Update

I found out a little more about Jon's system the other day. It sure explains some things. I've known about Jonathan and Jonny, and I've spoken to the Core a few times. Then there's J.T. - except J.T didn't seem to make sense. It was like there were more than one guy called J.T. Sometimes he's arrogant, sometimes he's really scared, sometimes he's angry, sometimes he's really sad. He told me once that he is a "double agent".

I got to talk to the arrogant J.T., and he explained to me that "J.T" is the common name given to all the emotional states that Jon can't access any other way at this point. "We're the dumping ground" is the way he put it. Not fully developed identities. More like the personifications of feelings he can't express, and they all go by the name J.T.
That' s interesting, and it really clears up some of my confusion. It's not someone else trying to pretend he's J.T. It's someone else who IS J.T.

On another good note, my best friend Slash got to meet the guys last night. Jon and I have talked about maybe letting Slash know. I've known him for heading on toward twenty years and he's seen more of MY brand of crazy than anyone else on the planet. He's a good man. He and Jon are getting to be really good friends too, and they were hanging out while I was at a meeting. Jonathan and Jonny were really curious and came out to introduce themselves. I hear it went well (I thought it would) and the guys are really happy to know someone else who can accept them for just who they are. Pretty cool stuff.

I guess I just want to keep you guys informed on how things are going. I really don't have anyone else to share this with. Thanks for listening!

(((Kendyll & Jon)))

that sounds great! keep it up!


twilight

Sounds like it's going well. That's great

Oh, things have gotten all messed up...
Jon's doing well - it's Jonathan and Jonny who are having a rough time.

For some time now, they've felt threatened by something they call "the Big Guy" - someone big and strong and violent who's out to hurt them all. Whenever he shows up, there's always a huge fight and someone gets hurt. They can usually force him to leave, but I've "seen" them wear themselves out to the point that they have to go away and heal for several days.

There's one particular manifestation of J.T. who's more able than anyone else to handle this guy - the one I've come to know best. I think he has the most power against the Big Guy because I suspect that the Big Guy is actually another J.T.

Day before yesterday, the Big Guy came back hard and (from what I could tell) it was a real battle. Eventually, it was over...with some collateral damage.The Guys tell me that Jonathan managed to kill the big Guy, but that in doing so, he killed their friend J.T. as well. He's really torn up about it, as is Jonny. They're inconsolable...and Jonathan is feeling especially guilty. He knows he did what he had to do to protect everyone, but he feels really guilty that two persons died at his hands.

I don't even know what to say. I'm still not sure whether or not alters CAN be killed and I am sure that it was self-defense. I just wish I knew what I could do to help.

It can be really scary, though. Whenever they were fighting, Jon was physically going through it all - sometimes from both perspectives. The only thing I could do was make sure that he didn't get hurt. Make sure that he didn't fall to the floor too hard, keep him breathing, keep dangerous objects away - that sort of thing...It's scary sometimes.

But on a better note - we might have found an affordable (but well-recommended) T that can take him. My T gave me this lady's name for Jon, and he recommended a clinic he works with for me (cause I can't afford therapy right now). Hopefully, there will be treatment for all.

Again, thanks for listening. Thank you so much, all of you.

Wow, i dunno kendyll. I've not had anything like that happen that I know of. All I know is that T said parts can't be killed because they are part of me.

I'm glad you both are getting a T though. That's awesome news. Thanks for keeping us posted.

wow, kendyll, you are taking wonderful care of your boyfriend. that is amazing.

i have a friend with DID and she says one of her alters was killed, and she hasn't emerged ever since. she and her system are still, however, afraid of whether she is dormant.

glad you have found T's! that will help a lot.


twilight

Things is better right now.
The guys are feeling better, which is a good thing.

I saw the new T yesterday, and I really like her a lot! I'm going to be seeing her, too - she's cheaper than the clinic and she's nice and she's knowledgeable about both DID and PD's. She's also cool with me going back to my regular T when the insurance kicks back in.
Jon sees her tomorrow. I hope he likes her...

I know you guys can't answer all my questions, so maybe i just want to talk about some stuff...
We've picked up on a disturbing trend. He has a tendency to mis-remember conversations we've had and mis-read some of my feelings. Like - he remembers me being angry about something and he remembers me saying things that I didn't say. Kinda like he's oversensitized to rejection, so he sees it everywhere, even if it's not. I get that - I've got some of it myself - but it's hard to hear, and it hurts when he accuses me of being mad at him all the time. Geez, the most I usually feel is mild annoyance, and even then I've learned over the years to keep my mouth shut and let it pass.

I'm just trying so hard to be a good partner...I don't want to tiptoe around him, but I want to avoid triggering him unnecessarily. Sometimes it's just hard to keep every single scrap of my BPD under control. Sometimes it's just hard to keep emotions in general under control.

How would you guys like your partner to approach you about thing you do that hurt them? I don't want to make it all about me, but do I have any rights to how I feel? Am I allowed to address false accusations? When I try to explain that I wasn't angry, he just tells me that I'm lying to him and I'm not being honest...How can I be honest with him when we're working from two separate realities?

Hugs and love to all of you wonderful strong, good people!!

