Spliting up and feeling so awful

I broke up with my fiance after 7 years of being together. The last few months with him were very very difficult. I still love him but he makes it impossible to be with him. He became abusive, hurtful, drinking, not sharing and making me feel worse than I have ever felt, by just being around him. I talked to him a few times to try to change this but he dismisses my attempts. So I had no choice but to leave him in order to maintain my sanity, well being and life long goals (he asked me to marry him but when ever it came to it he was not able to set a date and just kept dragging me on...). So on the 22 March I took a plane and flew away to be with my family. He texted me some more abuse and then told me I will be back with him. I decided I am not going back to him and not to go back to my house, plus not to tell him the date I return to the country. He will just make me feel horrible again and draw me in. So I came back to the country 2 days ago and staying at a friend's place, while she is away. He does not know I am here and as far as he is concerned I am still out of the country. The whole 2 weeks I was away he did not contact me. The thing is - while I was with my family I could cope. Now that I am back here and alone - I feel awful. So sad and empty. I cannot get excited about anything. I think about him all the time and miss him so much. My pain is unbearable. There are moments when I am hoping he will be the man I thought he was and we will have the life I thought we will have, get married and have kids. And then I remind myself how much I gave him and the relationship and have got nothing to show for it. No marriage. No kids. No commitment. No sharing. Only a man whom I love and tells me how horrible I am. I am angry with myself for thinking about being with him. As soon as I remind myself of how he treated me in the last year I just dont want to see him but I miss him so much. All my stuff are still in the house and once I move out I will come and collect it. It feels so weird not be in my own home. I dont know. I am just looking for support I guess as I am feeling really low today and so close to calling him but know I should not. When I think about the fact that its ended I get so so sad and I cannot see any postive. Sort of paralyzed. We have been trying for a baby for 3 years and were supposed to get married. I guess I am trying to let go of it all and just seems not to be able to. Your support and thoughts will be much much appreciated. I feel so awful.

Breaking up after being with someone for years is really, really hard. I've gone through the same thing. Its totally understandable to still think about wanting to be with him, even if you intellectually know you don't need to be with him, or even want to be with him anymore. In my situation, I was the one who initiated the break up (like you), but once I said it, it was like he had just been waiting for me to do it or something! Of course, when I moved away from him (thousand miles or so), I was miserable, I felt alone and empty and all those things you said. For a few days I was a complete mess. Then I got a new job and made new friends and with in about 2 months of leaving, I was soooo much better. You just need to give yourself time. Get your things from the house as soon as you can so that you can disconnect from him fully. I hope things work out well for you. You deserve much better.

Sometimes, for me, it feels like people are addictions. Someone you care for can be dragging you to your grave and you'll still want them; and leaving can take real courage and strength. So good on you!

My first relationship didn't last as long, but I was completely emotionally reliant on her when it ended. Getting over it and moving on was hard, but in the end it was worth it. Years went by without anyone new coming into my life, but at least I wasn't being treated like I was worthless anymore. Then, rather than someone new coming in, someone who had always been there and been good to me let me know how he felt, and we really took off. But it never would have happened if I hadn't been able to let the old, emotionally crippling relationship die.

Also, and I apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds or treading on other issues here, but I sometimes like to think things happen for a reason. Or at least that there's a certain amount of luck involved in life. And I know I would much rather conceive a child with someone who loves and respects me than be stuck tied to an abusive man. Sometimes there are hidden blessings in life, and I do hope you find luck and joy in leaving this mess behind. Try not to worry about the feelings taking time to dissipate. It's normal, and you deserve some time and distance to recuperate from a bad relationship. Good luck and I wish you all the best!

Thank you both. Its been some time since the post... You are both right of course. I wish I could say that I am doing great... Well - I am doing OK. I have not spoken or seen in nearly 2 months. I am staying now with another friend and helping out with the rent, untill I find my own place. I feel like I am starting from square one...

Its true that I am lucky not to have had kids with him. Though its hard too... And as time goes by I am seeig the bigger picture and the details more clearly. So I am happy I am having this space and time away from home. I dont know if I love him anymore. One minute I do... One minute I dont.... I just wish I did not miss him so much....

It is important to take note that there is still life after divorce. You may be sad right now but make sure that you bounce back from this crisis soon and move on with your life.

((((Tatyana))))

I was sad for you as I read your post. But you are one lucky woman! So many women get trapped in the cycle of abuse and have 2 or 3 kids and they feel the kids anchor them to the abuse.

There is another man out there for you, one who is a good hearted man and a good natured man who does not abuse you.

Have you taken your stuff from the house yet? I find it really strange that you have left all of your things there. I think you should contact the police and ask their help removing it. Is the house rented or do you own it? You do need help in that regard...

Please let us know what happens and how you are doing. We are here to support you and to really congratulate you for walking away, so few have the courage to do it and you showed amazing strength to do this,

Rhiannon