I get it that there is something I am to learn from this

My daughter took me away for the weekend of Mother's Day. I returned home and my husband of six years had moved out. He picked me up from the train station, brought my bag inside. He was standing in the door way of our apartment, holding the door key out to me. I knew what was happening. He said, with the compassion of a man telling his wife that he was making a quick run to the gas station,"I will call you. I'm out of here"

Do I miss him? Yes. Have I lived my life with him with an uneasy dread in my gut that it would never work? Yes. Did I hold on to the love and the hope? Yes. Did I know that he was a selfish and self serving person but hoped that I could help him change? Yes.

On May 10, 2009 when he walked out of the door, I wept for a long time. I stumbled through the apartment on auto pilot. I could not feel my feet. Then I got up and cleanned the house of every shread of him which he had left behind. It went out on May 11 th in a big garbage bag.

The second day, I cried less. I sat with myself and extended my hands to the universe and asked it to show me what I am supposed to learn from this. Please, I begged, let me grow through this and not just go through this.

I heard my inner voice speaking to me soft and low. It whispered that I should get up. It urged me to find meaning in my own life and new definitions for my own happiness. It reminded me that I was no longer the 5 year old child who stood at my fathers feet as he packed his clothes into a box on Christmas morning to leave us in 1963. I came face to face with the same moment of pain and terror of so many years ago when I begged my daddy not to leave me. I know the exact moment when I began to hate myself, give too much and love so unrealistically. On Monday, May 11, 2009, I relived ,with perfect clarity,the moment when being alone and abandoned became the defining force of of the past 45 years of my life.

Where do I go from here? I don't know know yet. I only know that this place is a start. I know that I am talented, smart, kind, giving and loving. I know that I love all people and flowers.

Do I miss my husband? Yes. Do I close my eyes and wish that he would just hold me for a moment? Yes. I know that I am a woman and not the little girl in the closet tugging at my father's pant leg. I dont know how but I must survive and I must make peace.

obiswife, hello and welcome...

you will survive and you will have peace
but first you have so much to work through...please be kind to yourself
it hasn't been that long of a time for you to begin to sort through everything

may I suggest you read through the different forums, perhaps one or more will help you take the steps necessary to make a new life for yourself.
if you have any problems, you can PM any of the moderators or ask in the forum.

PC is a very good place to find support and caring.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
We Care

Catherine

Welcome to PC, obiswife. It sounds like you have a lot of strength and resources. And a daughter who loves you. Take care.

My 6th anniversery passed on May 23. I had a single drink alone and sat in the amber glow of my living room listening to old Vandross music. I realized that I had stopped listening to music because it made me feel. Somehow I expected that the day would come crashing in on me like a train but it did'nt. It was like a quiet breeze which sometimes took my breath as it coursed thru me. I sat with my feelings and released them in tears without running away to hide. I just had to let the moments pass in order to appreciate the realness and truth of the pain.

I looked around my apartment at the order of the pretty colors in my life which which I have created . I felt proud of myself. I decided that at 50, I still wanted to pick flowers, take cruises, be loved and touched in a way that I have never been before. I want to laugh and dance and be stupid if I want. I dont want to apologize for having big round hips and thighs anymore. It occured to me that this experience had more to do with me than with my husband. It is my pain and my journey and it is my future. I need to be free of all of my ******** before I leave this earth--once and for all!

I have learned-eventhough I thought I knew- that what a man says and what he does must be the same if it is true. I will probably never marry a man 10 years my jr. again. I know that I can never give myself away again in the hope that a man loves me. I have learned that I am more angry with myself for allowing him to take advantage of me.I have learned that I must have the courage and enought self love to stand up for myself in every moment that I breathe because I AM WORTH IT. I MATTER. I will be seeing a therapist next week. I need to let all these feelings out and allow someone else to help me explore the possibilities for my life. I have learned that dispite that fact that my daughter was born just after my 12th birthdayand that I have had to stuggle like hell on my own to live---I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN.

I have learned that I am still a soft, loving and generous soul, even if sometimes too giving. I am still the girl who once rescued every , dirty puppy and stole food from our house to sneak it to the shed to keep it alive. I am still the girl who wept at the sight of refugee children. I am still the little girl who didnt have a daddy. I still believe in the sweetness of humanity and nothing moves me more than when I am needed and when I am giving others the very best of myself. As I have told my close friends about how my husband walked out, I have learned what they really think of me. They have called me the best, best friend anyone could have. They have told me that I am strong and smart ,creative ,stylish and beautiful. They have told me that my husband was just not good enough for me. I have learned that even an independent, hard-headed gal like me must be open to the love of others without mistaking it for pity...its just love and that is what I need.

I am angry. I am jealous because I suspect that my husband left me for another woman. I am angry because he was the kind of man who would not own up to or admit anything. I need closure and I need to know the truth. I need to know where that SOB was all the nights I went to bed alone and longed for him. I need to make it ok with myself that he ran off in his own direction after the wedding and never lokked back to see that I was still standing.I need the lies to be uncovered so that I can see him clearly, and, in the process, myself as well. I need to know why this is even important to
me. I will just have to trust that answers will come and that I will heal.

Thank you for sharing this...
It helped me in so many ways, obiswife.
I hope you found a release in writing it out.

Peace,
Catherine

obiswife, a lot of what you have written reminds me a lot of myself and my experience. But you have a lot more self knowledge. I think you will be able to figure out some of your questions and what path to take with the help of your therapist.

