Giving up/in

For some time I have struggled with my DID, not wanting to believe it was so, not wanting to think that things happened to me...but they did...and for some reason, things have all gone to hell in a handbasket, and are getting worse. I can no longer take the pain, the injustice, the fear, the absolute dread every time something else comes up. I don't know what else to do that hasn't already been done. I guess giving up, or giving in, is inevitable. Today I had the distinct impression that one day I will end up in the end of a psycho ward, uncared for, unloved, unable to ever see the light of day again. I don't know how to combat that fear at all. I don't ever want to be alone again. It will kill me, if I let it. But I don't know how to ask for, or even allow, help to come. I have such a tight hold on reality right now that I am afraid if I let go for one second, I will slide that slippery slope and descend into the abyss that seems to get closer and closer every minute. What do I do? Where do I go? HELP me PLEASE. I don't know what else I can do.

Yahna, the main Jewel

Hang on really tight!!!
Nothing more to offer cause that is what I'm trying to do tonight, acually,I've been on this ride for days.
So maybe do what I did a couple of days ago, go up to the pych ward andjust have a peek,ask yourselves If this is really what you want?
I have a part that seem to want to be abused and the pych floor seems cool to her butshe calmed down the fight after seeing the floor. Shes been their before and really didn't get what she wanted anyways. Just had to bring back the time I guess.
BUtmind you I might have to do it again, ARG
I hope you see how special you are very soon

((((((((((((Jewels))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. It's very hard for me to ask for help and support too, due to past programming. On top of that, trust is hard for me as well.

There is healing to be had though. It takes time to trust and time to ask for help. I am finding that while change and healing is coming very slowly, it's still coming.

I went to my T for several years before I did much more than sit quietly and hand her writings. I wrote about the weather and my children, always testing t with small things to see if she pasted the tests I didn't even realize I was giving her. She read those things and talked to me and with time, I learned that I could trust her with some things. In the meantime, she got to know other parts of me without my knowledge and was able to get an overall picture of what went on for me every day. This gave her insight to help better.

I think that's how healing begins, or at least began for me. The first step is the hardest. I'm not sure how I ended up going to t in the first place as I don't have a lot of memory of the beginning of therapy, but I know it's hard and it's scary.

Maybe you can just call a few places or see if any offices nearby have a website that you can check out? Or maybe you can call the county mental health department and ask them for referrals?

Hang in there.

Jewels I know how you feel. I feel that way at times too. The only thing I can do is to hang on tight and ride it out. My mind is to spacey right now to give any good advice but just know that there are people here who know how you feel. You are not alone.

(((((((((((((Jewels)))))))))))))

Diana

Jewels, you've managed to put into words my own thoughts of the past 4 months. somehow we gotta hold on. it has to get better. i dunno how or when... but it has to

jewels, i am sorry it is so bad right now. i recognize what you are saying and i have felt that way. it has taken me a long time to get to the place where i can accept help and trust my T and trust me. i've had so much betrayal and abuse. i have had some trips to the hospital and they were scary but they taught me some things also.

it is not going to be all doom and gloom, it is hard i know, but it will get better - sometimes it is about time. i had little support from my spouse and in trying to "perform" for his dubious approval i slowed my healing down badly. i've been trying to deal with this for 14 years and it would not have taken so long but for his opposition, my fear and reluctance to deal and my T learned how to help DID's starting with me (lucky her =).

i know you all have a lot of fear. i am sorry. i wish i had something more to give you, but you have made it to now, you made it through a hellish childhood and you are still here. give yourself some credit and kindness. please. hugs if you want them!

leslie and all

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Jewels}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

we to have too often experienced the thoughts and feelings that you are describing so so well...........sometimes the horrors of what is brought back to us is just too much to bear

we dont want to remember............we want to just continue to forget but all it does it make inside go into even deeper turmoil.............sometimes the sadness is so so overwhelming that l dont know how we dont give up

trust is sos so hard and asking for help is even harder but with the right help from someone who understands some of the pain and hurt that you carry deep inside of you it IS possible to take very very tiny steps away from it all...... the problem is that sometimes the steps are so small we cant see them and then sometimes we go running backwards at great pace.................these are the days when we just think............where can l get the strength to move forward or even just to stand still for yet another day

hunny you are not alone.............. we are all here with you
walking each painful, lonely step with you........hang onto us.............we wont never let you go hunny......so the fear of being so so alone will be lessened

we all love you here and you matter so so much although l truely understand how hard it can to see and certainly to believe the words that we are saying to you

come talk to us.............you know where we are hunny... reach out and let us hold you while you walk this painful, lonely road

Mandyxxhugs for you all

we are helping you hang on. there is a safety net under you so if you fall you will be caught. the abyss is really not as deep and dark and as it looks. there are many many to catch you should you miss the safety net. if you shine a flash light down you will see them.

when i was in the place you are now, some dear dear friends here said similar to me. i was so sure i would fall into never ending darkness. be curled up in a corner rocking for the rest of my life.

The GREAT NEWS is you have COME THRU SO MUCH MORE---You ARE a survivor--even if you feel you are not. Even tho you are feeling how you are feeling right now.

Breathe. One breath at a time. In---out----in----out. then climb up the rope.......

wi