[Spirit Wing]

i guess this thread is as good a place to start as any, seeing as my latest trigger was my divorce...

my husband and i have been together for 13 years and we have 3 children. i've been through depressive cycles as far back as i can remember (for a number of reasons) and finally a few years back i attempted suicide by overdose. at the time i was jobless and my third child still very young and i wasn't able to manage the cycle - 'get over it'...

i tried asking for help. my husband believes suicide/depression is just selfish and shows how little i care for him. i still said i needed help to find help. finally i gave up and found help on my own. i refused medication however and it was only after my attempt that i asked for meds. i took them for about 3 months and they seemed to help. i just stopped going to the therapist.

i 'pulled myself together' after that. i grew stronger internally and about a year later found myself a great job. all through this, he was pleasant enough towards me as long as i didn't become emotional or even talk about feelings other than my adoration for him... otherwise i was pretty much ignored.

a few months after re-empowering myself, i found him watching porn while we were away visiting family. instead of spending time in the same room as me and family, he was watching porn. i had to make a decision. to get emotional or upset would drive him further away, but i couldn't keep quiet either.

without going into details, we ended up enjoying almost a year of far better communication and dare i say, happiness? we were closer than ever before and i really felt he didn't despise me anymore.

then there came the internet and with it came the girls, all sweet, all adoring and all willing to enter into sordid conversations with him. he was only too happy to oblige. when i found out, i was horrified. i had what i thought was a healing discussion where we agreed on boundaries. however, the long conversations on the internet deep into the early hours in the morning didn't stop. as far as i could tell, the subject matter remained clean. for a while.

i don't want to bore any readers with too much detail, so i'll try keep it short. there came a girl he spent many hours chatting to and two years ago i found a particular conversation that would have won 5 stars on any porn site. i couldn't take it any longer. i left.

four months later, no longer cloaked in anger, i was miserable. i missed him and still loved him. he allowed me back. i've spent the past two years trying to not only manage my own 'condition' but trying to fix our relationship. he simply doesn't have the time nor the energy to either discuss anything of substance with me (mostly because i get emotional and hurt) or to discuss with a counselor. and all the while he comes off as the hero, the man who has this crazy wife to deal with, the ever-suffering great dad...

a few months ago i realised i was hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall. i know somewhere deep inside he's hurting too, but he's just not letting me in because i've hurt him far too many times (my tongue does tend to drip acid at times). divorce become the catch-phrase, but the only way he would go through with a divorce is if i did it myself. he doesn't have the time to fret about such things and honestly, i think he'd like to retain the 'hero/martyr' image. whatever his reasons...

once again, i have found myself jobless and disempowered but on an emotional level, i've managed to keep my 'crashes' to a minimum, usually recovering within 24 hours and a lot of sleep.

this weekend, i drew up divorce papers myself, having failed to find legal assistance. we even managed to discuss basic terms peaceably yesterday. i know it's the only way i can move forward - the stagnant pool was becoming too smelly... he gets the house and the kids, of course.

today i crashed. for the first time in many years, i want to die. i've started cutting again. i slept all afternoon and am still exhausted. eating is too much effort at the moment.

and that's where i am...

Hello, Spirit Wing. The terms of the divorce appear to be a complete capitulation. You do not want to be the primary caretaker of the children. He has a job and you do not and will be homeless. Are you at allowed to have visitation? When you do get a job will he come looking for child support?

Are you mentally in a position to be making decisions that will have long term effects on your life?

[Doomed]

Hi.Your story was pretty touching to me.Somethings in it I can relate to.I have been been with my husband for over 24 years.Being the devoted mother and wife I took care of everyone.I have no known sickness,although after the hell I have been through the last 24 years,I probably developed one.When I got married,thats when I started seeing the true colors of this relationship.Only mostly its like a ''jeckal and hyde'' marriage.All I ever wanted was a husband to hold,nurture,and just be there for me, the sadnesses or just anything for me.NOPE! Doesnt have the time I guess,and til this day still really doesnt.No interest in me.I also know about the ''porn'' thing,which is soooo degrading to us hard working,good people.He took 10 days off work to paint the house.Only to come home and find my computer LOADED full of the porn sites he was on that day.I almost lost it.I cleared the history each day and found it back on again.I was devastated at that point.I thought I was doing everything right as his wife.But the last 5 years has taken its toll.Arguing alot,over stupid stuff even. I just got put so far back on the burner after all these years,I just stayed back there.Now hes basically getting back what he gave me.We pretty much dont talk anymore.I have no desire for sex with him,but still do..We have really no time out together,ever.Last few months we play bingo with other people,outside the home.Never really had time just him and me.Thats another thing that hurt...no bondin,or communication.I love my husband and always will.9 months ago I ran across a man I knew in my teen years.Seeing him afew times,turns out hes the man I should have married.Hes single and Im not.We both have feelings for eachother.I fell in love and he never leaves my head.My husband doesnt know how I feel about him.He does know about him though,because I told him I was leaving him for this man.SOOOO... Hell broke lose again.He decided to try to be the perfect husband I wanted.Doing things just to favor me.The only thing is,is its too late.I dont love him like I used to.I just dont know what I have done wrong all these years.I dont know how to tell him Im done.I want out.We are in way compatible.I feel we never were.I tried for so long to make things work.But now its gone.The heartbeat is gone. Just dont know.So after all this I think I have sunk into a depression of somesort.Because I cant be with the one I love.I found the perfect match after 24 years.Now what?

