[mandala]

Hi, all,

My therapist called yesterday and said the AC in her office is broken, so she is seeing clients in another office. She told me where to meet her, etc.

I thought about it for about two hrs, and felt increasingly anxious and disoriented. I called her last night and cancelled. She was really nice -- completely "got" that I just couldn't see her in another office.

I was surprised she was so accepting -- she said she had been particularly worried about how I might react to the change. I am so thankful I didn't have to "explain" to her the internal chaos.

So, mostly I feel ok. A little of me feels stupid at not being able to do something so simple as be seen in another office... but the very thought caused major internal chaos. I couldn't imagine introduing everyone to a new office... it would take up hrs to prepare myself, and the whole session would be about the change... and I wouldn't get to talk about other, ongoing issues. So it is easier to cancel.

But sometimes I do feel "ill" -- when something like this arises and I "know" I should be able to deal with it. I have to keep telling myself the best thing to do is recognize and honor my own limitations... I am sooo glad my therapist believes that, too. My old therapist would have said I was irrational and the t before that would have been very sweet but been completely confused by my canceling.

Well, I am just babbling... t rescheduled me for Monday, which is sort of inconveinent... my d's first day of Kindergarden but I can do it. I am glad I am being seen fairly soon... lots going on.

M

[SweetCrusader]

I can see how that might've been hard for you. My T just changed offices, and I was nervous. I ended up liking the new office better, which was a pleasant surprise! But I really was nervous. Especially when she told me it had brown-panelled walls. Those bring back unpleasant memories for me sometimes. Anyway, I'm rambling. Just wanted to let you know, I know what you mean!!!

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[swimmer]

Hi Mandala,

Your post really resonated with me.

I can definitely understand the immense difficulty along with the enormous energy expenditure it would take to orient all parts to a temporary office change by your therapist.

Perhaps I am projecting (and please forgive me if I have this all wrong)...but I would think that the energy required to communicate this temporary change to all parts would be enormous, along with the fact that nothing in the temporary office would be part of the "grounding (and hopefully very safe feeling) landscape" that I bet you've probably worked extremely hard to aquire over your course of therapy with this individual.

I could see 'just' the process of communicating information about an office change taking weeks, if not longer, dependent on the level of internal communication you have with parts/timing of the presence of different parts ect. And this is without even trying to address (to all parts) questions or concerns such as where did all the "normal/regular" possessions of your therapist go, or does this change signify the potential for other bad changes??? Geesh, you could potentially be back in her original office for weeks before the internal communication "caught up" with the fact that there had been a "move" and all of the questions answered.

I don't know about you but, each week when I go in to see my therapist, I (and probably a few parts ) look for any changes that may have occurred both with my therapist specifically and with her office. One of the things that I specifically look for is a crystal dolphin that I gave her. This dolphin is part of my "grounding landscape" and has significance in many different ways. I know that if I met with her and it wasn't there, (even if it's absence was due to a temp change in office space) I would have to take the time and the energy to explain to certain parts why that the dolphin was missing. And I'd probably have to spend some time reassuring parts that it's absence didn't indicate other potential ("bad") changes to come.

Also, dependent on how chaotic your childhood was, I can readily see the need for every aspect of stability possible in a therapist's surroundings. I moved quite frequently as a child and even the hint of "moving" would bring up quite a number of issues for me. I can't even imagine the amount of internal dialoging I would have to do (and the time it would take) to deal with this.

I'm sorry that you had to postpone seeing her when you have lots of stuff going on....I do think that potentially the good news is that you probably "scored some points" internally with parts for taking gentle care of them. I hope that instead of feeling bad about "not being able to do something such as be seen in a different office" there is the realization that this was a very positive step and showed care and understanding to parts who were feeling distress. I think there is a lot to be said for a person chosing their battles....recovery takes so much energy...and I think it was pretty wise to postpone seeing your therapist for a few days (hopefully the a/c issue will be quickly resolved) by which time she be re-established in her own office, without subjecting yourself to the battle that this temp move would potentially elicit.

Hmm....can you tell that right now, one of the major things I am working on in therapy is feeling/showing some compassion to parts that were hurt and have had to carry the "burden" of the abuse so that I could function...this can prove quite difficult at times due to the presence of some less than compassionate introjects... but I'm honoring those too

I hope your next session goes welll !

Your name is really neat btw

S

[mandala]

Hi, Swimmer (cool name!),

Thanks for your post and understanding. You sound like the internal riot stuff is pretty familiar to you. Nice to have company, although it stinks to know other people go through this.

Grounding IS a big issue. I am used to t's toys and books/bookcase, where she sits and where I sit. And especially this blanket I gave her last Xmas "because every therapist should have a blanket in their office". T has told me that that blanket has special meaning for a lot of her clients... clients have told her they will anticipate snuggling under it for the whole day of their appts. That always gives me warm fuzzies to think about.

I also did A LOT (for me) of switching during my last session. I spent about a third of the session UNDER the blanket. I just couldn't bear to go to a different office, after such a difficult session last time.

