it's gettin messy

i'm afraid everyone's gonna get mad at me because i'm gettin messy. i'm saying lots of negative things, making some bad choices(including one s.i. and some over-medicating), feeling sorry for myself and telling what my life at home is really like without the sugar-coating. i've been waitin for the other shoe to drop with my spouse and i thought it was about to drop loudly today, but it was only a passive-aggressive statement of annoyance over my domestic failures. i'm remembering tortures and near death experiences and he's bummed over limited food choices and laundry i don't put away. BUT, when he made his angry statement my whole system went on high alert - you'd have thought he'd been really aggressively mean, and he wasn't.

i do not know how to be in a relationship, which is a problem since we've been married for 28 YEARS! i've spent almost 3 decades with this man and we are strangers. i feel like such a fake. if we are gonna be able to ever have a real marriage it is gonna take something along the lines of a genuine miracle.

i've been given some wonderful cyber-support. it means so much to me, but i'm way skimpy on real life support. that is gettin scary and painful. i'd go back to 12 step programs if i knew a healthy group to go to. i need some accountability. my child alts need some fences for safety boundaries. truth is though in recovery programs i've often chosen abusive sponsors and i won't do that again. i need some love in the truth, some mercy in the straight talking.

i have had an almost universal response of people in my life who said "you are too hard on yourself, why can't you be as kind to yourself as you are to us?" i don't have an answer to that question and i need one NOW cos somethin's gotta give and it can't be my sanity or my physical life.

Are there any chances of your H going to counselling with you?

Something to think about in RL, don't know if you'd be up for it...Do you have any hobbies? Anything you like to do? Perhaps there is some sort of group or club in your area you could check out. That way, you could meet some people you have something in common with, and maybe make a friend or two. Some of the best support I've lucked into have been people outside the recovery world. I didn't start off spilling the whole beans to them, but over time we got to know and trust each other. Sometimes just having people in my life can be enough support for me even if they aren't directly involved. They exist and they like me, and sometimes that's all I need.

I'm really sorry that your H can be such a butt-head. I don't get that - I REALLY don't. Why is it so hard to love and accept someone for who they are? I dno't get it...We love you Pixies.

(((((((((((((( Leslie & Pixies )))))))))))))))))))

Messy happens hon.....floating from positive feelings to negative feelings happens as well. Being here, the support happens too...no matter what space you are in at the time.

You are trying hard to work through the messys.....reach out and let us help you.

Gentle
sabby

hi ((pixie)))

i normally dont post in this forum but ive read your responses elsewhere and you pose some very interesting questions.. i hope something i say might help and it is my sincere hope it will cause you no harm...

first, all of you together is a loving being, loved at all times by your innermost spirit...

you mention above that you need some boundaries and fences for the alters... thats hugely important right now... let your boundaries and fences be strong and impenetrable, but remember that you are the gatekeeper for each.... one fence can hold them all, maybe in separate stalls till you get them all agreeable to a few basic truths?

you are right on the mark in so many ways... put love in front of all you do and you cannot fail... (and you are very very good at it )

the kindness you have for others is an extension of the kindness you have for yourself.. what you would like to do is find a workable system that leaves you less drained each day...

we can do this by managing our inner energy flow...

you know some about meditation so you know some really good relaxation techniques..

let the less healthy thoughts leave you and allow the most healthy to come into your awareness whenever possible.. it will become a trained habit in time...

continue to help yourself with kind and loving words.... really take them in when others offer kind words to you... they are true and they are your friends...

as much as able, use your energy to think the most healthy and healing thoughts for yourself at all times... it can and does automatically flow through you to and with others.. it can have a real powerful positive effect...

be careful of becoming addicted to this new high.. it is fleeting at first, but becomes more smoothed out in time if you stay committed...

i hope you find all the answers you are looking for quickly best always...

Just reminding you to think back to 2004.

Leslie.....

does your husband have some boundaries up even for you?

((((((((((((((((Multipixie))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's hard right now. I think it's awesome though that you are at this point in your healing. I wish your husband was more supportive. I don't know much about 12 step programs but are there any other support groups you might be able to go to for real life support? They wouldn't have to be specifically for DID. Perhaps there is an abuse survivor one or trauma. Hang in there.

(((((((((((((((((((((multipixie))))))))))))))))))))))) Have you looked for groups around you? They may not be DID groups but may be trauma related. I am so sorry that your H is not supportive. Know we are here.



BB

let me thank you all together this one time please. i am exhausted from the most frightening day i've had in a long time. i finally admitted truth in the worst abuse memories i've ever had and it scared some parts of me so badly they pushed abruptly for dying and it overwhelmed me and i did not know what to do. it happened 3 feet away from my husband and he never noticed at all. i must freak out rather quietly. in one day i went from upset to considering going to a lockdown unit back down to basic sanity again. i'm tired and hurt. my T is going to be gone two weeks and it is a retreat time and i do not want to ask to call her she only sees folks like me with heavy duty trauma to deal with and needs a break. so there it is.

thank you all. you respond so generously in your support. i am so glad to be getting to know you. i see the need for a hobby or volunteer group but haven't had mental energy to do that. my time here is my social outlet and hobby too. i feel a bit stuck frankly. i'm extremely verbal but not handy at crafts or other things and i love to help others but right now if i worked in a volunteer place and someone came in hurting i'd start feeling their pain and just can't do that right now.

any one have volunteer ideas that are cheerful as well as useful? all my hankies are staying soggy and i need to put some positives into my mind as you are reminding me.

bottom line is i feel more fragile and wounded than i ever wanted to admit. i am a genuine survivor but i've got some major damage that is 40 years past due for restoration.

thank you sincerely for all your good and uplifting comments and kindness. you are good people!

leslie and her pixies

Leslie... I am so glad you are reaching out for support for yourself through here, especially since your T will be going away soon. I know how intense, draining and overwhelming it is to process RA trauma. Not a good time for you to be 'going it alone'.

Do you chat on here at all? Chat in real time on here helps me ground, refocus, or sometimes just plain old distract. Is it something you coud try, for that little extra measure of support while t is away?

thinking of you... sorry things are so hard right now.
Take care of you.

((((((((((((((((Multipixies)))))))))))) I understand people not even noticing. A lot of the time, I'm gone and people have no clue (nor do I tell them). There are parts of self here that often get suicidal, especially after contact with certain people and it's so hard. I'm so sorry you are struggling with so much right now. I know it's a positive step forward with the memories, but I also know that sometimes they can blow you out of the water, even though it's stuff from the past.

I've found that oftentimes, when I think I've dealt with something, it comes forward from a different angle due to different parts. It's definitely hard. I hope we can support you here. Luce has a great idea about real time chat if you can do it. It can be hard sometimes, but sometimes it can be pretty beneficial to me.

Take gentle care.

thank you luce and want to heal, for some reason i freeze up in chat rooms. i talk too much sometimes so that is puzzling to me that chat would silence me. oh, someone inside just told me that it is the social aspect - give and take that scares us. we learned social behavior late and imperfectly.

thanks for the invite. it will take me a bit of time but i will get into chat. it will just take some time. you all are a real encourage ment! hugs and appreciation,

leslie and her precious pixies

Oh, I can totally relate to the social aspect. There is a social part here, but overall, it's a pretty awkward time for me with the whole give and take aspect of things. I think here it is because anything said is telling our secrets and that's not something allowed. You can only talk about the weather for so long, lol. Sometimes though, even talking about mundane things such as the weather gives support. Give it time. We'd love to see you in chat, but also understand if you can't right now.

Leslie, I am glad that you are feeling better....