I am going to share with you that it was very very helpful to me in my healing from the marriage that my therapist be male. I would not have predicted this and in fact, the first therapist I saw briefly was female. But the one who really helped me was male and that was an important component of my healing. I'm just sharing that with you because some things you wrote reminded me of my own experience and so I thought maybe a male therapist would be helpful to you too.

Good luck.

Hi Obiswife,
I just wanted to say thank you for these beautifully written posts - they're articulate an so revealing of true emotions past and present. I think you're a very wise person and you've come so far already. It's seems that you're well on the road to healing. I'm very sorry your husband left you and to do it on Mother's Day weekend - that's brutal. I really think you're too good for him and make sure you get a good lawyer and don't give him a penny.
I know very well that feeling you describe where you opened your palms and asked the heavens what you should do. You describe a pivotal moment where you reach inward for your own strength. You seem like a strong woman and I bet you're going to be just fine soon and perhaps better than before. You're well on the road to healing and self discovery. You GO GIRL !

I am amazed by your strength. I am 22 years old, and been divorced for the past 2 months after a 2 1/2 year marriage. My parents were against the idea form the beginning, but I thought this was the man for me. I too know there's something to learn from this but I don't know what? My ex mil was divorced 15 years before my marriage and my husband had made it his responsibility to look after his mother and sister. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't.

If we argued, she knew what it was about, and would remark me about it. Her bathroom window opened up into my bedroom, where she could hear everything that went on. Our arguments and intimate moments were public knowledge, and I was as a dutiful Indian woman is expected to do take over everything. From the cooking, to even the washing in th house.

At first I thought this was what everybody went through, and then they threw me out of the house. I waited for 5 months, calling him, smsing him, begging him to let us resolve our issues, go for counselling, and nothing. After 5 months he came to fetch me, promising things would change, we'd go for counselling, everything.

2months into that his sister came back from her marriage, pregnant, wanting the same things and arguning for everything I did. Nobody told me. I was expected to see to all of them, and then with everything that was going on, my husband started becoming emotionally abusive towards me.

I booked appointments for counselling, and he kept making me cancel. the last appointment I had made, I told him that I wasn't going to cancel, so he threw me out again infront of all his family-grandparents, uncles, everyone.

Mine happened on the 9 May 2009, 2months later he sent the divorce. He blamed me for everything and refused to let me take my things. All the gifts that they had given me they asked for it back, and when I refused to give it back, his mother went around telling everybody I had stolen the stuff.

Yes, I do miss him, and I wish that this had never happened to me. But I also realise how lucky I am to be out. I'm afraid that this will happen again, and I don't know what to do to avoid that, which is why obiswife, I think you have enourmous strength and I have to say I think you've grown already....

Dear obiswife,

I have been on PC only a couple months but have lived many years with mental illnesses and the effects of alcoholism. Most know me because I always seem to have something to say about everything. But the truth is, I am in awe of you, obiswife. The reason is because of your ability to express your feelings and experiences so eloquently and sensitively. Your words paint a beautiful picture of the deepest part of your soul and being. You obviously know yourself very well yet also know that you are a growing and changing being who will learn immensely from this trauma and benefit from the lessons it will teach you. You are a wise woman. You know that pain and struggle and sacrifice are teachers. They are inevitable pieces of life at some time or another.

Thank you for sharing your pain on our forum and I look forward to reading and sharing with you on your journey through this chapter of your life.

Dear Obiswife,

Thank you for your posts. There is so much to be learned from this. I'm separated too and only recently learned that my husband has started another relationship. The finality of this has just hit me, and keeps hitting me, and even still I have to keep reminding myself of the finality. I understand very well about loving unrealistically with far too much hope and wilful blindness.

Accepting less and less, until that seems normal and waiting, always waiting, for something to happen, for things to go back to the way they were. The hard part is keeping a reality in mind when there seem to be so many different realities and truths. I suppose the only thing is to keep bringing oneself back to NOW, this moment, and live that as strongly and purely as possible.

For me, I don't know how to break the connection. We write to each other, or rather, he writes to me. Of his sadness, his loss, he tries to explain how heartbroken he was, how alone. I think he wants me to know he cares still, that he loves me, as he sais, always for everything, that he didn't do anything easily or without feeling. I know he wants to see me, to be friends, somehow.

For now I can't see him, I avoid situations where I might. Mainly because I still love him, or some distant memory of him anyway. Because some part of just can't believe he could be with someone else.

I know this is me. I don't have an exact moment in my childhood that explains why I am as I am. Why do I seemingly value myself so little that I would read his missives, cry over them, fight with myself about answering, weave between anger and sadness, between answering honestly from the depths of my soul and deciding this is not his business any more. Because whatever I was not able to acess in myself and share with him before, now is not the time to be sharing it. I guess.

I have learned so much about grief and suffering. I do value this, strange as it may sound. Some days I feel good about this, other days I just feel lost and empty and wonder how I could possibly ever love anyone else again?

I only have to tell him to stop writing to me, and he will. But I can't bring myself to do it. I am like a hungry cat waiting for scraps from his table. Sometimes.

My friends tell me to stop, to cut off contact, to concentrate and focus my energy on myself. It seems false to me, to cut him out.

I am not always this confused!

Just wanted to say that your post touched me.

Be well.