[Leviathan]

My (soon to be ex) wife and I have been together five yrs and married the last two. We have a 19 mo old child. This has been my first real relationship other than a few random 2-3 day occasions. Last year we were having problems with our relationship. I had lost my job and was "in a funk" about not being able to be the provider and supporter for the family. Her personality also seem to change to where she did not seem to show me or tell me that she loved me. I shutdown and did not speak of what I was feeling to her. And she got tired of trying to talk to me.
At this same time we had a mutual friend who was hanging out a lot at the house, which I did not mind, but it was a hinderence to my wife and I working towards anything with the relationship. Tension built and built between my wife and I until we decided to separated for a while. I did not want to, but I told her if that is what she wanted I was willing to respect her wants, but she was going to have to ask me to leave. I was not going to walk away from her and my family unless she thought it was what was best to fix the problem and unless she asked me to. She asked, and said she thought it would be best so she could clear her head.
In passing, I had asked our mutual friend to "help out" one day while he was at the house before I left. I was vaguely referring to our relationship, but also meant around the house with things and the kids.
I found out a few days later he was sleeping over on the couch. I spoke with both of the, letting them know I had put a lot of trust into the situation, but with how things already were to not make it "look like that". Over this period of time I had been writing letters and trying to communicate with my wife how I did really feel and she shut herself off from me. A week or two later we had a talk at the house (first her and I and later all three of us) where they expressed to me that they had discovered feelings for each other. I was dumbfounded. Here I was going crazy being alone...without my wife....without my daughter.....trusting everything to work towards "doing the right" thing.....
So I soon filed for divorce. I couldn't stand being married to a woman who didn't love me. I was full of wrath because of how I had been treated (yes, I know that also sounds selfish) , so I went both guns blazing. I began to gather evidence, record our phone calls, and take pics of our texts. Neither one of us was willing to work with the other. Not to nit pick and get into the details of it...yadda yadda as they say. Things got ugly.
We had both been marijuana smokers. I quit for a number of reasons. Perhaps my main reason at the time was because I wanted custody, so I cleaned up. Doing so while seeing my wife continue on with the same habit, but with another man, while the kids where in the same house - it let me see things from an outside perspective. I saw just how wrong I had been. At the time she wasn't willing to quit what she was doing, so I made a report to DFCS (child protection services). Shortly after making the report, I told her what I did. Of course she flipped, because that did not involve just our child, but put her other 3 kids at risk of being taken away also.
To wrap up a story which is too long to begin with...we went to court, I used what evidence I had (against her and her "boyfriend") and the judge issued a temp order which granted her primary physical custody with joint legal custody, ordered both of us to take self paid monthly drug tests, and ordered me to pay child support.

I think I will halt the story here to see what comments and advice come from this. The attempt of reconcilliation will be the next chapter...

To be cont.

[Tatyana2009]

I normally do not write this on here, but - on this occasion I am stepping out and saying to you that I think you need to take a good look at yourself.

I think your behaviour throughout is awful. The only thing, funnily enough, which I think is understandable and quite 'normal' is your anger and wanting a divorce. Strangely, this is the only thing in your post that you label as 'selfish'.

So I soon filed for divorce. I couldn't stand being married to a woman who didn't love me. I was full of wrath because of how I had been treated (yes, I know that also sounds selfish)

If you said that you wanted to stay with her while she has feelings to this friend - I would question your self esteem and your true motives.

As for the rest - the other positive thing I can see - is the fact that you gave up on the drugs. Very good.

I also think that the judge decision is wonderful.

As for my criticism (I know you may not want it) - I think you abused your wife. First by pushing her away and not communicating (I sense there was more passive aggressive behaviour than that and more aggressive behaviour - maybe I am wrong?) and then by performing this parade of taking evidence and being obsessive and then with taking her to court asking the court to take her kids a way from her.

Let me tell you - your wife, and any wife for this matter, and any woman - is just as equal to men. Women deserve to be respected, cared for and treated equally. I think your thinking may need to change a little... but I could be wrong as this is only an online text. Nonetheless, I have good insticts and if you want things to get better - the best thing you can do is read about abuse, take responsibility for your actions, apologise to her and build a good relationship with your kids and never come between them and their mom. She is valubale. And so are you.

Good luck!

[jenkins09]

I get it, your pissed because your mutual "friend" and I use that term loosely, shacked up with your wife while you were out of the house. It has probably been going on long before you moved out.

The rest of what you did is pretty jacked up, but Ive seen plenty of women do it too..get down and dirty when it comes to divorce and "winning" custody of the kids.

My question would be what do you want to reconcile? do you love her? she cheated on you with another man, how are you going to resolve that?

I dont necessarily think you were being abusive, I think the first poster is a woman, although I could be wrong. Most men do have pride when it comes to being the provider for the family so I can understand your "funk." If you were abusive to your wife, apologize.

