUSER AND YOUR PARENTS FAILED YOU AND THAT NUDGED YOU TOWARD THE BAD GUY WHO WAS THE ONLY ONE TO HOLD YOU.

I'm sad that this happened to you. I'm also sad it happened to me. The hardest thing for me to admit was that I responded to some of the sexual things I experienced. I don't know why it was so shameful to be human and have a body that responded humanly - but it was. I'm 55 and I am just now REFUSING TO BLAME MYSELF ANY MORE FOR BEING A PEOPLE.

Hugs and comfort Jinny and I wish it were more - I wish I could send healing your way.

Leslie the Human Being

Thankyou all for replying to this .... yet again i thought maybe i would be judged .....

Pixie, thankyou.... i too felt the same as you sometimes and still carry the shame that goes with it .... he was very manipulative, controlling and because he was around so much and did lavish attention on me, albeit the wrong sort, like you say it was something ...... you are so brave to have posted the above, you have touched me, and you have enabled me to say the words to myself and here .... i'll never forget that .... you are very special to me, thankyou ..... Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[multipixie9]

Jinny,

I'm glad I encouraged you. Last year I may not have been able to say that myself due to the heavy shame. My T and God have been helping me realize the truth about some things. I did need attention so badly - like you I was absolutely starving for love and touch. My body is human and even though children are not normally sexual (a bunch) if you sexualize their bodies they are gonna respond. It is human, it is real. I finally decided I am NOT gonna be ashamed that I sought sexual attention. I was in an impossible situation and I did the best I could to make it through alive. ALL BLAME is THEIRS! I was an innocent and they wronged me. I am gonna stop beating up on myself. It's time to get off my own back.

We were good little girls and good teenage girls. We are survivors!!!

HOORAY FOR JINNY AND HER INSIDERS FOR LESLIE AND HER PIXIES!!!

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((((((((((((jinnyann)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
there should be no shame in seeking attention at a time when u neeeded it the most. when we're children its hard to differentiate between 'good' attention and 'bad' attention and oft times any attention or affection is better than none. our heart goes out to you for the difficulty u must be experienceing with this memory - sometimes new memories really suck. bead definitely would never judge you no matter what memories or feelings you have. T told us something that really helped us - maybe it will help u too:
the memories, no matter what they are, do not define the person that you are now.
beadlady29

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((jinnyann)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Everyone needs to feel love and caring. It sounds like he was someone who was important in your life and he gave you attention which you craved and were denied by your family. I imagine it was very frightening to be alone, at night when you left your parents. I can understand going to a familiar place. I am just so sorry any of it happened. Please know that I don't judge you at all.

BB

*tears* Thankyou so much ...... for the comforting words of wisdom. Bead lady you are right, it does help .... thankyou pixie, yes, we deserve to get off our own backs .... we ARE survivors ..... and we should be proud, ARE proud ..... WE ROCK BB and everyone who replied, I thank you so much for not judging me .... i think i am over guilt a lot, shame is still a big issue right now but i'm working on it .... once both of these factores are dealt with, i think moving on will be quicker ......

love you all, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((jinny)))))))))))) there are reasons why we do the things we do in life. sometimes they dont make sense at first but as we learn more about ourselves and our lives, it becomes more understandable.

good job working through this stuff. you're awesome.

((((((((((((((((wantto)))))))))))))))))))

thankyou so much ......i dont feel awesome .... ifeel like a big baby and i dont feel in control right now....

thankyou, love ya,, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo

[RozG]

((((((((Kerry))))))) therapy is hard. it takes guts. memories flooding back fast hurts. it feels like it just happened yesterday. at the time this happened you were young, scared, vulnerable. it was very brave of you to share this with us so we can reassure you it was NOT your fault...you were a child...and also the feelings / thoughts you are having now over it are perfectly normal. i hope talking about it can help you heal and please know we are all here for you when it feels too much.

please know that we all Love and Respect you hun

[beadlady29-old]

please DO NOT feel like your a big baby - you are actually very stron to be facing memories at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it will come in time - be patient with urself and gentle
beadlady29((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jinnyann))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[iamtwilight]

(((jinnyann)))

i totally agree with beadlady. the fact that you are processing these memories is a sign of you being strong. i know you may not feel that way... it takes time to accept stuff like that.

i also often ran to my abuser... but i did not realise she was abusing me at the time. maybe that was your case too back when this incident happened?

anyways, i don't think you're a big baby or a bad or a sick person. here, nobody ever gets judged. that's why i love this place. we're all equal and worthy here. =)