monday montage

need to say things, didn't sleep last night, read upsetting email from a friend going through something hard, my husband got up way early and sat 4 feet and 1 continent away from me. my daughter called for support on her way in to a new, challenging job and it's 8 o'clock in the morning and i feel as if i've lived the whole day already. various posts here of other people in pain and struggle and deep inside i want to cry for them, for me, for i don't know what....

i guess what is really bothering me this morning is that people on line know me better than my own husband and appear to care more. people literal continents away closer than the man i share my bed with (when i can sleep). 28 years, more than half my lifetime spent with this one man and he doesn't believe that i am d.i.d. that still blows my mind. does he think i've been to counseling for over 15 years as a hobby? "gee, i don't really like to knit, i think i'll spend the next few decades in counseling instead."

(((((((((((((multipixie)))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. It's hard when those around us don't support or understand. I'm glad you are finding support here. I think sometimes people just can't grasp what goes on for us. I know here, when things were very unsafe and rough, outsiders had no clue. I was saying that I couldn't handle things anymore and I really felt that, but the brain only knew how to survive and so on the outside, I was doing things and things were getting done and it was so contradictory. It made it very hard for people to understand what I was saying because my actions said other things.

Hang in there multipixie. It will get better.

thanks wanttoheal,

insomnia got me down yesterday. it makes life harder. plus i so hate to be disbelieved. pet peeve of mine because i try hard to be an honest person.

thanks for your kind support. sometimes i just need to rant a little bit!

big hugs and support for you too!!!!!

Yes, we understand, too. We feel normal only here and in group therapy. everywhere else is just an act. Like W2H my actions don't match my words. Even tonight at the end of group, ppl were asking me if I was ok and I couldn't understand why. I nod yes, but my eyes or face say something different. I am better when supporting others so the focus isn't on me.
I am drifting... and off topic... i wish your husband couldn understand you. Can you hand him a book?? The one I handed my t was "The DID Sourcebook".
(((((((((((((Leslie)))))))))))

Hey friend, you need to get some sleep as DID worsens without it. I know how had things must be as i live in a simular enviorment. But you hang in there, we are always here for you!!!!! And understand the road to this is such a long journey. Thank you for sharing....

((((kiya)))) and ((((beckyc))))

thank you for the support. i appreciate it. my husband states it openly, "i do not believe d.i.d. exists". which means he thinks i am a liar, i am delusional or i am stupid or i am acting to manipulate or for attention. i am not usually any of those things because of my spiritual relationship with God. but, it really hurts deeply to be disbelieved and also i have hit the most scary kind of abuse yet. i type it so neatly but i did a s.i. for the first time today in 15 years. that's why i am up typing this time of the morning to try to not continue s.i.

i just wish someone would take care of me for once. just once.

sorry for the self-pity. i'm having trouble facing a certain kind of abuse episode and i need to take care of my littles.

Hey there, Multipixie people... I was sure I had written a reply to you in this thread, but I don't know what happened to it.

Don't be sorry for what you label as 'self-pity'. It is SO okay for you to want to be taken care of... and not just once, but to have people in your life who validate and care for you ALL of the time. I am so very sorry that isn't how your reality is at the moment. I know how much that hurts.

Also, I guess I want to say something like... it is so hard to heal in that kind of environment, too, when one has to struggle so hard for self acceptance, let alone acceptance from others. So hard to heal when one experiences constant invalidation. We recently went to somewhere from our past where we were validated, and being able to experience that validation and acceptance again made us realise how much we crave it... how much we NEED it. And we are thinking that maybe we need to towards getting us to live in that place again, because we are getting absolutely nowhere in our current environment. We bow to the whims of those around us, which are not in our best interests. We deny the essence of our own being because it doesn't fit into others perceptions or understanding. So... we need to find a way to get what WE need to heal. And a big part of that is experiencing validation... and acceptance... and recognition of who WE are. So that ALL of us within can experience care and love and healing.

I hope that one day we manage to find that for us... and that you manage to find that for you. Denial, rejection, abuse and suppression has gone on for far too long.

Peace to you, Pixiepeople. Please don't hurt you anymore. There's been too much hurt for far too long. It is okay to care for you and all those little ones inside now, especially as you face yet another layer of tuff stuff. Be good to you.

Leslie, I am sorry ....

((((((((((((((multipixie9))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. It's so hard to not be believed with things. I feel the same way, not just with DID (I don't talk about that with anyone but T generally) but with everything in my life. Like you, I try so hard to be truthful about things, but at the same time, I am unable to tell a lot of things due to having been programmed to keep secrets.

I think for me, one reason it's always been so important for me to be believed is because before I learned what was going on (and accepted that to a degree), I always felt like someone was tricking me. When people would say I did this or that or would say I said this or that, I would deny it because I had no memory of it. And they would not believe me. I think they thought I was lying because they had seen or heard with their own eyes things I had said or done but there I was saying no way, I did not do or say that. I guess for them it was kind of like a small child with chocolate cake on his face denying that he licked the frosting.

Anyway, I don't know that that is the only reason I fear people not believing me, but it's definitely one reason. DID is way out there sometimes in my head and sometimes I just can't believe it and that causes me to think that if I can't even accept it sometimes, how can I expect others to.

It's just so hard. The reasons a person might have any type of dissociation disorder is hard. If one has to believe that dissociation exists to any degree, then one might have to accept that the person went through some stuff that was at least uncomfortable and for DIDers, extreme. Could it be that husband cannot deal with the fact that horrid things might have happened to you? It might just be more than his brain can deal with and in order to be okay, he has to deny it. I'm not saying that's helpful or supportive, but it might be that he is just not capable of more right now.

I'm really sorry that you are struggling though. I'm glad you are here and I hope we can be of some support to you.