[multipixie9]

how long will i cry alone, my guts wringing inside me until i want to puke or cut or do something bad to myself. How long will i hold this pain alone while my spouse sleeps peacefullly in the other room. Why am i still here. I'm sick of being told how strong i am, how brave or whatever. I'm funking alone with agony that tears me into pieces again and again. Will it ever be truly past.

where is god right now. Right now while all the crap i shoved down into my heart for ****ing decades comes screaming up my throat alone alone. Damn it all.

i care when people hurt. I can't not care. But people can not care about me so easily i am not invisible and i bleed like anyone else. Why does no one see me. No one sees me.

i am very pissed off by that

all the easy ways out in my home are off limits. A conscience can be a real pain in the ***. I always thought it was bad form to commit suicide and ask someone else to clean it up off the floor.

i knew that at age 18 which is better than any of my abusers ever knew. I am sure you will have to haul this post off since i broke every rule my angry littles can remember.

signing off. One pisssed off bunch of pixies. Not so cute now are we!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[deliquesce]

((((pixie)))))

stay safe, sweetie. could you go wake your partner up and ask for a cuddle?

[multipixie9]

Thanks De,

nice idea, but no. i can't. like all the men i ever knew he thinks sex IS a cuddle.

to a survivor like me it is NOT.

i am ****ing desperate tonight and finally mad enough to show the bad mad *****y side of me. i am a ****ing ***** and mad as hell. its cuss or cut and i decided bad manners is easier to fix than my arteries.

better apologise than bleed out.

i know you are trying but its band aides on cancer.

[deliquesce]

you are being strong and brave. i am with you in that cussing is better than cutting. so get it all out here!

i will stay with you and offer you safe hugs from australia.

[multipixie9]

I'm so angry and as usual alone. This mad ***** is who i need to be in that damn counseling room i've been going to for 14 years

what stupid wimp takes 14 years to find her inner ***** and backbone???????? I did my best to swallow all the rapes, all the torture, all the semi-drownings, all the knives held to my throat and the one they held my hand across until it took a babies life. I am ****ing tired of holding it all inside so i wont hurt anyone like they hurt me. How long will my body and mind hold me into the pain of this. I am so angry and tired of this pain. I rage inside and i am a christian and somehow we christians are not supposed to rage and curse and want to do acts of violence and desperation!!!

Pollyanna be damned i hate my life and i wish i was dead. I will never want to be like them. I wouldnt hurt them if god himself held them still for me. I despise them for ****ing cowards to hurt babies and small children. Perverted cowards and miserable sons of *****es. Damn them all to hell i hate their ****ing guts i wish they would rot in the lowest hell and i'm really pretty damn sure they all will.

My littles want comfort so much and i want karate lessons.

How can i give them what i can't ever remember getting???

Leslie in agony and rage and bitterness and hatred

[Luce]

I dont have words to give you leslie but I read yours and I hear you.
I hear your rage. And your anguish.

And i know that means nothing and can't do diddlysquat to take any of it away or ease any of it for you.

Your rage is real.
Your pain is real.
It is all so big.
i know how big it is.

my words arent good. but we hear you and from way over here we care, even though that cant even help you way over there. we know the hurt you are going thru. i am sorry we cant take it away for you. we would if we could.

[possum220]

Dear Hun,

Just a suggestion to get some of this anger out........ Go to the car, take a pillow and blanket with you and scream out your pain into that pillow. Say as much as you need to. Cry as much as you need to.......... Let it OUT. Let it go..........

Thinking of you

Possum

[silentandscared]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Leslie))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((PIXIES))))))))))))))))))))))

l can hear all your hurt and pain and just want you to know that we are with you all. W e here your rage and anguish and all of it is so perfectly understandable. Im sory you're in pain and hubby is sleeping , we too know that very well..........there is nothing worse than being and feeling so alone with all this rage.........................all l can say to you all is that

WE CARE.................WE ARE HERE...................WE HEAR YOU......WE WANT TO HELP YOU..........TALK TO US ANDD VENT ALL YOU NEED

[onlymedid]

Leslie and the Pixies, I am so sorry I didn't get here til now. I hope you are feeling better today. I know you are in pain and I am so thankful that you are cussing instead of harming yourself.