[FeelingHopeful]

Spirit Wing, Im so sorry your having such a terrible time, your story hit me hard because sometimes i get consumed by my probs , and how bad it is, then i read your story, Oh my goodness, Im not that good with advice, others are better , but i do want you to know im praying for you and please take care of yourself , you deserve to be happy! Giving you a hug

[NuckingFutz]

Sometimes the only way to get off the back burner is to get up and walk away. Now to go through the grieving process. No easy task, but neither is staying. I am still amazed by people who quit caring about their marriage and then get surprised when their spouse wants to leave. I too am concerned about the division of marital assets and the lack of income. You still have to be married to get a divorce. It is important for you and your children's future to work on getting what you need instead of giving him so much just to get out. I hope you also keep in mind that he gave up on you because of an illness (in sickness and in health) and licked his wounds with porn. Do not let him have everything.

[Spirit Wing]

byzantine: the decision to divorce was taken a few months ago. at the time, i may not have been sparkling and happy, but i don't think i was depressed, just generally upset. since then, underneath the general 'getting on with life', the stress and pain have been building but that's to be expected. it all simply blew apart a day after he calmly discussed the division of assets with me.
complete capitulation? he's the hero, remember? not me :P i get to stay in the house until i find a job and a place to stay. but he gets to stay permanently with the kids because he has the steady income - and personality... i would need the job in order to get both a place to stay and to pay support for the kids. if i don't get a job, he gets to continue owning me...

it's a win/win for him. he either gets to be rid of the crazy wife (translated to: abandoned by) and gets some money for his troubles, or gets to be the long-suffering husband trying to do what he can for the crazy wife who, strangely, wants a divorce.

at the moment, no, i am probably not in the best place to be making many decisions. luckily i can see that. after my crash yesterday, i am simply concentrating on breathing for now. i am wondering though when will i crash again - how will i handle it - what is my best course of action now? etc. worry, worry, worry. the only decision i am making today though, is 'breathe'.

feelingsad: i think percentages are wonderful things. there is no scale that says 'because you have experienced xy and z, you are entitled to t amount of pain, but if you have only experienced x and y, your problems are less'. i hope you find that by reading others' stories you feel more that you are not alone, rather than 'relief' that your pain can't be that bad. please don't negate what you're feeling through others' experiences. i don't know your story at all - and to be honest i'm not ready to truly listen yet, but i will be soon, i promise! - but if the greater percentage of your life is dominated by negative feelings, you have as much 'right' to your pain, have as much right to be heard as anyone else. then again, i may just be preaching to the choir :P xxx

nuckingfutz: thank you for that affirmation. yes, i need to keep in mind that he abandoned me first, for nothing more than a simple 'birth defect'. he made the choice many years ago to let me deal with this on my own. it was his own insecurities that carried him away from the woman he claimed to love. his choice. and now as you say, the grieving process... thank you.

with regards to the assets, we've split that fairly evenly i think with most of the things staying with the kids. i can make it on my own although it won't be easy by a long shot. i can be rather tough and i take pride in being strong, most of the time anyway. i guess that's also why i find i get extra hard on myself when i get depressed and find the decision to take medication so incredibly difficult. but i may still get there. but for today, the decision is simply to breathe...

doomed: 24 years? eish. you have more stamina than me, girl! and odd you should mention the 'old flame'. a few weeks ago, i bumped into one, although he lives in another country now. he understands depression and emotion and it would be so easy just to fall into that 'safe' environment.

but i have to be clear. i had already made up my mind about the divorce long before i re-met him. he could disappear again tomorrow, considering the distance between us and that should not affect my original decision in any way. and while it would be lovely to have a soft place to fall, i won't regain any 'self' by doing so. i need to do this on my own, for my own reasons - for me.