It was hard to press "stop" on those old internal tapes about how I "should" be able to do this or that. I think it's rooted in all the abuse I was "supposed" to handle growing up... I have really high expectations for what I "should" be able to handle and I tend to not honor it when I am feeling unstable and overwhelmed. Cancelling was a huge step for me. The fact that my t was SOO understanding was an incredible bonus -- one I didn't expect -- like extra whipped cream and cherries on top (and cookie crumbles and sprinkles and and and...)

It's nice to see a new "face" here. Thanks again for your post. M

[swimmer]

Thank you for the welcome Mandala

Lol, Yes the internal riot stuff is very familiar to me. I (at times) even categorize it as an out and out civil war. Learning to balance the needs of a part that believes it's 4 versus a part that thinks it's teen versus a very angry adult introject that thinks that punishment is needed for an infraction (not being strong enough or responsible enough or....whatever) versus a "work" part....especially when all are screaming in your head at the same time can be quite challenging. It would be so much easier if it was as simple as a child part and an adult part. But that's not the way it works...at least for me.

I'm glad that your therapist was so understanding. One of the things that I have found extremely helpful with my therapist is her understanding of all of the different parts and her ability to model negotiation btwn the parts. I think it's really raised the level of co-consciousness that I have and hopefully a skill that I'll get better at with practice.

s

[mandala]

Hmm, I think "civil" war may be a bit of a misnomer, lol.

My old t helped me to develop skills around talking to parts and beginning to see "bad" parts as having their own needs and motivations... that while I might now understand them, developed in an effort to protect "me". Otoh, being subjected to nasty criticism from an introject just stinks, period, just like it would if it was a f2f person being mean. It can be very wearying.

I think part of what was so amazing with canceling my last session if that all parts were able to pretty speedily reach a consensus on how to deal with the situation and there have been no complaints or recriminations since. Usually there will be a lot of internal second quessing, no matter what I decide. But for some reason, everyone seems content with the decision that was made... I think a lot of it is that I am finally where I trust my therapist to "be there" for me... an object constancy thing. So parts of me were able to say to other parts "Hey, she'll be there next week, there's no reason to stress yourself by forcing yourself to go in NOW -- she'll still be there. That's such a new thought/ feeling it seems a trifle miraculous!

Wow, I'm 32 and finally have reached the developmental maturity of, say, a 4 y o?!?!? :-)

Hope you are having a good day! M

[swimmer]

Oh Mandala rofl re: "civil" war !!!!!

Wow It does sound miraculous and really good to hear that the "object constancy" phase can be reached

Congratulations !!!!!!!!

<Blush> I'm working on the same thing but guesstamate my age to be about 3 1/2 in that particular area right now

I'm also lagging a bit behind but really think I'm begining to appreciate the "beauty" of the protector parts. I think I had some kind of major breakthrough in therapy about this last week. Ummmm ...I'm kind of hoping that my therapist doesn't see this I hate to let her know exactly how helpful she is some times I might have to pay her more or something.

I hope your day is going well too !!!!

S

[mandala]

I have a 3 1/2 y o... maybe you'd get along? He's really very cute.

Seriously, it seems like every time there is some progress... esp around trust or connection, it just brings MORE issues. It's not so simple as learning to trust but also redefining what trust is... not gullibility, not unsafe, etc.

I sometimes feel really pathetic... I'll say to my therapist "Well, I know this is progress but it feels AWFUL'. :-\

M

[swimmer]

Hi Mandala

Yes !!!!! ....LOL

Trust and oh ick did you really say connection !? .... Isn't there some rule in these forums against the use of profanity !?

Ok..more seriously (Swimmer puts on her very contemplative face) I completely agree...what I initially labeled as trust with my therapist...after quite a number of years....was the fact that I trusted her not to, at any given point, jump out of her chair at something/!?anything that I said and hit me. Now at the time, I thought that this was a huge amount of trust to "bestow" to her. But it seems (as in a lot of issues surrounding recovery) you peel off one layer and instead of the work being done you find another whole layer underneath. And even at that...dependent on other part's frequency of "presence", communication and reassurance to less trusting parts can take a significant time period.

And then there's one of the many Catch 22's with the therapy setting...learning to trust yourself and your own judgement. It is an amazingly difficult balance to stay with a therapist (especially if any "issues" arise within the therapeutic setting) when every instinct in your body may be telling you that this is a very dangerous undertaking and to RUN !!!!! The msg seems to be trust your instincts and judgement...but opps not in this particular area .

Actually, I think one of the most helpful things my therapist constantly re-inforces with my is the fact that she doesn't want "blind" trust from me. She tells all parts to watch her and let her know if there is anything that seems dangerous or changes in her that might indicate something less than trustworthy. And she actually praises protective parts for keeping me safe.

Ok contemplative face off ....lol yes I think I'd get along real well with a 3 1/2 y.o. I bet he's very cute

S

[SweetCrusader]

Achieving object constancy!?! How would that be?

I can't even remember my T's face except very vaguely, even as soon as one day after therapy! I've thought about asking her for a pic. It seems pretty ridiculous. I've known her for four years! lol

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[prism]

l know this is dregding up old mail, but I was impressed and encouraged by your ability to make a decision that was nuturing to yourselves and to not recriminate yourselves for it. good job! prism