(((((((((((((((kendyll))))))))))))))

i'm glad that jon & co are doing better. hopefully therapy will help with jon thinking you are not being honest with him. i do understand how it feels, hubby thinks i am mad at him a lot of the time when i am actually mad at myself for something. hope it gets better.

lost

wow, kendyll,

the stuff with your fella makes my system look practically angelic! reading your posts makes me think that you may want to talk to your new T about how jon sees things so differently from how you feel they are. there has to be some way to arbitrate between each other or it will become too hard to keep being misunderstood all the time. that would drive me bonkers if it went on all the time. i understand being sensitive, but to be constantly accused would be too much to handle all the time. maybe the T can help find a way to work out something to help in communicating and help to address cognitive distortions jon has.

it sounds pretty darn intense and i think you are doing a good job helping him. just take good care of yourself too!!!!!

hugs,

leslie and pixies

Well, his T appointment got rescheduled for this afternoon.
I hope it goes well. I'll let you know!

He likes her!!!
So far so good!

Great news!!

Oh, I wanna be gone, I wanna be gone, I wanna be gone.
I can't do it, I can't do this anymore.
I can't tell which of us is crazy anymore. I don't think it's me, but I don't KNOW!!!!!!

OK, history lesson. Saturday afternoon, he bought a bottle of vodka, poured a cocktail, but then didn't drink it. I found it, tho, and Jonathan and then Jon and I had a long talk about it.

I come home today and he's really scared and sad. I take a drink of his Pepsi and I SWEAR I taste bourbon. I wanna know where it is, and Jonathan starts calling me paranoid and accusing me of not trusting them. He's turning this all around on me like I'm the one doing something wrong.
I can't find a bottle. I SWEAR I'm not wrong!!! But i can't prove it. Yeah, I'm paranoid, but just 'cause I'm paranoid doesn't mean there ain't something going on.

I just wanna go home. Wanna go home. But this IS home and I wanna just die. I know I can't, but it sure feels that way.

(((((((((((((((Kendyll))))))))))) I am so sorry it's so hard right now. I know how hard it is to want to rescue someone who isn't so sure they want rescuing. It's so wearing.

I know it's hard to think and more hard to do, but if you can, please take care of you too. Jon is a survivor and he can take care of himself (even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes). His brain was made to survive.

Maybe you can concentrate on you for a bit to get some relief? I know it's difficult to take care of self, but you can be a better support for others if you are able to take some time to take care of you.

Please take care. We care about you.

The guys did apologize to me before we went to bed. Jon says he understands that my shaky trust is a consequence of his actions, and he's not mad at me. That's good...

Jonathan asked me why I didn't trust him (he knows why it's hard for me to trust Jon right now). I told him that...it's his job to protect Jon. If it comes down to choosing sides, I'm pretty sure that in the end, he's going to continue to protect Jon. He said that wasn't really fair, but that I was probably right.

I can't shake the feeling that he/they lied to me. I don't know what to do...Part of me says "let it go" and the rest of me does NOT want to tolerate lying. Betrayal. I'm stuck. I can't "prove" he lied to me and I can't "prove" he was telling the truth. And without "proof", my head just keeps going in circles.

Take care of me? How? I don't get it.
I'm just so tired. He does so many wonderful things for me that it spins my head around when things go bad.

And now he's got his own reality and he's made me the bad guy. Apparently, I'm the one who is crazy. I'm the one yelling obscenities at him for hours on end. I'm the one who doesn't remember what's going on. I'm the one who's completely wrong.

If I didn't know better, I'd say he's got the BPD...It hurts. And because it's his reality, there's no way I can prove otherwise. No way I can prove what I said an hour ago. No way I can prove to him that's NOT what I'm thinking. Nothing I can do.

I don't even know who I was talking to for part of yesterday. The Judge, maybe? That's when things got bad. Someone who didn't know me came out and took over everyone. He put us all "under oath" and made the guys tell him what was going on. I couldn't hear most of the conversation...unless he was speaking directly to me. Then he "released" Jon into Jonathan's custody - but that's when the distortions started, that's when the false memories kicked in.

And I feel so helpless.

(((((((((((Kendyll)))))))))) Sounds like you really need to start protecting and taking care of self. It can be learned. Can you talk to your T? You need to take care of you.

((((((((((kendyll))))))))))

please be safe. take care of you. much as you may not want to, it may be time for a break while he adjusts to therapy. jmho

lost

Found out some more about what's going on, both on top and underneath. And it's stirring up my stuff. Life can be so cruel.
triggertriggertriggertrigger


I'd been wondering, but I was never going to ask. As a child, he was molested by his mother. I know she used to beat him but I didn't know about that. Actually, he doesn't know about that either. Jonathan does. At least I think it was Jonathan...When they get upset it can be hard to tell them apart. I know his wife sexually abused him. That's bad enough. But his mother, too?
No wonder he/they have a hard time trusting me some days.

This brings up crap for me, too. I was "lucky" I suppose - mine were "just" date rapes (mostly). I just wanna go home and hold him and cry.

You guys are all SO strong and brave. He is so strong and brave. Amazing what the human spirit can overcome, one way or another. Nobody deserves to be abused. NOBODY.