i know i am the last person to give any kind of advice on marriage at the moment, but have you tried marriage counseling? because surely at some point you two were compatible? would it not be possible to regain that? even though i am going through a divorce myself, i am strangely still against the general principle. if both parties are willing to try, i believe there is hope. perhaps you aren't trying as hard as you could because your heart is pulling you in another direction? i don't think there is a right of wrong in that, it's just something to consider.

if you had to take both the familiar husband and the new, exciting love out of the picture, what's left? what do you want? where do you want to be? how do you want to feel and who do you want to be? other human beings are fickle and unpredictable imo and if you want to get out of a depressive cycle, perhaps you should consider what you want for you first, then slowly start adding the other elements to see which ones fit best...
but that's just me. i may also just be firing blanks into the dark

You still might want to call your state bar association (Look in the yellow pages for Attorneys) to get referred to a lawyer for a lower fee or no fee. Being owned is not fair nor just.

[shezbut]

Hi Spirit Wing,

I can relate to a lot of your original post: feeling depressed, deep anguish, and sorrow. Giving up on the marriage and presuming he will be given full custody of the children. I have been there. There's a pretty full description of my early experiences in this section of the Relationships forum.

I haven't posted my own experience lately ~ anguish ~ in this section for a while. My anguish is unrelenting. I blame myself for everything. My ex is responsible for many things, but I take the ultimate blame. Meaning: it all started because of me. I should have done X, and shouldn't have done Y & Z. The very core of my being is self-hate. Almost everything leads back to that. Positive aspects are looked aside, not accepted to be "real" or important. Other people can point out those positives all they like, but it is very uncomfortable for me. I have to tell myself to appear gracious and thank them for the compliment. NOT easy at all!

As you can see, I could go on and on with this. My ex and I worked in mediation to make the divorce as little traumatic (for our girls) as possible. It did make it long and painful, but it was worth the pain to me. The idea of my young girls going into court terrifies me. Anyway, I have worked hard to be healthy and be a good mommy. It has been an incredible challenge for me. And very hard for me to tell my attorney that my ex should be the primary provider. I bawled my eyes out ~ but I knew that it was true. Admitting that I can't is painful every time.

We decided that I'm responsible for the girls about 45% of the time (give or take 5%, it fluctuates). I have devoted myself to being there 3-5 days/week. It depends upon his work schedule. My doctor appointments, group meetings, and helpers are every on Tuesday and Thursday. Every other weekend is spent with the girls.

My ex and I were lucky, in that attorneys who specialize in mediation have taken our case pro-bono (free). I am disabled, from a brain injury and depression, and live in an apartment for disabled people. I receive financial and emotional assistance from the local government. I am doing the best that I can do. Accepting that fact is tough, but I have to accept so I can get past the endless misery.

I hope that you can understand what I'm trying to say. It takes a while for the "right" words to pop into my head, and I get a little lost in the point/s I'm trying to make. Frustrating for me to go through, but I also think that sharing my experience/s may be helpful to others. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Take care!

[lynn P.]

Hi Spirit Wing,
I'm sorry you 've had such a terrible time in your marriage. Your husband didn't know how to handle your illness - so sad. I understand you want a divorce but please think about letting him have custody and not having lawyers go through this with both of you. You're depressed right now and you might think you don't want custody -what if you feel better and change your mind. Why can't he leave you with the house and kids? If you truly don't want custody, then I respect that. I just want things to be done legally to make sure your rights are protected. You could go for a mediation as Shezbut said -I don't trust your husband and I feel you could be taken advantage of. Please get this looked at by a reputable lawyer for you and your kids sake. Your kids need to see you and without good representation, your husband could prevent you from seeing your kids in the future.

[amante]

Spirit Wing,

Just sending you massive amounts of love and support as you endure this difficult time. My prayers are with you that all will turn out best for you and the children.

[caren1971]

My husband has cheated on me since 2004to 2010 with my son turtior whom worked with my husband at the library.One day he left his email on and i look through it.I found out they had sex and done most of everything that to people that are truly in love would do.my husband suffer with kindney disease now thats not really that bad,but since 2009 of nov he has not slept with me nor touch me at all.He promise me that there were no communication between them two anymore but ,I have found that to be a lie.i ask him to have sex with me because i need that and he stated that his mind isn't there anymore.we have one son 10yrs old.i am tried and just don't know what to do please he.I cry every night and also have had thoughts abouting to her house and doing something bad just because she has taken my husband away from me,going to her house has just been a thought this is not something truly i would do simmply because i don't want to lose my child.Anyone that cangive me advise please do.

[NuckingFutz]

Caren, I think your post deserves its own thread. How about starting a new one?