There are going to be tough patches, but you are so strong. You can fight this. Breathe deep and alot!

Sending you tons of

[multipixie9]

thank you all SOOO MUCH, your kindness means huge things to me and i just wish you did not have to know about this stuff. we know you really understand and that means you have all been hurt. thank you for taking time to share your strength and compassion.

deliquesce, sorry i could not respond to your suggestions you were so kind, we just can't think of anything to say, that's different. guess we finally used up our words.

luce, from so far away you were closer than my very own family and it really helped. thanks.

possum, i suspect i will be able to take this suggestion soon as this is sort of the start of emptying a large place of pain and misery inside. i am glad we survived this and can see how it doesn't really kill us to remember and feel things. thank you!!

silentandscared, thank you i really will take you up on the offer to vent with you and it does go both ways. seems easier to be kind to someone outside than inside and i appreciate all your kindness.

hugs to all of you so much,

leslie and all

[DianasClan]

We hope you are feeling better and that the rage has passed. you are always there for us and we wish to be there for you. we are glad you posted here and did not cut. we understand how hard that is to do and think you are very strong and brave to do that.

hugs to you and all the pixies

vbox for the clan

[Sannah]

Leslie, I know that Phil has heard you before (I remember 2 times in the last month). Are you sure that you are communicating with him what you need? I am not talking about him accepting the Pixies. I am talking about you telling him what you need.........

[multipixie9]

sannah,

i am not sure i even know how to recognize what i need, much less communicate it with phil.

i finally told him i was having some difficult feelings coming up and that that was why i'd been in a bad place all weekend. i asked if he had any questions about what i said and he said, nope and that was the end of the conversation.

i usually can't tell anyone when i need something. wish i could. hugs,

leslie

[Kendyll]

Please don't take this wrong...I'm so glad you could be angry. It feels really ugly, but it's important. I'm sorry it was so hard for you and I'm sorry that your man can't be of any help to you. You deserve love and support. We love you.

[multipixie9]

hi there kendyll,

no i took it the correct way. i knew you meant it was better for us to get the anger up and out of ourselves. thanks that is the truth, i know now. it did feel ugly because some of the words that come out are so angry/ugly. but gross as it is to say it, it is like trhowing up poison. it needs to come out. you are right!

yes, it makes me sorry phil has trouble being kind when i am hurting or distressed. so i guess that is what the vows mean when they say taking each other for better or worse. there's some "worse" going on both sides.

i gotta go pick up new antibiotics and pain meds. the root canal in an abscessed tooth has kept me up all night. thanks for the support sweetie,

leslie and pathetic pixies in pain

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Leslie and all ))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i am not sure i even know how to recognize what i need, much less communicate it with phil.

i finally told him i was having some difficult feelings coming up and that that was why i'd been in a bad place all weekend.

i usually can't tell anyone when i need something.

Yeah! You told him! Leslie, this is important. He might not have given you a "female response" but he heard you and he did take note. If you keep telling him then he possibly won't get angry and impatient with you because he will understand why you might be behaving a certain way. If you keep practicing you will get better at it!

[multipixie9]

oh!!! so i did do it correctly. i guess i did hope for a female response (can you say, ohhh, poor baby!!! =)

he just responded in a clipped, distant way that i thought i'd messed up by telling him after not saying what it was all weekend. i get so confused. for someone who loves words and wishes to communicate, i am a flop at words with my spouse; it sure is frustrating! grr.

leslie

[notz]

Leslie,

People here at PC love words and enjoy communicating. Lots of females here. Female words have love in them. You are loved here.

I'm a fan of yours, I learn a lot from you. Thank you.

stay safe,
notz

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i thought i'd messed up by telling him after not saying what it was all weekend.