It takes two people to make a marriage. I hope you are able to do right by your kids and not argue or do something foolish to their mom in front of them. I wish you well with your situation.

[Tatyana2009]

I dont necessarily think you were being abusive, I think the first poster is a woman

Yes. I am a woman. And I know a lot about abuse and abusive men. If I was a man I would have written excatly the same thing and as you can see, I am supporting both of you but not Levi's abuse. I really object you minimising my reply in that I am 'a woman'. We should be well past those sterotypes.

Most men do have pride when it comes to being the provider for the family

Its the 21 century guys! Women are bread winners too. I earn 3 times more than my ex bf and that was fine. I am proud to be the bread winner. This has nothing to do with a cheating wife.
I think its time people stop hiding behind these cliches and start looking at themselves honestly. When you see yourself as equal you start seeing things you have not done before. I highly recommend it. Whether you are a man or a woman.

Best wishes!

[jenkins09]

Tatyana,

This being the internet and all, things can be misinterpreted. I wasnt minimizing you being a woman, I was simply pointing out to the OP your perception or opinion being a woman. I meant no disrespect.

As far as this being the 21 century, this is true, but the fact remains that a lot of men still feel and get a great sense of pride in being the provider for their family. I am coming from a male perspective. I dont expect you to understand because your a woman, we (men, women) see, feel, experience things differently. I personally could care less if a woman I was in a relationship made more than me, but a lot of men would.

I dont condone abuse in any manner and if the OP was abusive to his wife he needs to make it right.

[Champagne]

Whoa. You are angry and that is ok. A lot of words typed on the internet. Your poor key board must be suffering the jittering and clattering shakes. Ok sic humour.

Trust has been broken.

I believe you were an incredibly BRAVE man to make a commitment: Marriage to a woman who had come from an old relationship/s with emotional baggage and unresolved past issues. She had three children from the past relationship/s and despite all of that, you made a COMMITMENT to marry her and her children. (Don't know if you and she had counselling prior the marriage to deal with the hurt of her past relationship/s).

You believe in FAITH AND TRUST in a relationship. When men make a commitment it usually is permanent. Look at the love to a football team.

Marriage is a very big investment for a man. You must have truly BELIEVED that you could be the provider, protector and dad to this woman and her family. She must have believed it too because she said yes.

The lost job is an incredible blow.

Your own image of BEING THE PROVIDER, Hero was thrown in the deep end. Men need the provisions of having a job and money for self and family is a very deep ego thing. (No not sarcasm). How do you measure up to other men, if you can't provide for your own lot. For you especially if former family members and friends, questioned your commitment to a woman who had unresolved baggage. Not real supportive for you now (or then maybe). With the...."I told you it was no good...."

Be wise with your actions.

The war for your one child is not fair to the others who have known you, and seen you, and have been a part of your marriage life for 4years prior the arrival of the new baby. They also have been a part of the [COLOR="Magenta"]TIME INVESTMENT COLOR] that you had placed in them, by building a love and trust relationship with each of them and with their mum.

Be wise. They have seen your actions and commitment to faith, trust, love, provision and promises to include them in your life. Do not teach them to become bitter and hateful towards you or your baby or their mother. They will see the FAVOURITISM, but REMEMBER, the three of them had had a relationship with you, their DADDY HERO first, before the baby came along.

Those young vulnerable eyes are watching you.

You have been the DADDY HERO, that has come into their young lives and their mother's life.... The DADDY HERO who has promised to protect, provide, teach and love them for the rest of their growing up life.

Take time out to THINK, FAIRLY AND WISELY. You have done it before. That time was when you had to make that biggest commitment: Do you marry this beautiful woman, lady, mother of three? Even the priest, pastor, reverend asked you at the altar.

You know HOW TO THINK, FAIRLY AND WISELY.
ALL YOUR 4 vulnerable CHILDREN, will be watching you.

They need you to stand by the commitment you had made to them. Love them and support them in whatever capacity you can... you had married them too.
Hopefully, your children will learn, remember and understand the lesson of FAITH, LOVE, TRUST, COMMITMENT AND COURAGE NEEDED TO FACE MARRIAGE, and that broken relationships need deep healing before that step too.

These children, need you as their friend and someone who will need to be an ANCHOR when they go through their own troubles later. (That could be tomorrow when they ring you and are crying because mummy is upset or the visitors are not nice).

Be remembered as a DADDY HERO who still loves them no matter what: humility, forgiveness and compassion. You know who you are deep below all the HURT. You are ok now and you will be ok. This is just a little HICCUP.

Don't let this little HICCUP destroy your ultimate standards of FAITH, LOVE, COURAGE, TRUST AND COMMITMENT. They are valuable for your children and their children.

I am crying for you. Because I know what it's like. I blow my nose for you.
God Bless.

Read 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.