[semiblond]

Spirit Wing,

I feel for you. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I myself had to deal with some of the same issues that you are going through with your husband. I wish you the best of luck, but don't just settle and give him everything. As far as your illness, I am struggling with some of the same issues. I was hurt and angry at my ex husband, and I also ran my mouth and said a lot of hurtful things to him over the years because of my pain. My husband decided he couldn't do it anymore and my mouth only got worse. It is something that I am battling. I am really trying not to get so angry and say and do hurtful things. It is a really hard battle. I wish you the best of luck.

[Champagne]

Porn??? Girls???? Where is his head???? What happened to genuine COMPASSION in marriage.

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry Girl. This is the story where the wife goes and has the affair Because he is the idiot.

Byz is right. Get some DECENT TRUTHFUL LEGAL ADVISE.

You deserve to be a BEAUTIFUL AND WORTHY AND DECENT AND ADMIRABLE WOMAN AND MOTHER.

Your gut feeling is coming out in REAL WORDS. HE IS A CONTROL FREAK and I don't think child welfare will be too happy about children exposed to PORN.
You win He loses.

He is playing MIND GAMES, BLAME GAMES and just plain silly NAMING GAMES. "You are not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or bland faced enough, or expressionless plastic doll enough..." BLAH BLAH BLAH What are you supposed to be PERFECT PLASTIC!??? Plastic eventually melts B.....O...O...Y I am telling him off for you.

ANYWAY....HE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY FOR PLASTIC PERFECT. BUT he can COMPARE and say you are NOT???? Has he looked in the mirror lately?
Why the pooh pooh pooh (OOPS wrong spelling) poor man hides behind a computer screen to see girls. Come on.??? He certainly is living in an IMAGINARY PAINTED AIR BRUSHED PLASTIC WORLD.

GIRL YOU ARE THE BEST and TRYING TO GET BETTER.

Grab that video: The First Wives Club and have a good laugh.

What an Idiot.HUH?! As if a PORN ADDICT WOULD GET CHILDREN FOR CUSTODY. Der Brain! Nutx! Numbskull! He certainly has rocks in his brain. Rattle the Rattle snake for him. It might bite some sense in his NOSE.

HELLO PORN ADDICT MAN and so called dad, are you an IDIOT. Because your actions B...O...O...Y speak louder than w....o....r....d...s.

ACTION GIRL! ACTION GIRL! ACTION GIRL!

GO GIRL. He is SICK. And He needs help.

Keep us posted.

We will celebrate here when you are like the others FREEEEEEE.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Spirit Wing

this weekend, i drew up divorce papers myself, having failed to find legal assistance. we even managed to discuss basic terms peaceably yesterday. i know it's the only way i can move forward - the stagnant pool was becoming too smelly... he gets the house and the kids, of course.

Huh??? What am I missing here? Why does he get the kids and the house? Do you want that? You should absolutely NOT draw up your own divorce papers if you are just going to throw everything away like that. Why would you do that? Get a lawyer and do this right. You are entitled to a lot of the assets when the marriage ends, the assets that grew while you were together and a partnership and sharing the support of your family, whether by earning cash or taking care of the kids or whatever. It is total BS to say that he gets the kids because he has the steady income. Is he the one telling you that? The way it works is he pays you child support for his share of the kids' maintenance. If he makes 3 times the salary than you do, then he will pay way more for their upkeep, even if they live with you. Also, many couples have shared custody these days. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. My own divorce was finalized last year--20+ years marriage, 2 kids. I have custody about 65% of the time and my XH about 35%. This works for us. The kids get to keep both parents in their lives, which is healthy for them. Why would you give 100% custody to him? Please see a lawyer--they are not all bad. I had a wonderful lawyer who worked closely with my H's lawyer to make sure we came through this with as little acrimony as possible, and always keeping the interests of the kids foremost. (We used a process called collaborative divorce which is designed to not be antagonistic, and this keeps the bills from mounting too.) Have you considered that it is not in your kids' best emotional interests to spend 100% of their time with Dad? Please consider your kids in this and don't give up everything. They need their Mom. (Along the lines of what Champagne said, his porn addiction and his behavior will not help him any if he tries to insist on getting 100% custody.)

I know this may sound unsympathetic, but can you try to pull yourself together so you can get a decent divorce? The self injury types of stuff can make you look bad in the divorce proceedings. (Don't let your husband know you are doing that stuff as it could be used against you.) When you have managed the divorce, then you will have some time to fall apart. Hold it together until then, OK? You could really hurt your future by giving up so easily.

I am sending you lots of good wishes for strength and relief from all you have been through. I want to share with you that now that I am divorced, I am happier than I have been for at least a decade. There are brighter times ahead. Please get a lawyer.

Hello, Spirit Wing. Sorry for being so blunt before. I just detest seeing a mother who has loved her children get tossed out on the street. You deserve better.

Please let us know how you are doing.