I am a hypocrite

I must confess I am a hypocrite. I have harmed myself a couple of days ago to get away from the turmoil inside myself. And I give advice, because I care about others. But really have no idea how to deal with the enormity of rage and frustration and the endless processes.

I am so two faced. I just don't know where to put the pain. Except to change the focus. I hurt inside, I lie, I smile. I do not tell others no.

Its just too hard.

Possum

I, too, often feel like a hypocrite. Your post sounds a lot like what I am going through at the moment, so I can understand! Dealing with inner turmoil is a difficult process.

My T has been having me do art and write A LOT! It really does help, believe it or not. With the art you just draw whatever you want in whatever colors you want at that moment in time. If you have a T, take it to them, they can make sense of it when you may not be able to. For the writing, just getting your thoughts out of your mind on a daily basis is extremely helpful. I have discovered feeling and thoughts that I didn't know were even there. It, also, helps to make sense of feelings when it doesn't seem there is any meaning or reason for it.

I hope you get some relief soon! I know what it feels like to have it be "just too hard". Just keep trudging along, you can do this!

I can relate to your feelings. For years what I "knew" and what I was "able to do" were worlds apart. I read mountains of self-help books and spiritual books and carried a lot of good ideas and principles around in my head and was all too eager to share what I had learned.

In some arenas I "acted as if" I was doing it all when I wasn't, just to look good in the eyes of others. Also because I truly felt I was a terrible person and helping others made me feel a wee bit better about myself. And I did have a heart for other hurting people.

None of that proved I was a bad person, just a wounded one. Just emotionally lost.

I'm glad you shared honestly with us right here, right now. Being honest in a safe place is freeing. And so many of us understand, really we do. And we accept you right where you are today. Being confused, wounded and lost does NOT make you a bad person.

My hope is that you continue to share the "real you" with us. Many of us fellow wounded accept others like no one else can.

sending a hug if you want one,
Judy

i am having neck spsammmms now and its horid. I am bad. i wna the spasms to go awyaaa i dont want to be sick anyn more.... this is all so stupid and weird and mjor yuccky crppppp. i ammmmmm so tired of trudging alonggg......

Poossum

dear possum,

i forgive you for not being completely honest, you made a choice you feel bad about. i have many of those. we all hurt so much inside that any good experience where we feel healthy and able to help is so important to us.

so, let me get honest. i went to the dentist and got a root canal in an abscessed tooth. i cried and went home and took tylenol with codein and it did not work at all and the pain was so bad. i ended up over a 5 hour period using 7 vicodin and total 5 aspirin, an icebag and i still do hurt. i feel guilty for exceeding dosages, but i did not seek to get high, i just got so scared by the intensity of pain. i still hurt but the edge of pain has dulled a bit. i do not feel even a bit "altered" by the medicine. one of the miserys of being did/mpd is that i do not respond easily to medicine. i want to cry but i hurt too much to let myself cry and hurt more.

so maybe you will forgive me for being less than i wish i was on this forum and in my life.

i do not believe you "needed" my forgiveness, i just offered it to let you know i understand where you are and i care about you and hope things will resolve some and give you release of the pain and any guilt.

we all are more frail than we wish to admit. hugs to you, possum!!!

leslie and kiki

Thankyou Leslie and Kiki,

I'm sorry you had such a bad time at the dentist. I'm sorry you were in so much pain. Pain magnifies everything.

At least i can start to be real here. My arm is a mess and I wonder what my doc will say when he sees it. I have to front him tomorrow.

Its always easier to helps others than help ourselves. I feel like I have to be perfect. or use the 11th commandment - "thou shalt be nice".......... and sometimes I don't want to be nice.

But will the real me please stand up? Who ever they are. AAArrrrrrrggggggghh

Possum........

Hello Possum.

I don't think you are a hypocrite. I think you are at a certain stage of your learning. I am 'guilty' of exactly what you do.

I am a teacher of children. When children learn a new concept or 'rule' or 'guideline', they are not at first able to apply it to themselves. Teachers, parents and other children will first see a child apply that rule to others, even while 'breaking' the same rule themselves. For example... if two children are given a treat, one may drop the rubbish on the ground even at the same moment as observing the other child do the same and exclaiming "You have to put that in the trash can!"

They are not being hypocritical, even though it appears that way. They are learning to assimiate new information (trash goes in the can) and can not yet consistently apply it. Applying a new concept, especially when it involves changing behviours, often takes the longest to consistently apply to the self.

I think we adults may be the same in this regard. We are learning new knowledge, new concepts, and part of that learning process is being able to see how they might apply in real life situations, such as with others. Learning to apply those new skills to ourselves will come, with time.

Personally I think it's completely okay to 'balls up' from time to time, even at the same time as being able to offer and remind others of exactly the same skills we are trying to learn ourselves.

From my pov it's all part of the learning / growing / healing process.

(and the challenge I now give to myself is to be able to apply THIS post to myself when I next 'slip up'!)

Dear Luce

This is really hard to do. Consistency isn't one of my strong points, but I am trying sometimes, and sometimes I don't.

Thanks for being kinder to me than I am to myself.

Possum

Hi Possum and All:

Me too, me too. Arrrgh!

Why did I have to go to this length? Well, here is the explanation, above! I hope that next time 'it' will be a little less extreme. Am I learning? I am learning.

Where a calm, reasonable assertive voice should have, perhaps even could have worked, there was another voice that sneeringly proclaims:
"Why hide me? You needed me!" It's true this time I did.

And if that is not enough, now, shame arrives.

Trying to get back to the calm, relaxed, safe place, where Ice can melt and statues no longer need to keep vigil.

After a recent test I took, I am hoping a new device to change an aspect of alpha brainwaves will help to address some of the ptsd issues.

Thanks for being courageous for yourself. Somehow when someone else is courageous, I am too.

All the best tomorrow (or is it already tomorrow there?) Possum

de-Iced

Hiya IceStatue thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in my struggle too.

Only 16 hours to go until I see my shrink..... I wish he had magic wand to make me and everybody else here better so that the horrors and nightmares of our lives would just go away forever.

Unfortunately it with be another "normal" visit no miracles no earth shattering revelations, just more rehashing and pot stirring.
I find it hard dealing with the fall out every week.

Sorry for whingeing

Possum

speaking of whingeing, my mouth hurts badly even though i took a larger than prescribed dose of pain pill. it triggers my issues to be left in pain when the doctor could have given me a very small amount of good pain killer. ok fussing over.... i think

what luce said does make sense to me. learning is a process and so is healing and most important events of life. things travel through my brain before they get to the place where i understand them correctly and can begin to attempt to apply them. failure is just part of the process and each attempt brings me closer to the place where i can do what i know.

i will be so glad to arrive at a place where i can be genuinely kind to myself the way i most often treat others - (online it is easier than in real life). scolding, shaming, denigrating, deprecating, blah, blah all those negative ways i try to force myself into higher patterns of behavior do not work well and produce success. the Bible talks about "speaking the truth in love". genuine growth of a healthy sort is achieved by teaching in positive ways. those who abused me taught me and i performed like pavlov's dog - but their lessons tore me down and pushed me farther from the light. guess i'm running on too long here.

they used to say, "you get more flies with honey than vinegar" (they never said why you might want the flies =) the truth is that we learn best in kind teaching. i hope you have a good day.

leslie and her pixies

Dear Leslie and Pixies,

I like your new cat avatar. Maybe you could contact the dentist and ask for a script of antibiotics to help settle any of the junk that still might be in there? I hope the pain settles quickly for you.

Yeah the voices in my head are pretty negative too and so damn constant. It's a battle to continually bat them away. The task seems so enormous.

Possum

Hey Possum,

Don't be so hard on yourself. I too can give advice but when it comes to my stuff I'm totally self destructive.